Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

drunken one night stand - dh being kind....

116 replies

changenow · 30/05/2011 10:35

that's basically it. had very drunk one night stand with total stranger. Felt awful, confessed to dh, he was upset, but not angry and has been almost too understanding!
Weird or lovely?

OP posts:
strawberryjelly · 31/05/2011 13:06

hows- not sure I get you TBH.
Scathing posts? i think of all the posters I have been one of the most relaxed about this incident- apart from asking if drink an excuse.

As for being hypocritical- no they are your words , I never used the term.

You however have contributed nothing except a cheap comment about the term slapper.

howsthatworkingforyou · 31/05/2011 13:10

As for being hypocritical- no they are your words , I never used the term.

I know they are my words I said theres hypocrisy on this thread, what point are you actually trying to make?

You however have contributed nothing except a cheap comment about the term slapper.

blatant lies, I said they should not have called the OP a slapper

StrawberryMewMew · 31/05/2011 13:24

I stupidly done this too and my partner had the same reaction.

I later found out he acted so calm and nice because he knew that would make me feel worse than him screaming at me.

It really is reverse psychology.

Good relationships can move on from situations like this.

Original poster
changenow · 31/05/2011 13:25

Lookis like my post has turned into a slanging match now :(

OP posts:
howsthatworkingforyou · 31/05/2011 14:13

Sorry OP

I will desist

RudeEnglishLady · 31/05/2011 14:24

OP do you think things have become clearer for you since you first posted? How have things been around the house?

grumblinalong · 31/05/2011 15:08

OP - Your posts, and your reaction to the ONS, seem weird? I'm not saying this to upset you but it would be good to get a bit more of a reaction to your feelings about it? Do you feel remorseful or just a bit deflated? I think you sound very very depressed tbh.

If I ever cheated on boyfriends I ALWAYS felt terrible about it afterwards and came clean. If I cheated on my DH (never have btw, so not the voice of experience here at all) I would be mortified, confused, upset, guilt ridden, devastated, remorseful - I'd be raging mess but you just sound well, numb. Is this because of your DH's reaction or do you feel like this pretty much all the time? Sad for you either way.

gawdonbennett · 31/05/2011 15:37

Or does she simply not give a shit?

Original poster
changenow · 31/05/2011 18:13

I feel terribly ashamed, remorseful and totally awful that it happened.

Feel so sad to have been taken in by a few compliments - really woudl like then from dh.

OP posts:
m18c16 · 31/05/2011 20:01

prepare for the inevitable IMHO - he's lost all trust in you and it'll be downhill from now on..............sorry to be so candid, but we men are pretty basic creatures - once crossed, that's it.

you've unleashed a whole torrent of self doubt within him - why?, I'm obviously not good enough?, can I trust you to go out on your own anymore? etc etc?......worst of all, it'll do no good for trying to sort out any underlying sexual issues that may/or may not exist in your 6month desert.... 2 wrongs don't make a right (cliche I know - but true)

I hope he means what he says, but in my mind (as others have said) he's in shock and feels like his b*lls have been cut off.........and I think will start becoming more distant..............................

try and talk this out with him ASAP

differentnameforthis · 01/06/2011 00:03

howsthatworkingforyou

Well I was raised that way too, doesn't make it right. When I was immature, I used to call people names, now I am an adult, I find it pointless, rude & disrespectful.

differentnameforthis · 01/06/2011 01:46

prepare for the inevitable IMHO - he's lost all trust in you and it'll be downhill from now on..............sorry to be so candid, but we men are pretty basic creatures - once crossed, that's it

Not so. I did similar before I moved in with my boyfriend at the time. I was 18, he was 24. I don't know why I did it. Bf was busy at the time, I fell for the attention etc of another man. I knew him, was a friend of a friend (although he didn't know my bf).

I confessed as I wanted bf to be aware of what happened before we took the huge step of buying a house together.

He forgave me. I realise that I was lucky, he obviously thought what we had was more than strong enough to withstand a ONS.

He was right to take that chance, at the week we celebrated 17yrs of marriage. He has NEVER thrown it back at me, not once. Nor seen it as an excuse to do the same.

He saw it for what it was, a mistake. And he didn't let it beat us!

differentnameforthis · 01/06/2011 01:48

at the weekend we celebrated 17yrs of marriage.

malibustac · 01/06/2011 07:52

Op have you managed to speak to dh again? Where do you go from here?

Original poster
changenow · 01/06/2011 12:49

Things are calmer now. He says he is upset but is not going to let it get in the way.

OP posts:
notquiteaspc · 01/06/2011 14:07

It's hilarious that because her DH has been supportive, despite her infidelity, almost everyone is accusing him of "playing away" or planning to throw it back in her face. Is it really too much to think that he loves you enough to not want to jeopardise your relationship by making this an issue. No doubt were he to see this he'd find it laughable that even though you're the one gallivanting off with other men, it's you with the trust issues...

gawdonbennett · 01/06/2011 14:10

I think I'd like to clarify the previous post by making this very simple point.
The OP is in the wrong.
Her bloke isn't.

HaughtyChuckle · 01/06/2011 16:32

Maybe hes's numb from the shock?

collecting thoughts?

Omigawd · 01/06/2011 17:08

People are different, some react dramatically straight away, some take time to sort their feelings and thoughts out before doing anything, especially if its a big issue. Some take this sort of thing more seriously than others, some just bottle things up for ages anyway. He may well be watching to see how genuinely contrite the OP is (what she does rather than says) before doing anything.

OP, you know your DH best as to what sort of person he is, how does he usually handle big shocks? I assume given your concerns that this is not his usual way of dealing with stuff?

Original poster
changenow · 01/06/2011 17:40

This is fairly typical of how he deals with big shocks. He keeps busy and won't discuss it much. he says he thinks i've suffered enough through my own guilt, regret, etc

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 01/06/2011 23:33

gawdonbennett

I don't see anyone disputing that fact, do you?

TheLadyEvenstar · 02/06/2011 00:58

OP , I met my DP 5yrs ago. We had both recently come out of marriages.
Mine had been sexless for a few months when we split.
I had a month long relationship which was based purley on shagging. Then I met DP and we got together, 3 weeks after we met I had a ONS, DP found out from someone in the pub we used to drink in because my ons had told someone else. He turned up at my door begging me to let him in, I wouldn't as I felt terrible. But eventually spoke to him on the phone, and he made me feel even worse not by being nasty but by telling me he was not going to let me go as I was the best thing to happen to him and by crying and begging me not to leave him over a drunken mistake.

Almost 6yrs on we are still together have 2 children and although we have our ups and downs our relationship does work - somehow.

Original poster
changenow · 19/06/2011 21:23

I asked dh a few days ago how he was about things now - he said he's virtually forgotten about it!!

OP posts:
StarChartEsq · 19/06/2011 21:32

This is going to come across as pretty smug but I KNOW that if I had a ONS DS would NOT leave me. He would forgive me and we would move on because he loves me.

But I wouldn't have a ONS for that very reason. Why would I ever want to do that to such a lovely trusting, forgiving man? I have too much respect for him.

Original poster
changenow · 19/06/2011 21:41

I didn't know how mine would react.
Must be lovley to feel so secure star :)

OP posts: