My husband says I'm too fat to have sex with.

[midwife99]

My husband says I'm too fat to have sex with & he deserves a good sex life with someone slim & attractive.

I'm 43, have 4 children ranging from 18 to 1 year old & also work as a midwife. I'm 5'8" & a size 16. We've been together 4 years & I'm within a stone of the weight I was when we met. I do classes at the gym 3 times a week (body pump & spin) & although I'm about 2 stone overweight I'm fit & very little different from how I was when we met. I try REALLY hard to look good apart from starve.

He days he's doing me a favour by telling me that my weight repulses him & he deserves better.

I don't know what to do. I'm devastated.

He'd get more than a wtf face off me I can tell you!

Sometimes they realise they've gone too far and start to backpedal a bit. It's transparent really. Of course you're supposed to forget they said anything of the sort. Well done on not playing the game.

How about when he said, "you're a very attractive woman", you would have replied, "I know." You said earlier you were confident in yourself, you are toned and fit. So show it! Hold yourself proudly and have a 'fuck him' attitude. People aren't going to admire someone just because they are thin, but we all appreciate confidence and joy in people.

They can swing from insults to compliments at 90mph. Because they don't mean the insults any more than they mean the compliments. It ALL has one aim, to manipulate you.

Annie, my x used to get angry with him because I wouldn't forget (and quickly forget) his various cruel insults.

'angry with ME' I mean

I told him very calmly yesterday that what he said was hurtful & untrue as I'm around the same weight as when we met. I pointed out that when he looks like Jonny Depp he'll be in a position to criticise but of course, if he loved me he wouldn't care about a small fluctuation in weight. I pointed out that he is in fact a stone heavier than when we met, has a paunch & man boobs which I have never mentioned & that his hair smells sometimes because he washes it only once a week & because he doesn't brush his teeth before bed he has awful morning breath. I said I have never told him this because I love him & wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. I said don't criticise my appearance again or else. He has apologised profusely so we'll see .......

Good for you, midwife, but what about all the other forms of abuse?

Keep him on a tight rein. Don't let him the bastard woo you and make you soft again - they are experts at that.

sorry to call him a bastard but.....

He only washes his hair once week and doesn't clean his teeth at the end of each day? He'll have dentures in a few years!
Sorry but both of those would be an utter turn off for me, and I would have left years ago!

Dh has a shower and a hair wash every morning and same every evening- not always hair wash but if he has been doing lots of sport or DIY etc then yes.

I would be inclined to agree with him next time

just agree

Smoothed over for now but midwife, you know what he is and you know you don't have to put up with it....

Or, if you stay with him, you've got your work cut out - like, permanently. And for what? Watching him like a hawk, keeping pace with his repetitive tantrums (toddler? teenager? TOXIC t&t's in this case), constantly on the watch to get him to heel. Then a toxic barb will come winging its way from nowhere, absolutely nowhere, and it will floor you - again. He'll be all innocent - what? what did I say? you look beautiful tonight/you're fat. etc. No partnership there Midwife - and for what? Who's it for? more importantly, is it worth it?