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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

drunken one night stand - dh being kind....

116 replies

changenow · 30/05/2011 10:35

that's basically it. had very drunk one night stand with total stranger. Felt awful, confessed to dh, he was upset, but not angry and has been almost too understanding!
Weird or lovely?

OP posts:
Original poster
changenow · 30/05/2011 17:20

yes

OP posts:
vogonmothership · 30/05/2011 17:27

You sound like you want him to be upset and are upset yourself that he isn't. Do you think you did it to provoke a reaction? I think a relate course would benefit you both before you can move on.

chipmonkey · 30/05/2011 17:32

TheBolter best lay off the Enid Blyton for a while!Wink

howsthatworkingforyou · 30/05/2011 17:33

You seem a little flippant about thisI apologise

And reading the general tone of this thread, I wonder what sort of a reaction a man would have got in your position.

howsthatworkingforyou · 30/05/2011 17:33

*I apologise If im wrong

Lizzabadger · 30/05/2011 17:35

Perhaps some individual counselling would be helpful to look at why you felt entitled to behave like that.

strawberryjelly · 30/05/2011 17:40

Is drink really an excuse?

Unless you were practically unconscious, you surely knew what you were doing. I mean your knickers just didn't fall down and he popped it in- did they?

I wonder if you had fantasised about this scenario before?

Do you think you need to be a bit more honest about what was going on in your head- and your marriage?

Lots of women have a bit too much to drink, and men sometimes try it on- but they don't all say yes. It's not really that much of an ego boost to have a guy lay you when you are pissed and he's a total stranger looking for some quick fun. Is it?

Wottywot · 30/05/2011 17:51

My partner never listens to me, In fact he can be pretty mean, sometimes doesnt talk to me for a week or so - I might think about leaving, cheating on him no! I could really do with someone to listen to me and a shoulder to cry on, but that is just not something that I could bring myself to do. We don't have sex much anymore either and things are tough.
People respod in different ways, I am sure he id deeply upset but maybe he is not sure yet how to react. Or maybe he just thinks you did it on purpose to get his attention and won't react to give you the satisfaction. Maybe he knows that his lack of concern is really pissing you off?

Original poster
changenow · 30/05/2011 18:14

Yes think he might know his lack of concern is bothering me. Just been talking about it. i aske dhim how he was, he said "wish it hasn't happened but not terrible". I suggested that may be because he doesn't see me that way. He then had a go at me for making assumptions about his feelings....

OP posts:
mercibucket · 30/05/2011 18:21

this happened to a good friend of ours, we were amazed by how little he reacted. I think she was pushing and pushing to get some kind of acknowledgement of feelings from him and he was unable to give her that, even though he was very faithful and besotted, he couldn't tell her that. they split up in the end, a long time after. she was devastated. he is much happier now. maybe you could both have some counsellling together, not so much about this but about much deeper feelings and emotions, before it ends that way

Original poster
changenow · 30/05/2011 18:24

thanks, but we've had loads of counselling already, both together and apart.
He has actually told me how he feels, ie upset, but not terrible

OP posts:
mercibucket · 30/05/2011 18:28

oh ok, that's probably good then. are you ok with that as well?

strawberryjelly · 30/05/2011 18:32

wotty this is a bit of a hijack- why on earth are you with a man who doesn't speak to you sometimes for a week? You don't have sex, he won't listen to you...

what on earth is keeping you there? he sounds an utter bastard.

Wottywot · 30/05/2011 18:57

Sorry strawberry, I didnt mean it to be hijacked at all. Mine is another story and I hope I didnt sound too judgemental in saying what I did. Sometimes I do wonder though what you are asking - I think its the children.

Changenow, do you think you will be able to stay together after this? Men can be very hard to read sometimes, do you feel he still loves you and will possibly change after this?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/05/2011 22:10

I do think that being able to get over a partner's drunken one night stand is the more mature and sensible reaction. People take sex far too seriously on the whole. There is, of course, a difference between one-nighter that happen spontaneoulsy and an ongoing affair, which is always going to be harder to put up with as it involves prolonged deliberate deciet, which no one likes being on the recieving end of.
Mind you, OP, it sounds like your relationship has a lot of problems. I wonder if your ONS was actually the beginning of the process of getting away from your H, who doesn't sound worth the effort to me.

gawdonbennett · 30/05/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

boilingpoint · 30/05/2011 22:18

gawdon NO NEED!!

However... OP you dont come across as very sorry for what you did to your DH, You seem to be justifing your actions with but he did this and he did that which is pretty playground stuff..

Yes he looked at porn for 2 years, yet Being pissed and shagging someone is no excuse for ACTUAL CHEATING it makes you as bad as each other!

bleedingstill · 30/05/2011 23:44

"slapper" ? what a hideously misogynistic and inapropriate word to use

gawdonbennett · 31/05/2011 06:56

Maybe.....but a perfect description nonetheless.

strawberryjelly · 31/05/2011 08:33

Gawdon one day you will bump your head when you fall off that high horse.

How does calling someone names help?

Why do you get a kick out of insulting someone. You are sad.

howsthatworkingforyou · 31/05/2011 08:45

"slapper" ? what a hideously misogynistic and inapropriate word to use

*whilst I don't agree with the OP being called a slapper, why is it mysoginistic, sometimes its an apt description, if this was a man he's be insulted aswell and I dont think anyone would be up in arms about it tbh.
Like I said in an earlier post when you read the 'my DH had an affair ' thread and then this the tone is so much different which isnot altogether fair.

strawberryjelly · 31/05/2011 08:54

hows exactly what does your post contribute to the OP's situation?

You criticise the use of the word "slapper" but then make pretty much the same point apart from using that word!

A one night stand is no an affair.

And yes, if it was a man they might get a hard time.

This is MUMSnet- so not exactly surprising, eh?

differentnameforthis · 31/05/2011 09:11

sometimes its an apt description

Never an apt description of anyone, in my opinion. I don't understand why adults have to resort to name calling like a bunch of school yard bullies!

That's what people do when they having nothing constructive to say!

tadpoles · 31/05/2011 10:26

"we've had loads of counselling already, both together and apart.
He has actually told me how he feels, ie upset, but not terrible."

Perhaps he is a bit relieved? If the relationship has been in difficulties for some time, he might view this as a sign that you are ready to move on. His ambivalent feelings may mean that he too might be ready to move on, but is waiting for you to push things forward.

Sounds to me as though you are both on a bit of an exit strategy - or perhaps you are both still unsure and pushing the boundaries to the limit to see whether the relationship is worth saving, or whether it should be abandoned?

howsthatworkingforyou · 31/05/2011 13:00

strawberry you've made far more scathing posts in this thread, with werent useful to the OP the point I was making isthere is some clear hypocrisy in this thread.

'You criticise the use of the word "slapper" but then make pretty much the same point apart from using that word!'

errm no I didnt however if you think that saying there is hypocrisy in this thread means the OP must be a slapper then that says more about you than about me.
I don think she si that word more applies to serial cheat.

differentname agree to disagree, I was raised if something walks like a duck and quacks like a duck its a duck.

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