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Original poster

drunken one night stand - dh being kind....

116 replies

changenow · 30/05/2011 10:35

that's basically it. had very drunk one night stand with total stranger. Felt awful, confessed to dh, he was upset, but not angry and has been almost too understanding!
Weird or lovely?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/05/2011 14:41

He's been abusive in the past?

Sounds like you two have a healthy, strong relationship.

Not.

Original poster
changenow · 30/05/2011 14:46

No not a particularly healthy relationship, but it works in some ways

OP posts:
Malificence · 30/05/2011 14:50

strawberry, you were infering that people who view one night stands as something serious are either young or immature.
If people don't think that infidelity is that big a deal, bully for them, but there is an undertone on here that if you think otherwise, you are a bit dim. SGB for one, never misses an opportunity to stick the boot into monogamy.

RudeEnglishLady · 30/05/2011 14:58

Hope I don't sound too blunt here but your ONS sounds like it is just the latest in a list of ways your relationship is going wrong.

Are you bothered about staying together - maybe his ambivalence about it stems from the fact that he's not bothered really (sorry, and just an idea). If he said "Right you harlot, thats it, I'm off" would you be sad or secretly relieved?

Sounds like Relate might be a good idea to get this stuff into the open and decide whether to work to stay together and have a nice relationship. No reason why a ONS should mean the end of things - just it sounds like there are a lot of other issues as well.

WriterofDreams · 30/05/2011 15:06

Given what you have said about you relationship I would think a couple of things might be going on. Either he's done the same and is glad you've done it as it alleviates his guilt and he's not laying it on thick with you in case you find out about his indiscretions - he can now play around and throw your infidelity back in your face or he is genuinely shocked that you've done something he didn't expect and is really worried you might leave him (whereas he didn't think you had it in you before) so he's being nice to you to get you back on side.

Either way I think it's distinct possibility that he will make a big issue of this in the future. It might be worth sitting down with him and coming to an agreement that you are genuinely going to put this behind you - that means that he talks now about how he feels about it and then he is not allowed to bring it up again in an argument. Even though he seems to be ok with it this sort of thing can eat away at a relationship over time.

That said, I'm not sure why you want to stay with someone you don't trust?

strawberryjelly · 30/05/2011 15:07

No Mal not remotely dim, thanks.

When I said an age thing,perhaps it might have been better to say perspective- which often accompanies age.

It ought to be possible to stand back and accept that other lifestyles and other codes of behaviour exist - and are not necessarily wrong- simply because they don't fit with your own.

I do not see anything resembling an indercurrent: what I do see is you never mssing an opportunity to have a pop at SGB every time she writes something that goes against your personal choices.

You are like the arabs and the Jews- so I can't see why you bother to continue this sniping.

You are both old enough to tolerate other lifestyles even if you choose not to follow them.

OP I don't know the answer to your quesion. Your DH, sadly, may not care about you enough to bebothered. On the other hand he may be a great guy who realsies that you are human, and is prepared to forgive something which for him, is not a deal vreaker.

You need to work out which.

cloudybay24 · 30/05/2011 15:13

strawberry, I think you have a valid view, but IMO it is not one which the majority of married people, or people in a serious relationship would share. I say this because infidelity is infidelity no matter how it's dressed up.

You only need to spend half an hour reading posts on here to realise the hurt and destruction infidelity causes. I truly believe that for most people, sexual betrayal cannot be taken lightly. I think the last thing most people would think in this situation is "it's just sex" - they would be analysing their relationship to try and establish how and why they got to the stage where one of the parties made an adult decision to betray the other.

FabbyChic · 30/05/2011 15:20

I find you using your DH as an excuse to go fuck someone on a one night stand laughable.

Just because he doesn't compliment you or you haven't had sex for six months doesn't mean it is right to go fuck someone who all of a sudden says you have nice eyes.

All the bollocks about being drunk is hog wash too.

I bet you went out of your way to get a one night stand so you could rub it in your partners face.

Original poster
changenow · 30/05/2011 15:22

I just dont know which it is strawberry. We have split up before and he did vitually nothing - he said later he only wanted me back if i wanted to come back....
I'm as sure as i can be he hasn't done the same. Although he lied about looking at porn for over 2 years - he didn't tell me , I found out. He was completely non apologetic and i ended up going for a planned op without him by my side because i couldnt bear all the lies... This was over 2 years ago

OP posts:
Original poster
changenow · 30/05/2011 15:23

Not true at all fabby - but you're entitled to your opinion

OP posts:
strawberryjelly · 30/05/2011 15:38

Cloudy- I did not say this is my view- I was trying to do something which is rare on MN- look beyond my personal reaction/lifestyle choices- and consider how other people might feel.

I am not inventing things when I say that I do know of people who would not over react to this type of incident- and they are long-married monogamous couples.

In fact my neighbour said only last week that if she found out her Dh had had a quick, meaningless bit of sex she would not be that bothered. They are both 50+ and married 25 yrs +.

strawberryjelly · 30/05/2011 15:40

OP- did you do this to get a reaction?
why did you decide to tell him?

From what you have said, I'd say you did it to make yourself feel wanted- but also to prove to DH htat other men fancy you.

On the basis of what you have written now, I'd guess that he is not really into you- and you would bebetter off thinking of finding someone who does.

BalloonSlayer · 30/05/2011 15:40

Sorry to ask this changenow but do you have a problem with alcohol?

Getting so drunk as to sleep with a stranger is one red flag but is your DH possibly being kind as he thinks it's part of a larger problem, ie you can't help it?

bbird1 · 30/05/2011 15:56

Sorry to ask this changenow but who was/is the better shag? This one night stand bloke or your hub?

ChippingIn · 30/05/2011 15:58

'Normal' sounds pretty horrible tbh.

I think what got me was you saying you haven't had sex with your DH in over six months because you don't trust him - but you had a ONS with a total stranger.

Clearly your DH has hurt you & there are obviously problems in the relationship - what are you doing to work through these things?

Why are you with him?

ChippingIn · 30/05/2011 15:58

bbird - why would you ask that?

crystalglasses · 30/05/2011 16:02

How on earth did yo et yourself in that situation? Where was your dh when this was going on?

bluebobbin · 30/05/2011 16:03

strawberryjelly - my post:

"If you haven't had sex with your DH for 6 months, I'm wondering who he has been having sex with."

was not at all teenagerish. It was a very serious point. If there had been health issues/both parties had decided on a marriage without sex than I would have expected material facts like that to have been mentioned in the OP.

I think the OP should consider the possibility that her DH has had or is having an affair. It would be one reason why he was "kind" to the OP over her infidelity. The OP wanted to have sex but didn't have sex with her DH - she had sex with a stranger.

bbird1 · 30/05/2011 16:49

ChippingIn - because it will add a bit of spice to this thread.

Original poster
changenow · 30/05/2011 17:11

balloon - no issue with alcohol! yes i like a drink, sometimes alot of drink, but i don't think that's unusual. I obviosly had far too much on the day of the ONS.

Crystal - bit of an odd thing to say?! Unless you never go out without your dh!!

I'm still pretty sure dh hasn't been with anyone else.

Strawberry - no wasn' to get a reaction. was flattered by the attention and not thinking straight as so drunk :(

OP posts:
TheBolter · 30/05/2011 17:15

Golly, what a reaction! I'd like to think he sounds remarkably evolved and self-confident. I just hope he's not a) in shock or b) relieved because he's been unfaithful himself and this lets him off the hook a bit.

crystalglasses · 30/05/2011 17:15

2 separate questions. They weren't meant to be related.

TheBolter · 30/05/2011 17:16

Golly Blush where did that come from? I never say that in RL - Fucking hell is more my style of diction.

Original poster
changenow · 30/05/2011 17:18

Dh said why would he throw away all out time together for my driunken stuped mistake. He said he is upset, but loves me and puts to put it behind us...

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 30/05/2011 17:18

I hope you used contraception OP.

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