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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband says I'm too fat to have sex with.

187 replies

midwife99 · 29/05/2011 12:02

My husband says I'm too fat to have sex with & he deserves a good sex life with someone slim & attractive.

I'm 43, have 4 children ranging from 18 to 1 year old & also work as a midwife. I'm 5'8" & a size 16. We've been together 4 years & I'm within a stone of the weight I was when we met. I do classes at the gym 3 times a week (body pump & spin) & although I'm about 2 stone overweight I'm fit & very little different from how I was when we met. I try REALLY hard to look good apart from starve.

He days he's doing me a favour by telling me that my weight repulses him & he deserves better.

I don't know what to do. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
supercal · 29/05/2011 13:12

Yeah, a night out with your female friends would be a great tonic.

But your 'remedy' shouldn't be about getting male approval. You need to give yourself approval (I'm starting to sound like a flippin' self-help book, but 'tis true).

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 13:13

Tell him you don't need him for sex anymore anyway you've a lovely vibrant rabbit that does the job better than he ever could.
That man knowing that a plastic vibrator as replaced him
Will piss him right off.

FattyAcid · 29/05/2011 13:13

Actually you deserve a life with someone who loves and respects you. Get this guy out of your life, he sounds toxic.

supercal · 29/05/2011 13:13

Ah x-posts with CatPower

Kewcumber · 29/05/2011 13:16

"I feel I am the common denominator surely" - well yes you are but I suspect due to having poor judgement when it comes to chosing men. I am happily single at 46, overweight but losing it (for my health not because someone who "loves" me Hmm thinks I am gross). I'm about your height (a little taller and know that a size 16 is not that large - I'm a size 20 and most people think I'm a 16 so I'm guessing that you look pretty normal is a little overly padded.

He isn't saying it to benefit you but to but becasue of his overinflated view of himself and what he deserves.

I rarely post on relationships thredas because not being in one makes me supremely unqualified to pass judgement but I am extremely well qualified to tell you that being alone with your children if better than lugging around this dead weight thats dragging you down (and I'm not talking about the extra 2 stone obviously).

Who cares how he appears to everyone else - if they think he's so great then they can live with him.

AKissIsNotAContract · 29/05/2011 13:16

Please don't put up with this. I grew up hearing my dad constantly putting my mum down, telling her she was too fat and had 'let herself go'. He was a controlling bully and if he hadn't picked on her weight he would have found something else to use to bully her.

You deserve so much more for yourself, but also for your children. I got such awful messages growing up (no one will love me if I'm fat) that have stayed with me, and though I'm no longer bulimic I do have a weird relationship with food/fear of getting fat.

I know how hard it must be to leave him, especially when he is destroying your self esteem but you and your children deserve so much better.

strawberryjelly · 29/05/2011 13:20

If he was commenting on your weight re. a health issue then it could be justified.

If he really did use the words "deserves sex with someone..." then it's not.

I could be barking up the wrong tree here but is there any chance that you are jumping into marriages for the wrong reasons, too quickly?

I am not saying he is right- he's not- but I wonder if your need to be a couple is making you grab any passing man who wants you at the time?

Original poster
midwife99 · 29/05/2011 13:32

I remained single for 3 years before I met husband number 3 & had a couple of flings & turned down lots of men. When I met my husband he was kindness itself, fancied me rotten & treated me brilliantly. We dated for 2 years before we got married & took things really slowly. He wanted to get married & have a baby so we got married, got pregnant & within a month he was threatening to leave. He turned into someone else overnight. I was very wary of marrying again which is why I took my time. Can't believe I got it so wrong despite this!!! To the outside world he is perfect - works hard, looks after kids, generous to others. He's so polite to everyone except me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
midwife99 · 29/05/2011 13:34

Got divorced 2004, remarried 2009. 5 years single actually. Still a cock up though!!!

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 29/05/2011 13:39

You didn't get it wrong - HE did by treating you so appallingly. You were unlucky in that he hid his true colours. Angry

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 29/05/2011 13:42

Really hard for you to know that it wouldn't work out.
Sounds like you're beginning to see that very sadly, due to his issues, it hasn't. Sad
My DH is more outrageous (at times) to me than to anyone else so I do sympathise, especially as you have your 4 DC's to look after.
You're not the only one who has a hard time with men, OP, so don't blame yourself.

garlicbutter · 29/05/2011 13:43

Yes, you didn't get it wrong - he tricked you, basically Angry

AnnieLobeseder · 29/05/2011 13:47

Wow. Just, wow. I've rarely heard of a man treating a women with such a lack of respect. He took his wedding band of because you asked him to look after his own fucking child?

Run, run like the wind. You deserve respect. Though first you need to respect yourself, which must be very difficult while being verbally abused by this waste of natural resources.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 29/05/2011 13:59

Please think of this like you are hearing one of your pg ladies talking to you. It's hard but he is a classic isn't he?

Original poster
midwife99 · 29/05/2011 13:59

Don't worry - the thought of going near another man fills me with horror! If & when I get the guts up to leave this one I'm staying single!

OP posts:
TimeWasting · 29/05/2011 14:04

I'm much bigger than you. If you're too fat to have sex with he must have a very tiny penis. Grin

Sorry you're in this position, best of luck.

Mouseface · 29/05/2011 14:05
positivesteps · 29/05/2011 14:13

What he's saying will chip away at your self confidence. Don't let him do that to you . It shouldn't matter what size you are. You deserve better.

positivesteps · 29/05/2011 14:16

I think 2 years is too soon to marry somebody. You don't know them well enough.

HattiFattner · 29/05/2011 14:16

so next time he comes over looking for some luuuurve, tell him his bald patch/beer belly/smelly feet/tiny penis are revolting and that you deserve a decent sex life wit someone who is not an arse.

whether you keep him after that is up to you.!

springydaffs · 29/05/2011 14:18

It's not you, it's him. He's a controlling bully, charm itself to the outside world. I'm so sorry OP but he's bad news - very bad news. Been there, t-shirt (the whole world still thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread.. )

"He's spent a long time telling me how bossy/annoying/controlling/negative/miserable I am but this latest thing had cut me to the quick because when all else failed I always felt that I looked quite good for my age & had always tried hard in that department." This is classic emotional abuse - gradually unpick you then go in for the kill, using something he knows is important to you.

You know you have to leave him, right? He won't change, he will get worse. yes you are the common denominator but not because you are stupid but because you have very probably been wounded in the same way in the past, possibly your own father or your parents' relationship? I would suggest the Freedom Programme - absolutely brilliant and one near you. I'd also suggest some counselling to unearth what default messages you've imbibed somewhere along the way that means you go for shits like this.

Sorry if that hurts you. You have to leave him. Please don't hang around too long as the damage they do takes years to undo Sad

ps he may hate himself, as someone suggested but DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. He will offload his 'self-hatred' until the cows come home, getting more and more deadly as time goes by. RUN

Original poster
midwife99 · 29/05/2011 14:19

I did say that no one's perfect & we all change as we get older & have ups & downs physically but that shouldn't matter. It's who you are that counts if you love your partner. He just keeps saying sorry but I just find overweight women attractive. I weighed this weight almost exactly when we met & although I lost a stone last year otherwise have been pretty much the same. It doesn't make any sense other than as you all say a way of bullying me.

OP posts:
strawberryjelly · 29/05/2011 14:24

Hard as it may be to accept- he doesn't want you.

if it wasn't your weight it would be your hair colour ( more easily changed sure) or your nose, or your teeth, or the clothes you wear,or the way you talk.

he is looking for a peg to hang his anger on.

End it- as soon as you can.

positivesteps · 29/05/2011 14:25

I think genuinely some people are just nasty and you can't change that only they can . He's selfish and only concerned for himself nobody else and that's where his problems lie.

buzzsore · 29/05/2011 14:25

It's not about your weight, it's about keeping you down, as others have said. He's just gone from criticising other aspects of you to your weight. You know you're little different from when he met you, so it's not about you letting yourself go, it's about him being vile to you.