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Original poster

Im fed up of my spoilt sister- she has now demanded £100,000

181 replies

Roseflower · 26/04/2011 13:48

My sister is 26 years old.

My parents have fully funded 2 higher education courses to date.

6 months ago she decided she wanted to become a vet.
She got offered a place. However since it is a second degree it will cost £100,000 over five years for this particular university. There are others that charge £13,000 for five years but they didn't offer her an interview.

She wants my parents (divorced) to pay for it and stated will not be paying them back

If my mum pays for her she will not help my younger brother fo to university as she says she can only afford 1 child. My brother has never been to university before.

This weekend she came to visit and it ended up in a an awful situation. She demanded I support her. I said in all honesty I cannot support a 6 month whim that costs £100,000 that would but a huge pressure on my ageing parents whilst knowing my brother would get nothing. She was furious and screamed (upsetting my 4 year old dc)

What upsets me is my sisters attitude. I am in shock she would even ask such a thing in the first place.She has no problems if only she benefits, she says her education is that matters and her need is great. She expects the money- it is her right in her own words. She doesn't want to pay it back.

I said are you sure if this money is the only lump sum of money you many ever get is spending It on a course you picked 6 months ago what you really want? Her reply was she expected a large inheritance one day anyway.

She has no idea of the problems she is causing. My father may have to sell his home to fund this. She is fine with that

Last night (after much stress and heartache) my father decided her would help her pay half the fees and my mother would need to meet the rest.

She said that was not good enough and he could keep his big house!

I was furious and said all along this is what I have been saying- her attitude is appalling.

However.... my parents have actually agreed to pay despite this text this morning!

I think it appalling. They both said they gave in as they are scared of her temper. How are they ever going to teach to grow up? She does have serious temper issues I think she needs to work on as priority.

The money is awful but the main issue is her getting rewarded for her behaviour and sense of entitlement. It sickens me. She has been like this for a few years she gets whatever she wants through tantrums but to me this is the final straw.

Whilst they are doing out of good intentions I think they are irresponsible parents and I cannot sit by and bite my lip. How will my brother feel?

What should I do?
I am being unreasonable as all she wants to do is better herself?

OP posts:
GentleOtter · 26/04/2011 14:50

Tell her to get a job, grow up and get off your case.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 26/04/2011 14:51

I don't think it is possible to say it's the parents money to do with as they like. In this case there is a younger brother to factor in. How can it be possibly be fair that his parents fund his two older sisters through university and then be told, "sorry son, we can't afford for you to go as your sister wants to us to pay to go again?"
If they weren't able to fund him because they lost all their money, fairdos, but in this case they have the money but are choosing to give it to another sibling who has already had massive handouts from them!
Especially as it is a career that she is patently unsuitable for!

naturalbaby · 26/04/2011 14:53

i can't see how she would qualify as a vet with the mentality the op has hinted at. wants to be a vet but refusing to work in a zoo?!? i would love to work in a zoo - have been looking for a career change when my babies are all in school/nursery!

AMumInScotland · 26/04/2011 14:54

I doubt she'll stick out a 5 year course anyway from the sound of her, so I don't think there's much risk of her actually becoming a vet.....

If your parents are now getting on reasonably well, would you feel able to talk to them (separately first if you think it would be safer) about how you understand why they felt they needed to do what they could to make her happy when she was younger, given that things were difficult (gloss over that as much as you feel necessary....). But that now she's older it would be better for her in the long-term if they could find the strength to stand up to her tantrumming, because she really needs to start understanding that it can't all be about her. Stress that it's in her interests to learn to be more independent, if you think that will convince them more than what they or you or your brother deserve.

And point out that you all need to present a united front in order to help her to grow and develop and become an independent adult, etc, etc, etc

Original poster
Roseflower · 26/04/2011 14:55

Its awful. Family has already started recover from one huge rift and she comes along with another.

I dont see what my parents can expect to happen? We all sit around playing happy family after this knowing what she has done and that they enabled it? How will my brother feel? Forever resentful to all.

Its so short sighted. It could cause such huge life-long divides.

What happens if she quits or gets asked to leave? How she even know she wants to be on such an expensive and stressful course after just 6 months.

Plain insanity.

OP posts:
TracyK · 26/04/2011 15:00

Why not give your parents an ultimatum.
'Give her the money and I will lose ALL respect I ever had for you!!'

Don't pussy foot around 'trying' to put your pov over.

Have a tantrum - just like your sister - seems the only thing to work for them!

naturalbaby · 26/04/2011 15:01

she hasn't been accepted yet has she? fingers crossed the interviewers will see that 5yrs studying to be a vet isn't right for her.
it doesn't sound like your parents are going to change their ways then if they admit it's wrong but are going along with it anyway. it's sadder to wonder who will be supporting them when they need it. i know plenty of people who just don't see it like that though, living for the here and now and not planning ahead well enough. (says me with no pension to my name!)

flowery · 26/04/2011 15:06

She sounds bonkers but is behaving like this for only one reason - because it works. Much like a toddler.

bemybebe · 26/04/2011 15:06

no words just Shock

naturalbaby · 26/04/2011 15:09

if the parents agree that this is madness and unfair then go over it again with them, discuss your brother's higher education and how it doesn't seem like 5yrs studying to be a vet is the right route for your sister to be taking. get them to see an independent financial advisor before they see your sister again and see if you can persuade them the invest the money somehow so they are unable to simply hand over the tuition fees. they can then say there is nothing they can do about it, they thought they had the money but they can't get hold of what she needs, when she needs it.

Original poster
Roseflower · 26/04/2011 15:12

'Give her the money and I will lose ALL respect I ever had for you!!'

I very nearly thought about this. Then I wondered I am just being as bad as her or manipulating them. It could come across as roseflower little sisters life by forcing her parents to choose?

Naturalbaby she has already got a place offered.

Thinking about it if the uni can only get £13k for a student who has never done a degree or £100k for one who got a degree has I guess money wins?

OP posts:
bemybebe · 26/04/2011 15:24

Any respectable university would not be having "money wins" mentality if they have a reputation to maintain.

No advice for your sister. I can only sympathize with you and your parents. I had a similar request demand from a BIL (a bit more than 100K), but I discovered I can actually say "fuck off" in ones face (he wanted me to pay off his mortgage, because I actually "do not need the money that much").

Original poster
Roseflower · 26/04/2011 15:27

bemybebe well maybe I am being unfair and she won the place of her own merit.

The cheek of your BIL!

OP posts:
OnesDigitusPrimusMagicalis · 26/04/2011 15:33

Jeez. Selfish bitch. And insane parents. Your poor brother! :(
Sadly, there is fuck all you can do about it, apart from watch it all go horribly horribly wrong...

HattiFattner · 26/04/2011 15:38

Maybe they should compromise and agree to help her with the loan repayments on completion of her degree? That way she has a safety net, but the ultimate responsibility for completing the degree is with her. They can also attach strings - if she drops out, the loan is hers alone and they will not cover it.

Bearing in mind that she will not have to repay the loan until her income reaches a certain amount - i believe this is how it works now?

They can also then afford to send your brother, otherwise they risk destoying his life choices over this.

oohlaalaa · 26/04/2011 15:56

Has she done work experience in a vets? Before my sister went off to uni to study veterinary science, she worked in a vets every Saturday for final year of A levels, helping out feeding animals and cleaning kennels etc.

My sister got four A's did a huge amount of work experience, lambing jobs etc., and did a five year course, which included working at an abatoir.

We are also both farmers daughters, so she was already used to handling farm animals.

My sister loves her job, but some of the story's she tells me, such as doing a calving where the calve has come out piece by piece, it's not for the faint hearted.

I hope she has properly researched it. My parents did help my sister financially, as they paid the tuition fees and accommodation, with my sister funding her other living costs. I'm not so clever and did a three year degree at a local uni. I never begrudged it though. I think my parents helped her to the tune of 20k rather than 100k. Also, if I'd been as clever and wanted to be a vet, I know they'd have done the same for me.

I personally think your parents should insist, that before they make any contribution, she works in an abatoir for a week, along with dog kennels, livestock farm, and ofcourse a veterinary practice.

FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 15:59

Your thread made me feel sick, how fucking utterly disgusting, what a nasty peice of work.

She already has two fucking degrees tell her to get off her lazy arse and earn the fucking money.

Your parents need their heads testing.

Original poster
Roseflower · 26/04/2011 16:05

To be fair she does have expereince of working with animals- but marine life only which is why it seemed a bit out of the blue. She never had any interest before.

She has worked p/t as a vets receptionist for 6 months. I asked her if she could cope with the less rosey side of it being a vet.

Apparently the vet let her tell some owners their pet had cancer and she could cope.

I was a bit surprised as I would be annoyed if my doctor let the receptionist tell me I had a serious illness but I don't know who these things worked.

I also asked if she considered she might need to give up socialising as much, what happens if she wants children in next five years etc but she just got aggressive.

OP posts:
OnesDigitusPrimusMagicalis · 26/04/2011 16:08

HAttifattner - I don't know where you think she'll be getting the loan from, it doesn't sound like she has any security for a private loan and I wouldn't have thought the student loan companies would put up what is effectively overseas student costs for yet another degree? Not sure though.But since she has already stated that she doesn't want to be paying any of it back (i.e. it's not really a loan, is it) then she won't want to be going through anyone who expects the money back at some point.

I am pretty amazed that any University in the UK has a degree that costs that much, tbh. Even for vet science. Although if it is a 5 year degree, maybe... and I suppose that what cost £40k 15 years ago might cost around £100k now (I know someone who did a degree in Medicine as a second degree so had to fund it completely herself)

Original poster
Roseflower · 26/04/2011 16:17

My sister refuses to get a loan as she doesn't think it fair she has the debt.

She did this on her first degree too, walked away debt free.

DH and thought she was trying it on with the cost but it turns out its true (for SOME uni's; there are others that charge 'normal' fees hence my argument for waiting to get onto a cheaper course)

OP posts:
paddypoopants · 26/04/2011 16:19

Your poor family. Your sister sounds quite mad IMO. I know all about siblings who like to throw tantrums and have parents who wouldn't say no to them but this is shocking. There's not much you can do to reason with her I suspect. However if I were you I would sit your parents down either separately or together and make it plain that it is their money and they can do what they like with it but by indulging your sister like this it is likely to cause a serious rift in the family; that blatant favouritism will cause all sorts of problems and you and your brother will end up resenting them. The fact that your brother might not get help to go to Uni because of this is appalling. Good luck.

oohlaalaa · 26/04/2011 16:21

I know someone who did a degree in animal science, and then did another degree in veterinary science. She said paying the standard tuition fees was not an option, with it being a second degree, and they had to pay the full costs with no government help. I suspect it will still be 100k in a years time?

This persons parents are very rich, and were able to help out, without any hardship.

By less rosy aspects, I was thinking of giving a horse a cesearean, and there being complications, and horse dies on you, or putting a dog down. Although no doubt telling someone their pet has cancer, would be difficult too.

OnesDigitusPrimusMagicalis · 26/04/2011 16:22

Has your sister actually done a single stroke of paid work after her first degree, Roseflower? I mean, what has she been doing with herself? (sorry of you've already answered this, btw)

Northernlurker · 26/04/2011 16:23

This is beyond awful. Basically she is threatening your parents in order to extract cash from them? Are there any other family members you could discuss this with? Do either of your parents have siblings? If so I would be getting them involved to tell your parents to get a grip and just say no. If she becomes aggressive and/or physically abusive call the police. Her behaviour is abusive - if a woman posted on here saying her husband was frightening her in to giving him £100000 she doesn't have - what would we say to them?

OnesDigitusPrimusMagicalis · 26/04/2011 16:23

oohlaalaa - I think (and sorry to say this Roseflower) that this woman has so little feeling for other people that it's unlikely she'd understand how painful it could be for some pet owners to hear that their pet has cancer, so it might not affect her at all!
But I realise I am projecting...