Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Hiya, sorry to hear about the latest info re finances etc. What a mess he is. Idiot. Apart from anything else, What has he been playing at talking about private school when his finances are not sorted? How unfair to dd.

I may get flamed for saying this, and sorry if it upsets you, but if your health is ok(ish) think it would be sensible to go back to work. Your manager may be fine now, but having a lot of sick leave can be a problem at work, eg if you want to move jobs internally, and (heaven forbid) something else could happen (eg ill health) later and you might need the sick leave and further goodwill. Being off for an extended period could also get you labelled as someone who can't cop(shouldn't be that way, but it can be).

This stuff with ex-h could drag on and being back might help provide distraction and structure. Work will be v important looking forward if you want to be ok financially (after sorting out the divorce finances of course).

Think you mentioned that you work at the same place, not sure though. Even so......And isn't he off work himself?

Up at 5am with the baby, is so hot, like summer. Sorry if this is harsh.

I think the therapists comment overstepped the mark. Who is to measure what is quick and not quick? By what bar? All people are different. Some women are happy to let their husbands have numerous affairs for thirty years. Other women never even marry men because they don't want to. If you've filed the divorce papers, clearly you have decided that you have been humiliated enough.
I find your therapist's comment very strange indeed.

I'm not familiar with your work situation, but I seem to remember that you are involed with people one-to-one so it may be that trying to forge ahead professionally while you are dealing with some of the most difficult days in your life may not be appropriate.

I know the whole sick leave thing and not giving into him are compelling arguments but if you have spoken to your GP and manager and they both feel you need the time, then step back and use the time to start to move your own feelings forward.

Be careful not to let yourself disappear into a vortex of over thinking everything. Make the most of the time to rest, but think about doing some things for yourself that you haven't thought of doing before. Something as simple as some pampering.

I do agree with the OPs who say that some of the 'shit and fan stuff' will not necessarily be packaged into a short time frame. When you feel able to return to work, think about going back gradually so you can feel your way back into a normal routine. Remember that although you may feel that a lot of people at work will be aware of what is going on and your Ex is wll known, people will soon move on to someone else's woes.

Indeed, most families have loads of difficult things going on and you will find that a lot of people are very sympathetic. Things which have happened in my family have made me realise that none of us knows what is round the corner. Nor is it wise to judge - you only know a tiny part of the whole story.

Everything will be alright and you will come out of this with a different view of the world and of people. What your feelings will be towards your Ex in the long run will depend on how he deals with everything over the next few weeks. You'll soon know in your heart what kind of relationship you want with him in the future. For now, just get through the next day.

Hello all, especially those up at the crack of dawn.

We work for the same public sector organisation but not in the same geographical area now (although we are both known because have been around for a long time).
So i'm unlikely to come face to face in meetings etc but many people know us both.

My GP has requested that my leave is considered as compassionate in order to avoid a sick record. But I've been off because all of my work as a therapist is directly with couples and families where divorce for whatever reasons is a factor in the problems they are facing now. If I didn't do the job I do, it would have been easier, better probably, to have returned before. I take your point about appearing weak though.

But I know that I wouldn't have achieved anything like the progress that I have if I'd have been working and trying to deal with sorting finances, DD and all of that. I'd have been very stressed on top of it all. I think it's because I am using this time to take care of these things that I haven't fallen apart. Actually in the time i've been off i have applied for another (better) job which would give me and DD more financial security and takes me in a different direction with a service in which neither of us is known. I know all the advice in these situations is not to make big changes too soon, but WTF, I don't see that i have much choice as a lone parent. Will let you know if an interview is in the offing.

But I am able to think about returning now and I think that it could be a useful distraction and there's loads of support for that for me. I am beginning to feel a bit stir crazy and this tells me that there is a space in my head to start thinking about other things in my life.

STBXH is also off work until next week I hear and has been for the same length of time (although between you and me, he told me that he was actually working for his other job in this time, so he is on extremely dodgy ground if his boss found this out!). .

As for the therapists comments, well I know from my experience that they don't always get it right, and getting it wrong can be just as useful in the end!!

Please don't apologise for being straight with me. If I wanted anything but this I wouldn't come to MN! You say what I am also thinking and it makes me bring some of these thoughts to the forefront of my mind so that I can't avoid them. That is so helpful to me. So thank you.

x

Everything will be alright won't it. I mean, I'll come out of this with my dignity intact and at some point i'll be able to square up to him and look him straight in the eye and there'll be nothing.

yes, it will [busmile] but its going to take time. I can remember friends telling me it would take about 3 years. That made me very deflated as I knew I couldn't keep up trying to be ok for 3 years!!!

However, they were about right. Over the years, I found the normal times got longer and the depressing moments got shorter until thhey had disappeared altogether.

You will be ok, but make the effort to look after youself.

Good luck with the job!! Sounds like a positive move to me...new directions are good.

Ah, can see that it would be v hard to be helping other couples while going through problems yourself. Not ideal eh.

Applying for a new job sounds like a good thing, whatever the outcome of the application.

Often at work there is special leave with or without pay (often at discretion of the manager) for unexpected situations, so if you have a supportive manager it could be recorded as special leave with pay, or indeed not recorded at all! Although some managers might insist on it being recorded as sick leave.

Have a good Easter long weekend!

Alldownhill your post crossed over with mine, so thank you.

My clinical supervisor told me that if I were to try and return to work before we agreed this, she would have told my manager not to allow me to. This is about the code of conduct that i sign up to as part of my role. So it's as much about ensuring my clients get a consistent service as it is about me. And my return will be gradual as you suggest.

Thankfully in my work there is less stigma about sick leave than maybe in other areas, of course people make judgments nonetheless and i can't do anything about that. But I know that I am respected and liked in my team and we all do very demanding jobs - i wouldn't want for colleagues to be trying to prop me up whilst also doing their work (and as you say, we only ever see a fraction of people's lives in our daily grind so i have no doubt i'm not the only one trying to cope with difficult stuff).

The bit about disappearing into a vortex of thinking. That's not so easy right now, but I am more aware that in RL I am trying to have conversations with people about 'normal' stuff. I'll be pleased when the last thing on my mind at night and first thing in the morning isn't about something H said or did. That will be a major achievement for me.

And I don't leave the house without make-up and perfume and all that stuff which makes me feel better!

I'm not aware of your back story but just wanted to say well done and keep your chin up. There will be a day, not too far in the future, when this man's antics will cause you nothing more than a slightly contemptuous amusement.

Hi, sorry, I'd forgotten what you did for a job (I did know you were a therapist -duh), so yes, probably best not to have rushed back - your clients might have ended up drying your tears!! Not so professional

In light of what you do and the fact that he's still off too (and in a geographically different place!) - I retract my 'weak' comment I just didn't like the fact that (in my mind!!) you were the one at home while he was strutting around the place ... the big man was fine, the little woman was far too upset so was at home recovering... but that's all wrong, so just ignore me x

I hope you get the new job - it would be good to have a change and something different to think about.

It does take a long time to get fully over it - but that doesn't mean it's like 'this' for all of that time. It is lovely when you wake up, have a shower, think about the day and then it dawns on you that you haven't thought about him/it... :) I'd like to be able to fast forward you to that stage at least!

Makeup? Makeup? LOL I can't remember the last time I wore any but it's good that you are if that's what you always do... however, there's a lot to be said to being happy in your own skin without the warpaint.

I hope you have a nice day - it's really hot here already, beautiful sunny day and I'm going to be spending it pollyfillering holes & sanding... harumph. I may have to 'escape' for a coffee in the sun later on!!

Thats great to hear that you have the support of your colleagues and feel confident professionally. No-one can take any of that away from you. The prospect of a new job is excellent and I really hope that it comes through for you. I changed job recently in the middle of a family crisis (elderly parent, multiple strokes) and I sometimes didn't know if I was coming or going. However, I knew that it was a great opportunity and I had to take care of my own future. I managed to stick with it and I (think ) it was the right decision.

I tend to overthink everything and I know it holds me back. How lovely it would be to be able to switch those thoughts off. However, I also know that in time, it will all fade and I have to be patient while my heart catches up with my head. Its the way I am and I'm not suddenly going to change overnight.

A bit of slap and a light spray of my favourite scent have been a godsend for me. If it works for you too - go for it.

I have just found solost's threads from earlier this year. I can't believe how similar some of her story is particularly with how hard she found it to detach. i don't know whether solost is still posting.

But when i compare the advice solost was offered i realise i have done all the right things.

making him go immediately without another word being said.

making him give his key back.

not allowing him to come back into the home.

not responding to any "poor me" information.

not allowing him to see or speak to me.

not having any but one piece of text communication about his address to serve divorce papers.

getting the divorce underway.

not going to him for reassurance that he won't 'see me right'.

having him pick up and drop off DD away from the house.

putting a dispute on the mortgage so he can't draw any more money on it.

organising my finances ready to take over the bills this month without any further communication

blocking my email account to his name

the list goes on and on.

WWIFN and all you other wonderfully wise and lovely people are right. ACTING detached is a start. and if you are right about that you may be right (i hope so) that somewhere STBXH will be completely flummoxed and wondering whether he actually did the right thing himself.

Yes :)

However, the important thing is NOT to care about whether he thinks that or not, to be immune from him grovelling and wanting you back.

yup i know it. just been entertaining some fantasies, not helpful but i am, after all, just acting at the moment!

But i'm not acting this:

I will never under any circumstances take him back should he so grovel, beg or employ any other strategy to avoid what i hope is a rather uncomfortable and miserable existence.

Thank fuck for that - you had me running scared!!

In that case fantasise away. I have an ex that I still have the odd fantasty about turning up the door step admitting what a shit he was and grovelling for my forgiveness and begging me to go back to him

I sometimes have that one too, Chipping! It'll never happen, thank goodness, but I like the part of my fantasy where I say "No, fuck off" and shut the door in his face!

I nearly posted this ealier up the thread but there is a high possibilty that, at some point, he may very well do this. About the time that his 'new life' is not as rosey any more and and his previous one with you starts looking good again. Especially if you are reacting in a way he had not expected [buwink]

I'm not saying it will but it might. It did with me, and the thing I found most shocking was the way he re-wrote history in his head so that he was not to blame for what had happened and therefore did not need to apologise about it. I told him to sod right off, but it turned out to be a very stressful decision as I had taken my marriage vows very seriously. Best decision of my life, however [bugrin]

I have since heard of others that had the same experience. so be warned...!

Garlic - I prefer the version where I jump his bones first - then tell him 'No'

Migrating - yes, it usually happens, fortunately I stayed strong at the appropriate time - now it's just a fantasy replay The rewriting of history is hysterical isn't it... I was fortunately I have good friends that could confirm it was indeed him rewriting history and not me! ... and the excuses.... I almost had to go and buy a violin!

Just checking in WUW to say I'm so glad you've done a little assessment of all you've achieved in a short space of time. You haven't put a foot wrong and you should be really proud of yourself and your resilience.

I also think it's extremely likely that your exH will unravel further and unlike you, will give in to wallowing and drowning in the pit of his own making. I expect he will take sympathy from wherever he can and will be very manipulative with your DD. I also think he will try to come back to you at some point and in your case, that's the unfortunate side effect of behaving as magnificently as you have done. The only time a man like this will want to return is when he thinks he's lost his partner for good.

Now in your case thank goodness you don't want him back, but I do hope you get to enjoy a moment sooner or later when you can tell him unequivocally that you wouldn't dream of reconciling.

You're doing so brilliantly well and it's great to see a new Mumsnetter with so much wisdom and willingness to help others, despite her own trauma. I've seen so many wise and kind posts from you, to other posters. You really are very special, you know......

Good morning Garlic, Chipping, Migrating and WWIFN.

Have been to the gym for the first time in 5 weeks. It felt good.

thank you for your posts. They made me laugh and think.

I don't have a favourite "i've made a huge mistake can we try again" fantasy. They change depending. But my response is always a variation of the "fuck off" theme. .

I really really hope I get to do this.

WWIFN your last comments made me want to cry (good tears) .

Sun's up. Hope you all have a lovely, lovely day today.

x

Wisedupwoman I am de-lurking just to say how amazing I think you are. If there was ever a way to handle a break up perfectly I think you have achieved it. I am in awe of you

Hi
How is your day going?
It's lovely and sunny here but I'm stuck inside :(
I am supposed to be getting on with filling the walls and starting to sand them, but keep getting delayed by other nonsense! I have spent the morning trying to sort out the smell in the kitchen. It was fine last night - went in there this morning and it smells like a dead cabbage and I can't work out why? I bleach it at least 2 times a week, anything that stands still gets wiped over! I checked the bin/recycling bins first - no smell, but emptied them (still no smell) and bleached them (they get emptied every other day anyway and spray bleached). Nada. The fridge smelt fine (it gets cleaned out about once a week anway) but got another clean - everything out all bits washed in bleachy water, didn't find anything suspicious.... pulled out the fridge and the cooker (which gets done about every two weeks anyway) nada. Have now steam mopped the floor under them and put the back. Wiped all bench tops with bleach (again - did them last night) and steam mopped the whole floor (again, did it last night too). The washing machine is pretty new (and the seal/door etc get wiped when the cycle is finished) checked that out - just fine - also checked the drawer dispenser, all sparkly - washed it again anyway. Cleaned out the cupboard under the sink which admittedly hasn't been done in a while (month? 6 weeks at the most) and only has cleaning stuff in it (no old cloths or anything). The oven is fine, a few crumbs wiped out... it doesn't appear to be coming in from outside... but I guess it could be coming in through the wall from the neighbours (but hasn't before)... all very very odd. You could usually eat off any surface in the kitchen, but today you could perform surgery in there and an hour ago it still smelt bad :( The door has been open all day.... I haven't the strength to go in there and see if it's gone or not!

Now I need to have another shower (I smell like a swimming pool) and go to the hardware shop to buy a tool so the edges of the wall where they meet the ceiling look nice - sigh, what I really want to do is go and lay in the sun at the park and eat ice cream!

I am getting through the day with a self promise of wine, dvd, the Million Pound Drop & an Easter Egg tonight [busmile]

Anyway, hope you are having a nicer day [bugrin]

Chipping you are a legend for doing all of that, my eyes grew increasingly wide at your mega cleaning efforts .

Couldn't be damp, could it? Same thing happened to me once when taking an old kitchen out. Day after, smell was rank and wouldn't go away until I aquasealed the entire bottom of the walls all round (sorry).

Or maybe next door has developed strange cabbage habit.

I think after all that you MUST go to the park and eat ice cream.

DD has gone to the beach with buddies and mega sun-block at my insistence.

I have an unruly wisteria to tame and a mate coming round later. It's a good day, thank you.

Timeforme hello, nice to meet you (so to speak). Thank you for saying that, it makes me feel like I'm gliding around on castors just like Jane Asher seems to do!

Wisedupwoman you are most welcome, I meant every word and think you have more right to feel you are gliding around on castors than Jane Asher does. She only has a script or cake mix to deal with!