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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband says I'm too fat to have sex with.

187 replies

midwife99 · 29/05/2011 12:02

My husband says I'm too fat to have sex with & he deserves a good sex life with someone slim & attractive.

I'm 43, have 4 children ranging from 18 to 1 year old & also work as a midwife. I'm 5'8" & a size 16. We've been together 4 years & I'm within a stone of the weight I was when we met. I do classes at the gym 3 times a week (body pump & spin) & although I'm about 2 stone overweight I'm fit & very little different from how I was when we met. I try REALLY hard to look good apart from starve.

He days he's doing me a favour by telling me that my weight repulses him & he deserves better.

I don't know what to do. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 22:24

amen

Original poster
midwife99 · 29/05/2011 22:24

Oh and btw, he doesn't like skinny women either! Only "normal" ones!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 22:27

normal ?

he ain't normal

that's a very narrow range he has there

doesn't like skinny, doesn't like slightly over-the -average ?

is he secretly gay ?

I find, IME, only gay men are so fucking picky and judgemental about women's body shape and weight

point this out, ask him, and report back Smile

easycomeeasygo · 29/05/2011 22:30

i'd say to him 'sweetheart, if you're gonna criticize a woman's figure or any other aspect of her appearance please make 100% sure that you are Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWAT!

Dozer · 29/05/2011 22:30

I very much admire you for your job OP!

But sorry, agree with the others, your DH sounds like he is deliberately trying to hurt you and keep you down.

If you were at work, and came across your DH as a birth partner for another woman, what would you think of him?

Original poster
midwife99 · 29/05/2011 22:30

He's asleep - worn out from looking after his children today (I still got up with them at 7am but went on strike when he emerged at last) but I will ask him that tomorrow. After my first lie in for a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
midwife99 · 29/05/2011 22:33

The trouble is Dozer, he is a prince among men in public! Polite, gentlemanly & chivalrous! When I had our daughter (the baby I trapped him with although it was his idea to have her) my midwife friends thought he was marvellous!! So lovely!!

OP posts:
redflagsahoy · 29/05/2011 22:39

Midwife you sound like a clued in, clever lady. He is being horrible, there isn't a positive trait from what I see, I think you deserve better, and I only know you from this thread. Good luck with everything in the future.
p.s. you wouldn't like your DD to put up with this, you are just as precious in the grand scheme of this. I read the best thing a man can do for his children was to love their mother, your DH isn't doing this.

TDada · 29/05/2011 23:09

Agree that re-training isn't the best option but OP said that she couldn't/wouldn't leave now so was just suggesting some alternative intervention......main point is that I think that OP should take (emotional) control

cathkidstonbag · 30/05/2011 07:39

My DH told me something similar last year. Actually it was a continual dripfeed of put downs about my weight. At the time i was a size 14 as I had been our whole marriage. I started dieting and now size 6 is starting to get too big ... he now either tells me I'm too skinny (which I am) or points out the bits of flab I apparently still have. To say I have a messed up attitude to food and weight now is an understatement.
Don't let yours do that to you, he's messing with your head. You know that, don't lose sight of that.

ChippingIn · 30/05/2011 08:09

Midwife - you might be surprised at how many people tell you the truth about how they feel about your Ex when you leave him - but even if they don't - they're only seeing the 'out in public' side of him, not the asshole that you are living with.

I know it's hard to admit to friends & family that yet another relationship has broken down - you feel like a failure :( But honestly, no one who loves you would want to you to be living with him if they knew what he was really like would they?!

You are the common denominator and from what you have said, you did all the right things trying to make sure he was a good guy before you got married - but somehow you missed some of the signs OR something has happened to him. I think you would benefit from some counselling before you embark on another relationship - just to see if you are 'blind' to something? BUT for now you just need to focus on accepting that this is HIM not you and getting him out of your - and your childrens lives.

Trapped? Idiot. Tell him you have opened the trap door and he is to be out of the trap by next weekend or he will find his stuff on the lawn. I know he has a broken leg - he's lucky he doesn't have a fractured skull as well. He will have to go to friends/family/hotel/ditch... he'll cope.

You say you can't leave him now - you can. It's always possible with a bit of help - what can we do?

ChippingIn · 30/05/2011 08:11

OMG - why are you still with him exactly?

Original poster
midwife99 · 30/05/2011 08:48

I have lots of fear still. Not how to cope alone in terms of children but practical things like how do I do my job (nights on call & weekends) My husband would have the baby but not the other children who aren't his & whose father won't either. The house is mine but I had to give my ex £50k out of it by November which I can't raise alone & the house is on the Market but not selling. I feel very ashamed of admitting another failure to my parents who think the sun shines out of my husband's arse & would be sure to take his side. And so on ... Weak fear .... But I will get courage when I hit that wall.

OP posts:
cathkidstonbag · 30/05/2011 08:56

Chippingin - no bloody idea tbh. Fear of the unknown I think. Besides which im such a screwed up pathetic mess at the mo I can't cope with the thought of any positive action. Anyhow the answer to your real question ;) I just stopped seeing food as my friend. Stopped eating when I was sad/angry/happy/tired etc and only ate when I was hungry. Cut out virtually all fat. And now I'm paranoid about food and terrified about getting fat again ... even tho I wasn't really fat at all! But the thing is that wasn't the problem, I lost weight thinking it would help my marriage and it hasn't.
On the plus side if I do leave I look pretty hot in the right kind of underwear so might stand a chance of actually getting a sexlife!!!

AnyFucker · 30/05/2011 08:59

stick around

as much as we would like you to tell him to fuck off right now we know it isn't easy

keep taking tiny steps to a happier life...one that I hope eventually won't have him in it

TD , nobody disputes that OP has to take emotional control, but trying to change a man like this is a hiding to nothing. Decent men (like you) just don't act like this is the first place, ever.

springydaffs · 30/05/2011 09:02

If your parents loved you they wouldn't want you with him. I'm sensing a sub-plot here re your parents tbh.

So, you've been done over by ex's by the sound of it - join the club, plenty of us in it! Do get into some counselling Midwife - it isn't very comfortable but it does re-set the default setting and is wonderful once you've faced the bogies in your life and relationships, honest. It gives you a lot of clarity to look after yourself and tell people who aren't taking care of you/respecting you to bog off.

I appreciate the practical difficulties but, with a good deal of support re counselling and eg womens aid (also Freedom Programme!) you can gradually work out a way. Please take it from me that you do't want your kids growing up in an environment like this, they just repeat it. I wish I had known this years ago tbh Sad

springydaffs · 30/05/2011 09:09

Eating disorders are very common when you're with an abuser Sad. omg I remember you from your other thread - you're a pathetic mess because you're with him not because you're a pathetic mess. They take you apart like a mechanic takes apart an engine until there's nothing left - though I was amazed at how strong the survival instinct is when I fnally left the bastard. It's still one achievement I am mightily proud of, that I rose up and took my life back. You can do it Stanley Wink

cathkidstonbag · 30/05/2011 09:29

Springydaffs - yes I think eating becomes something to control. Keep catching DH putting full fat milk in my coffee or extra food on my plate, it terrifies him that I am not "fat" anymore. After all he's spent years telling me how unfanciable I am ...
But thanks for saying why I'm a pathetic mess Lol! I know but at the moment things are blacker than they have ever been, treading water for now.

Back to OP please listen to somebody who has dealt with this for 20 years ... it's not your fault, it's him. I know it's hard but get out while you can. Enjoy your life and be happy, we don't get another go at it!

jjgirl · 30/05/2011 09:38

does he look at a lot of porn? or has he recently started looking at porn?

i have never met a man whi is into a lot of porn that did not have the same attitude as your DH (unless they had a fetish for bigger women)

Original poster
midwife99 · 30/05/2011 09:56

No he has always been against porn although of course he could lying! I'm not bothered by porn the way as I have a sneaky peak myself occasionally so he has nothing to lose by lying. He hasn't fancied me for a long time so although he hasn't put it down to my weight before he still wasn't really interested but said it was due to stress & tiredness. But as I said originally I'm only half a stone more than when we met & in fact have been half a stone heavier too which made no difference at the time. It's just a stick to beat me with at the moment.

OP posts:
chris123456 · 30/05/2011 10:15

We are all the common denominators in what happend in our lives. Some things that happen are beyond our control - bad decisions we own and learn from. Don't be ashamed - you did not cause this.

TheOriginalFAB · 30/05/2011 10:22

Ask him when he is leaving.

I have a feeling he wants to end the non-relationship but doesn't want to be the bad guy.

cheekeymonkey · 30/05/2011 10:52

It's really weird but everything you have said from his different excuses not to come anywhere near you to everyone thinking he is the perfect man is an exact copy of me.
I really hope when he moves on from the fat excuse you don't get the one I got - which is unmentionable and I can't get it out of my head.
Things have gone from bad to worse, I will be watching this thread with interest to see if anyone has the magic answer.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 30/05/2011 11:09

classic, classic abuser. as everyone has said, its him not you. Contact Women's Aid and if you can get a copy of "living with the dominator" it lists all the classic traits of the emotional/mental/physical abuser - bet you find yourself ticking off lots of them! get rid as soon as you can, your life can only get better. good luck, stay strong and i think you sound ace!!

Original poster
midwife99 · 30/05/2011 14:52

Suddenly today it's "That's a nice dress you're wearing today" to which I replied "Shame it's on such a fat bird" & "You're a very attractive woman" to which I just gave him the WTF face. When that doesn't work I'm sure the insults will begin again!! Whatever!! Feeling stronger today.

OP posts: