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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband says I'm too fat to have sex with.

187 replies

midwife99 · 29/05/2011 12:02

My husband says I'm too fat to have sex with & he deserves a good sex life with someone slim & attractive.

I'm 43, have 4 children ranging from 18 to 1 year old & also work as a midwife. I'm 5'8" & a size 16. We've been together 4 years & I'm within a stone of the weight I was when we met. I do classes at the gym 3 times a week (body pump & spin) & although I'm about 2 stone overweight I'm fit & very little different from how I was when we met. I try REALLY hard to look good apart from starve.

He days he's doing me a favour by telling me that my weight repulses him & he deserves better.

I don't know what to do. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 29/05/2011 12:26

What an utter cunt. It sounds like you're self esteem has been battered into submission by a series of arseholes leaving you wide open to this piece of shit and his bullying.

You have 4 kids a healthy hobby and a career and you're the same dress size as me (4" taller). Wow! I have no kids work in care for a pittance sew as a hobby and barely have the energy left for that! Kick him to the kerb and I bet you a weight lifts from your shoulders Grin

indecisiveforever · 29/05/2011 12:26

I agree with AF and AnnieGYG, the only weight you need to lose to make you feel better is him. However if thats not an option right now, choose to rise above his nasty comments, dress for yourself, and even if you don't feel like it, act like you are confident and feel great. He sounds like a bully and the only way to beat a bully is to not be affected by the things that they say (or at least act that way).

differentnameforthis · 29/05/2011 12:26

So, by telling that he deserves a good sex life with some one slim & attractive, is that his way of telling you he is having a good sex life someone slim & attractive?

Original poster
midwife99 · 29/05/2011 12:28

Maybe my "lesson" in this lifetime is to learn that you don't need a man to be happy or successful. I've always wanted to be in a good relationship but never have been obviously. Is it possible?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 12:29

I am sorry you feel you have to stay in this situation, OP

ask yourself this...if a woman under your profesional care told you she was treated in this way, what would you say to her ?

LostInTransmogrification · 29/05/2011 12:30

I think there is a bit of a lack of understanding on your part OP, what he clearly means is that he is too much of an enormous twat to have sex or any kind of adult, respectful, relationship with you. That's what is coming through loud and clear to me anyway!

AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 12:30

yes, it is possible

activate · 29/05/2011 12:30
  1. he's a controlling arse and when he couldn't get control by the others he tried something new - I'd think very carefully whether he was the kind of person you wanted to be with if it was me

but 2. - and you won't like this and neither will anyone else at 5 foot 8, size 16 and admitted 2 stone overweight you do need to lose weight - but you'll only do this for yourself (I say this as someone who is 5 foot 8, size 16 and 3 - 4 stones overweight so wonder if you're kidding yourself somewhere along the line)

Original poster
midwife99 · 29/05/2011 12:32

I know. It's so hard when it's you in the situation to be brave.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 29/05/2011 12:34

You are not the common denominator. You have just been with some real arseholes! It is not your fault at all!

Is it possible to be in a good relationship?
Yes. I am with a great man. I am overweight, heaviest I have been in the 22 yrs we have been together & he tells me that he loves me now, more than ever. But I think part of that is because I have a lot of confidence in myself. I am not trying to be slim, not yoyo dieting, I am happy how I am. I know it isn't healthy, so will address that at some point but I am happy in my skin. A lot of that is down to dh accepting me for who I am!

AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 12:34

I know it is hard.

But are you any less deserving of respectful treatment than anyone else ?

totallylost · 29/05/2011 12:35

What MadameOvary says :)

I am currently in the death throes of my second failed marriage and, just like you, thinking I am the common denominator. Have just started counselling where I am told its not me, or at least its not just me, but it doesn't matter how many friends, family, strangers tell me its not me and that I am young looking and fairly good looking and have a good figure and a good personality and a sense of humour etc I can't see it. And thats because I DON'T LIKE ME. Spent years with my first husband being put down, in hindsight that was because of his insecurities and he didn't feel good enough for me. But the damage was done. Not sure if this is sound familiar to you, I could be wide off the mark, but if I liked myself more, things people say, or sometimes what I have interpreted them as saying, I wouldn't be so affected.

My current/maybe EXH does put me down sometimes he swears he doesn't mean it, but he doesn't like himself much either. One person with this problem might support the other and you wouldn't notice it so much. But two people...

easycomeeasygo · 29/05/2011 12:35

yes it is possible midwife! I was with an abusive partner for 7 years until i come to my senses, i was told i was fat, a slag and other non deserving names...i was none of these, we had 2 girls, when I finally had the courage to kick him out (with help of family and friends) my life changed for the better! You cope....you have to, for the sake of the children, i didnt realise how unhappy I was until he left, and it was from then on..each day got easier...my focus was on my children not on him and what he thought of me and what he was going to do/say to me next....anyway it turned out, he had several women on the go! I have now being with my hubby nearly 12 years and they have been the best years of my life...there is a light at the end of the tunnel, your an intelligent young woman with a lot of love to give, you deserve it and you will find it. xx

garlicbutter · 29/05/2011 12:36

He's spent a long time telling me how bossy/annoying/controlling/negative/miserable I am - and now he's telling you you're unattractive. What a lovely bloke Hmm

So you've put up with the endless insults, but somehow this one's got to you? Good! Maybe you'll start noticing how he constantly puts you down. You don't want, need or deserve to be treated this way.

You seem to be investing a lot of effort into querying the logic of his criticism! Don't! The only logic here is "Undermine the wife so she'll feel so unworthy, she'll have to stay with me and my crapness." Please don't feel unworthy, and stop wondering if there's any truth in his put-downs!

He's my third husband & I feel I am the common denominator surely - Quite possibly. You feel you ought to put up with crap treatment, so crap blokes are bound to home in on you.

Get working on your self-esteem, woman Grin
You will find this much easier without Mr Miserable poking away at you.

buzzsore · 29/05/2011 12:37

I think what he said is awful, and if it's not an out of character remark and is the sort of way he'd talk to you and behave to you day-to-day, then suggests he's a massively entitled, arrogant arse who doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

Being single is a whole lot better than being with someone who kicks you when you're down. Your dh is supposed to be on your side.

pink4ever · 29/05/2011 12:37

activate-if you dont have anything more helpful to do than to point out to op that she may be a bit over weight then why dont you go elsewhere/feck off?.
Op has posted that she realises my not be ideal weight and is addressing that issue(going to the gym 3 times week while working and looking after 4 kids makes her superwoman in my book!). That is not the main point of this thread.
She is with an abusive arse who needs a fecking does of his own reality!!.Op I would tell him you dont want to have sex with him as you find his attitude repellent.

garlicbutter · 29/05/2011 12:38

x-posted lots :)

littledid · 29/05/2011 12:38

What a horrible thing to say - so hurtful. You don't sound overweight at all and even if you were, he should be supporting you in your efforts to get fit not chipping away at your self-confidence. You've also only just recently had a baby fgs! He seems to have some sort of issue/his own frustrations, which he's taking out on you. What a nasty man. And yes, it is possible to have a great relationship with a man - tell him that and that he simply doesn't fit that bill.

AliGrylls · 29/05/2011 12:39

That is an awful thing to say. It sounds strange if things were always good before.

I agree with those who say there is something else going on with him. Why don't you ask him what is really going on and why he is acting the way he is?

I am sure it can't be doing your self-esteem any good being around someone who tells you you are too fat. I always use work by the rule eat well, exercise well and let your weight take care of itself - which is what you are doing. I imagine you actually look really good.

Malificence · 29/05/2011 12:40

5ft 8 and size 16 is not overweight, especially for someone who is toned and fit.

Has he got a perfectly sculpted and trim body? I'm betting not.

The only excess flesh you have in your life that you need to lose, is him.

takeonboard · 29/05/2011 12:42

Don't search yourself as to why he hates you, this is about him NOT you or your weight.
After all the other things he criticised you for he has found the one that really crushes you - because you were confident in how you look - he is now taking that confidence away from you. Think about it.
If you don't get out now you never will, he will carry on until you have no confidence at all and then he will have complete control, whatever it takes leave him and quick do it for YOU and your kids.

Mouseface · 29/05/2011 12:43

Why can't you lose him OP? Please don't tell me yo feel sorry for him with his broken leg?

How did that happen? Did he trip over the cock hanging from his head?

Mouseface · 29/05/2011 12:44

'you'

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 29/05/2011 12:45

My DH doesn't always show me as much respect as I'd like in some areas.
But he'd never be that disrespectful of my body.
He's my lover, and if he was that rude he wouldn't be anymore.
That would be the end for me.
Huge sympathy though, especially when you have a young child to look after, and plenty of other responsibilities to consider.
Good luck. Possibly a sincere apology from him could help if otherwise things not too bad. Tell him how hurtful his comments are.

supercal · 29/05/2011 12:46

you could lose weight, OP, but he would soon find something else about you to criticise. Indeed he already has. He's done your personality, and now he's moved on to your body. Nice.

You have to see the wood for the trees here.

While there might be a grain in truth in what he says - you might be a little overweight, or you might have nagged him once or twice - his overall message is that you are repulsive and not worthy of loving, and in that he is not factually correct AT ALL.

You are worthy of someone who is does not make you feel bad about yourself. Everyone is.