The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Spring Into Summer.

[Mouseface]

Hello

Welcome to The Brave Babes Battle Bus.

This is a quest full of Babes, all fighting to remain sober, cut down or are somewhere in between right now.

You ticket to travel is free, it won't expire, and the Bus will always be here, even if there are days when you are not. So come say hi.

I'm Mouse. I have a thing for cheese and vodka, not together, well, not always!

Here is a LINK to the last thread, where you can read all of the previous threads and the journeys so far.

4c4 well done on saving the dog! I can't help but grin at the image of you schlepping back to the car dripping wet, sorry

Afternoon ladies

16 days. I'm finding it quite hard going tbh. I'm going to lots of meetings which help, but I have a niggling thought. Next week I'm doing my step three (friday). I keep hearing how this is when many people really start to feel the benefits of AA on the obsession side of alcoholism, and sometimes when they stop wanting to drink at all. So, the niggling thought is 'just one more time' I know it's ridiculous, and not pretty if I play the entire scenario through in my head, but I can't help but want to do it anyway.

Any wise words?

mouse good luck for the respite assessment, I really hope you get the break you need x

I can't remember if I mentioned it here, but dd1 has been thrown out of school. We're being referred for a special unit where they have mucho experience of kids like her with social difficulties, so if you could all just think positive thoughts that the referral is accepted, I'd be very grateful, thanks. Don't ask for much, do I?!

Yes Golly

DON'T DO IT!

just not worth it

you are doing so well

batter that demon around the head NOW

go and do something to take your mind off it

x

hello silver!

golly - all i can say is that nothing will feel any better if you decide to drink! - you are doing so well, why spoil it now?

4c4, i also have this picture in my head of you with duck weed in your hair and oozy shoes!

Ha haaa. Excellent advice silver

Right. Just don't do it.

I'm off to a meeting in an hour. The meetings I've been to have been quite eventful recently, including one where a bloke started pouring wine into his teacup, which wasn't funny at the time but I can't help but think it's hilarious in hindsight. Who said life would be dull without alcohol?

Hi JWN

Evening Babes

Oh 4c4 - poor you! But like others, I did a little at visions of you squelching through the place all soaked!

Golly - listen to Silver and Jesus

It's just not worth it sweets. There is NO justification for ruining all of you hard slog is there? Really? Just like that?

Nemo has been double medded so I'm hoping for some peace soon. We have gone through 10 nappies and shed loads of wipes so far because of his poorly tummy. He gets a cold on it, as well as a head cold.

Magic wand anywhere?

I'm looking forward to a nice long weekend with DH around. We have a festival here, annual thing, and this year we have The Feeling, Boomtown Rats, Tinchy Strider, Fake That (who I have actually seen and they were shite) and a whole load of others that I've never heard of but DD was more than aware of.

I am getting old.

Morning Babes

Hope everyone is doing Ok today. I've just been round to ex's house to tell him about the dog incident yesterday. He was in the bathroom so I suggested I come back later but called up the stairs that our dog had almost drowned yesterday. And he said....

'Good'

What he actually meant was "Go away. I don't want to speak to you at the moment. I donot believe that what you said was accurate."

But what a truly hideous thing to say.

I really do need a kick in the pants to stop trying to be amicable with this man. We were both responsible for the failure of out marriage and both behaved badly. He is still carrying a massive amount of anger about how it ended - 18 months ago now - and I have tried to be mature and have an amicable relationship but time and again he has shown up that he is not worth it - there is ZERO coming in the other direction.

I helped him when he was in hospital for an op on his back after we split up. I helped him again recently when he was almost run over and hurt his heel. Yet when I am sick he does nothing. NOTHING. He didn't even help when I had really bad flu at Christmas, and no running water or loo for 3 days when the pipes burst.

Please tell me I need to stop trying to mend this relationship.

I am breathing deeply. Will go out soon with the dogs - but nowhere near any water :)

Hey All

Hope everyone is doing well, sorry just popping in to say that I am still alive.

Busy busy, but happy happy.

Bafana

4c4 - STOP TRYING TO REPAIR THIS RELATIONSHIP!

Please. He's clearly not in the same place that you are. As you say, he doesn't seem to care about you.

Can I ask you how long have you been apart? I don't really know any history. I'm happy to talk to you about all this if you want someone to listen to

PM me is you like but don't keep it in and don't let it all build up.

Enjoy your walk x

Why did you pop round to his house 4c4? Was it child related?
I agree with Mouse. He doesn't seem to care about you. Do you care about him?

We've been apart 18 months Mouse.

We have no kids - just two dogs together and we share their care - he has them days during week, I have them weekends -it works for everyone as he is retired and I am awya 12 hours a day during the week, commuting on the train and working. We also share a car -again, practically, that works well. But we need to negotiate over repairs and stuff which means me seeing him.

He's also not very far away - about three minutes walk if I use the cut-through - I live in a very small town, more of a village really. But we never need to walk past each other's house IYSWIM.

I am simply revisitng an old pattern of desparatley trying to get someone who is unavailable to like and respect me. There is also an element of self sabotage and punishment going on too. I really need to stop it. It's interfering with my happiness.

4c4 Do you think it might be time to disengage with him? Ok, so you've got the dogs between you, perhaps an arrangement like lots of separated couples have with children would work - set times and days and the only communication about them kept brief and either at drop off time and/or by email? It sounds to me like you're still very much entangled, like sharing a car. I would assume that the car share agreement would become tricky if either of you found yourself in a new relationship (sorry, don't know if either of you is in a new relationship already?)

Afternoon all

I wanted to go back to something said a day or two ago about partners. Someone said that their partner had got the hump because she was no longer putting up with bad behaviour/habits that had previously (during drinking years) been tolerated out of guilt. I have exactly the same problem even though I've not been sober long. I'm already noticing the things that he's not doing and feeling resentful of them. I have to say that today he has been exemplary - it's been rainy and he's been very domesticated despite the fact I'm sitting on my bum watching shite tv, and I do hope this is the beginning of a positive reaction from him because I'm not drinking but what if it's not?

I'm learning that my biggest alcohol trigger is resentment and I've often, over the years, felt resentment when I feel that dh is not pulling his weight (we've been together 18 years ( ) so I need to find a way not to feel that resentment. I cannot change him I can only change my reaction to him.

Meh. Maybe as he trusts me more he will naturally want to do his fair share - god knows we've talked about it enough over the years - but I am a bit concerned that he won't, and what I'm going to do about that if it's the case.

4c4 - so you already know that you are your own worst enemy then? Doesn't make it any easier to let go of something or someone though does it?

Maybe that's the problem? That you share the care of the dogs/share a car and that gives you a reason to see one another. Has he moved on with anyone else that you know of?

This is going to sound so horrid but I think you need to try and cut all ties, don't rely on him for anything. But I guess that maybe £ wise, you can't afford to get your own car and don't want to split the dogs up from one another or from him?

And I think you're still in love with him. Sorry if I'm way off mark here but I don't think that you can move forward, or even wamt to, until you end this relationship.

Put it this way..... if you met someone new and they said 'Oh, I jusy need to go get the dogs/car from my X, see you in a bit' wouldn't that not seem odd?

It's lovely that things are amicable between you, but you want more. xx

X posted Golly

Stop projecting. Stop worrying about if your resentment towards him 'makes' you pick up.

You are totally right in thinking that you have to change your reaction to him, alter your thinking to make sure those triggers are no more.

Not an easy thing to do when you have an emotional attachment to someone who is winding you up!

Have you talked to him abou thow this makes you feels of late? Does he know that you somtimes resent him for the way he makes you feel?

Sorry that you are feeling like this.

As for sitting on your arse all day, DH is upstairs finishing DD's room of after cooking me breakfast this morning, and he'll be doing dinner this evening. Nemo and I have chilled on the sofa all afternoon!

Good point, mouse, I haven't talked to him about how it makes me feel but I'm finding it easier to talk about tricky subjects the longer I'm sober so the next time I start to feel tetchy about it I'll make a point of picking a suitable time for a chat. I don't feel that I can mention that being resentful might make me pick up because I really don't want him to feel in any way responsible for me drinking - although with any luck that won't happen!

Anyway, like I said, he's being very well behaved today. He's just been out to buy a birthday present for the (severely disabled) little boy that he takes care of a couple of times a week, and to have a trawl round the charity shops. He sometimes brings me little treats back from outings so i asked him what he got me. He handed me a 12 pack of featherlite condoms Not sure who that present was for if I'm perfectly honest. Still, nice to know that he wants to use them at some point and we are child free until midnight... hehehe.

Mouse You are so right. No, it doesn't.

The carshare thing is not a huge problem on a practical level apart from getting him to pay up ( but that was the case when we lived together too) - in fact when we met he had the same arrangement with his previous ex and that didn't worry me at all. He is highly unlikely to embark on a new relationship for a fair while (I know you may all be going but I know him pretty well.

The dogs - we do have set days when we have them the only time it varies is if I'm on leave and I have them with me.

I need to stope expecting him to do ANYTHING. You are right. And I thought I ahd after the christmas debacle.

Perhaps I am a bit in love with him still. Oh dear.

The other bad, bad news, is that I am drinking this evening.

Ha ha ha haaaaa Golly - we use those too. And I'm the same gift wise! One Christmas I actually wrapped a box of 12 for DH

Think he knew he was on a promise some time soon

Golly - JWN will be able to tell you more as she's kinda being going through a change in her relationships of late, but the clarity hits you in waves. You see things that you never used to, feel things, want things and also dis-like things too.

I remember the first few nights that I didn't drink when DH still drank like a fish. I remember thinking 'fuck, am I that annoying'??

Nope, not when we are both drinking the same. But when one of you is no longer in tune with the other, then the differences start to show.

I guess now, DH and I have caught up and have found our place next to one another, you know?

Just take your time, observe, absorb and react. Sounds really patronising but it works.........

And don't forget you can come on here for moral support and a good old moan anytime! There is always one of us here sweets xxxx

Thanks mouse I can see that things are going to shift a bit.

Dh doesn't drink, btw. He's not entirely tee total, but he's a two bottles of beer and that's enough kind of guy. He very very occasionally has more if he goes to see his best mate out of town and stays over. We used to drink a lot together in the very early days (pre children), in fact I once spent a night holding his hair out of a sick bowl but he either grew out of it or started overcompensating for my drinking by barely touching the stuff at all. This is a blessing because it means it's absolutely no big deal to him for there to be no alcohol in the house, but it's also a bit of a curse because it means he has absolutely no idea how I struggle not to drink sometimes.

This is a great place to offload but I do sometimes worry that my posts are a bit me, me, me. I try to keep up with others lives but as I work five days a week and seem to be uber busy a lot of the rest of the time with family stuff and meetings, I sometimes don't get onto MN for several days, so apologies to you all for that.

This evening I will mostly absorbing myself in movies (Titanic followed by Little Miss Sunshine) and drinking ginger beer.

Sorry 4c4 - X posted with you.

Okay, so you're drinking, so am I. Only shandy but still, I'm drinking tonight. The difference between you and I (maybe) is that I have a plan.

I have had 2 small glasses of shandy (curry for dinner so some form of lager is a must!) and plan to have 2 glasses of white wine later on. 125ml pub style glasses. And then I'll get a pint of water, brush my teeth, take my meds and go to bed.

Why don't you join me? Not in bed, I think DH might have something to day about that! but make a plan?

Sweetheart, I know more than you could ever imagine how shit this is for you. Unriquited love? Wanting what you can't have? Thing is, you can't just turn your feelings off for him. And the very cruel part of that is your X knows this.

So maybe, somewhere along the way, he is using that to his advantage, just a little?

You are worth so much more than that. You know that you are but actually, you are kinda happy in this little rut, with your current routine, your current 'planned week'. You don't like change much......

There's nothing wrong with that, not at all. But it will only hurt you more, the longer it goes on.

It's time to stop this cruelty. You want to stop drinking? You want to take control?

Well then do it. Come on girl, do it! Why should he have such a hold over you still?

He knows that he does.

It's not going to go further, you've been there already and it's now 18 months down the line.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get out there with the girls. Plan a night out. A night in, pizza, wine, yes wine, nails, chat, chocolate, dvd, whatever. Make a plan and stick to it.

You need to be YOU again and right now, you're not. It's oh so easy for me to sit here and type this but after a 2.5 year abusive (from ever angle) relationship, I survived, I got out and I moved forward.

You can too, we're all here to help you.

One day at a time.

Big hugs to you xxxxxx

Golly - that's the whole point of this Bus, it has to be ME ME ME, otherwise what's the point of a support thread?

NEVER feel bad about letting it all out! You've seen me waffle on and download often enough.

I think that's what makes this place so safe, so appealing and actually, one of the few threads on MN where no-one is judged, made to feel unwelcome, asked to leave etc.......

This Bus is for everyone, drinking, sober or somewhere in between like me!

Have a fab film night Golly, we're on Big Barn Farm for the hundreth time today. Just waiting for Nemo's meds to kick in!

hey all, just a quick hello. are you all ok?
indie, thurso venus mouse and, oh, everyone else. Too many lovely babes to mention
am ok. keeping up the running as it gives me headspace and is toning up my poor drink-ravaged body. Can do 5K now so am going to work at doing it faster than my current almost walking speed.
Otherwise, nothing new to report.

You go Ma!!! I bet you look fantastic and feel bloody brilliant for being able to breathe out there.

Fab to see you xx

mouse no problem I realised :)

I can't join you in a moderation evening though -I am well stuck in. Will post back tomorrow...

And can I also say this is the ONE place I know I can come to and not be judged or shamed - or enabled either. Thank you Babes.

Hi 4C4 I am here for the evening if you want some company. I'm sorry you are feeling unhappy tonight, but what are you going to do for the rest of the weekend?

I am planning a long lie in tomorrow, a little light shopping and than a baking fest on Monday I think. Not very exciting, but a nice rest.
Ma I am deeply impressed, sorry, I couldn't get my card to work on your giving page thing, but have sponsored a work colleague with you in mind instead.