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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

two men and not sure what to do?

165 replies

tornbetweentwo · 16/05/2011 21:49

I know this will inflame a few people but I really am torn between two men.

I live with my long term partner and have 3 DCs, we have had our ups and downs and after the birth of our last DC things were bad. So bad that I started an affair with a long term married male friend. He is married with 2 DCs.

I have been having an affair now for the past two years. I am still living with my partner and we are currently going to counselling and things are improving but I can not give up the other man.

His wife found out 18 months ago and it all came out. My partner did not find out until 6 months ago and we talked about me leaving but decided to make a go of it and sort out our problems.

My brain tells me to end the affair but I do love this man and do think I could have a great future with him, even though his Ex is quite evil about the whole situation, but the other half of me loves my partner and our kids and wants to stay with him and he and I are more suited in terms of age etc etc. I do not want to hurt the other man either as he has given up everything for me and I will be kicking him in the balls.

I do not know what to do. I need to give up one or both of them but do not know what to do for the best.

Advice bad or otherwise appreciated

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 17/05/2011 21:29

Well I hope the doubters are right, because it's so depressing, but I have a horrible feeling it could be true. If some people weren't capable of massive self-delusion, extramarital affairs would be almost unheard-of.

Vicky2011 · 17/05/2011 21:30

If this is true you are utterly delusional and horribly selfish

PatriciaHolm · 17/05/2011 21:30

Don't believe a word of it. Someone's trying out their new bonkbuster novel plot on us methinks.

Guttersnipe · 17/05/2011 21:42

If both men know about the other, and still both want to be with you, and all the children are friends who like playing together, and you simply can't choose between the 2 men, how about suggesting a menage a trois? Then you can pool your resources, OM can afford to pay off the ex-wife, and both men can enjoy your obvious attractions. Everyone wins.

Stick that in your novel and see if you get any takers at the publishers.

Cocoflower · 17/05/2011 21:47

Why not make it a foursome? Ex-wife has plently of money after all why not cash in and get her to join in the funtimes? Marry 'em all, divorce em all and within five years you could be well on you way to millionaire status!

Original poster
tornbetweentwo · 17/05/2011 21:59

I am seriously not a troll, has no one else loved two men and not known what to do.

I expected people to flame me, so not actually that surprised but I can assure you this is not a try out for a novel, it is my life and the mess that it is in.

I want to give up one of them and I think I know what I will do then it changes and I am trying to work it out. The suggestions from some of you are helpful re not seeing OM but he is so needy and his wife really is ignoring him except for kid contact so he really is lonely and isolated and when he calls all my good resolutions go to pot. She really has turned quite nasty and we used to be such good friends. But this is not about her it is about me and OM and my DP, she should not influence my decisions.

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 17/05/2011 22:05

You really like to blame ex-wife dont you? Are you jealous of her?

PatriciaHolm · 17/05/2011 22:10

Do them both a favour and leave both relationships. I don't think either of them will make you happy; I don't think anyone will, as you seem to have a totally unrealistic view of how exciting relationships should be. Sort yourself out first before inflicting yourself on someone else.

tribpot · 17/05/2011 22:11

I thought you said she needed to move on? Sounds like she has, if she only has kid contact with him. And rightly so. If he's so lonely and sad, maybe she wasn't such a bad wife after all.

Hard to believe she's not still a good friend Hmm

tadpoles · 17/05/2011 22:11

This forum is not the place for this kind of dilemma. What you are describing is very common - sorry, not to deny your pain - but you will not get any kind of helpful reaction on here. In real life, what you are describing happens all the time but there is a double standard operating in terms of what people 'should' do as opposed what they 'want' to do - on here at any case - maybe because this forum is female dominated??.

I would take this dilemma elsewhere, most of the reponses are verging on the psychotic to be honest. Quite pathetic really - usual responses from the same people who are spouting the same old crap - boring as hell....

AnyFucker · 17/05/2011 22:59

no place is the place for this kind of "dilemma"

tadpoles, I know you like to stick up for the underdog, but if this is real (which I seriously doubt) you are wrong on this one

ohmyfucksy · 17/05/2011 23:12

I am more feminine and men like protecting me

I promise you the relationship with the OM will end in the shit if this is its basis

FabbyChic · 17/05/2011 23:29

If you had been fucking my husband behind my back you could make fucking darn sure my kids would not go any where near you not a fucking chance.

Get realistic you have no rights to see his children they are not your children, you fucked over your friend to get something out of her husband, you are fucking over your own partner because you are a weak, pathetic excuse for a woman with no heart.

NeonGolden · 17/05/2011 23:31

Honestly, I am just staring at my screen with my mouth wide open. If this is real, I've never seen such complete lack of any guilt, emotional insight etc. whatsoever. Absolutely unbelievable.

If you don't get yourself some help, I'm pretty sure you'll end up bitter and alone, oh well maybe your incredible femininity will help you past all that...

I'm sorry, but I don't think you really want to be helped, if this is real I think you just love all the drama in your life.

FannyNil · 17/05/2011 23:55

By which newspaper, organ of the gutter press, example of tomorrow's litter are you employed? You expected to be flamed so you won't be disappointed. It's all about you, isn't it? Yet you blame the OM because he is 'needy.' You lack self awareness. You lack sympathy, empathy and have a complete disregard for the damage you are doing to the members of two families. You make it seem as though you simply cannot help what you are doing - a completely immature attitude. Try thinking about the children involved. If you were cheated on like this, would you just accept it meekly? You seem to expect the OM's wife to do so.

spidookly · 18/05/2011 01:15

Arf at there being a "double standard" between what people want to do and what they should do :o

Fascinating that someone with such a poor grasp of English, of basic abstract concepts, and with an utter lack of any insight (aka an idiot) should bother to weigh in on something they barely understand.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/05/2011 08:25

Putting my own moral standard aside for the moment, I do wonder whether the OP genuinely has no realisation that some people are actually quite angry about having their partners slept with. It does depend on the culture you're in, I suppose. I was brought up surrounded by monogamous families and it took quite a few years to realise that not everybody sees the world in such terms.

Open relationships work for some people. But in this case the other parties are not cool about it, so does it not behove our delicate flower to start accepting they have a right to feel that way, and perhaps modifying her behaviour to suit? The sensible move would be to ditch the lot of 'em and go shag the Brigade of Guards find a partner who has no problem with sharing sexual activity outside the primary relationship. As I say, it does work for some people, but only when it's mutually understood and agreed, and there are usually quite strict rules to help it work. Here there seem to be no rules, just "I want" and fluffiness, and some very hurt people. In this context, then, what the OP is doing is wrong, no two ways about it.

pointissima · 18/05/2011 08:28

You have three children. Face up to your responsibilities and work at your relationship with their father

TheOriginalFAB · 18/05/2011 12:11

If you really want to make things work with your partner delete and block the OM's number. It isn't difficult to do.

Original poster
tornbetweentwo · 28/05/2011 11:15

I am trying very hard to lessen the contact with OM. Have only seen him once since last posting but we do talk daily on the phone.

Not sure how to get it through to him in a nice way that it is not going to work. He really sees me as his saviour and the true love in his life. I realise that is partly my fault for leading him on but I do not just want to end it and him end up hating me.

His wife is still being awful, getting other people to do child care as she does not trust him, because of some self harm issues last year, which came to nothing with a bit of counselling. I think he still loves her as he will not move out of their home and she is now buying somewhere for her and the two DCs to move into.

I wish I did not love both of them and my DCs.

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 28/05/2011 11:23

Putting aside the moral issues here, which everybody else has covered and then some. To me you sound quite lonely and cowardly, actually (am assuming you want honest opinions here).

Doesn't sound like you 'like' either of the men much - you definitely don't love them or you wouldn't have both of them on the go and be lying to each of them in turn. The fact is, if either were the right man for you, you wouldn't be wasting a minute on the other.

It sounds to me like you need to be on your own for a while, ie not living with or seeing either of them. Then you can learn to be a bit more self-sufficient and try to get yourself to the point where you don't feel like you 'need' a man in your life because you can look after yourself. Then you can decide what you want in a partner and find that person.

It is ok to be single you know, a man isn't a life-support system.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 28/05/2011 11:32

If it wasn't for the fact that xp's ow is so computer illiterate that she barely knows how to switch the computer on let alone navigate a forum like this I might think that I was your OM's ex that you are complaining about.....

Xales · 28/05/2011 11:42

This man is sooooo amazing that he spends months fucking you behind his wife's back but won't move out of the marital home and give his wife and children security. Typical selfish wanker then who doesn't care for anyone more than himself and his dick really.

Oh by the way what happened to the secret flat/apartment/love nest that he rented for you to move into or did you forget that was in your one of your posts Biscuit

Are we still allowed to parp on here? I haven't seen a good parp for years.....

MuthaHubbard · 28/05/2011 11:44

i hope both guys wake up and dump you

scottishmummy · 28/05/2011 11:48

advice?stop being a duplicitious cheat
stop dressing up your selfishness as some quasi-romantic torn betwen two lovers drama
5 children and 4 adults all going to be affected because you cant keep your pants on.shameless

be a mature adult. make achoice and stop mucking people about

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