Im fed up of my spoilt sister- she has now demanded £100,000

[Roseflower]

My sister is 26 years old.

My parents have fully funded 2 higher education courses to date.

6 months ago she decided she wanted to become a vet.
She got offered a place. However since it is a second degree it will cost £100,000 over five years for this particular university. There are others that charge £13,000 for five years but they didn't offer her an interview.

She wants my parents (divorced) to pay for it and stated will not be paying them back

If my mum pays for her she will not help my younger brother fo to university as she says she can only afford 1 child. My brother has never been to university before.

This weekend she came to visit and it ended up in a an awful situation. She demanded I support her. I said in all honesty I cannot support a 6 month whim that costs £100,000 that would but a huge pressure on my ageing parents whilst knowing my brother would get nothing. She was furious and screamed (upsetting my 4 year old dc)

What upsets me is my sisters attitude. I am in shock she would even ask such a thing in the first place.She has no problems if only she benefits, she says her education is that matters and her need is great. She expects the money- it is her right in her own words. She doesn't want to pay it back.

I said are you sure if this money is the only lump sum of money you many ever get is spending It on a course you picked 6 months ago what you really want? Her reply was she expected a large inheritance one day anyway.

She has no idea of the problems she is causing. My father may have to sell his home to fund this. She is fine with that

Last night (after much stress and heartache) my father decided her would help her pay half the fees and my mother would need to meet the rest.

She said that was not good enough and he could keep his big house!

I was furious and said all along this is what I have been saying- her attitude is appalling.

However.... my parents have actually agreed to pay despite this text this morning!

I think it appalling. They both said they gave in as they are scared of her temper. How are they ever going to teach to grow up? She does have serious temper issues I think she needs to work on as priority.

The money is awful but the main issue is her getting rewarded for her behaviour and sense of entitlement. It sickens me. She has been like this for a few years she gets whatever she wants through tantrums but to me this is the final straw.

Whilst they are doing out of good intentions I think they are irresponsible parents and I cannot sit by and bite my lip. How will my brother feel?

What should I do?
I am being unreasonable as all she wants to do is better herself?

She'll be a shite vet

I disagree from what i've seen of many vets/suregons/dentists she'll fit right in.

Is this course in the UK because it doesn't add up at all, she'd have needed to apply before the 15th October 2010.

I do think she has a place, however it worked. If not what what it a acheive at all to lie?

In that case she acted on her whim almost immediately (i.e. decided she wanted to be a vet and then applied for the course straight away). Possible of course.

But as a minimum that means she's been plotting to steal your brother's future for at least 6 months. Still unforgiveable.

What does it achieve to lie?

Well, you would have to think your sister was a complete nuttter and/or criminal but she could be after the money and is just saying she has a place on a course. Does she expect your parents to pay the money to her or to the university? If they are paying it to her so she can pay it to the university, then once she has the money she can do what she likes with it. I would have thought that was criminal act - obtaining money by deception. However that is a reason to lie, albeit a totally unpalatable one.

It is sounding fishy if she has got a place outside of the normal application process and your sister sounds like a nightmare but is she a criminal too? I wouldn't like to say - something weird is going on for sure.

Well this is where it doesn't add up because the people I've known get places for veternary have already done 12-18 months of animal management type work experience or care homes or volunteering in a hospital, these days grades at A* just aren't enough.
It's a big ask to pull that lot off in the few weeks she'd have to prepare before October, people spend the whole of lower 6th form preparing their personal statements etc.
I bet she's in Rio this time next year not up to her eyes in cow shit.

Ishani - the OPs sister already has a first class honours degree in zoology, so that may have helped her application to join a postgraduate vet course.

I told her by text earlier that I was not happy with her behaviour and what she puts the family through- especially as my beautiful 4 year old keeps asking why aunty was screaming at mummy at the weekend.Bless last night she offered to call her to say she had to be kind! My baby!

My sister replied I shoud stop seeing myself as a victim and kindly suggested councilling for me if I was that unhappy.

She then lectured me on how we are all grown ups now.

I think your sister could well be a narcissist. Your parents are certainly not helping at all by enabling her as they have and are still doing by feeding such a monsterous ego. What is in this for your parents I wonder?.

What are they getting out of such a relationship with your sister?. There must be something or are they truly afraid of her and give her what she wants out of self preservation and want of a quiet life?.

I'm still interested to know what your brother makes of all this. Does he know about it yet?

I havent spoken to my brother. I am trying to persuade them to put him first before he finds out.

What is in this for your parents I wonder?.

Getting to tell the neighbors their daughter is a vet ? Do they feel the need to make it up to her because of the divorce perhaps who knows what goes on in peoples heads.

She's not that much of a grown up if she's leeching off her parents!

However. The money is not hers. But nor is it yours or your brother's. It is your parents'. So if you want to protect them from financial abuse - do so. Contact social services and say that there is the possible financial abuse of an older person. Ask for their advice.

If you want to ensure that everyone gets their fair share - I personally think that's just as wrong. You don't get a fair share of someone else's money. Every penny your parents have - right now - belongs to them and is theirs to do with as they wish. You can't say that your sister has had enough and either you or your brother should get some too. You don't get to do that with the money of a living person!

But, like I say, if you want to protect your parents from financial abuse, report it.

They will probably investigate and say there's nothing they can do, the person is not vulnerable and is making their own choice. But at least you tried.

Sorry to hear that you've find yourself in such an awful situation, Rosewater.

I think that what you need to recognise from the off is that for your sister to be behaving this way there must be deep underlying psychological issues at play. What that means is that attempts to reason with her or appeal to her better nature are going to fall on deaf ears, because by the sounds of things she is incapable of seeing what she is doing as being wrong.

My guess is that the only thing that will work is for your family to be put up a united front against her unreasonable demands, but by the sounds of things that's going to be difficult as she seems to have learned to quite effectively play you off against each other.

Is there a way you could get them all toegther without you sister being present, in order to try and work on getting your parents to see how unreasonable she is being and work on getting them to show a united front? Otherwise, I suspect her manipulation and demands are only going to get worse over time.

Oops, sorry, should be Roseflower, not Rosewater. Apologies OP.

Does your brother want to go to university? He might not be as distressed by this as you are.

I really understand not wanting to involve him if you don't need to, but I can't see how you can avoid it. He too needs to fight his corner with your parents if he wants to.

(FWIW, and very unusually, I don't agree with Hecate. I do think that it's only right to treat all DCs fairly in all respects, including financial contribution to education.)

I dont know what to do. But I am considering showing them all this thread?

Unless your parents are very elderly / unable to make financial decisions - & it doesn't sound like this is the case as they have a ? teenage son - then I think you should let them decide how to deal with their children and how to spend their money.

Sorry to see you're no closer to resolution. I think someone needs to tell your brother sooner rather than later, as it will be him who is most affected.

I disagree with LadyLapsang. If your parents are considering putting themselves in financial hardship and negatively affecting your brother's future to this extent then it seems like their financial judgement is certainly impaired.

I was going to suggest you show your parents this thread actually. I wouldn't bother with your sister. She won't see how bad she looks, no matter how many people agree with you. She is bound to say that you have got it all wrong and you have totally misrepresented what she said.

Your parents though, are possibly being manipulated and pressurised into doing they don't want to do because they think it is the best thing to do. Many of us would dispute that. They might not be able to see what is staring the rest of us in the face - that your sister's behaviour is not normal.

You would have to name change afterwards though - showing your parents will have implications for your use of MN.

Ladylapsang - on a day to day basis I would totally agree with you but the OP's parents are being potentially bullied and manipulated by an adult child who really should know better. Worst case scenario the sister is doing something illegal by pressurising them for money. Would you really stand back and say that it is none of your business if your parents were being treated the same way? I would like to think that I would stick up for my parents if my brother did something similar to them.

Is it possible that your sister wants this money for something else, that there are no fees to be paid and she will be asking for a cheque for £100,000 up front so that "she can pay the university directly" ?

Is she a liar, generally? You must have a good idea as to how broadly truthful she is, as her sister. Could she be planning to try to set up as a vet without training or something?

If it IS all true - I don't know how courses are funded these days and how much you have to pay up front, if so my first thought on reading the OP is that she sounds so unhinged and genuinely appalling that she'll never make it through the first year and your parents won't have to shell out more than £20k.

I would not be showing your parents this particular thread as they have enabled your sister in the past and likely do not think they are doing anything wrong (or even perhaps think they are treating her more favourably compared to you and your brother). They are also a part of this overall dysfunction.

I am still wondering what is in this for your parents with regards to their relationship with your sister. If your sister is indeed narcissistic in terms of personality they are truly on a hiding to nothing.

cinnabar.

I know, I know. I have a most unpopular view on people's money.

It's theirs.

Nobody ever agrees with me.

Fair or not, it's theirs to do with as they please. There is no entitlement to someone else's money as long as they're alive.

While it is nice and it is fair to treat all children equally, there's no right to it and should be no demands or expectations or tantrums.

There's a difference between the emotions involved and the ownership of the money and who has what right to it.

Hecate, I think you're being completely unfair to the OP. This thread is not about any quibbling over a 'fair share', it's about the OP being afraid of her parents being placed in financial harship and her brother missing a chance of a university education due to her sister's unreasonable demands and manipulation.

I'm not a fan of internet diagnoses, but for what it's worth the sister shows signs of being a psycopath/narcissist. OP you might want to read up on these personailty disorders to give you an idea of what you may be up against.

Yes. I am the one who raised the issue of financial abuse, if you look back. If the parents are being financially abused, I suggested the OP act. I said if they were not being financially abused, then it is their choice how they spend their money.

Many people on the thread have spoken about fairness. It's just my view on the difference between the emotion of fairness and the reality of someone's right to do as they please.

But if you look back, the first thing I did was raise the issue of financial abuse of a vulnerable person, and the obligation to act if that is the case.

The issue of fairness arose later, after discussion of the brother's 'share' and university etc.