OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

Alright then. I will not stay up half the night asking why. I know why. He is not fit, that's why. He is using her, that's why. He is not thinking of her, that's why. And he is a pitiful excuse for a father now, that's why. And you know what?

When she finally calls time on him too, my DD, I will rest. What a fucking, fucking wanker. I can't even be bothered to waste any more words on him. I was married for 20 years to a complete twat!!!

What a totally thoughtless selfish fucking shit he is and the timing is just hideous. I wish I could come up with a pearl of wisdom for you to find solace in but I can't.

All I can do is let you know that I'm here for you and thinking of you and your DD (((hugs))). Do try and sleep. Easier said than done, I know. xx

Saff I know what you'll say (among other things) - ignore ignore ignore.

I will, I'm not going to respond directly to him at all.

But inwardly I am seething with hatred and hurt on my own and DD's behalf. It absolutely ruined DD's evening, she had spent days planning and stressing about getting it right for RL friend who has been so bloody marvellous. It was supposed to be a thank you, and DD's way of looking after me before we spend time apart. But what happened was friend ended up managing yet another bout of upset and anger. DD went to bed early, angry and lashing out at me, guilty because she had to tell me knowing I would feel upset too. DD said herself, "he's angry because you are picking me up instead of him" she has made the connection herself.

he is angry with me. So he uses DD in the worst way. Fucker.

I told RL friend I'd sincerely thought he would try and tell her about OW in a 'speechy' kind of way, "now we're divorced, OW and I have begun a proper relationship blah blah". Friend said, yes you thought that because to your credit you have a shred of hope that he will try and appear decent, even though he isn't because you are decent yourself. PTM utterly fails in that department.
I have a stack of his books, papers and CD's gathered together. I don't know whether to put them outside the front door and leave them there. DS is also handing over the last things of PTM's this morning. I have warned him that PTM has done this. He offered to take DD to her holiday himself. But she is caught between a rock and a hard place and I don't want that.

I'm not going to turn this on myself. It's not my failing as a person, it's his, totally his. Annie no, you can't assume anything about 'love and support' for me by PTM. It was all a pile of shit.

Look Im just going to rant again, you don't even have to read on, but i've got to get it out of me, it feels toxic.

He has made this all so unnecessarily ugly, more hurtful than it needed to be and for what? For the sake of 'freedom'.

Doesn't look much like freedom to me. Looks like a failed man failing in every area of his life including how to break up with dignity and repair what he can of what's left. He just doesn't know how to do it. He knows how to attach himself like a parasite to women, make himself indispensable and then get dumped. But he doesn't know how to dump and then leave well alone.

I don't care where he's parking his knob. I don't care where he lives. I don't care if he loses his job. I don't care that he doesn't love me.

I do care that having got what he wanted, he can't accept that not everything will go his way. Well, guess what? Not everything has gone my way either, but I get on with it, I don't strike out at him, I haven't done anything vengeful unless going no contact and trying to protect my family is counted as vengeful. I could've done loads of stuff - sent abusive texts to the OW, whistleblown him, contacted his parents and sent them the proof of their DS's bastardness, loads of stuff. But I haven't.

He must really, really hate me for not rolling over and letting him have it all. He must be so angry that I wouldn't run after him so that he could 'look after' me one last time. I denied him that so important role, the one he has built his image around. Well he can feel how he likes, if that's how he needs to be to cope with rejection.

Oh, poor DD, what a filthy trick.

I did kind of expect the negative answer to the "love and support" thing tbh . But listen, you just said "make himself indispensable". He failed in that too, because you've dispensed with him and are doing fine. Or you would be doing fine if he didn't keep barging in and upsetting everyone on purpose.

DD has two volunteers to take her today, I think she should accept one of them. It is totally not fair to make her stick to Plan A when the goalposts have been so spectacularly moved.

Is OW actually going to be in said car for part of the trip?

Gonna sound extra sad...but I'll bet you PTM has no idea he's created this. More to be extra angry at him for being such an emotionally-blank twat, but if you could accept that he's not trying to be deliberately hurtful to everyone, at least you could chalk it up to his complete stupidity and then maybe it won't hurt so badly????
Can you ask DD what SHE wants to do (probably too late now), and then do your best to make that happen.??? Maybe she's seeing more clearly this morning.
I hope you have a better day today, Wisey. We're here for you. x

Hello.

Well she didn't feel able to change the plan but she did know that I was ready to do it on her behalf if it was going to be hard. OW wasn't in the car. DD was in a real state beforehand, tummy ache etc.

Me and RL friend got all the bags and boxes of the cd's, books and papers out the front of the house when he arrived. He said "hi Wisey", I looked at him right in the eye, dumped another box at his feet and said "there you go" and walked back in the house. RL friend said I came across as calm, controlled and dignified. Good. I didn't want DD to see unpleasantness and she didn't. I wanted her to learn that when something like this happens there's a way to deal with it that draws a very definite line under all the shit.

Dd came in to say goodbye and said "that was difficult, he's really upset". I said "don't worry about him, he's fine actually, and so am I so you just go off and have a brilliant time".

So she's gone and I'm ok, haven't had a phone call or text from her so I'm thinking she's found a way to be with him. I am going to spend the day lazing in my garden in the sun.

Thank you all. You're a magnificent bunch of people.

Way to be there for your DD, Wisey. I admire your self-control. Enjoy the gorgeous day!

Girls - I have this hollow space in pit of my stomach. I miss DD so much. She texted me to say she loves me but I haven't heard from her since. I ache for her.

Younger DS (age 27 and still so hurt) has been in tears today. He found it very difficult with PTM coming to the house. I've tried to comfort him, put my own stuff aside. DD going has brought the awful stuff back, I know it's not the same but it feels the same - she will be back at the end of the week, she hasn't gone forever thank goodness.

I went for coffee at male friend who has been in sporadic touch with PTM. He has decided enough is enough. PTM texted him and actually told him that he is so busy with work at X he had forgotten to text friend - friend is quietly outraged that whilst getting paid for being off sick from his f/t job, PTM is still working for the other institution and at the same time going on demos against public sector cuts. It's as if we are being taunted with this information - which if I were to act on it would affect me and DD because PTM will lose his job for sure. I feel sick about it, really sick.
Friend also feels sick - now he is also in possession of information which he will have to make a choice to lie about the next time he sees his manager and she says "how's PTM?".

That's not someone who stupidly isn't thinking, I'm afraid. That's someone who knows exactly what they're doing and is banking on being able to get away with it. I just want him completely out of my life, my DD's life, everything.

When will I/we be truly rid of him, someone tell me please? Then i can give you all a break!

Sorry to see that things are so difficult for you at the moment. I can't really offer you any advice as I have never been in your situation (maybe I shouldn't really lurk on your thread, but I can't help it as I admire you so much). I just saw that no-one else had answered, so I wanted to say that we are all here for you.

I am sure that you will soon turn another corner and things will look up. I do know what it is like to miss a child so much when they are away - when my DS2 went to Uni last September, I felt like my arm had been torn off. Now he is back home for the summer, I find I am dreading him going away again. I can't let him know that of course, but I can't help feeling it!

Keep plodding on and I am sure some wiser people will be along soon :)

She'll be fine, a bit uncomfortable having to drive so far with the pest but better off than travelling at the mercy of public transport eh?

The man is an idiot. His chickens are going to come home to roost sooner rather than later.

Wisey I have been in a similar situ as you are in just now.

I was a bit further down the line than you are just now and my daughter was a couple of years older than your DD but she decided to go to Australia for a year. I thought my world had come to an end and that empty feeling was unbearable at times. I spent many hours crying when on a low day but I had to come to realise that my daughter was only a call away.

I know this doesnt help your ache just now but have a bubble if you feel like it, its better out than in as I would say. Sometimes I cried so hard my rib cage ached but it did pass.

Try and fill your day with positive things and keep giving your son reassuring support - I know youre a good mum and you will always be there for them but you have got to let yourself breathe too.

TC and keep your pecker up.

Hope tomorrow brings a better day for you.

Hi Wisey - Been a really busy day, w lots of DD strife. Now all off to bed and so can get on with a few . OK, maybe I was wrong to think that PTM was just being stupid - thought might be a good way to deal with things in your head. I still think he's being stupid. I keep trying to figure out what his motive is for being this way...what does he think he's going to achieve?? But there's me, trying to over analyse. He's still really stupid...

But other advice good. I would say try to put him into a bubble in your head to deal with on another day. You're emotional because of DD leaving for the week and he's just being a shit to make things worse. Don't let him make you feel worse, just block it out the best you can. You will see things clearly later, as you've clearly proven in this thread you're capable of. Knowing what to do with the thought of him will surely be clear when you can think straight...and that is not necessarily now. He needs to go into a bubble to deal with "later". Visualise DD in her hols environment being really happy, and that will make you smile. This is a great deal for her and we all know you want her to be happy. So send her the good vibes, and you'll also feel good by visualising her happy.

Now for you. Seriously, what can you do this week to change your environment? You need to go do something different for YOU - can you not stay over at a friend's for a few days. Being alone is great and cathartic, but not necessarily when you're doing it in your own home. Please try to go out and do something different. Your mind needs to wander off into something new and different I think....

PTM is true to form. Totally agree with Annie about chickens coming home to roost - karma will catch up with him.

Probably driving OW's car 'cos he can't afford his own. Wasn't OW's husband a builder? Maybe next it'll be a white van and he can be PTM-white-van-man.

What a cock.

You've seen all this before wisey and are well able to handle anything he does until you are totally free of him in every way - you are well on the way. Hope you're doing OK and that DD is enjoying the football.

Hiya kaelle, I have previously given PTM the benefit of the doubt in thinking of him as being stupid rather than manipulative / horrible, but sadly no, he's a bad'un. And not just to wisey but also their DD.

But he is not as clever as he thinks he is and nowhere near as smart as our wisey!

Gotcha Dozer - will club in. Wisey....I really think you're fab and I send you lots of [courage] - couldn't they come up with a lion logo for courage???? We need one in this relationship category.

Hi Wisey - just caught up with the latest.

Hope you're ok hun. Whether he did this deliberately, was just thoughtless or whatever, you'll never know. Horrible thing to do, and it's right up there with ex asking eldest daughter to "meet the lovely family/house/dog" saga. Analysing it on any level is a waste of time and energy - you'll never know what caused it, and really it doesn't matter. Your dd will have a great time, you will miss her, so fill your time up with stuff for you.

I'm more concerned by your reaction to all this if I'm totally honest. You sounded (rightly) very upset and livid, but you mustn't let his actions impact on your wellbeing. Difficult I know, but you have to do as K says and stick it in a bubble (I actually imagine a filing cabinet with different drawers in - top one is kids, second one is me, third one friends/family, fourth one is cats, fifth one is twunt). Twunt's drawer always was at the top, now it's at the bottom, a tatty little drawer, where I stick all "twunt matters - to be dealt with when everything else is ok, and I'm ready to have a rummage in there." In the not too distant future the drawer will be binned completely.

You will get over this blip, and bounce back cos you're a remarkable strong woman.

Take care
X

Saff. Thanks.

I feel a whole lot better today. Got things back into perspective again. Had a therapy session which helped me to make connections between the now and the past and I've put it into the box entitled 'Room 101' - very apt for things you can't stand and want rid of.

I went to buy wool and knitting needles all excited like a kid, only to find the wool shop is closed on Mondays. So now have to find other entertainment.....will read a stonkingly good book I've started in the garden until it's time for tea with RL mate at 4pm.

I am alright really I am. I'm actually enjoying the house to myself, no routine, no thinking about what to cook for DD, being able to put my music on the stereo without glares from DD because she likes rn'b and I don't.
X

You sound brighter, so that's lovely.

It's wonderful weather here, and my dear dad, es, ed, her boyfriend and me are putting me a greenhouse up - I am very excited. Over the weekend I painted a lovely trellis around the patio and put lots of pots of plants around it - it's my little haven. Once the greenhouse is up, I am going to morph into Charlie Dimmock and grow all my own veg and salad. Very excited. It's doing things like this that keep me going.

Good luck with the knitting - you'll love it. We have a quaint little wool shop near us which is open about 3 hours a week at different times. Have you got a John Lewis nearby - they usually do good selection of stuff.

Enjoy your book.

Ahhhh, John Lewis. There's one about 40 minutes up the road.

I.Love.John.Lewis.

So glad you are feeling better today Wisey. Keep up the good work. Enjoy chilling and doing what you want for a change and not what everyone else wants.

Knitting is good. Therapeutic, like. My mother, an enthusiastic knitter, taught me to tangle wool round a couple of needles when I was 6, then I picked it up again 20-odd years later and, with some coaching from kindly colleagues, even won some prizes at craft fairs. (Not doing any atm as I'm having a lazy few, er, years ).

Hoping Wondering whether OW will be mad when she finds her car has been used not only to drop her off at the airport but to make a further 200 mile round trip .

Arf Annie.

Am just off to wool shop now. Will knit a horsehair blanket for ptm to blow his nose on next time he's feeling sorry for himself.