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Original poster

Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

1000 replies

Wisedupwoman · 18/04/2011 17:46

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 22/05/2011 20:56

Well it wasn't me. I don't have his work number.

Dozer · 22/05/2011 22:51

Poor dd, he has treated her really badly. Good thing that she's been talking about it with you, and does she have sensible friends who she can talk to? Teenag girls can be pretty good at highlighting bad behaviour by men of whatevere age and reassurring/boosting each other, if they are proper friends.

How weird re the calls to work, if true. he sounds like his work situation is a mess in general. Maybe it's one of OW's DCs or some relative of hers.

Don't know about solicitors or settlements, but reckon it'd be worth going through the finances and the various elements yourself and maybe a financially savvy friend. The public sector pension changes might mean he/you won't get any pension til 68. Think there may be an option to get less of a lump sum and more per month, so watch that he isn't trying to diddle you there.

When's the job interview? Sorry if has gone by and have missed it. If coming up, knock'em dead!

ChippingIn · 22/05/2011 23:25

Blimey - did your coffee & cake woman tell you about the phone calls?? OW number 1 is looking like a good bet for it!! So do you think this means the letter was genuine as well?? Oh just had a horrible though - maybe new OW isn't number 2 :( Maybe she's number 3 and it's number 2 that's fucked off with him :( :(

Anyway, more importantly, what was the cake like? Grin

Sorry I went MIA - I got sucked into The Room to complete the Yeti look (short, about as wide as tall, covered in paint & plaster shavings... yep - pretty much like a baby yeti!!) then a work call for almost an hour, more scraping, shower, dinner at 10 (soup) and half a film (The kids are alright), quick pop in here then try to sleep - work at silly o'clock tomorrow.

I'll try and pop in before I go. I hope it goes well if you speak to the mediator.
x

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/05/2011 06:09

Maybe it's one of OW's DCs or some relative of hers Shit, it might be although idon't know how they'd know his bosses contact details - he's pretty new. I've met his boss and so he knows my voice. If our employer thought I was making malicious calls I'd have been contacted by now and called in for an interview about it.

maybe new OW isn't number 2 I've thought that as well. It's of no consequence how many OW's there may have been as I believe the calls are happening. My mate (male) is the only person left here who still has contact, sporadically, with XH (and regularly with me), and they stay away from sensitive subjects, but XH respects him (as much as he can respect anyone, that is ). So XH is telling this to people who may pass it on to me. He wants me to know and it's the only sure way of he has of telling me since I ignore his communicatiions.

Whoever, it's the same woman who wrote the letter. She is as angry as me and feels as betrayed as me but she's not on my 'side' - she is trying to destroy his credibility and his career and she isn't thinking too much about the consequences for me and DD. It's possible she wrote to XH first and made threats to tell me which he ignored. He didn't look shocked when he first saw it, but he looked really fucking angry and I didn't understand at the time.

So sadly, I have reason to worry as well as to punch the air, so to speak. It couldn't happen to a more deserving man, but it could ruin things for me and DD too.
But I won't make contact with him about it. I just have to carry on as if it isnt happening.
It's like a bad soap story.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/05/2011 06:11

Interview is this Weds btw, thanks for asking Dozer and thanks for your good wishes. I just hope I can focus enough to prepare in the next two days.

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Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/05/2011 06:16

the other thing I want to say to you is, if I wasn't coming here and talking to you about this, I'd be as mad as a box of snakes.

Seriously.

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Alldownhillnow · 23/05/2011 07:49

This recent twist sounds exceptionally frustrating and probably more so as it is out of your control. Yes, the implications for you in the longer term could be far reaching. It may become clear sooner rather than later as these kind of things have a tendency to gather momentum and have legs of their own.

I truly hope that his work can contain this and that his boss has the guts to take swift action and gain control of the situation.

With your interview on Wednesday, if you can, try and focus on that for now and put this issue aside until that is over. This is a positive opportunity for you. Don't let him take that away from you.

And as for becoming unhinged; those around me are convinced that I tipped into general madness some years ago. Personally I don't know what they are talking about! Grin. I am sure that you will be fine - the fact that you are moving foward, despite the madness that is his life, is testament to your own wellbeing and that you can see a light at the end of the tunnel

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/05/2011 08:46

It may become clear sooner rather than later as these kind of things have a tendency to gather momentum and have legs of their own.

That's my feeling, especially if she's determined enough, and it's probably the reason why he's gone off sick again, to avoid this. I try not to rack my brains to think who (it's a complete waste of time and energy), and to focus on my interview.

Having said that it's as if I'm watching, like Saffy said, a car crash in slow motion.

OP posts:
Alldownhillnow · 23/05/2011 09:16

What complete tosser he is to be off work on the 'sick' OW's bagged herself a good'un there. Hmm

It will be hard to put these thoughts out of your mind at the moment. Try and use some of the energy to give a ball breaking presentation so they are biting your hand off to give you the job!

Thinking of you. And remember to be kind to yourself.

Dozer · 23/05/2011 09:57

Don't worry too much about interview prep, there is a lot to be said for a good outfit and adrenalin at these times! We are all hoping it goes v well for you.

SugarPasteFrog · 23/05/2011 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MigratingCoconuts · 23/05/2011 17:17

you're right there SugarPasteFrog! One thing you can say for him is that he is not leaving WUM any doubt that you are doing the right thing in dumping the loser.

He is so selfish and you and your DC are suffering.

Another good luck for your interview here and also to say I am glad that you are trying to stay out of the woman-phoner debate. It will do you head in wanting to find out who it is.

He has made his lot really complicated and its coming back to bite him now..

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/05/2011 17:19

Hello, good afternoon.

A good day today (hurrah). I've got my presentation at the forefront of my mind, but at some point today I lost that, so feck Grin.

I'm trying v.v.hard to detach from the latest ridiculous goings on and to see the almost tragi-comic side of it all. Whether its a mad ruse or reality, who cares, it's about his own narcissistic world which thankfully is only about him -and if we didn't have DD I wouldn't give it a second thought except for thank god he's not my man.
I'll get there though. I'm in so much of a better place these days. Earlier on this would have turned me inside out. Wink

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Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/05/2011 18:58

Thank you all for the good luck wishes. My mind is whizzing with ideas and I'm working hard to prepare.

see you later all
x

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Saffysmum · 23/05/2011 19:49

Hi Wisey - hope the presentation and interview go well.

How do you know that the letters are not made up by PTM? Sorry, if I've missed something, but I just wonder why you now know that they are genuine.

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/05/2011 20:04

Oh, I don't know for sure Saffy but whatever, if they're made up to get some reaction or other - it hasn't. Whatever misfortune happens now, he has entirely bought on his own stupid self and I'm glad I won't have to pick up any pieces!

couldn't really care less tbh - my life is a million times more calm and serene even with dealing with the divorce and all - which will be to nisi stage in only a few weeks! I'm nearly free, and so are you by the sounds of it!

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Saffysmum · 23/05/2011 20:24

That's the spirit Wisey! I still think that he's behind them, but of course I could be wrong, by either way, who cares - PTM has made his little beddie in Disgracelands, and he can wallow in it. You are meant for better things.

I too, feel that life is now calm and serene, even whilst dealing with impending divorce. You will be free soon, you lucky girl - I should be by Christmas hopefully, if so, it will better the Tiny Tears I got from Santa 44 years ago, and the David Cassidy LP I got 35 years ago, by a million miles.

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/05/2011 20:34

That is very funny you know - Disgracelands.

I wanted a Tiny Tears - now I am wanting a bit of man-action, I must admit! Blush

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Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/05/2011 20:40

Must have:

own teeth
hair (but not too much)
good bod
must be taller than me (for a change - yes PTM's a runt too I'm afraid) to allow for skyscraper heels (not that they make any diff on the horizontals)
style
wit
brain (in head, obviously)
nice hands
lovely ways
and put a big, big smile on my face!

not too much to ask I don't think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/05/2011 20:41

So now I can't concentrate on the bloody presentation Grin

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MigratingCoconuts · 23/05/2011 20:42

....and a bit more down his pants than the real Action Man!

Saffysmum · 23/05/2011 20:53

I'm so impressed that you are thinking of another man Wisey! The thought brings me out in hives, I must admit. I know for certain that if I ever venture forth into the world of men again, I will go for the opposite of my STBXH - he was an intellectual, tall, looked a lot like an older David Tennant. I shall go for a "real man" who can mend the boiler, fix the plumbing and drink ten pints of guiness whilst ordering a vindaloo. Then he can do the washing up, de-flea the cats and then put a big smile on my face!!

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 23/05/2011 21:28

Well I deserve some playtime and so do you!

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prettybird · 24/05/2011 10:40

You're going to need a new thread soon! But just think of the progress you have made since this one started! :)

Anniegetyourgun · 24/05/2011 12:41

Ooh, Saffysmum, you can have my XH. He's short and doesn't look anything like David Tennant, and is quite handy about the place. Not about my place, since I won't let him in (he takes liberties). But the place he works and his brother's and DS1's, and friends; he'd fix anything for anyone, except my sister, which is a long story I'll tell some other time. He's fairly well educated but you wouldn't say intellectual. He's a lager rather than a Guinness man but wouldn't say no to a curry, though you'd probably have to order it yourself, especially if he'd already started on the lager. (And you'd have to pay for it.)

He's probably still got the old Viagra the GP allegedly gave him three years ago knocking about somewhere as well...

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