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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Im fed up of my spoilt sister- she has now demanded £100,000

181 replies

Roseflower · 26/04/2011 13:48

My sister is 26 years old.

My parents have fully funded 2 higher education courses to date.

6 months ago she decided she wanted to become a vet.
She got offered a place. However since it is a second degree it will cost £100,000 over five years for this particular university. There are others that charge £13,000 for five years but they didn't offer her an interview.

She wants my parents (divorced) to pay for it and stated will not be paying them back

If my mum pays for her she will not help my younger brother fo to university as she says she can only afford 1 child. My brother has never been to university before.

This weekend she came to visit and it ended up in a an awful situation. She demanded I support her. I said in all honesty I cannot support a 6 month whim that costs £100,000 that would but a huge pressure on my ageing parents whilst knowing my brother would get nothing. She was furious and screamed (upsetting my 4 year old dc)

What upsets me is my sisters attitude. I am in shock she would even ask such a thing in the first place.She has no problems if only she benefits, she says her education is that matters and her need is great. She expects the money- it is her right in her own words. She doesn't want to pay it back.

I said are you sure if this money is the only lump sum of money you many ever get is spending It on a course you picked 6 months ago what you really want? Her reply was she expected a large inheritance one day anyway.

She has no idea of the problems she is causing. My father may have to sell his home to fund this. She is fine with that

Last night (after much stress and heartache) my father decided her would help her pay half the fees and my mother would need to meet the rest.

She said that was not good enough and he could keep his big house!

I was furious and said all along this is what I have been saying- her attitude is appalling.

However.... my parents have actually agreed to pay despite this text this morning!

I think it appalling. They both said they gave in as they are scared of her temper. How are they ever going to teach to grow up? She does have serious temper issues I think she needs to work on as priority.

The money is awful but the main issue is her getting rewarded for her behaviour and sense of entitlement. It sickens me. She has been like this for a few years she gets whatever she wants through tantrums but to me this is the final straw.

Whilst they are doing out of good intentions I think they are irresponsible parents and I cannot sit by and bite my lip. How will my brother feel?

What should I do?
I am being unreasonable as all she wants to do is better herself?

OP posts:

Original poster

Roseflower · 26/04/2011 16:27

After graduating she got a p/t job in an aquariam and then left to work in the vets as p/t receptionist 6 months ago.

OP posts:

Original poster

Roseflower · 26/04/2011 16:31

I have spoken to my grandfather who thinks she a is the most selfish grandchild he has and whats wrong with hard graft? He thinks its ridiculous. My dad wont even listen to him though he knows he is right.

OP posts:

oohlaalaa · 26/04/2011 16:32

I'm surprised someone as clever to qualify for veterinary college (places are very hard to get), would not have some high flying job after graduating.

OnesDigitusPrimusMagicalis · 26/04/2011 16:34

sorry, I am as dim as a dim thing! She is obviously working at the vets' [doh].
Can you tell us what her first degree was in? And why she can't get a job using that? Or was it marine biology and she's already tried it and doesn't like it?

I like your grandfather, btw.[bugrin]

Northernlurker · 26/04/2011 16:34

What about friends of your parents? You need to get everybody you possibly can to chorus 'NO' to them - then they may get some backbone.

Miggsie · 26/04/2011 16:41

Your sister is a bully, and your parents are her victims. Unless they can understand that they are being ruled by her, to the point of disadvantaging their other children there is no hope. They are certainly doing her no favours, and if, in old age, they need any help, your sister will not supply it. Unfortunately they are probably so far into her thrall they may never realise this, much less escape. But essentially they are being emotionally blackmailed.

I would also suggest your sister has some form of personality disorder and it may be worth seeking advice from a therapist/psychologist of some kind on how to deal with her. She seems to be stuck at three years old and your parents seem powerless to assert themselves. If you and your brother banded together and asked them why they are doing this? I would also put money on her not completing the course, as she clearly cannot stick at anything and she knows she will always be bailed out, so she's never had to try.

Original poster

Roseflower · 26/04/2011 16:42

It think it was zoology. She did do well ast got 1st. Her plan was to work in animal conservation but she says there is no money in it so she just fell into this aquariam job. I admit my intrest in animals in zero so I might have missed the finer points.

I can see she is a bit lost of what to do with her life, and seems hard to find interesting jobs with animals above minimum wage must be very hard, but I think her attitude of entitlment and what she is asking for does not excuse this.

OP posts:

Niecie · 26/04/2011 16:43

She sounds trully appalling!! If my brother behaved like that I would be furious. I can understand what you say about sounding like the bad guy though. It can sound like you are only after the money yourself and you don't want your father selling his house and potentially taking your share of the inheritance. I am sure that is not what you are thinking but getting them to reword their wills so it is clearly stated she has already taken some of her share makes you sound as bad as her which of course you are not!!! You are in a very difficult situation.

I have been wondering, after you said that your parents are getting along much better and that your sister's behaviour only started when they split up, whether she is behaving like this because she doesn't want them to get on better. Up until now they have felt guilty about her and she has been able to play one off against the other to make sure that she has got what she wanted (the other courses). Now they are getting on better she stands to lose her power to manipulate. Your parents might get together and pull the plug on her handouts. By having an almighty tantrum now she might be hoping to sabotage the family weekend you are having so that she can continue to get what she wants. The only thing you can do is not to let her do that - make sure that your parents are united on this if you can. Not easy I know but they stand a better chance of saying no if they do it together rather than separately and you might stand a better chance of getting them to stop this madness.

I do wish you luck though - a horrible situation. You must be livid.

Original poster

Roseflower · 26/04/2011 16:48

Good grief Niecie I never even thought about it that way. Scarey...

Whats really also worrying me as ever since she was at my house on Saturday and phoned my mum of her mobile (but wondered off so I dont know what was said) I cannot get hold of mum at all. She is ignoring my messages.

Trying not to get paranoid, but I am wondering if my sister has said something to my mum as well to twist something as it seems very odd...

OP posts:

Niecie · 26/04/2011 17:04

Oh sorry! Didn't mean to scare you!

Can you go and visit your mother - is she local? Difficult to avoid you if you are on the doorstep.

ENormaSnob · 26/04/2011 17:07

Your sister is a prick.

A selfish, manipulative one.

MadamDeathstare · 26/04/2011 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontGoCurly · 26/04/2011 17:49

That remark saying her life would be over if she had to work in a bar/zoo made me think. Could it be that she is hinting and suggesting that she might take her own life if she is thwarted?

Emotionally blackmailing them but without words....just putting the fear into them.

Your parents are guilty enough and she sounds like it wouldn't bother her to manipulate them by insinuating that she might lose it and do something stupid...well you can see how the parents would be frightened into trying to keep her calm.

She sounds an absolute drama Queen and obviously has some hold over your Parents. Something that neither she nor them are sharing with you. They are giving you 'lip-service' in agreeing with you but their actions show clearly that they are under her influence in some way. They would well be driven by fear.

Especially since she is so unstable, aggressive and her mood swings are all over the place.

GrimmaTheNome · 26/04/2011 18:01

She sounds completely unsuited to becoming a vet. For one thing, don't they usually run as partnerships which require financial responsibility? How the heck would that work out? Would any of us want our animals treated by a woman prone to throwing tantrums?

If your parents have funds to support one more degree, of course it should go to your brother, not yet another for your sister.

garlicbutter · 26/04/2011 18:19

Roseflower, I apologise for having only read your OP and hope someone has already mentioned NPD. Your sister is clearly bonkers. Whether your P&M can bring themselves to accept that is another matter, but have a go at persuading them. Remember you are not dealing with a sane, rational person here. For your own sanity, try to detach emotionally from her shenanigans and develop a strategy for 'managing' her when you have to meet.

schroedingersdodo · 26/04/2011 20:27

Does your sister show any empathy in other situations? I'm a bit intrigued by her telling people their pets have cancer... It is a crazy theory but maybe your parents think she could become dangerous towards any of you, so they prefer to cave in as a way to protect the other siblings?

schroedingersdodo · 26/04/2011 20:27

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 26/04/2011 20:32

Have you considered contacting social services and saying that your parents are at risk from your sister, who is financially abusing them?

drastic, but ss presence may stop her behaviour?

Thing is - there is no such thing as inheritance while the people who have the money are alive. 'inheritance' before they are dead is called Their Money! Yet so often, offspring talk of "my inheritance", act like they have dibs on their parents money. Bloody awful attitude.

However, if your parents are choosing to throw their money at her every time she tantrums - that's their choice. It's their money.

The only thing to think about is are they being threatened, cooerced or abused. If so, then act.

caramelwaffle · 26/04/2011 20:44

If your father is forced to sell his house to fund this - where will he live?

LIZS · 26/04/2011 20:51

imho it is your parents to whom you should direct your frustration. Your sister has become conditioned to make such demands and have them met due to their past acquiescence. However it is their money and neither you , nor your brother, can force their hand otherwise.

piprabbit · 26/04/2011 20:59

Hecate's point about financial abuse is a good point.
In 2008 Help the Aged defined one aspect of financial abuse as "exerting undue influence to give away assets or gifts;" sounds like your sister to me.

naturalbaby · 26/04/2011 21:19

as much as other people can see the sister for what she is, she can't and won't change unless she sees it herself and gets help will she? if the parents cannot stand up to her then they are just letting her behaviour continue, getting worse untill the parents have nothing left. then who will she turn to - her brother and sister?

there must be some service or organisation who can help vulnerable people like these parents. financial abuse and emotional blackmail - the parents could really do with some help and support to deal with it properly.

Original poster

Roseflower · 26/04/2011 21:42

Thank you for all the responses. Sorry been away- been on phone to mum all afternoon. Turned out my sister was on the phone at my house at the weekend after all telling my mother lies and twisting truths about things me and my father said to the extent my mother refused to talk to either of us.

So had all that deal with.

I am drained and utterly exhausted. I feel lost.

OP posts:

Tolalola · 26/04/2011 21:54

This is appalling! Can't get over your sister's dreadfulness, or your parent's weakness, I'm afraid.

It's all so desperately, desperately unfair for your poor brother, but unless you and the rest of your family can persuade your parents to change their minds, there's really nothing at all you can do. Can you all (you, your brother, your grandfather any other sane sympathetic family members) get together and go and see your parents en masse and try to reason with them?

Katisha · 26/04/2011 22:01

So I hope your mother realises who is telling the truth and who isn't now?

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