Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

ribbons, listen. As time goes on it WILL get clearer and clearer and the fog will lift. I promise you that that will happen. Let the fog be foggy and the clear days be clear, let the bad days be bad, no more and no less and the good days be good.

Hello all,

Just wanted to say thank you for this clarification about what is EA or abusive attitude.
I have been wondering a lot of H is abusive as, esp after reading some your posts, my H doesn't look that bad after all. But, he doesn't do anything to change what is upsetting me (even if I've told him on numerous occasions). neither does he with the dcs :(:(

Last week he has refused that I took the car to have the brakes checked over sayinh he had made them as good as they could be. I still decided to go ahead, took the car and... well the mechanic told me H did things the wrong way around and there was a major problem with the brakes (Now solved, thanskfully). I can not believe he was happy to put my safety and the one of his dcs at risk for ... well I dont know (May be he thought it was too expensive, may be he didn't like the fact I did fully trust him, who knows). Pinted all that to him and ... he just stared at me, said nothing and we are now carrying on as if nothing had happened.

I have booked myslef to see a cunsellor and help me getting out (Tried before but I felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a car, scared and unable to move). So prob needs some help to get moving.

Anyway, thank you all for your input. It is helping a lot. :)

torn between mr nice (the one you want him to be all the time) & mr nasty (the one that makes you feel miserable)?

All I want to do right now is to run into the middle of the countryside, breath in huge lungfuls of clean, sweet air and sit a look at the view until it's dark.

tooscared - welcome!! I too am having counselling. it's been a revelation.

am rushing now (bad mother) baby overdue a feed, so have to wake him.

ViVee: torn between two lives - one with him that's like what we've had but with trust and one without him that could be good or could be a nightmare.

wriggling, baby feeding on lap ...

ribbons - is there a chance of trust? i know how shit it is to be constantly accused of affairs.h has done that to me. he is the one with the trust issues. your life without him - could be good, could be bloody good. i can understand the fear of it being a nightmare - is it about how he would react, how you would cope? fear is what kept me with him. a life of fear is no life.

tooscared - another point about counselling. please go on your own, couples counselling in an EA relationship isn't advised. counselling on your own will give you the confidence to work out what YOU want. obviously getting a good counsellor enables you to do that, i have been lucky. but if you don't 'click' change counsellors.

how do you know when its not just him being an idiot.when does it become emotionally abusive?

Ribbons - massive empathy for your situation. After telling X it was over he became so nice today and tried to minimise what had happened, saying that he needed to clear the air and that he was still in love with me. I said that he didn't behave like someone who loved me. Still, it would have been SO easy to go back, but I just couldn't. He can't change.

You are where you are and...what bigbuttons said.
You cant make this feeling go away, because it's important for your healing that you experience it.
Stay with us, we will help you through it.

Hello cheesesarnie can you give us an example?
What you ask is what we've just been talking about btw, have a read through the last half of the thread and see if anything clicks with you.

hello everyone sorry i haven't been around. hugs to those that need it and high fives for those that feel empowered. update on my situation, a talk with the priest and family and friends and i agreed (kicking myself right now!) to let him come home, on the condition he stayed on the sofa & was within his own place by yesterday........still here! I keep telling him it's over he just doesn't get it I don't want to make it work! why didn't i turn my phone off then i wouldn't have had the 3am call!! :(

I am going to make a BIG confession. I used to be 'silverboots' a long time ago.

Confession to myself, really, as baby wasn't conceived with my consent (I know, sounds odd, won't go into details.) And guess what H said when I told him I was pg - 'thank you for having my baby'.

Baby is wonderful & a joy.
I will never tell ANYONE about this in RL.

misspixie - you need kindness, not kicking. how come he didn't move out as planned? has he got a place sorted?

It was a week of hell last week but I finally get that 'free' feeling in exercise class & felt I was on a road to a good place. I'm sure he's got powers, had to re-book the appointment (again!) as my oldest bf lost her grandad so was comforting her, had to help my disabled mum out all week after she had a nasty fall and I let my guard down when I had an emotional phone call of him, his RC priest & his ill mother! I think I just need time to be selfish now & put everything on the burner ready

sorry i meant to add, he keeps saying he can't move until next week now because he needs the money to sort his car first (not my problem love when i have your kids to clothe&feed!) I can't believe all the sh!t he caused, that he promised a priest he'd be out & then had the nerve to 'catch-up' with our neighbour this morning! I know he'll hope everythings alright by then, even told me this morning that i needed to smile more often, told him i would once he'd gone! again!

you've had a lot going on by the sounds of it, misspixie. you def need time for you. a few weeks ago my HV said - what do you do for you? i looked at her, confussed, really didn't have a clue what she was on about.

she repeated the q a couple of more times & i went - 'ohhhh - me, erm,i do fuck all for me' how sad is that?

went out the following day & booked a 'cut & colour' (for ME)!

yes that's very true, nothing really, would love a spa day! he just needs to realise he can't rip everything up from underneath him and everyone else & expect everybody to still be ok with him for yet another time. the only thing I do for me really is the exercise classes, people have different ways of destressing & this is mine:) i do need my haircut so will look into it. He has been uber nice around the kids, but 'played the victim' with me-do you ladies get that?

Misspixie, I think you can take "playing the victim" as standard - they ALL do it. It's part of their complete inability to take responsibility and also means that they can blame you for everything.

Vivee. I'm so sorry. You really do sound as if you have been through a lot too. RL can wait. at least talking here might help until you are ready to be truly honest with yourself about what has happened to you.

thanks, herhissyness. name changes are a bit dishonest, arn't they?

honesty is very painful.

anyway - i am a step nearer to freedom, which feels good AND, of course, i have the most adorable, farty, giggly baby ever!

(even i can see through my own facade - not being cryptic, its just stuff for another time/day)

I wouldn't say that name changes are dishonest in this context, no. As Hissy says, this stuff is hard enough to admit to ourselves, let alone anyone else. Sometimes you need to adopt a persona to get it out there.

ribbons i understand your comment about what if you do something drastic and it's not really warranted? I have been with DH 25 years, nearly 24 married and I often think its just normal stuff that all couples go through. But then friends say it isn't and they seem to be able to go out without being questioned or feeling nervous about mentioning that they want to go out without their partner. Their DHs don't phone and text them to see where they are etc (he says its because he worries about me). Should I be happy to be married to someone who loves me enough to care, wants me physically and is a good father? Or is he controlling and sees me as a possession, pressurises me into sex when I don't want to abd leaves me to do most of the housework?
I know how I feel, but am i right, or am I beign a selfish bitch hoping for greener grass elsewhere?
ribbons don't pm - let it out on here. That way there will be someone somewhere who can relate to you!

Oh I'd love to dementedma, but I really don't want to risk it. I really wouldn't put it past H to come onto MN himself to see what I've been posting. And the details are so specific, he'd recognise me in a heartbeat. I'd feel more relaxed about divulging if it were in private. Maybe one day, if it all comes to an end, I will post the whole sorry history here for all to see...