Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

OK, I have pondered on this myself.

IMVHO the difference between an abuser and a plain old arse of a bloke is very subtle.

BOTH men can be equally mean, argumentative, demanding, controlling, jealous, petty and manipulative.

My Mum's H for example is EXACTLY the same as my X. But with a very subtle difference.

My mum can put her H back in his box. She can tell him his behaviour is out of line and she can give him the cold shoulder. She can defy him, tell him to get over himself and refuse to do whatever it was he is stropping about.

Sure he can sulk, moan, strop, but it's what he doesn't do that is (for me) the definer.

There is no REVENGE, no payback, no repercussions, no consequences.

does that make any sense?

If you tell an Arse of a bloke that his behaviour is unacceptable, it's making you sad and that you are miserable, they will stop.

If you tell an abuser the same, he will not stop.

Herhissy I think I love you (in a respectful, non-stalkerish way of course)

I second that. You are sooo full of wise words.

Right. Off to bed with me. Night night anyone who's still MNing.

i wonder that too demented, ribbons and hissy. Especially when you hear what mouse and mama have endured.

I think that we have even started to look into 'abusive relationships' says a lot.

thanks, ribbons.

thinking about the difference between EA relationship & a 'normal' one .
I think telling OH that their behaviour is upsetting/unreasonable etc, not only would 'normal' person stop, but they would also be shocked that their behaviour is upsetting you so much. they wouldn't be angry & try to justify themselves by putting the blame on you/childhood/other people. they would take responsibility for their behaviour.

that was a bit muddled! need coffee.
x

hear hear Vivee! well put.

hugs to all today...

Morning all, would agree the definition above, for me it as about respect, treating others as fellow humans, rather than characters in their personal video game (am I showing my age )

Hope everyone is well today.

Funny thing, ribbonsandlace. XH used to go on and on about those very things, indeed the final split was when I got so sick of being accused of having an affair that I made a (foolish and unsuccessful) attempt to have one. His shock when I told him that I loved this other fellow (who I'd never met! I was definitely not in a good mental place) was very clear. Had he really believed I was cheating on him for the last 20 years he wouldn't have been surprised, would he? At first I used to wonder why he didn't trust me; after a few years I assumed he had a mental problem that prevented him from trusting anyone; at the last knockings I reckoned he was projecting his own untrustworthiness; but now I am inclined to believe he knows bloody well that I am honest to a fault. I couldn't even lie to him about the "affair". He just called me a liar because it's a big insult, it denies a fundamental fact about me, and it's a dreadful thing to say in front of one's children. I bet he knew bloody well I wasn't screwing around too (sometimes he even says so, and when I say "why did you tell your sister, your solicitor and the man at the CAB that I was", he just laughs). The only thing he didn't know was that once I had made my mind up that it was over, no power on earth would have put me back in that box. I used to be sorry for his insecurity, but now I strongly suspect I was taken for a mug.

It was odd, the massive sense of relief when I said yes, I wanted to have an affair and I had a candidate lined up. He couldn't accuse me unfairly any more, because it was true. Sick? You're telling me...

And as I'm sure I've said before, I simply cannot be bothered with the whole bloke thing these days. It's a pity that the arsehole will probably end up being the only lover I've ever had in my life, but I don't need to prove anything to him, either by sleeping with someone else or by not doing so. My current choice is not to. It's so restful.

annie, yes I can empathise with that as I certainly feel that if this relationship does come to an end, I will most certainly not be looking to fill H's shoes anytime soon.

I love your MN name, by the way! Everytime I see it, it makes me smile.

Thanks! I just knocked it up in a hurry one day when I was first surfing this excellent site and saw a post that NEEDED to be answered. I was feeling quite radical at the time. I think the post was from some poor woman whose DH had scooted off to his mothers because she was ill and he didn't want to catch it, but he dropped his ironing off for her to do and picked it up later, at arm's length of course. So, as far as I remember, the first thing I ever posted on Mumsnet was "WHY are you doing his ironing?!?!" I've been stirring up trouble ever since

But even a cynical battleaxe like me was under the thumb of a feeble wimp for 25 years. So I guess it can happen to anyone.

Morning.

Up since 4ish with Nemo. New meds are starting to affect/effect me too. Pins and needles in my fingers and really bad memory loss so if I repeat myself, please just smaile and wave at me

I heart Hissy, always have, always will.

Agree abot the abuser analogy..... he won't stop, in fact, he'll just use it to fuel the fire.

snowmama - thank you lovely lady. People are horrified when I talk about TF. Not that I run around telling people, just close long term friends.

Like you, I have boxes that are kept firmly shut at all times, but every now and then, he creeps into my head and I remember a good time that we shared. There were lots of them to start....... but also lots of lies. He was conditioning me, grooming me, changing me into the person he wanted me to be. I was just over 10st when I met him, I dropped down to 7.5, and I'm 5'7" so you can imagine how thin I looked.

But he liked me like that. He bought my clothes, my make up, everything. I had no money other than my child benefit, and when I'd go to collect it, he'd insit on taking me.

He'd accuse me of cheating on him all the time, when infact it was him cheating on me, he was projecting his guilt onto me..... he accused me to lay the blame elsewhere, and I had no idea.

All I could see was us, the two of us, together forever. He was The One.

When I read the posts on here about how some of you are surviving (just) in the knowledge that one day you are going to leave, it may be soon, it may not be, I can feel the feelings that I had that day that I left. But my fear, worries etc were all tangled up into one big ball of hate, because of what he was about to do to DD, I know that if he had hit her, I'd have lost it.

Anyway, that is my past. It's time for me to move on but it's not always that easy is it?

Yes, Mouse, they do creep into your head, but that's your psyche reminding you how incredibly delighted you are to have got away from the fucker.
Seriously though, I would always remember the good stuff after a breakup. Not done that so far, though it's just happened of course. I feel that there wasn't really an authentic good memory of us together - they were always bookended by some trauma or other.
It'll be interesting to see how I do in the next few weeks - I expect I'll have a few lightbulbs moments.

annie - 25 years - me too. If you can do it, so can I. I worry that I'm settling into an infinite future. We are so settled - house, kids, school, friends, everything 'comfortable'. After 25 years all that sharing stuff is so established.

But what isn't settled is him and me. He seems to always want to pull the rug from underneath me. Leading into the issue above regarding what's the difference between a normal bloke and an abuser, that's it for me. Every time I say something (nearly), there is a negative comment, frequently just a blank silence. The more urgent what I want to say is (whether good or bad), the less he responds. The more positive my comment, the more negative is his becomes. Enthusiasm is met with boredom, activity met with sluggishness, engagement met with disengagement, peace met with disruption. Tidiness met with mess, organised met with chaos. Serious is met with jokes, good morning is met with snores, 'I need my own space' is met with 'let's go upstairs for a quickie'. Quite unbelievable really.

Why does he want to make his life so bloody difficult?

Abuse tend to be defined by the bad things someone does to another, but it's just as often the good things that someone does NOT do to another.

Good point barbie, and one that's hard to realise because we spend so much time blindsided by their hideous behaviour.

oh barbiegrows you have just summed it up in one paragraph - DH to a T!
Today he has left for work and won't be back until Sunday afternoon and I feel so.....light! As if a big dark cloud full of tension has been temporarily lifted. I have a funny tingling feeling which I think might be happiness....house is tidy, he's not here and I am free to have a potter round the shops or , well, anything really!
He sucks the life and the energy from me with endless questions and as you say, negative or challenging comments, snarky asides, etc.
i don't have to explain myslef to anyone for 24 hours, can go where I want, when i want without being questioned over it......is this what it should be like all the time?
Got Van Morrison on full blast and dancing in kitchen.....

Ma.....Yes, it is how it should be like all the time, and it so much lighter and less tiring.

ma - I think it's called freedom!

Although h is now living at his mums, he is usually here 7am-7pm 3 days a week. He's decided to go away this weekend though!!!! no feeling of dread at hearing his key in the lock.

I can just 'be'.

Can anyone recommend a good book on self assertiveness/esteem??

Sorry, nothing useful to say today, just wanted to log on and ... well I don't know really.

I don't know what the right thing is anymore. I don't know what I'm doing, who I am or where I'm heading. I'm trying to cling onto facts and truths but the fog just keeps on coming in to obscure the view.

ribbons - sorry you are in the fog. what's going on?please talk, we are here.

I'm guessing he has upped the anti on the nastiness part of the cycle, ribbons. You can't control his behaviour.
make a space in your head to cling on tightly to those facts & truths.
xx