Im fed up of my spoilt sister- she has now demanded £100,000

[Roseflower]

My sister is 26 years old.

My parents have fully funded 2 higher education courses to date.

6 months ago she decided she wanted to become a vet.
She got offered a place. However since it is a second degree it will cost £100,000 over five years for this particular university. There are others that charge £13,000 for five years but they didn't offer her an interview.

She wants my parents (divorced) to pay for it and stated will not be paying them back

If my mum pays for her she will not help my younger brother fo to university as she says she can only afford 1 child. My brother has never been to university before.

This weekend she came to visit and it ended up in a an awful situation. She demanded I support her. I said in all honesty I cannot support a 6 month whim that costs £100,000 that would but a huge pressure on my ageing parents whilst knowing my brother would get nothing. She was furious and screamed (upsetting my 4 year old dc)

What upsets me is my sisters attitude. I am in shock she would even ask such a thing in the first place.She has no problems if only she benefits, she says her education is that matters and her need is great. She expects the money- it is her right in her own words. She doesn't want to pay it back.

I said are you sure if this money is the only lump sum of money you many ever get is spending It on a course you picked 6 months ago what you really want? Her reply was she expected a large inheritance one day anyway.

She has no idea of the problems she is causing. My father may have to sell his home to fund this. She is fine with that

Last night (after much stress and heartache) my father decided her would help her pay half the fees and my mother would need to meet the rest.

She said that was not good enough and he could keep his big house!

I was furious and said all along this is what I have been saying- her attitude is appalling.

However.... my parents have actually agreed to pay despite this text this morning!

I think it appalling. They both said they gave in as they are scared of her temper. How are they ever going to teach to grow up? She does have serious temper issues I think she needs to work on as priority.

The money is awful but the main issue is her getting rewarded for her behaviour and sense of entitlement. It sickens me. She has been like this for a few years she gets whatever she wants through tantrums but to me this is the final straw.

Whilst they are doing out of good intentions I think they are irresponsible parents and I cannot sit by and bite my lip. How will my brother feel?

What should I do?
I am being unreasonable as all she wants to do is better herself?

Yes but Hecate that is all fine and good in theory but if the sister is being deceptive or manipulative do you really think the parents shouldn't be supported and that the sister should be allowed to get away with it? If it were a stranger or a friend rather than a daughter who was doing this would you stand back and let the parents hand over the cash regardless? They are vulnerable by virtue of their relationships with the OP's sister and she is potentially using that relationship against them.

Imagine how bad the OP would feel the parents were ripped off to the tune of £100k and she hadn't said anything.

It is an enormous balancing act, I do see that, between interfering with her adults parents' wishes and protecting them but that is where the OP is at the moment and I do think she needs to make sure that her parents are totally sure and clear about what exactly is happening. That is incrediably difficult if nobody is being open and honest.

do as they please with their money, that should be.

But Niecie - I am the one who first - out of all of you - out of everyone on this thread - raised the issue of financial abuse and the need to act if that is the case.

Cross post there!

I do remember your point about abuse and I don't think this is about fairness. I personally haven't mentioned the brother because he has to negotiate his university funding with his parents. Of course he can't do that if they have been ripped off by the sister but I think it is a bit of red herring in this conversation.

at Hecate!

I suppose the unspoken corollary to my statement that it's right to treat all siblings fairly in all respects is that it's appropriate to speak out against unfairness, as is the case here.

HecateQueenOfTheNight - I agree with you. :)

I recall getting into a debate on here with somebody saying how wrong primogeniture, I was trying to explain that my brother has worked on family farm since he was 16, and if he had to pay his sisters a third share of value of farm on inheritance, the farm would have to be sold. Parents prefer to leave farm to my brother, to keep it in the family for next generation. Our dad inherited the farm, over his brother (who went to university and parents helped him buy house etc). If Dad had to pay his brother out, the farm would have been sold years ago.

Sister and I have both grown up knowing that the farm goes to older brother, and it is fine. We also know parents would help us out if need be financially, and any money they have managed to squirrel away and not spend will eventually come to us.

In that case, I don't understand what your argument is. If (for the sake of argument) it was shown that the OP's sister is using mainpulation and emotional blackmail to get money out of their parents (and let's assume that they're not vulnerable pople, as there doesn't seem to be any evidence for that), then are you saying that the OP has to just sit back and say, 'Well it's their decision'. Surely it's not unreasonable for her to try and protect her parents from being taken advantage of?

Actually Hecate, several people said the sister was being abusive and manipulative including me, before your first post. You were the first one to use the term 'financially abusive (and to suggest calling SS which I thought was brave but a fair point and possibly necessary) but not the first to think that it wasn't a question of fairness.

Surely SS is irrelevant here anyway, as the fact that they have a teenage son must mean the parents are not vulnerable OAPs?

I think you need to tell your brother today what's happening. I then think you need to cut your abusive sister out your life, I wouldn't have anything to do with anyone who spoke to me like she has to you/treated my parents in such a way/was generally such a nasty cunt.

Be there for your parents, tell them that you think its a huge mistake, etc. But at the end of the day it is their money/their decision.

I did a second degree in my late 20s but wouldn't have dreamt of asking for fimancial help from my parents.

To answer your question, no, the BMAT exam is centrally set and everyone sits it on the same day, there is only one exam every year and it is normally in November. The point of it is to save you doing lots of different entrance tests to the universities you apply to, not every uni will need it but as you've linked to RVC, if she applied there she'd need it, same with Cambridge. You can check on the admissions requirements pages of the course websites.

And if she wants the £100,000 upfront be very wary, at every uni I've heard of you pay university fees annually or termly. I don't think it's even possible to pay upfront for the full degree.

I don't really know why I feel uncomfortable about it but I do. One of my friends is completing a BSc in Zoology this year and is starting Vet Medicine in September, and I know how long she spent preparing her application I suppose, it just seems weird to do it all in a rush.

I also think it's time you spoke to your brother.

haha Niecie

It's not so much a point, DTG, as my seeing several separate issues in the situation

possible financial abuse
the right of a person to determine how they spend their money. If someone chose to give all their money to one person - do they have that right? It's their money after all.
the emotions surrounding the idea of 'fairness'
expectations
is someone being taken advantage of if they are of sound mind and making a choice, albeit one you disagree with?
what makes a person vulnerable? Is age the only criteria?
could pressure be considered blackmail?
is the person afraid? Are they in danger?

You know, that sort of thing.

I am not seeing a picture, I am seeing a jigsaw puzzle, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, it's irrelevent. who cares what I think? I'm just sticking my two pence in like everyone else.

Bloody hell, really don't know what to say. Agree that parents' money is in theory theirs to do with what they want - be it on expensive handbags, gambling or diamonds, but if they are prepared to spend it on their children's education (well, one of their children's education) it does seem monstrously unfair - and potentially very very hurtful - if only one child, the one who screams, benefits - again and again. Assuming that your brother isn't some sort of horrid character himself (... depending on circs, I don't think parents - even well off ones, should automatically put kids through uni if the relationship is bad) how on earth will he feel if it turns out that he has to incur lots of personal debt because all disposable income has gone to a spoilt bitch (and far far more than most parents would give)? Potentially, his relationship with them may be seriously affected if he discovers they could have helped him, but didn't so this revolting screamer got her own way - again.

Of course, there's little you can do about this except appeal to their better nature and present all the pitfalls as best you can. I don't know how old your brother is, and whether therefore it'd be a good idea for him to get involved - and I fully appreciate that "scrapping" about money is undignified and to be avoided if at all possible ..... but would the parents be more likely to reconsider this if he bought up the topic of their possible financial help through Uni ? It might just prick their conscience, because I suspect that right now they're burying their heads in the sand as far as his education is concerned ?? (selling homes notwithstanding, which seems another bonkers idea, unless they actually want to downsize). However, I understand he might feel very uncomfortable about discussing this - even if you were there to support him. Maybe try typing up a list of pros and cons for them ..... seeing it in black and white might just help them to focus properly. The whole fees thing - how much and when it needs to be paid needs to be verified for a start, there's also the consideration of how likely it is that she'll actually last the course and/or be suited to being a vet. Perhaps you can also point out how vulnerable they could leave themselves if they need paid care in the future .... £50k each is a lot to throw away, and from all you've said I very much doubt that the demands will stop there. What about rent, bills, food, for 5 years ? Doesn't sound like this lazy entitled bitch intends getting off her arse any time soon to support herself.

Really feel for you ...... don't get the impression at all that you're worried about your inheritence, nonetheless, money aside it must effect how you regard your parents when you see them being so foolish/ridiculous/pathetic (depending on your POV) just because a single family member is throwing a huge great tantrum. Really wish I could come and slap the cow for you - when you read about selfish entitlement of this magnitude from a supposed adult the mind boggles.

Maybe try to get them to verbalise what, exactly, they're scared of if they say no ? What will she do ? ....... scream a bit, shriek, break some plates, sulk ? So what - would it really matter ? If she decides not to speak to them would that be worse than denying your brother the same opportunity she's had ? They need to front up to all of this instead of appeasing and enabling her. She seems to be emotionally blackmailing them (from their reaction) but I don't understand the hold she has over them ? Obviously, this is all easier said than done but the current situation sounds crazy and somehow I don't see it stopping if this is how she's always pandered to.

I can't get over the fact that your younger brother won't get to go to university at all because your sister will have basically taken his money

Your sister is on the way to becoming a sociopath - she has zero empathy for your brother and doesn't care that your father may lose his home in order to fulfill her craven demands, which are escalating. Your parents need to accept it and stop enabling her.

I suggest you tell your parents and your sister how you feel about this and then accept what they decide to do - you don't really have the power to do anything else imo.

Also - I understand your brother doesn't know he's about to lose the university funding he's expecting (since you and your sister had it?)

Time he found out, I'd argue. Telling him yourself would obviously be a huge turd hitting the fan - but perhaps it would concentrate your parents' minds if you insisted they told him what they were planning to do.

How are things going with you now OP. Does your brother know the situation?

Hope you are in a better place than you were on your last post. xx

Agree with FattyAcid, unfortunately it is your parents' decision.

PILs are always scrupulous at treating DH and his brother equally when it comes to finances, to the point where they took BIL and SIL out for a meal once and gave us the equivalent money . We've always told them it is unnecessary, but rather that extreme than this.

Did you manage your weekend together as a family Roseflower? I hope things are OK.

I think niecie's right, she doesn't want your parents to get on as she's been doing very nicely out of their guilt at splitting up.

Agree that asking them what they are so scared of if they say 'no' to her is a good idea. Ultimately yes, it's their money to give her if they wish, but there's a destructive situation here with unhealthy relationships so I think it's worth spelling that out to them. It won't actually do your sister any good to be pandered to in this way.

I think you need to be the grown up and ask your parents what they think will be the end result of them favouring the loudest and most demanding of their children, when this means that they are ONLY funding this daughters education, but not their sons.

Tell them they are treating their children unfairly, and that it really angers you. They are causing a rift in the family, if they agree to this.
They should grow a backbone and not be scared of her.