Seriously I just want to answer your post before I too go to bed 
The answer to your question about creating another set of problems if you move out is yes, because that is life.
However
It is a life where our choices are our own, our minds are our own, our lives are our own.
It is scary as fuck and can only be done when, and if, you are ready.
I know what you mean about the normal life, that's the bits where you start to relax, pretend that it's like this all the time, savour the good mood and cameraderie. The bits that allow you to keep going.
But the thing is, underneath all that, you are still sitting next to a man at the dinner table who, when your guests have gone, will think nothing of dropping the charming, easy facade and demand you tell him what the fuck you thought you were doing by flirting with so-and-so, wearing that, doing this.
I did live with X, pre DD. We weren't married and didn't entertain much but oh it was lovely to go out as a couple! The status you get, the identity you have, is very hard to relinquish. I remember talking to a Women's Aid worker who told me that abuse cuts across all classes, races, strata of society, and thinking, imagine you were, say, a judge's wife 30 years. Could you give up that lifestyle and go into a refuge? To get to that point you would have to have reached the point where your sanity and personal/emotional safety outweighed the lifestyle/sense of security etc.
For myself, I had none of that, my big draw was a sense of family and being wanted by someone coupled with very low self esteem and a terror of being on my own. The isolation didn't help either.
It has taken about two years to get me to the point where acknowledging the importance of adhering to my needs (trust, respect, love, affection) and putting myself first has enabled me to behave in a way that allows me to challenge him (by being the person I want to be, rather than the person he wants me to me) and not care if he fails the test.
That's two years of therapists, DV counsellors, support groups, sympathetic friends. And Mumsnet, DEFINITELY Mumsnet. Somewhere along the line I began to absorb the message that this was not only how I SHOULD be treated, but how I NEEDED to be treated. How I DESERVED to be treated. Everytime I read one of those "I'm sorry but if my DH did that he'd be wearing his balls for earrings"type posts, my need for a respectful, loving, equal partner got stronger, to the point that if I coldn't have that, I'd rather be single.
I'm sorry, I know I'm rambling, but I wanted to tell you that when you stop thinking about their needs and start thinking about your own, it's brilliant.
Hope that made some sense, feel free to say otherwise!