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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

drunken one night stand - dh being kind....

116 replies

changenow · 30/05/2011 10:35

that's basically it. had very drunk one night stand with total stranger. Felt awful, confessed to dh, he was upset, but not angry and has been almost too understanding!
Weird or lovely?

OP posts:

Gastonladybird · 30/05/2011 10:36

Why did you do it? What has been going on in your relationship? Can't really say on that much info- have you done this before? Has he? How ,ong have you been together and any kids?

Brevity · 30/05/2011 10:37

He is probably still in shock and working out how he really feels about your infidelity. Not weird or lovely.

Original poster

changenow · 30/05/2011 10:38

was extremely drunk and loved the attention. dh and i not had sex for about 6 months. A far as i know he hasn't done anything like it. been togther 8 years, i child

OP posts:

greencolorpack · 30/05/2011 10:39

I think if it is the first time then he will have difficulty trusting you again. Or maybe he's thinking if you can do it, he will do it. Perhaps this will corrode your relationship. Don't really know what else to say.

Original poster

changenow · 30/05/2011 10:40

yes, its the first time. he says he just wants things to get back to normal

OP posts:

bleedingstill · 30/05/2011 10:44

its a lovely reaction. I hope he continues to feel this way.
There are plently people for whom their partner being unfaithful does not result in their world crashing down around their ears.

RudeEnglishLady · 30/05/2011 10:45

How did it happen and also how did he find out? I think those two factors would make a big difference to how I viewed a one-night infidelity from my husband.

Not judging - just I know certain factors would make me more yuck/angry than others. This might explain his reaction?

Gastonladybird · 30/05/2011 10:45

I am not excusing what you did as it was a breach of trust. However why have you mot had sex? I know these things can vary but 6 months is a long time? How can you work this through - do you talk? Do you have time alone without dc ? Are there work or health worries?

I think you can work through these things if you honestly understand why you did it how to improve your relationship and from that work on building up your dp trust. Would going to counselling help

greencolorpack · 30/05/2011 12:06

Possibly it's woken you both up to trying to sort out your problems topside. Good luck.

mercibucket · 30/05/2011 12:09

I hate to sound suspicious but that is my mindset. I would be wondering if it suited him to be considerate because he also played around beforehand - have you ever wondered if he is unfaithful?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/05/2011 12:36

FFS people with good self esteem and common sense can cope with a partner having a one night stand. It doesn't have to be the end of the world, wah wah wah, beating the partner up and throwing them out. It was just a shag. If he can get over it and the OP can get over it that's great.

cloudybay24 · 30/05/2011 12:43

OP - you've said he just wants things to get back to normal - but do you? Are you happy with "normal", are you happy not having regular sex? Was the ONS maybe a subconscious cry for help or attention?

Personally I am really surprised by such a laid back reaction. Obviously I don't know him but IMO, infidelity in most marriages would provoke a much stronger reaction than that which you've described.

bleeding I don't know many people for whom infidelity wouldn't mean at least a part of their world coming crashing down.

Leverkusen · 30/05/2011 12:58

people with good self esteem and common sense also can realise that when you promise to marry someone you promise to be faithful to them, and when they shag about you don't have to stick around.

Fair enough if both parties don't want to be monogamous, but not fair if one person thinks that they have subscribed to a monogamous relationship.

I don't know why you have to imply that people with 'good self esteem' have to put up with their partners cheating, SGB.

OP, I guess maybe he is still in shock. Or maybe he has genuinely forgiven you. Hopefully it has given you a wake up call to figure out what's going on in your relationship.

bluebobbin · 30/05/2011 12:59

If you haven't had sex with your DH for 6 months, I'm wondering who he has been having sex with.

strawberryjelly · 30/05/2011 13:27

blue- is that kind of comment really helpful? It seems a bit teenager-ish.

Many couples have fallow spells.

I have a friend who is in a sexless marriage. They have not had sex for 10 years.

My DH and I went for years without when I had a health problem.

Relationships can exist without regular sex if both partners are happy.

Ruprekt · 30/05/2011 13:29

Do you think you can get your life back to normal?

Why have you not had sex for 6 months?

Will your DH want to have sex with you now you have shagged someone else?

Malificence · 30/05/2011 14:03

"FFS people with good self esteem and common sense can cope with a partner having a one night stand"

SGB, you have just proved, yet again, that you know absolutely nothing about monogamy / couple relationships and have nothing but contempt for them.

Having self esteem and common sense usually prevents people from behaving like idiots and cheating on a partner, not to mention it gets people who have it out of bad relationships a hell of a lot sooner than those without it.

If you had that attitude towards gay people you would quite rightly be called a bigot, but because it's towards people who value monogamy, that somehow makes it ok in your eyes.

Nasty.

strawberryjelly · 30/05/2011 14:08

Maybe it's an age/maturity thing.

A few of my friends- we are all 50s- say that if their partners had a fling or a 1 night stand, they wouldn't be too bothered- they say "It's just sex."

Which it is, really.

Malificence · 30/05/2011 14:19

I doubt it strawberry, I'm 45, been married for 26 years and if my DH had a 1 night stand he would be out of the door because he would have destroyed something that we could never get back.
No such thing as "just sex" in my eyes (or my DH's) . That's why it would be such a very big deal - People who haven't had just one sexual partner for their whole life don't get this, I do understand why, but it's very wrong of people to say that someone should not be too upset/bothered etc. just because you ahve an attitude of it sexual fidelity not being that important - to a lot of people it is very important.

The OP would probably know which camp her husband fell into before she cheated on him.

ManicAnnie · 30/05/2011 14:23

I don't think 'self esteem' or 'common sense' has anything to do with it. How strange to suggest otherwise.

People have all sorts of reactions to a partner's infidelity. There is no set response. Everyone is different.

OP, your DH may still be in shock about this, though, so do take things slowly and keep the lines of communication open. See this as a chance to work out what you both really want from your relationship. Was this 'just a blip'? Or could there be something more to it, like unhappiness with the relationship or with monogamy in general.

Original poster

changenow · 30/05/2011 14:25

Thanks for all your replies :)

we haven't had sex for so long becuase of various issues, mainly that i don't trust dh enough, he's hurt me so much in the past, don't feel listened too etc.

The stranger gave me lots of compliments, firneds were amazed dh doesn't compliment me more.

99.9% sure dh hasn't done the same. Although he has lied about other issues.

dh founds out becuase i told him

OP posts:

Original poster

changenow · 30/05/2011 14:26

and no neither of us had just only been with eachother! far from it!!

OP posts:

cloudybay24 · 30/05/2011 14:29

strawberryjelly - I am surprised by what you have said - "It's just sex". For me sex is one of the important things which distinguishes my relationship with DH - it's something which is exlusive and intimate. I don't know if I would be able to shrug it off if he did it with someone else.

It's not the only thing, but it's a special thing and if he had a ONS I would be very bothered, and I know that most of my friends would be too!

Malificence · 30/05/2011 14:31

You have given him the perfect excuse to throw it back in your face every single time he hurts you, whatever he does, he can now turn around and say, "at least I didn't have sex with someone else".

It sounds like your marriage has lots of problems and I doubt this has made things anything other than much worse.

strawberryjelly · 30/05/2011 14:38

Mal- I think you have to respect the fact that other people may not feel like you do.

What works for you and your DH is not going to be the same for every couple.

It's not a case of there being one moral code which fits everyone and you are being rather naive and blinkered if you think that your lifestyle choices are the only one which exist or are somehow superior to others'.

cloudy for some people sex is just sex. A drunken one night stand can hardly be anything else can it?

There are all kinds of sex- tender loving sex, commitment-free fuck buddy sex, and a one nighter which is just about lust, to name a few.

Just because some of you recoil in horror and would end your marriages on the basis of a one-nighter does not mean that everyone feels like that- or that you are right.

If you can't comprehend that then no one is going to be able to make you.

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