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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Frightened - think DH is having a psychotic episode

220 replies

sixtyhundred · 19/05/2011 09:49

Can anyone help me? I think that there is something wrong with my DH. Over the past few weeks he has been accusing me of propositioning and then having sex with any (or every) man I meet. He claims that he has recordings and video footage of this happening. These accusations are completely untrue. He has played me a very fuzzy and indistinct recording from his dictaphone but I couldn't make anything out on it. I said this to him but he insists that 'all' the recordings are 'crystal clear'. He has refused to play me any others, but has claimed to have played them to other people but he won't say who they are. He also claims to have bugged the phone and have recordings of conversations, but these conversations that he is talking about simply haven't happened.

His behaviour has been all over the place - buying bottles of champagne, a new car (!) and having a very increased libido. He can also go from raging to normal and talking about the weather, for example, in the blink of an eye. We've also had to do paternity tests because apparently he can't have children so they're not his (again, nonsense as I've not had sex with anyone other than him since we've been together).

He's always been a bit jealous and suspicious but in a 'normal' way, if that makes sense, nothing like this, which has been going on for nearly a month now. He is going to the gp tomorrow, not because he agrees that the things he believes are untrue but to deal with the stress 'of me cheating on him and lying to him'. I'm scared that the dr will ask him if he could be wrong about the situation, DH will reply no and then the dr will simply say that there isn't a medical issue and we need marriage guidance. Which will not help the situation at all and reinforce to DH that his beliefs are true.

He isn't violent or dangerous but I'm finding it all very difficult and upsetting. Both the gp and cpn have said to me that I should take the children and leave, but that feels like a huge step and I feel that he can be helped and things will be OK, I just don't know what to do. Will the gp see that there's something wrong? Is there something wrong? I don't know any more. Please, if there's anyone who can help I'd be so grateful, thanks.

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 19/05/2011 11:55

Thinking of you, OP. Stay safe, and hopefully you can get your DH the help he needs.

Reality · 19/05/2011 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 19/05/2011 11:56

please have someone meet you there at home, you should not be alone with him. if no one else please call police to meet you there (or eg meet you nearby then accompany you so he doesnt see police and freak out)

cestlavielife · 19/05/2011 11:57

far better to overreact and be safe. my exP was /is VERY scary when like this. having someone else there is essential.

wihsing you well and hoping for a safe update later

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2011 11:58

Do not under any circs go into that house without a police prescence. He could all too easily become violent towards you, he could be capable of harming you.

You leave with your children and you go to your Mother's.

Original poster

sixtyhundred · 19/05/2011 11:59

Sorry, another update, just had a very odd call from him saying that he doesn't want me to talk to any of the people he is accusing me of having sex with. I had said that I would do that and make them tell him that nothing has happened. When I've said I'm going to do this (talk to the people I'm accused of having sex with) in the last few weeks that seems to jolt him back to reality - I've only just noticed that and I' don't know why it happens. He also said that he must be delusional and when he goes to the doctor tomorrow he'll be sectioned. I'm not sure if he's genuinely accepting that he is or if, more likely, he's just feeling angry and using this as a way of being unpleasant. He's asked me to go home because, he says, he's 'obviously' not in a state to look after DS2 and he needs me to look after him. Again, I'm not sure if he's being entirely genuine about his feelings there, I'll see what kind of reception I get. Can't log in at home with him there and he checks the computer (as you'd expect!) so might disappear for a while. Sorry, I keep going on about every little detail, but this is the only outlet I have and it's been building up for a while!

OP posts:

onepieceofcremeegg · 19/05/2011 11:59

So sorry to hear this sixtyhundred. Did you specifically request an assessment under the Mental Health Act? Try your CPN again, if he/she is not available ask to speak to the duty worker/another colleague. And/or find out if there is a crisis team in your area. Ring GP again if necessary.

Stress to whoever you speak to that he is deteriorating rapidly. Give examples that he is becoming threatening and unpleasant. Tell them that you have had to leave him/will be leaving him temporarily as there is a risk to the children.

tell them clearly he has mentioned suicide.

Someone else said higher up that they will probably not section him. Obviously they have to assess him first (usually 2 doctors and an Approved Mental Health Practitioner). from the information you have given there is imo probably sufficient grounds to section him. i.e. risk to others, rapid deterioration in mental health, possible risk to self.

NoWayNoHow · 19/05/2011 12:00

OP, I really don't like the fact that your DH has called you, been verbally agressive with you, and has now asked you to come home - it suggests that he wants to confront you, and that could be a potentially dangerous situation.

Please at least call your local police station, explain what's going on, and tell them that he has your youngest child at home with him and that you're about to enter a situation that could be potentially volatile whilst your child is in the house.

You have GOT to be overcautious here. Wouldn't you rather have too much support than too little?

onepieceofcremeegg · 19/05/2011 12:00

Agree with meerkat about leaving.

if you are worried about leaving him alone in the house then ring the police (local number at this stage) and clearly state that you would like a Welfare Check. They should go round and check him. If necessary they will liaise with mental health services.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/05/2011 12:03

Don't be reassured by him now saying that maybe he does have a problem. He could be quite capable of realising that you could be very worried/about to leave and be tricking you into a false sense of security to get you home.

onepieceofcremeegg · 19/05/2011 12:03

To add to my above post ring 999 if immediate risk.

cestlavielife · 19/05/2011 12:06

look just agree with whatever he isaying in a noncommital way. "ok yes ok"

dont try to argue or plead or rationalise.

get someone to go with you now to go home.

if you dont have friend or whoever then please call police say you worried about his mental state and there is a child there.

cestlavielife · 19/05/2011 12:08

call police and tell them you on way home (and how long it will take you) but your ex is saying he is not fit to be with your child and you worried. have them go there .

call GP also and leave message there - but main thing is police. to go now and check and stay til you get there.
your child is at risk - your H has said as much.

HerHissyness · 19/05/2011 12:09

Oh god, I won't rest until I know she's safe. How terrifying.

sixtyhundred

cestlavielife · 19/05/2011 12:11

if you do decide to go alone - which you should not - but if you do - have your mobile in hand to dial 999 - if anything happens you can then drop phone still connected so it will be relaying the call to the operator of what he is saying

orangina · 19/05/2011 12:14

I have been following this thread all morning and am now feeling very anxious. Do be careful OP and I hope you are able to follow all the advice posted above...

IThinkTooMuch · 19/05/2011 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BPisme · 19/05/2011 12:18

I have been sectioned for less. As somebody who has suffered from psychosis in the past, please ring the police now. When somebody did that for me, at the time I was annoyed (understatment) but now I am grateful as i wasn't safe and I would hate to have done something awful.

If it helps, see it as not him - it sounds a bit woo (and I'm usually the last to be woo) but it helps me to see it as a kind of possession or demon - ie it is not the person, you need to help them.

Ring the police NOW. Please.

BPisme · 19/05/2011 12:24

In fact, this thread is alarming enough that, if I knew you at all, I would call the police for you.

This isn't a marital dispute or even domestic violence. There is a very high probability that he genuinely does not know what is going on.

Someone once explained it to me like this - if you see someone having a delusion that a tiger is in the corner and they are shouting and screaming, you think "what a disruptive person, why can't they just pipe down and stop going on about it". But think what you would be like if a tiger was in the corner. Because to the person, it is real. If a tiger was in the corner, you would be abnormal NOT to be shouting and screaming.

To him, you HAVE been cheating, there is an elaborate web of lies, and god knows what else he beleives without telling you. Of course he is angry.

That doesn't mean try and look after him - you have no way of arguing with him, because to him, he has evidence. You need to ring the police to get him help for his own good.

LonelyLinda · 19/05/2011 12:24

Sixtyhundred Stay Safe, for the sake of your children. What would happen to them if anything happened to you! You need to be very careful and very safe, if your husband is delusional he could be capable of anything.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 19/05/2011 12:26

Call the police and ask them to meet you at the house for the reasons stated by posters before me.

I had my mum sectioned in January. It was the worst thing I ever had to do, she was having a psychotic episode (as part of her Alzheimers ) and she absolutely thought my children had turned into devils with horns and woolly faces. That is how she saw them. Her reality was as real to her, as it was unreal to me. She had to deal with reality as she saw it, and no matter how much I explained to her that it was not the case, she could not see my view at all. She did have clear episodes, lasting a few minutes, in which time she experienced utter despair and suicidal thoughts.

Good luck.

Thingumy · 19/05/2011 12:33

Worrying thread.

why did you leave your ds with him when you know he isn't safe?

I hope do you call the relevant professionals when you get home.

TobyLerone · 19/05/2011 12:56

This thread is making me anxious.

SingOut · 19/05/2011 13:19

Me too, TobyL. I'm really concerned for the OP.

loopylou6 · 19/05/2011 14:11

What thingumy said

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