Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

In my town you used to be able to walk down the high street and buy absolutely everything you could want.

Now we are colonised by Tesco and other conglomerates, our high street has had to resort to quaint 'weekender' high end shops which sell everything you could want that is of absolutely no use. (and no fecking spanners)

But we don't yet qualify for a starbucks. not enough heads per capita, or some such big business jargon.

Trying not to hurt today. Am also beginning to brace myself for what I hope won't be another hard conversation with DD about the academy. They need the decision by friday. I hope she will be able to understand why it's not going to happen. And that H won't go on another mega manipulation of her if she appeals to him.

But if he does at least she'll be able to see that I am not, repeat not, "in a weird place right now". (bastard)

Oh, that will be tough.... I do think (as a teacher of GCSE, A Levels and BTEC) that you have been given very sound advice indeed. I hope your DD hears it (she probably does know in her heart but just needs to get over the glamour of what she dreamed it would be)

Git.

What reason are you going to give her for it not happening? (which of the many valid ones?).

Do you know what she is thinking about it at the moment?

Get it over with this morning (if you can) there's no point in worrying about how it will go all day. Good Luck!

So. Have checked bank a/c and guess what?

No maintenance has gone in. Could be that it's not done yet. but could've sworn it was a direct debit. who am i trying to kid - it was a direct debit.

so either he's seriously in the shit financially or he's again trying to make me make contact again.

I could do this if it hasn't gone in later today. or i could ask friend who is fairly wealthy and has offered to help out financially no questions asked. followed by call to sol tomorrow.

Thoughts, please....thank you.

too fecking afraid to check whether mortgage has been paid. but will have to now.

Isn't today a Bank Holiday so it might not come through until tomorrow?

With the Bank Holiday everything will be a bit messed up - it should all go through together though.

I wouldn't involve your friend, I'd simply call your solicitor if it hasn't gone through in the morning and get it sorted tomorrow.

I hope it's just a case of bank holiday adjustment and not him trying to wind you up.

Whatever you do, DO NOT call him, any 'sorting out' that needs to be done, needs to be through your Sol. As we discussed before, it will cost more ££ but cost less 'emotinal' grief and if he's not as thick as two short planks it shouldn't take him too long to learn that nothing he does will make you talk to him, he will only get more correspondence from your lawyer.

Have you spoken to DD yet?

Hi Wised

Just checking in and am in for you. These are the areas where he can really hurt you because it must feel as though its undone all the hard work you have put into detaching from him.

It is part of the process sadly and if you stood back from all of this, you could probably have predicted this happening. He's a tosser and will have justified why he has to do all of this. None of it will be out of badness... of course.

If he really has stopped paying in maintenance and paying the mortgage, to be honest, your DD does not need any further confirmation about what is going on financially.

Try and get yourself through today and contact your sol first thing in the morning. If he is going to be playing the Financial Bastard with bells and whistles, its better that you know now. He seems to have played all the other cards and they haven't worked so you really need to continue to work through a third party as the responses to him at the moment need to be measured and recorded.

Easy to say, I know, but you have to go through this shit so you can be properly free from him.

Doesn't he realise that his DD is old enough to work out what is going on and that he is hurting her probably more than anyone else at the moment. Be there for her as much as you can. If you are strong together, it will make things a little easier.

Hello everyone. thank you for bringing me back out of orbit. It could be that the bank holiday is slowing things down - also can't get hold of mortgage details. I will spend the rest of the day on other more pleasant thoughts.

I'll be online first thing tomorrow to check everything.

But if he has started a campaign IT WILL NOT BREAK ME. AND IT WILL NOT BREAK MY DD EITHER.

I remain absolutely committed to detaching myself from this marriage and securing whatever I can from it for me and DD.

he, on the other hand, can go screw.

I think the saddest thing is that he has done such a fine job of screwing things up that you could think it is very possible for him to have done this....

What an idiot

I have a plastic carrot you can lend him [bugrin] - sent via your solicitor or course!!!

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's just a bank holiday thing....

What else have you been up to today?

Hi

Am having crafty fag. Have not spoken to DD yet, she's asked me to let her get on with mountainous load of logs she hasn't yet done before tomorrow.
But I don't think she'll be surprised, and I don't know what I'm going to say.

Migrating it is sad and yet necessary that i think about all possibilities. if i'd removed the dispute from the mortgage account, instead of him taking out yet another HUGE personal loan with the bank this week, i believe he would have done it on the mortgage because it's far cheaper to borrow that way. And even if he had no intention of doing that, the advisor warned me that this could happen. because there is no reason to think that having lied for god only knows how many years, he has suddenly begun to behave honestly with me. if he'd have asked me to borrow more on the mortgage i'd have said no anyway - the only sensible thing to say in the circumstances.

the rest of the day has been spent seeing my therapist, walking about in the sun and now off to dinner at friends. no cooking for me tonight. excellent
save that carrot Chipping i may need to send it on!

How have y'all spent this lovely day?

The sooner you are finacially independant of him the better then. You clearly understand just what he is capable of and i think it is wise to expect the worse and cover all those bases.

Good luck with DD [busmile]

I hope you have a nice dinner out :)

Your therapist was working today? Blimey, she's keen! :)

and perhaps she knows how dangerous bank holidays are for relationships!!

I think there are conversations taking place amongst RL friends which go something like this:

Mmm, Wisedup looks a bit like she isn't eating properly, right we'll ask her round and then you feed her......

Stuffed to the gunnels I am .

Therapist away for next two weeks so we met today for top-up. But yes i saw plenty families out for the day - overheated children, dads with red faces (sun block is for softies) and mums juggling everything. it was lovely to see not least because been there done that!

Really great talking to you all today. You're part of what makes my days more hopeful and enjoyable so thank you. and hugs.

Wisedup - make the most of it, it dies off quickly!! [bugrin]

Away for two weeks?? Bloody cheek - doesn't she know you need her right now!? God, you may have to rely on those terrible internet sprites [bugrin]

Sleep well - no weird dreams!!

Speak to you tomorrow
x

Hope that the cash will go through today.

phew, cash went in. Back later after school run and happy hormones have been charge up in the gym (or something).

Great!! (about the money)

We are going to the gym at night on Tuesdays now as it suits my friend better. I'd rather go in the morning and get it out of the way and be knackered energised for the day.

It's chilly here today - so I should get on with the filling and start the sanding... I can't really be bothered though as I've had a few bad nights and I'm really tired, but I need to crack on!!

Spoke to lovely woman from mortgage company - this has been paid too. also reiterated (prior to unequivocal letter from me getting to them) that they must not remove the dispute indicator from the mortgage so he can't use it to borrow more. that's all fine.

Also a bit grey and cloudy here today.
gym knackering energising.

seeing supervisor tomorrow to plan return to work.

still don't know what to say to DD re the academy. i think because i don't know what her reaction will be and i'm anxious that she'll get really upset again. not sure whether her staying off the subject is about hoping it can happen, or a slow realisation that it can't and a coming to terms with that in her own way. i hope it's the latter. it's hard knowing how much to tell her about the finances and how important it is to protect us here for as long as possible. but maybe she'll surprise me.

i hate sanding. even at the best of times, so i applaude your efforts and i bet the result of your renovations will be worth it . don't forget to take as many coffee/tea/cake/rest breaks as you want!

Back later. shower and trying to think of something to cook for dinner later....