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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

two men and not sure what to do?

165 replies

tornbetweentwo · 16/05/2011 21:49

I know this will inflame a few people but I really am torn between two men.

I live with my long term partner and have 3 DCs, we have had our ups and downs and after the birth of our last DC things were bad. So bad that I started an affair with a long term married male friend. He is married with 2 DCs.

I have been having an affair now for the past two years. I am still living with my partner and we are currently going to counselling and things are improving but I can not give up the other man.

His wife found out 18 months ago and it all came out. My partner did not find out until 6 months ago and we talked about me leaving but decided to make a go of it and sort out our problems.

My brain tells me to end the affair but I do love this man and do think I could have a great future with him, even though his Ex is quite evil about the whole situation, but the other half of me loves my partner and our kids and wants to stay with him and he and I are more suited in terms of age etc etc. I do not want to hurt the other man either as he has given up everything for me and I will be kicking him in the balls.

I do not know what to do. I need to give up one or both of them but do not know what to do for the best.

Advice bad or otherwise appreciated

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 28/05/2011 20:18

No mental illness assumed. Just plain old fashioned game playing.

FabbyChic · 28/05/2011 20:21

The OM does not love you, he loves the person you have pretended to be.

I am at a loss as to understand why you have deceived so many people and think it is acceptable.

You have nothing to offer this OM all you have told him is lies, his feelings for you are based on those lies.

You expect his wife to allow you access to his children that is being unreasonable.

I say get yourself out of both relationships because you do not deserve either man.

You are a liar, and a bitch.

Grow up.

Original poster
tornbetweentwo · 28/05/2011 21:06

OM is still currently married and has not moved out of the marital home.He sleeps in the spare room. She just carrys on as if he is not there, they are talking relatively civilly apparently and he does not tell her what he is up to on a daily basis, for the sake of the kids they are apparently not arguing or screaming at each other and his job takes him away alot so, when he is home she works as much as possible.

His wife is in the process of buying/renting somewhere to move into. To be honest I thought he would move into our flat but he did not - I think he misses his DCs. He says he wants me and to have a future and children with me and I am the only person he has ever wanted to be with.

So I suppose he is saying one thing but his actions are another, bit like me. If he really wanted to leave I suppose he would have done regardless of the children which speaks volumes, like me too.

I just do not understand what hold she has over him.

Maybe we do both deserve each other!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 21:27

Op, that last post made more sense and showed more humanity than all your others put together

I hope you are absorbing some advice from this thread, even amongst all the Biscuit and name calling (which you thoroughly deserve, btw)

you really need to sort yourself out and stop hurting so many people (yourself in the process, remember that)

LouMou · 28/05/2011 21:32

I can't see for one second why that evil wife of his wouldn't allow you all to live together with all the children as one big happy family.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Idiot.

scottishmummy · 28/05/2011 21:55

have you & fancy man discussed the kids eg schools,convenient location, access to other parent,big enough property for 5 kids,the logistics of living together?

all this la la la love is avoiding the obvious, if you both actually wanted to be together you'd get a move on it. but you havent so got to ask self .why?it speaks volumes. you can both fuck and be head fucks maligning your respective partners but when it comes to it.....nothing gives.no significant change

Wisedupwoman · 28/05/2011 22:30

OP I think the operative term here ^ is 'apparently'. Has it occurred to you that you have met your perfect match - someone who is even better than you at betrayal?

Here is another story. My STBXH's first OW, when I was introduced to her as 'a friend' was 'entertaining':

her boyfriend (apparently a horrid fucked up monster, although she couldn't possibly get rid)

my (then) beloved DH (apparently her rescuer and confidante)

my DH's then colleague (apparently a deluded lap-dog who pestered her)

I'm pleased to say I fucked them all off and once I did that, I felt clean again. So my money's on the OM's wife for being the only one with an ounce of self respect and common sense.

Allalone0 · 28/05/2011 22:40

Hmmm OP just read your post where you write
"even though his Ex is quite evil about the whole situation"

Apologies if someone has already pointed it out, but 'How on earth SHOULD his wife behave?????

Should she have welcomed you with open arms?????
Suprised she hasn't damaged either you or him!!!!

Aislingorla · 28/05/2011 22:46

It 's the 'wife' in this scenario that I (and I would say) most people feel for. She would certainly get my support if she wrote in inspite of the way you've
painted her.

Allalone0 · 28/05/2011 22:55

Hear Hear Aisling....First her husband is cheating on her and Second she is badmouthed and made to look the 'bad one', when she is Better off without any of these lowlifes people

scottishmummy · 28/05/2011 22:59

op,given you lie and malign about your dp to fancy man - dont you worry that you have a tentative link to him.hence you lie and create a dependency of poor you to maintain fancy man interest

what about fancy man finds out your current partner doesnt abuse you mentally or physically,and that you are a bit of a fraud

cerealqueen · 28/05/2011 23:11

OP, have you read ANY of the advice as there is some clear pointers about the way forward.
I think maybe, you are just wishing that you hadn't been found out and could carry on with the OM. If you did finish with OM, I'm betting somebody else would take his place as you seem addicted to the intrigue of the whole thing, like you are the star of your own soap opera. I'd say try being on your own but as you like to do the feminine little lady act who likes to be protected (even though this is based on lies that you tell) the you won't last long.
You need to do some real soul searching. Take a step back and read what you have written, as you have behaved very selfish, betraying your husband, lying, betraying and your friend and potentially ripping the lives of your Dc apart.
Shame on you.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/05/2011 00:00

"As they are now old enough to talk it of course makes it much harder for us to meet."

Does this mean what I think it means?

Oh god Shock

FabbyChic · 29/05/2011 00:06

He has two children, two children he loves.

You expect him to move out of the marital home and be somewhere stuck in a flat on his own just sitting waiting for you, whilst you stay with your husband?

Are you deranged?

YOu want him to give up everything for what? Nothing? What are you giving him other than stringing him along with lies and deceit?

Wisedupwoman · 29/05/2011 07:01

Sorry, but the more this goes on the more I doubt the OP's authenticity.

Each of her posts brings a fresh morsel of outrageousness. She hasn't actually contributed much to her own thread other than to feed it with more titbits.

So I say let this one shrivel - anyone in a similar 'position' who reads it for their own advice will by now have an idea of the vox pop re: infidelity.

onlyone · 29/05/2011 09:33

wisedupwoman - I posted when this thread started a few weeks ago, as I really did think I was in the twilight zone but actually quite reassured that I was not the only one in this completely crazy situation.

One of my good friends pointed me back here yesterday, when we were out with the DCs. She had commented that bar a few little things the story was uncannily similar.

I would bet hard cash that I am the OM wife - so hello "tornbetweentwo".

All I can say is that if you think what she has told you is unbelievable then think again. She has not even started on some of hers and her OMs behaviour - everytime a new outrage occurred last year, I was shocked and yes I did say I was in an episode of hollywood wives, sluts, whores and fucking bitches but sadly this was my life. You forgot to mention that this is not the first time you have wrecked a marriage is it, this would be the third. However, this is the first time DCS have been involved. Not so funny anymore is it.

So darling - I am moving out, I have found somewhere,with my own money. Do not worry not his, I have my pride, my self respect and my little family will survive.

If you are not the chronic festering infection that exists in my life, then you must be her evil twin sister because I seriously doubt there are two people this fucked up, nasty, self absorbed, selfish and malignant in the world. I actually feel sorry for my soon to be EXH - he really did get suckered this time. If you are not her still thank you for putting the thread on as it has reinforced my beliefs that I am not the evil one.

To everyone else, your comments have been interesting, made me smile and helped me realise that I am not unreasonable, evil, irrational bitch, even if the OP is not who I think it is. The temptation to name her right now is quite powerful - but just on the off chance I am wrong and there are two people this similar I will refrain.

Aislingorla · 29/05/2011 10:02

Ok, onlyone, this thread is so unbelievable. But I 've just briefly looked back at your rcent posts and now know it's not a windup!
It's interesting how no matter now badly the OP tried to paint you people saw you side clearly, isn't it?
Why does she think she'll ge sympathy on a forum like this?
Does your 'soon to be EXH' know how much she has lied to him, I wonder!
Anyway, best of luck to you and your DCs. You show great strength of character.

strawberryjelly · 29/05/2011 10:04

Wow!

Is this for real?

I don't know why either of you want this spineless man who doesn't know what - or who- he wants.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 29/05/2011 10:08

I can vouch onlyone you are most certainly not the only one out there.

There are elements of the story where I also feel that I could be the OM wife.

Except, although similarities exist the specifics such as number of dc's, timescales, living arrangements are not the same...and besides xp's ow barely knows how to switch a pc on.

Anyway my point, I also feel reassured that I am not being irrational and unreasonable when I ask xp to separate his relationship with a married woman and his relationship with his children in time and space. Especially after he admitted to using the dc's to re-initiate their affair after I told her DH.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 10:16

Shock Hmm

strawberryjelly · 29/05/2011 10:17

onlyone- are you referring to the OW who phoned you last year- and said your Ex was about to commit suicide whilst with your DCs?

I don't know who to believe- you say in other posts that you have only 1 child due to a health condition- then in your other posts you say you have 2- aged 2.5, and a year.

Lots of contradictory things going on here.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 29/05/2011 10:24

Was that at me AF?

AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 10:24

trollery 101, innit

davidtennantsmistress · 29/05/2011 10:27

only one - assuming you're the wife, you have my sympathies. but it does get easier, and you will come out of this stronger. honestly. my DS never met the OW, I would have done (did do) exactly what you did with regards to it all.

to the op - shame on you, I do stand fully by what I said, and I honestly can't believe someone one would feel so god damn entitled to wreck two marriages and think it's acceptable with a 'poor me' attitude.

Aislingorla · 29/05/2011 10:28

Yes, I'm getting confused here too but maybe onlyone changes details to remain anonymous. It does look like she's in the middle of a never ending episode of the Twilight zone!