OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

Even if there is no new thread,

its not a goodbye . I have a feeling we'll catch up on other threads around the place.

Thanks Dozer ...back to the packing! Think of me in Devon when you see the weather forecasts this week, we haven't always had the best of luck in the past

Oh my god I'm all over the place today. One minute really sad and tearful, the next feeling hopeful and confident, then unbelievably stressed and can't concentrate.......what the fuck is going on?

Had call from CSA. They've calculated down the maintenance to adjust for PTM paying the mortgage. It works out to the same amount he has just upped it to. Given that I have still gained by it I told them I want them to collect it straight from him. I simply cannot have him paying money into my account any more, like some benevolent dictator, can I? Is this still a dignified way to behave or should I swallow my pride and just allow him to make the payments himself?

Told you I'm all over the place. Fuck, fuck and fuck. now.

Hiya. Sorry has been a weird day, tomorrow is a new one......freaky friday today perhaps.

I can be like this when I have pms! Is like am on weird chemicals or something!

No clue about csa, but you normally do what you feel ok with and it normally works out, so go with your instincts. Also, if csa continue to be involved will it be easier than re-involvong them if things change again, eg ptm claims poverty or stops paying?

Hope things look up at the weekend. Here's a calming beverage

Oooh a good song just came to mind for your strange day - alanis morisette "I'm a Bitch"

Another thought - the finances are the big remaining stress to be sorted out, unresolved, and the area where ptm still weilds power over you, therefore stuff to do with the financnes is likely to be distressing?

Sorry you're having a bad day. Go and play some Stevie Ray Vaughan; despite being blues, I find his music just takes me away from all of this shit we?re dealing with. I have him and Bon Jovi pretty much on repeat these days!

I must apologise about the delay with Liam. It?s only when I got to the monobrow that I realised I'd got my Liams mixed up and modelled a Gallagher. Ho Hum, back to the drawing board.

Hahaha beforeandafter, but you never know, maybe liam g is wisey's type!

Nah, perhaps not.

Wisey, you're not giving my financial brain enough to go on... Enlighten me here or on pm. I havent got the divorce lingo down yet but I want to learn enough to support you!!

Damn, these up and down moments: crap. One minute you're down in the dumps because wonderful bright MNtters keep giving you food for thought on things you thought were sorted in your head, ( that was me this am, but I mean that in the best light possible!) then you cope w sthing brilliantly on your own...then something else comes up to blindside you!!! We just need to be who we are: coping resiliently and hopefully better prepared for WHATEVER comes next. Crap journey... But is it? I'm thinking of Paul Coelho's The Alchemist. I think I need to read it again...that was a very random comment on my part ...bear w me ....it's a great story about fate and destiny, among other things...

I have been blindsided today, probably with leaving my job and all. It's not that I especiallyloved it or anything but it is more loss, DD said she felt the same her last day at school, she suddenly didn't want to say another goodbye......

So I've had quite a bit of the 'shit, this really did happen, I am divorced already' today. It took me by surprise because I really thought I'd done all that. It passes, I know, it's just not pleasant, and thinking about the financial stuff just brings it all back. With DD going away on Sunday this will be the first time since March that I won't be with her for more than a few hours which I realise has kept me going some days even when it's been stressful. Now I'm a bit worried in case I feel lost without her. I wouldn't have a few months ago, in fact I'd have had all sorts of irresponsible plans set up - but as a couple .

I'm not feeling sorry for myself though, it could be much worse than it is. Thanks all. Will pm you Kaelle when I can think a bit straighter.
x

Hi Wisey I've been out all day and just caught up with you and the other girls on the thread.

You have been through so much in the past few months so dont go battering yourself up for having a day that has knocked you sideways.

You are going through another stage now .......... letting go of DD a bit more ... it doesnt matter what age they are or what they are doing we still want them to need us. My youngest is almost 30 and I'm still the same.

Give yourself some breathing space. You finished up a job today that you enjoyed, your daughter is going away for a week and you have probably been her sole carer for longer than you realise. You are worried about driving up to pick her up next week. My God woman ............ you are not superhuman so give yourself some slack and enjoy each day as it comes .. with your daughter or on your own .... you will begin to love the days that you are on your own .......... until then relax and have fun.

As for making the right decision re CSA and PTM ............ let them do the chasing if he renaiges (sp?) on any payments and just get on with living your life.

Dont start doubting yourself now. You have been doing a great job since you started posting on her ............... and you will continue to do the same for a long long time to come.

AMEN ................... lecture over .............. sorry. TC and enjoy your weekend everyone. xx

Hi Wisey. Get the CSA to collect the payments for you, then, as you say, you won't feel like he's doing you a favour.

You're emotional honey - it's things changing - we've coped with a huge upheaval and any other changes just unsettle us. Your DD's going away, so that's another thing to face, and you've left a job...of course you feel a bit emotional.

I said goodbye to my current work pals today - I'll still see them socially, but after my break, I'll be a Psych nurse in A&E in a huge University hospital, rather than a rather small mental health unit. Scared - moi? Nah. "There's nothing to fear, but fear itself" as my dear old nan used to say (amongst other unrepeatable phrases). Also, my rock, ES, is probably off to Uni in October, and whilst I'm proud of him, I'll miss him like mad.

And Lycra Twunt is back from his Italian break. He has sunburn (good). He has brought daughters designer handbags, and sons designer T-shirts. Tomorrow he is taking them all out for dinner (except eldest of course, who hasn't even opened the bag with T shirt in, and says he'd rather eat his own kidney, than dine with his father). Meanwhile, I'm sorting out the huge overgrown garden, flirting with builders (well there has to be some perks to overseeing the renovations), and getting mighty peed off with B&A who thinks she has some sort of hold over Jon Bon Jovi. And I clearly stated in my financial declaration (under the bit that says do you intend to cohabit within the next six months), that I would be moving in with him. My sol. loved this, although for some reason she deleted it from the draft I produced. I am going to have words with B&A - the brazen hussy.

Saffy, I cannot top that. You made me laugh and Wisey too I'm sure. Just what she needed (and I managed to eek off some feel good factor as well). You just demonstrated to all of us that exact point, that some days things feel like shit and you can't think straight, and you think, where have I just gotten to - nowhere - why am I back here? Then you come along, and you're having a sense of humour....very fab. Have no idea where mine is, but you reminded me that I can at least laugh with someone else. You with me, Wisey?

Good morning Saff and Anothermum. I still get so much from your words, thanks.
Here's the rant:

I've been afraid I'm about to take a dive back into despair and longing. I can't stop the feelings but I do my best to replace the destructive thoughts which just make me feel abandoned again.

It all reminds me of how, even before the first OW, I was so lonely. It didn't make sense to me how someone who professed to love and adore me so absolutely didn't seem to want to spend time with me just being together unless there was a purpose to it. Do you know that we spent so little time together really that every year come our summer holiday, we simply didn't know how to be together? I could never understand how I could look forward to something so much, only to feel incredibly ambivalent when it actually came.

PTM said in couple therapy how he had to come to terms with the realisation that he had directly contributed to my loss of independence and self-worth by loving me and supporting me too much - by, in effect, relating to me as a patient, a trainee of his, a subordinate, a supervisee. In response I related to him in all these ways until the only thing i had left which I was more in control of was my sexuality and I was the dominant one in our intimate life. And with the second OW, I even lost that. I wasn't like that 20 years ago I really wasn't. I was about to go back to Uni as a single mum. I was vulnerable in some ways, yes, (aren't we all?) but I had so much hope and vivaciousness.

Now I'm scared, absolutely shit scared, that I'll go on making the same relationship mistakes again. Meanwhile the reality is that I'm now rehearsing how not to make these mistakes again, but with PTM - hence the no contact, the going through the CSA (which I have confirmed with them now - they do it all), the way I behaved in mediation, getting a better job whilst really I was still in shock.

Don't know where this is all going really, nowhere probably, it just helps to get things out there and get some feedback.

I'm really glad btw that there doesn't seem to be any competition for Liam here. I hope B&A leaves out the monobrow though. I want him buffed and honed to perfection.

Wisey, I so feel for you. I'm so sorry you're having a down moment. Can you identify what was the crux of the turning point? Try to break it down? Because it looks like you have some "normally sad" life moments like changing work and DD going away, which you should feel, but try not to let all the other sadness get into that same bucket. Maybe try to compartmentalise that other sadness as a journey with all its ups and downs, and allow yourself to just feel the other sadness as being OK, part of life.

What are you doing yourself while DD is away???

Hey,

Fuck knows is the short answer. Vague plans to do some clearing out, going out with a couple of friends, reading, thought I'd try and teach myself how to knit as a distraction, apparently it's very 'in' right now.

The thing I must not do is spend the time sitting on my arse and ruminating. I'll regret it if I do.
Thanks K, have pm'd you.

Wisey

Knowing that it's been probably 7 years since I first noticed his beginning to detach, until he just didn't love me 'the way I deserve to be loved' it's not a great leap from that to 'I am not lovable'. 7 years is a long time to take to end a marriage by my thinking. Do I give him credit for trying? Or do I tell myself that it was all a pretence? Either way sucks today tbh.

What a woman of contradictions I am right now ^ thread I was saying I wont look back!!!!!! You gotta laugh.....

Sorry to see you are feeling down today, Wisey. Hope things soon pick up for you. For what it's worth, I know that everyone here reading your thread (and I bet there are loads of us including lurkers) would be proud and happy to have you as a friend. You come across as so wise and lovely :)

I love knitting - I'm always knitting whilst I'm watching TV in the evenings! It's very easy and it's therapy. There's good websites available showing you how to do it. Start with big needles and fluffy thick wool and you'll have a scarf by this time next week.

Back to the real stuff. You are lovable. You my love, are analysing the past too much and worrying about the future too much. "He didn't love me the way I deserved to be loved". This is a classic get out for these twunts, isn't it. Mine did this, towards the end, his twist on it was, "I don't make you happy and you should be happy". All in all it's about them giving themselves permission to leave. Yours could have loved you like you needed to be, and mine could have made me happy. Both of them didn't want to though. But that isn't because of us; it's because of them. We both gave more than a 100% to men that didn't deserve it. Now we have to give that to ourselves.

We're healing honey - good days and bad days. Go with the flow. But live in the present a bit more, in the words of Gary Barlow, "Look back but don't stare". (I love Gary, my daughter met him at the X factor recordings a month ago, she told him her mum loves him, and showed him a piccy of me on her phone, and he said "I think I might love your mum!") how cool is that?
I should have put Gary down on the disclosure as second co-habitee after JB Jovi.

Don't worry about making the same mistakes in the future - don't even think about the future - just focus on the day to day stuff, and draw strength from friends and take it slowly.

Right, off to shops to buy enough wool to knit you a Liam.....

OMG - a knitted Liam ... . So much more cuddly than a papier mache one.

That'll be of the Neeson kind btw, not the Gallagher variety.

Yeah, a Neeson one - if I did a Gallagher one you might get his brother cos I never know which is which, bit like Ant and Dec.

If I have any left over wool, I'll knit a JB Jovi for B&A.

Lycra Twunt is due here shortly to pick 2 of the four kids up to go shopping have lunch, then cinema, then dinner somewhere. Haven't given them breakfast so they are really hungry...tee hee.

So I'm off to Sainsbury's to do the weekly shop, then finish painting the new fencing, then do a stack of ironing. Talk about living the dream......

catch you later!

Wisey, not sure about the knitting (no offence Saffy) - could be I'm just having a sense of humour failure...ref other postings....(but I do get the JBJ and Liams, so not completely hopeless). Can you not go away to see a friend who lives in another part of the country??? Just get away, away from the environment you and DD share so you can have a break. It will force your mind to focus on the environment you go into, and allow you to think about what's really bothering you. We all know that when it feels like a muddle you've got to slow down and think through what you're really thinking. (Personally haven't done that today, which is why I'm replying to everyone else's thread except for my own at the mo....will get there) - Yea, so advice I'm giving but having difficulty doing myself...still think it's the right thing to do. Break it down.

Wait... "PTM said in couple therapy how he had to come to terms with the realisation that he had directly contributed to my loss of independence and self-worth by loving me and supporting me too much". I'm missing the bit where he loved and supported you. I assume he used to at some point?

Excuse me, but I'm a bit .

Tonight, when DD had planned to cook her very first meal by herself for me and the RL friend who came like a shot to help out the day her D went (and then took her to the football trial at 5am the following morning) - DD suddenly gets a call from fucking bastard PTM - then she was upset, saying she'd cooked a crap meal (not true), she had a tummy ache, etc etc turns out he is coming to pick her up in the morning in the OW's car.

What a fucking shit he is. What a selfish, inadequate, hurtful crap father he is. How can a loving D put his DD in such an impossible position the night before he has arranged to take her to the most exciting holiday she has ever had, the one for her 16th birthday, after she has told him again and again she wants nothing to do with the OW - and here she is, faced with having to sit 4 hours in the OW's car "because I'm taking X to the airport anyway and my car is not so good at the moment". Fucking crap.

it ruined her evening, no matter how cool I was, I offered to take her myself tomorrow, my RL friend tried to point our the positive, which is "at least you've got a lift there, think of it like that" but WTF how I hate that man.

i am so glad my RL friend was there to witness DD's distress and support me in supporting her.

WHY? JUST FUCKING WHY?*