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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

two men and not sure what to do?

165 replies

tornbetweentwo · 16/05/2011 21:49

I know this will inflame a few people but I really am torn between two men.

I live with my long term partner and have 3 DCs, we have had our ups and downs and after the birth of our last DC things were bad. So bad that I started an affair with a long term married male friend. He is married with 2 DCs.

I have been having an affair now for the past two years. I am still living with my partner and we are currently going to counselling and things are improving but I can not give up the other man.

His wife found out 18 months ago and it all came out. My partner did not find out until 6 months ago and we talked about me leaving but decided to make a go of it and sort out our problems.

My brain tells me to end the affair but I do love this man and do think I could have a great future with him, even though his Ex is quite evil about the whole situation, but the other half of me loves my partner and our kids and wants to stay with him and he and I are more suited in terms of age etc etc. I do not want to hurt the other man either as he has given up everything for me and I will be kicking him in the balls.

I do not know what to do. I need to give up one or both of them but do not know what to do for the best.

Advice bad or otherwise appreciated

OP posts:
strawberryjelly · 28/05/2011 12:10

His wife must be very wealthy if she can afford to buy another home for herself and the DCs while they still hang on to the marital home. no?

if this is real- and you are not just a bored teenager or something- can you not see the situation for what it is?

He cannot love you that much as he is still with his wife.

he will not be as heartbroken as you think.

He will get over it.

If you are meant to be together then you would both leave your partners- or end it properly .

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 28/05/2011 12:12

Take steps to do something right.

Go away for a couple of weeks on your own. Don't talk with anyone during this time. Think about your kids and what you want (you hardly mention your kids btw).

Make a decision and stick to it. You are messing up everyones lives atm.

scottishmummy · 28/05/2011 12:14

face it toots hes not that into you
still with wife because he doesnt really want to leave her for you
people can and do leave partners,get divorced if they are so minded
fact your fancy man still with his missus speaks volumes

lazarusb · 28/05/2011 12:30

You deserve to be on your own. Permanently. Leave your children with their father and grow up.

Original poster
tornbetweentwo · 28/05/2011 13:57

My OM gave the flat up at Xmas as he could not afford to keep paying the rent on it. I had not forgotten that - it made life so much easier that and both are jobs are conducive to hiding time away from other people.

I love my DCs hence why I have not moved out and am trying to make a go of it with my partner. As they are now old enough to talk it of course makes it much harder for us to meet.

I have a great time most of the time when I am with my partner but also with OM just different. I would have been nice if we could ahve tried living together with all the DCs as a family but his wife will never allow that or even for su to take them away together for the weekend. She is really irrational.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 28/05/2011 14:06

But you're not trying to make a go of it with your partner are you? You are still seeing the OM!
His wife is NOT IRRATIONAL you and her H have betrayed her repeatedly. Why the Hell should she make life easier for the two of you! You are both incredibly selfish and absolutely ignorant of the pain you are causing.
Your Dh should kick you out, keep your dcs and you and your OM should financially support your children and rot in Hell while your exes make a happier life without the two of you playing your pathetic games.
Both of your sets of children would be better off with responsible, mature parents who love them.

keynesian · 28/05/2011 14:21

Maybe you just need to realise that you can't have what you want - that is a husband, home and family as well as your OM feeding your ego.

Grow up, get over it, make your decision and stick to it!

TheOriginalFAB · 28/05/2011 14:30

"I wish I did not love both of them and my DCs."

Hmm
Original poster
tornbetweentwo · 28/05/2011 14:31

OM very protective of me as I ahve let him believe that partner is both mentally and physically abusive towards me. It was bad after last DC and with counselling he has admitted to behaving badly but bar knocking me over by accident as he tried to get out of the flat when he found out about it all, he has not hurt me physically but OM believes otherwise.

I have also lied about alot of other stuff. I realise it is wrong but it is so hard to stop.

I realise I have screwed up royally but am struggling to make a decision I think I know and then I speak to one or other of them and change my mind.

OP posts:
strawberryjelly · 28/05/2011 14:35

so you have told this OM a pack of lies.

why?
To get him to love you?

You can't possibly love him either.

Get out of his life and his family's and start growing up.
Do you realise how immature and selfish you come over here?

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 14:38
Biscuit
TheOriginalFAB · 28/05/2011 14:49
Hmm
lazarusb · 28/05/2011 14:52

You are utterly ridiculous. You are a manipulative liar. You need help. I wish I knew your partner, I'd help him pack your bin bag.

Wisedupwoman · 28/05/2011 15:05

TBH OP your infantile wish for this OM not to hate you belies a deeply manipulative and cunning personality.

You've had plenty hate here on this thread you have chosen to create and clearly it matters not one jot to you.

Stop it. Just stop it.

Xales · 28/05/2011 16:06

You need counselling.

If this is all true you are a nasty pathetic selfish sad person.

If it is not you are a nasty pathetic sad person.

MooMooFarm · 28/05/2011 16:47

Jesus have just read your most recent posts and truly think you are beyond help. Your poor children Sad.

Do yourself a favour and get some counselling, for their sakes. Am hiding this thread now as it's too depressing.

NulliusInVerba · 28/05/2011 16:57

OP, do please come back and update. I'd like to buy seats now for when karma comes back and slaps you in the face.

I'd do a bit of armchair diagnosing and say you were a psychopath, but you really dont appear intelligent enough.

No. Just a whore then.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 17:06

I was going to say you were mentally ill, but I reckon that is an insult to mentally ill folks

you certainly have a personailty disorder whether this is real or not

Original poster
tornbetweentwo · 28/05/2011 17:13

I realise what I have done is wrong and what I am doing is wrong and was prepared for the flaming. Slightly surprised that no one else has ever felt the same about two blokes.

I surely am not the only person who has loved two people and been torn,a s one offers one thing and the other something else.

I wish this was a wind up but it is all true and it is my life, my partners and my OM - we have to sort it out between us and the wife will just have to get on with it - sorry but she deserves what she gets.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 28/05/2011 17:14

She's not mentally ill AF but she is an example of narcissism at it's most extreme. I thought my parents were selfish and stupid when I was a child but the OP here takes the cake.
I wonder how she would feel if the OM's wife and her husband got together and built a family life.... would love karma to sort that one out....at about the same time the OM leaves the OP for someone more exciting because she couldn't keep him happy....Wink

NulliusInVerba · 28/05/2011 17:30

OP she was your friend.

He was married.

You are married.

You all have children.

Just how many people do you want to betray, exactly?

And why is it her fault? Shes not feminine enough? Well newflash darling you wont be either soon, ageing comes to us all. Or is it because she is a bad person? Well then why were you friends with her?

The posters here are not "ignoring" your choice dilema, because there is no choice. You shouldnt be allowed a choice. Having feelings for two men is not the same as destroying two families.

keynesian · 28/05/2011 17:31

Of course people have thought (or think they thought) that they loved two people.

But thoughts do not automatially lead to the decisions and actions you have taken.

You really would be better off by yourself than with either of these two men you are most horribly deceiving. I suggest you tell them both the truth and therefore solve your problem.

strawberryjelly · 28/05/2011 17:44

Have I missed something OP? In your original post you tak of the OM's ex- is he still married and are they living together or not?

You might love 2 men but you can only live with one.

If your marriage is over, move out.

Then decide what you want.

The Om does not appear to be saying he wants you- is he?

If you are so undecided, then either is right for you,IMO. So you should leave them both- or make a huge effort for your children's sake and mend your relationship with their father. Only you know if there is any hope of that.

Wisedupwoman · 28/05/2011 18:08

Can I make a suggestion here, since you have chosen to 'go public' with such a thread?

Invite both your DH and the OM to read your thread.

One (or both) of them is then sure to help you out where we all certainly can't.

GollyHolightly · 28/05/2011 18:09

Excellent idea wisedupwoman! Grin

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