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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

two men and not sure what to do?

165 replies

tornbetweentwo · 16/05/2011 21:49

I know this will inflame a few people but I really am torn between two men.

I live with my long term partner and have 3 DCs, we have had our ups and downs and after the birth of our last DC things were bad. So bad that I started an affair with a long term married male friend. He is married with 2 DCs.

I have been having an affair now for the past two years. I am still living with my partner and we are currently going to counselling and things are improving but I can not give up the other man.

His wife found out 18 months ago and it all came out. My partner did not find out until 6 months ago and we talked about me leaving but decided to make a go of it and sort out our problems.

My brain tells me to end the affair but I do love this man and do think I could have a great future with him, even though his Ex is quite evil about the whole situation, but the other half of me loves my partner and our kids and wants to stay with him and he and I are more suited in terms of age etc etc. I do not want to hurt the other man either as he has given up everything for me and I will be kicking him in the balls.

I do not know what to do. I need to give up one or both of them but do not know what to do for the best.

Advice bad or otherwise appreciated

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 16/05/2011 21:52

You need to make a decision because you at present are having your cake and eating it and it is so unfair on both the men concerned.

You cannot continue to live this life as eventually you will end up with nothing.

YOu cannot love your partner that much or when it come out you would have finished it.

Perhaps it is fear of the unknown that stops you from making a decision, ideally you should be on your own a while so you can guage your feelings to both men, i.e not see either of them for a month in order that you can make the right decision.

LynetteScavo · 16/05/2011 21:55

"even though his Ex is quite evil about the whole situation" I can understand why, tBH.

Firstly, put things on hold with the other man. If he wants you enough he will wait.

Then, decide if you want to stay with DP or not. If you don't, and you seperate, you can get together with the other man (presuming he is not with anyone else.)

Going to councilling is just a charade while you are still sleeping around behind your DP's back.

Pedallleur · 16/05/2011 21:55

How would you feel if your partner was seeing both you and another woman? What is it about the other person that you find attractive and why hasn't he made the break?

tribpot · 16/05/2011 21:59

To be blunt, I think cheating on your DP whilst actively in counselling with him is one of the shittiest things you can do. It happened to a friend of mine. You haven't decided to make a go of it at all, you're stringing both men along partly out of guilt.

That aside, it sounds like you need counselling on your own to try and get your head straight. The counselling with your DP is a waste of time at the moment.

Original poster

tornbetweentwo · 16/05/2011 22:08

I do love my partner and when it is good between us it is fantastic but he really does not understand how hard it is with three kids and whilst he does pay all the bills bar my mobile bill - he does not give me much cash for myself each month and he expects me to use the money from my part time job to pay for stuff aswell. This drives me mad.He expects me to keep the place clean and cook food - not all the time but some of the time.

I realise I am better off than a lot of people and if I go with the other man there will be less money as he earns less and EX will insist on her share for their DCs but when I see OM I do have a lovely time and he treats me so well. He now hates but I still think he has a soft spot for his wife who is still causing trouble about the DCS and is not happy with them seeing me until something is more stable, as she says they have suffered enough. She says they need stability and sneaking around is not the way to teach them good habits and morals.

Aagh

OP posts:

tribpot · 16/05/2011 22:10

Errrr, what are you meant to spend the money from your part-time job on?

I agree with his ex-wife.

Plus of course he treats you well, you are not living together and sharing a life, you are living in a fantasy world.

IQuiteLikeVodka · 16/05/2011 22:12

Anniegetyourgun · 17/05/2011 09:08

Strange perspective, OP. How exactly do you think OM's wife should be behaving? Patting him on the head and saying off you go to your mistress dear, give my regards to her partner and kids, oh and don't worry about the bills, I'll manage? That of course would be the sophisticated, modern approach.

Personally if I were in that position I'd want to rip your eyeballs out. That doesn't mean I would be right to do so or that you are a bad person at heart, but it's a perfectly natural reaction.

Get some empathy for the other people in this tangled scenario!

(I think I know what you mean, IQuiteLikeVodka, but some people really do get themselves into this sort of situation...)

Kiwinyc · 17/05/2011 11:34

Ask yourself these things:

What are you feelings when you're with either of them? Your feelings are important - How happy, smart, or hopeful do you feel with each of them? What kind of person do you hope to be, and with which one do you think you will achieve that with?
Who is closest to your heart?
If you imagine yourself 5 years in the future with each of them, which is the scenario that you see yourself happy in?

Be realistic - after two years the infatuation should be over and you should no longer have an idealised view of your affair man, but be sure to evaluate your feelings for him without the excitement that the affair created.

FabbyChic · 17/05/2011 12:17

You are using the other man because you are unhappy in your own life, you don't love him he is a distraction away from the problems you face in your marriage.

Of course you should use your part time earnings to help fund the household.

That is what couples do.

TeeBee · 17/05/2011 12:49

''He now hates but I still think he has a soft spot for his wife who is still causing trouble about the DCS and is not happy with them seeing me until something is more stable, as she says they have suffered enough. She says they need stability and sneaking around is not the way to teach them good habits and morals.''

She's right though isn't she????

SarahStratton · 17/05/2011 13:02

Oh this just has to be a wind up. Either that or you are the most unreasonable, unrealistic, immoral idiot I have ever heard of.

Cocoflower · 17/05/2011 13:19

Agree with sarahStratton

MsToni · 17/05/2011 13:28

And I agree with FabbyChic.

Take time off from OM. Try to resolve issues with CP. If it doesn't work out. Leave and save yourselves from heartache, grief and you feeling duplicitous. If you and OM love each other enough to live with what you have, [+ angry ex] - go for it.

You wont find answers here, its your life and you'll have to resolve these issues and live with the consequences.

msshapelybottom · 17/05/2011 14:28

You sound like a spoiled brat TBH.

For god's sake stop seeing the OM. Put some proper energy into repairing the damage done to your marriage or at least have the decency to leave your H. Stop trying to fix your life by fucking up other peoples'.

Grow up and whilst you are at it, see if you can find your backbone too.....Jesus.

BelieveInPink · 17/05/2011 14:29

He pays all the bills and expects you to pay for some things with your own money? You have to cook and clean "not all of the time but some of the time"? He's stayed with you after you've fucked him over, rather than kick you out and is trying to work out your marriage problems with counselling?

What an utter bastard.

Oh no, my mistake...either you're having us all on, OP, or you're the most selfish, uncaring person I've ever come across.

BelieveInPink · 17/05/2011 14:30

Oh what SarahStratton said.

Reality · 17/05/2011 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

tornbetweentwo · 17/05/2011 18:35

I am not the wife - believe me she would have been alot harsher of her assessment of me. I was a good friend of hers. She loved my OM but he wanted more excitement and she is stability. Very sensible and practical, sort of person you want in a crisis - whilst I am more feminine and men like protecting me.

I wish it was a joke but it really is the mess I have made of my life. I know I should stop one of them but it is so hard. I have had so many opportunities to leave DP but something stops me. OM rented a flat for us to move into when his wife found out but I just could not bring myself to move in and stayed with DP, we used it as a secret rendezvous after hos wife banned me from the house.

If I let OM down how to do I do it, after all our conversations about a future together and a new life, it will make me seem like a complete liar and I do not want him to hate him.

I know I need to make a decision but whilst I have both of them, they both provide things that the other does not, so I feel like I have everything I need just not in one man.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 17/05/2011 18:43

You are being selfish and cannot continue to string along two men, that is what you are doing, one day one of them will see you for what you are a selfish woman who only has her own needs to satisfy.

stickyj · 17/05/2011 18:45

21 yrs ago yesterday, my ex h left me for my best friend. If you are real, then you need to grow up, and think about all the kids involved. My oldest was completely screwed up and has grown up angry and mixed up. I didn't find out, her DH knew, my ex PIL's knew and my dad but as I was pregnant they didn't tell me until he confessed.

You are being VVVVUUUUU and cruel.

bitofthisandthat · 17/05/2011 18:47

God, i wish i had 2 men!!

tribpot · 17/05/2011 18:49

"it will make me seem like a complete liar".

That is what you are.

spidookly · 17/05/2011 19:00

The wife's harsher assessment of you is spot on.

You're all whiny about the mess you've made of your life while you are quite happily fucking up the lives of 7 innocent people.

This OM must be a right twat if he's chosen a horrible bitch like you over the mother of his children.

Your poor children :(

Original poster

tornbetweentwo · 17/05/2011 19:24

His wife bears some responsibility, if she had kept him happy then we would not have had the need to find what his life was missing with her.

she has plenty of money and can survive on her own with the DCs and I would never stop him seeing them but she is being so unreasonable about the DCs not playing together and me looking after the DCs when they are with him. We know she has no right to dictate anything as he has parental responsibility and can do what he likes but he does not want to upset her further. I think he needs to grow some balls and tell her she needs to move on and start living her own life with the DCs and stop dictating what she wants for the DCS and when.

I love OM dearly but all his family are anti me. His mum is refusing to give me a chance and says I am poison - not nice to say to your potential daughter in law.

I knew people would think I was being selfish but it is not easy for me either and whilst my friends support me, I do feel very lonely about the whole situation.

OP posts:

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