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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Frightened - think DH is having a psychotic episode

220 replies

sixtyhundred · 19/05/2011 09:49

Can anyone help me? I think that there is something wrong with my DH. Over the past few weeks he has been accusing me of propositioning and then having sex with any (or every) man I meet. He claims that he has recordings and video footage of this happening. These accusations are completely untrue. He has played me a very fuzzy and indistinct recording from his dictaphone but I couldn't make anything out on it. I said this to him but he insists that 'all' the recordings are 'crystal clear'. He has refused to play me any others, but has claimed to have played them to other people but he won't say who they are. He also claims to have bugged the phone and have recordings of conversations, but these conversations that he is talking about simply haven't happened.

His behaviour has been all over the place - buying bottles of champagne, a new car (!) and having a very increased libido. He can also go from raging to normal and talking about the weather, for example, in the blink of an eye. We've also had to do paternity tests because apparently he can't have children so they're not his (again, nonsense as I've not had sex with anyone other than him since we've been together).

He's always been a bit jealous and suspicious but in a 'normal' way, if that makes sense, nothing like this, which has been going on for nearly a month now. He is going to the gp tomorrow, not because he agrees that the things he believes are untrue but to deal with the stress 'of me cheating on him and lying to him'. I'm scared that the dr will ask him if he could be wrong about the situation, DH will reply no and then the dr will simply say that there isn't a medical issue and we need marriage guidance. Which will not help the situation at all and reinforce to DH that his beliefs are true.

He isn't violent or dangerous but I'm finding it all very difficult and upsetting. Both the gp and cpn have said to me that I should take the children and leave, but that feels like a huge step and I feel that he can be helped and things will be OK, I just don't know what to do. Will the gp see that there's something wrong? Is there something wrong? I don't know any more. Please, if there's anyone who can help I'd be so grateful, thanks.

OP posts:

Thingumy · 22/05/2011 23:34

Just adding thoughts.

Of course updating this thread will not be the OP's immediate concern.

I do hope you and ds (and dh) are safe and well.

Readyisknitting · 22/05/2011 23:48

Adding my thoughts, praying you and your children are safe op

EsioTrot · 23/05/2011 11:25

I was hoping OP may have been back at work and able to update today. I really hope everyone is ok, such a scary situation for all concerned.

JustForThisOne · 24/05/2011 15:17

bump

mathanxiety · 24/05/2011 17:56

Hoping all is well...

ConfessionsOfAFlask · 25/05/2011 10:37

25goingon95 · 25/05/2011 14:30

Oh my, hope you and the children are ok OP. Sounds terrifying :(

Original poster

sixtyhundred · 25/05/2011 15:26

Hello everyone, today is the first opportunity I've had to come back on line - thanks so much to everyone for your support and I'm sorry for just disappearing. We're safe and OK.

I think that things are - slowly - improving. We're currently battling to get the community mental health team involved and are hoping for an appointment soon. The GP and now the health visitor are aware of what has been happening and are pressing them for their involvement, so I hope we'll be in their system very soon. DH seems to be a bit better and seems to be spending more of his time 'normal' than not, which I hope is a good sign.

Thanks again to everyone, your support and just knowing that there are people out there who understand means so much. I'll try to post again when I know more about what will be happening.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 25/05/2011 15:30

glad to hear, hope things continue to get better - you may be in for a long haul but the main thing is getting the right help . look after yourself and your DC

Original poster

sixtyhundred · 25/05/2011 15:31

Just read through some more of the messages, I'm so sorry if people were worried and for not getting back here earlier. The situation has been as another poster has experienced - I've been at home and DH has been checking up on what I'm doing on the home PC all the time in case I'm contacting these people who he thinks I've been having sex with. Today is my first day back at work and therefore access to the internet that he doesn't check on.

I didn't go to my parents in the end - it was a strange weekend but we have managed and, as I said in my other message just now, I think and hope that we're moving in the right direction, albeit with some serious kicks to the mental health team!

OP posts:

ConfessionsOfAFlask · 25/05/2011 15:36

good news sixty-glad to hear you are safe.

mathanxiety · 25/05/2011 15:39

Very glad you are safe. Please don't let things drag on, although I know it's out of your hands to a large extent. Your H needs help asap if he is still checking up on you.

Are your DCs safe?

LiveLong · 25/05/2011 16:19

So glad to hear you and DCs are safe - I've been lurking since you first posted but had nothing useful to add. Good luck with moving things forward.

midnightservant · 25/05/2011 19:22

Should the situation happen to deteriorate get onto your GP, out of hours service - in our area they have an emergency mh number to ring - or even 999. When I became psychotic I needed an ambulance, not least because ambulance men are experienced in talking deluding people into getting into the ambulance when they won't take notice of their nearest and dearest.

Just saying this so you are prepared for all eventualities.

So glad things are going well, keep on at mh if you need to.

midnightservant · 25/05/2011 19:24

(I don't mean the ambulance people are deluding the patient, rather that for the patient having delusions is kind of an ongoing process, rather than a state.)

mathanxiety · 25/05/2011 19:42

I second Midnightservant's advice. I had the police tell me (later of course) that if I had called for them instead of trying to deal with exH myself they would have got exH to hospital either by themselves or in an ambulance. The police should advertise their services more.

BarbaraBar · 25/05/2011 19:44

So glad you are ok sixtyhundred. Have been thinking of you.

orangeone · 25/05/2011 20:53

Hi OP

Glad you are feeling ok and currently safe. However, as a mental health professional I have grave concerns about your situation and the poor help you have been given so far.

You know your DH and you know he's not ok or himself. I am not in a postion to make a diagnosis over the Internet but it is clear that your DH's mental health is unstable. Therefore by definition, he may act in ways out of character, which may be unpleasent, distrubing or even violent.

What is the most concerning is that his delusions are around you and your children. On any standard risk assessment tool this places YOU and your CHILDREN at greatest RISK. Your GP and CPN are correct, you need to be in a place of safety whilst he gets help. What I find disgusting is that despite their concerns they don't appear to be assisting you or him to get this.

Your options are basically to get in touch with the local Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) and demand they carry out a mental health act assessment or if you feel he is deteriorating to dial 999 and call the police. They can remove DH to a place of safety under Section 136 of the Mental Health Act and then he will get assessment by the CMHT.

Please have a 'low threshold' for doing this and don't think you can cope alone with what may be the onset of a serious mental illness. I work in forensic mental health and unfortunately see a lot what happens when people don't get help in time. Please take care of your self and your children.

tallwivglasses · 25/05/2011 21:56

Hi OP, I lurked before and (like many I'm sure) checked in every day - and I'm so glad you're okay.

Please listen to orangeone and start making some noise. The first time my ExP had an episode I spent days trying to help him and reassure him (his thing wasn't that I was being unfaithful, but that I was trying to have him killed). He was normal at other times, or just a bit eccentric - DD thought he was hilarious...I felt trapped and confused. Eventually there were suicide attempts.

So please, demand more professional help but involve trusted friends and family too.

EsioTrot · 25/05/2011 22:29

Sixtyhundred, I'm so relieved to hear you are all safe. I hope you can get more real life support and practical help for your DH as soon as possible. I would take the advice of the posters who have knowledge of mental health conditions and really push for the help your DH needs. Please keep yourself and your DC safe.

Thank you so much for taking the time to come back and update. Very best wishes to you all.

cestlavielife · 25/05/2011 22:30

can someone come and stay with you?
likeorangeone it seems concerning that you in a sort of lull but you dont know what he might do.
it is hard not knowing what the threshold is...looking back now i can see it was passed long before the day i called 999.

but then there was the lcum on call psych who recommended going on the planned family holiday to "talk" and get away from it all-that holidaywas a complete nightmare with many displays of self harm etc .
just be ready to "overreact" and call 999....

NanaNina · 25/05/2011 22:58

Sixtyhundred - I think you should take notice of the post by OrangeOne. I am worried that you are seriously under estimating the potential danger to you and your children. The fact that you cannot use the PC at home because he checks up on you to see if you are contacting people you are supposedly having sex with, means he is clearly deluded, or is just madly possessive maybe? Either way it is not a situation that you should accept.

I don't think you should be as complacent as you sound about this situation.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but there it is. Whatever help you get, it is going to be an hour or two a week from the CMHT I guess and there is all the rest of the time that you have absolutely no idea of how his behaviour could deteriorate.

Can I ask if you are afriad of your H? If you are, then you are in more danger and are failing to protect your children from potential harm.
I think it would be very strange if your did not feel afraid in the the situation in which you are living.
Please take care of yourself and your children.

APieOfButter · 25/05/2011 23:15

I agree with midnightservant - when I have been psychotic I have even been to the point of DH basically pinning me down till the ambulance came, I have also een picked up by the police. It is miserable at the time, and i thought it completely unfair, but looking back I am so glad. It was the only thing that triggered me getting the help I needed.

mathanxiety · 26/05/2011 00:45

OP I want to second what everyone is saying about the urgency of all this. Your DH is not living in reality and although he may be quiet right now, that could all change in a flash. My own exH stuck a steak knife in a pillow one night, out of the blue. I had sensed it was all spiralling out if control and had hidden every knife in the house but hadn't found the one stray one at the back of a kitchen drawer. I hadn't called for help as there was a part of me that didn't want to believe things could go so far downhill so fast, but they did. To some extent I couldn't grasp the reality of it all myself as it was completely outside of all my experience up to then and I suffered from the illusion that exH could hear what I was saying and be convinced (that he should sleep, eat, etc., and that he should go to the doctor). And I was a bit like a boiled frog at that point as his condition had been deteriorating for a good while up to that point. The pillow was where I would have been had I not decided to sleep in the basement that night.

tallwivglasses · 26/05/2011 00:58

Math

I just had to deal with a whole lot of blood. Oh, and being taken down to the police station with my mum while they took him off to the hospital. Apparently I'd attempted to stab him and mum was covering up for me. We were both questionned seperately for half an hour. She was 80. Then someone thought to ring his GP...

Okay it's another horror story - sorry OP...just trying to urge you take action x

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