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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

two men and not sure what to do?

165 replies

tornbetweentwo · 16/05/2011 21:49

I know this will inflame a few people but I really am torn between two men.

I live with my long term partner and have 3 DCs, we have had our ups and downs and after the birth of our last DC things were bad. So bad that I started an affair with a long term married male friend. He is married with 2 DCs.

I have been having an affair now for the past two years. I am still living with my partner and we are currently going to counselling and things are improving but I can not give up the other man.

His wife found out 18 months ago and it all came out. My partner did not find out until 6 months ago and we talked about me leaving but decided to make a go of it and sort out our problems.

My brain tells me to end the affair but I do love this man and do think I could have a great future with him, even though his Ex is quite evil about the whole situation, but the other half of me loves my partner and our kids and wants to stay with him and he and I are more suited in terms of age etc etc. I do not want to hurt the other man either as he has given up everything for me and I will be kicking him in the balls.

I do not know what to do. I need to give up one or both of them but do not know what to do for the best.

Advice bad or otherwise appreciated

OP posts:

HauntedLittleLunatic · 29/05/2011 10:30

I think you are right AF, but there are lots elements which are going on in peoples lives everyday.

strawberryjelly · 29/05/2011 10:31

Onlyone if you think that this OW is the one who had an affair with your ex H ( though not quite ex as you are both in the same house still) and your DCs are the age you say- then their affair was ongoing- she said it began 3 years ago- at the time you were conceiving your DCs now aged 2.5 and a year.

Either you have chosen the wrong OW, or you are all telling porkies, or this is abigger mess than it first appeared.

MCDL · 29/05/2011 10:35

Oh dear, what a mess ..... Make a decision for sake of all involved. Had an affair with married man 6 years ago .... Been devoured on Mumsnet and rightly so, learned much from it. He left and we together ever since. We have dd 5 now, his kids 13 and 16 at the time were the ones that suffered. We were nieve and did not make them priority. They are good now 19 and 23, bridges getting built, but after a lot of pain and upset .... PUT ur children first and OM.s children first whatever you both decide ....

norwegianwood · 29/05/2011 10:53

You don't love either of the men. You only love yourself. I truly hope you are a troll otherwise you are deluded and egotistical.

onlyone · 29/05/2011 10:53

There are numerous similarities the number of DCs she quotes are different but the rest is so close to reality it is not true. what convinced me was the self harm issue which believe me happened last year and something the counsellor and I have worked bloody hard on me overcoming my fear of letting him have the DCs. The job that lets them get away with it.

I may be wrong but believe me if I am not the OMs wife then, I do feel so sorry for whoever she is because it is hell when you meet someone like this and the complete and utter destruction it wreaks in your life.

I now think in my life the two criminals have actually been having an affair for a lot longer than either will admit to - classed as casual flings.

As to me I do feel like I am in an episode of hollyood wives etc etc.

I may be wrong - I have one bio child, one not - not that I differentiate between the two. So sorry if anyone confused about number of my DCs, never think of them as different.

strawberryjelly · 29/05/2011 10:56

so who does your other child have as a bio father? if it is your DH's then where is his ex?

it still means that one of these chidlren was conceived whilst the OP's affair was ongoing- if any of this is true and you think she is the OW in your marriage.

onlyone · 29/05/2011 11:26

adopted - not blood related to either of us. So yes he was having an affair as we went through the process!

And yes it will also mean that one of her DCs was conceived whilst they were having an affair and the implications of that have not passed me by either!!

I told you it gets messier and messier and if OP is who I think it is, your hair would curl and you really would not believe that anyone can be that selfish and self absorbed because she has not told you the half of the things she has done. I am the idiot who even gave her a key to our house, as I believed her that her DP was being that bad and said come and stay - how stupid was I. I have never liked her behaviour with men in the past but then plenty of my friends have a few traits that I do not like, but they are my friends not my lovers. Since the DCs were born had thought she had turned a corner!

Am I better off with out both of them in my life - then yes. However, he is still DCs father and when good is superb and I do believe kids need both parents in their lives. So I do not obstruct access, except to say not seeing her, kids go round to our old home as we moved out a few weeks ago and there is another thread regarding that!

So like I said some amazing similiarities and a few subtle changes to the script, so I may be wrong but reassuring that I am not the only one.

Wisedupwoman · 29/05/2011 11:49

onlyone I want to respond to your post.

My question about the OP's authenticity is a global one - about the potential for trollery and if not that, her motives for posting here, which if nothing else appear to be self-serving and attention-seeking (she has been duly rewarded on that count).

I am truly horrified and sorry that you have been through such an ordeal. I commend your actions and hope you find some peace soon.

strawberryjelly · 29/05/2011 11:53

well- I am really surprised you were allowed to adopt with all his flaky moments and the need for drs appts re. MH- which you refer to in other threads.
The OW here says that you are looking for a flat and have not yet moved out.

This could be one utter wind up from both of you- who knows.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/05/2011 12:27

I can only speak from my experience, but I know at least one person who has been an OW twice, perhaps three times (depends how you count it) and uses the most astonishing justifications. The reason why it sounds so ridiculously far-fetched is because it's coming from whatever planet she migrates to when she wants to do something which is reprehensible but doesn't want to believe she is a bad person. It's like when a small child is caught with its hand in the biscuit tin, but rather than admit it was doing wrong spins some amazing, inventive yarn as to precisely why its hand was there, which was not in any way related to swiping a biscuit before dinner. Only some people never grow out of it, which is rather scary.

onlyone · 29/05/2011 15:04

strawberry jelly - until last year and the suicide incident which I referred to last year, then he is normally fit and well and by then new DC had been ours.
It is the OW/OP who has loads of hospital appointments - so whilst I have a chronic health condition that reduced the chance of me having another DC quite significantly - (took 10yrs to have one successfully!) EXH is healthy.

Like I said there are a few discrepancies but the similarities abit like "Haunted " says are uncannily the same - I may be wrong but believe me if I wrote my story it would be a block buster novel - it makes me wonder at times! She knows I have all but a few belongings moved out - although the concept of separation seems to be far from EXH brain as he wants to spend more time round at my new gaff looking after the DCs than he stays in the old house.

Wisedupwoman · 29/05/2011 15:06

So where do you think the OP has disappeared to then, as I'm a bit confused as to where this thread is going TBH?

Aislingorla · 29/05/2011 15:07

So OP, are you the OW in onlyone's story?

lazarusb · 29/05/2011 15:19

To me it looks like the OM wants to stay with his wife & dcs.
OPs DH seems to want to stay with OP.
OP will never be happy whatever the conclusion.
Onlyone - if you are the wife in this situation, good luck to you, stop letting your H hang around you and move on. Live your life and ignore the waste of time, space and energy that the OP is. Look after yourself and your children, I wish you all the happiness you deserve

onlyone · 29/05/2011 20:04

I so hope that I am not the wife in the OP original posting but like I said some scary similarities that made not just me but also my good friends who are also on mumsnet to mention it to me.

However, if I am not the wife then there is some other poor mug , like haunted and I who are suffering at the hands of some self serving delusional bitch and it is hard work, believe me.

I await the OP returning to tell me I am wrong...

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