After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

Im sorry to say this , but im willing to bet that there is another woman and that his affair has been going on from last year . No married man moves out of the family home to eat pot noodles in a shit bedsit on his own .

He " needs a couple of months " , no he doesnt . He can stay with family or freinds . Many men like your H try to stay in the family home while seperated and then try to get the wife to accept him seeing the ow quoting financial reasons for not leaving , or upset to the kids. They often want their cake and eat it.

He has chosen to end your marriage and therefore the terms of it are null and void , i think i would get him to leave , i know kids have exams ect , but they will be ok , and there will soon be something else , another reason why he cant go yet , ie , son applying for uni , or daughter fallen out with freind.

They arent stupid and will pick up on the atmosphere anyway . Make him go , and see a soliciter about protecting yourself financially , sorry this has happened . I expect wwifn will be along shortly.

Thanks for replying. I need to see a solicitor, and hope to do so within the next week. I think there may be OW, but he is absolutely adament that there isn't. Right now, whether she exists or not, isn't my priority. I am most worried about the effect on the kids and my parents.

This sounds really stupid and pathetic, but because he has made me feel so worthless over the past year or so, I feel guilty and ashamed. I have done nothing wrong, just brought up a family and supported him, and now he says that he's leaving because of me. He puts me down at every opportunity, he didn't even put his arm around me when I broke down at my sister's funeral...prior to that, when we heard that the chemo wasn't working and she only had a few weeks to live, he just said "well, we expected this", and didn't confort me at all, just left me sobbing and went upstairs. He has slowly eroded a lot of my self confidence ...has taken the kids side against me, when I have asked our very messy daughters to tidy their rooms...just silly stuff really.

I'm a well educated woman, nearly in her fifties (but my friends say I look a lot younger). I'm slim and reasonably attractive, and he gets very jealous when I get male attention...I just don't understand how he can walk away from us, our history, and most of all his kids.

if he does move out before the exams- contact the school (s)- students may be granted some concessions for extenuating circumstances.

I am going against the grain here- I'd say if you want to put you rkids first then try to bury the hatchet for a couple of months until their exams are over.

I'm a former secondary school teacher and it is absolutely shitty for any teens to have to cope with such an upheaval at this time.

could you see yourself being strong and asking him to stay put and do this in a measured, adult way- for the sake of your kids?

do not allow his behaviour to undermine who you are. his behaviour is not a relfection of your worth. he is clearly having some kind of crisis and I would not be surprised if he didn't come back at some point- if you'd have him.

Thanks for replying cabbageroses.

Daughter who is taking her exams is very stressed at the moment - she has recently broken up with first boyfriend, and feeling vulnerable. I feel that I want to support her and eldest DS during their exams, and totally understand the stress they are under exam wise. A close friend works in secondary education, and I totally realise the stress.

A part of me wants to kick him out now, and to hell with the consequences. The more rational part of me wants to wait it out under they have taken their exams. But how on earth I am supposed to stay under the same room as a man I thought I knew inside out, that I thought was in it for keeps, is beyond me. I can't bear to be in the same room as him right now.

If we keep up the pretence, then how do I live like this? It's horrible - trying to be normal, when I just want to tell him to get the hell out.

All 4 kids will be devastated, my parents will be devastated. I can't believe that he is doing this, when he knows how sad we all are after losing darling sis. How can he be so bloody self centred and selfish?

I think you are going to do fine. Stand up and be proud of who you are, pleased with your children, your career. Make sure you take care of yourself--regular meals and enough sleep. Detach yourself from him. The next few years will be a rewarding time as your children go off to school, you can be a single woman with lots of interest, and have an active social life including men who will appreciate you. Live well!

No, not to hell with the consequences. 2 months, just 2 more months then it's finished. Wait, please for your children.
Know that the time with him is finite then you can start to move on, but your kids need you not to give up now

I did it for a last family christmas saffy

Glad I did , who knows if it made any difference my dc arent lab rats

Stay until after their exams it cant make it worse

Thanks Hansiemum for your positive words. I have no idea how to detach from a man I'm living with though...I hardly eat or sleep, any advice please?

Thanks flippintired: You speak sense...I want to wait for the kids, but its very hard, especially when said kids are gobby knowall teenagers, who have no idea about what's really going on!

I need to stay strong because they are going to need me to be strong. But how do I stay strong when he's still here?

Right. Official advice from twerp who stayed in totally separated relationship for about 4 years. Credentials established? I should cocoa. Here goes:
First, get a calendar mark off D Day and count out days. Impress on self not that long.
Second, go out as much as possible including weekends at parents, friends etc where poss.
Third do NOT sleep together (v. hard to deal with) - you can make any old excuse to kids re snoring, infectious summit... etc
Remind yourself it's not you it's him - all the put downs are to try to make him feel better about himself at your expense - not nice... but not a reflection on you in any way. Life without being chipped away at is bliss and you are set to experience that bliss come end of June.
Use the time to get stuff sorted, collect all necessary papers etc, squirrel away savings, empty joint accounts. (PLEASE do do this last one , there are so many shocked women who come on here complaining when partners do it first).
Lastly, remind yourself why you want to wait when the going gets tough - your kids will thank you for it when they are older - and be very bitter if you don't wait and their life chances are spoilt because of it.
One last idea, could you plan a week's holiday to take just before you split to recharge and get in best poss shape before you tell kids?

I understand that your main concern at the moment is not to disrupt your DCs' lives before their important exams. So if he stays put, that means sitting this out for about 9-10 more weeks. If you decide to do this, have a think about how you want life to be in that time and realise that there will be consequences what ever you decide.

I'm pretty sure there's an OW involved here and that there has been for a long time and at least before the first declaration of a loss of feelings a year ago. I also suspect that he didn't leave at that point because it didn't suit him to (i.e. he couldn't move in with her right then) hence he backed down and pretended he was going to re-connect to your marriage. In reality I'm sure he had no intention to - it just didn't suit him to leave at that point.

Now he has dropped this further bombshell, what this one seems to be conveying is that he has now finally checked out of your marriage and you are to expect nothing further of him. After a year of letting him erode your self-esteem and his cruelty during your sad bereavement, I expect you feel at rock bottom right now.

But you do have options and you can lay down some conditions.

You can take back some control here by stating that the last year has killed any love you felt for him and you agree you should part. You also realise that he is only staying out of convenience while he is trying to find alternative accommodation. FWIW I would also say that you absolutely believe there is an OW involved and always was, because nothing else explains this total loss of empathy and humanity towards the person he has shared his life with. If it weren't for the DCs' exams, you would want to be on your own but have reluctantly agreed that for their sake, he stays.

But with some conditions.

That he pulls his weight as someone living in the same house. Stops siding with the DCs against you and acts like an adult co-parent. Co-creates a peaceful atmosphere over the next few weeks and shows you some respect and courtesy. Just because he has decided the relationship is over, it doesn't mean he has to be hateful or cruel, because it's not your fault that his feelings have changed.

If you're committed to doing this and even if he agrees to these conditions, do bear in mind that a man this selfish and in the midst of an affair might well leave earlier than the exams. anyway, if it suits him. You need to balance up the high possibility of him leaving when the exams are days or a week away with the damage that might be caused, if he leaves now instead. At the moment he is a loose cannon and I certainly wouldn't trust him to do the right thing and stay put.

I'm also pretty sure your DCs will have sensed your pain and will have seen you wither before their eyes this past year. At their age, they will have picked up on far more than you probably realise, so try to balance that with your fears that they will be devastated.

What ever you decide to do, it is essential that you take others into your confidence so that you get some emotional support. Once you start talking to other people, you might also learn a bit more about your H's situation, but it is vital that you don't soldier on alone.

You might also find it helpful to have a confidential chat with the pastoral head or Head Teacher at the school(s) and explain your situation. They will have come across this situation before many times and can give you some pointers about the effect this has on DCs.

Ultimately, whether he stays or goes, this will have an effect on them. If he stays, he can mitigate against this being worse than it needs to be and you will need a place to offload while you're living through this. It's about making the best of a terrible situation.

I think it would be good if you can hold it together until the summer, so the kids' exams are out of the way

I reckon he is going off with someone else too. Most men don't leave a relationship unless there's a better offer elsewhere.

You are strong and you can do what you need to do as far as taking care of your own well being. By detaching, that will allow you to not care what he says, thinks, likes or feels. He has detached from you! See a lawyer so that your interests are seen to. Pamper yourself, leisurely baths, new hairstyle if you feel like it, makeup, new clothes, so that you like what you see when you look in the mirror (I think you are secure in yourself anyway, but it won't hurt)--and let him continue with his search for youth. He is not happy with his appearance, and can't be pleased with himself at how he has acted either. Do you have to sleep in the same bed? I'd tell the kids his snoring has gotten worse and so he is sleeping on the couch. Excess weight and all, ha!

Thank you pickgo, WWIFN, laInfanta, HansieMom. You are all giving very good advice. I am going to act on it. I will start detaching as much as possible. Am going to get to see a solicitor next week hopefully. WWIFN - it is in the back of my mind that he might go before exams - even in the middle of them knowing him, but right now I feel that I will have to cross that bridge when and if I come to it. Have realised over the last few days that from now on I can only trust me and not him. At least I will be able to face myself when this is over and have nothing on my conscience.

Yes, he has eroded my self confidence and that, coupled with a very tough few months means that I'm finding it hard to cope with. I have told a close friend and she is being supportive. I feel disloyal to the kids though if I tell other people before they are told, but understand that I need support.

I will get papers together - can anybody tell me please what I need to take to the solicitor?

Also, because he earns really good money, and because I only work PT, will he have to pay maintenance as soon as we separate? Would really like to stay in this house, as I love it and its the kids home. Am considering whether to start divorce proceedings shortly - but obviously need to talk to lawyer. Very worried about finances.

Can any one advise me on what to expect at solicitors?

Thanks again everyone. It helps sharing this with you.

He has to support your children until they leave full time education.

I don't believe he has to support you though.

You should be able to stay in the marital home until the children are 18, however you would then have to buy him out or sell and give him his share.

Best to sort it with a solicitor so it is all in place.

This is something you need to be talking to him about ahead of him moving out.

Have nothing to add to the excellent advice you have had, but wanted to send my support and condolences

He is a shit of the highest order, and you sound lovely (have seen your posts before)

One of the reasons why departing spouses deny there is an OW involved is because it can have an impact on the financial settlement. OW's earnings can be taken into account if he remarries, so have a chat with your solicitor about that. Of probably more relevance though is that this relationship might mean he has committed financial expenditure to her i.e. she might have DCs, be a lone parent, not working, living with her parents. If he is giving money to her or promising to fund their new life together, this could have a serious impact on the money he says he is able to give you.

Forewarned is forearmed, so try to do a bit of investigating about finances if it's not already known to you; his earnings, his bonuses, his pension pot, any shares or assets. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if he hasn't been hiding other things from you, such as bonuses or savings and the timescale you've laid out means that he's had a long time to do this.

Committing to showing a facade over the next few weeks does not preclude you gathering your information and seeing a solicitor. In fact, it is a must. You are also quite right to trust only yourself right now, because your H's behaviour is entirely consistent with the way people behave when they've got someone else whispering in their ear and plotting against you. People who leave marriages because they have genuinely lost feelings for their partner tend to feel wracked with guilt and sorrow, both for their spouse and the DCs they are going to leave. Whereas people who leave for someone else tend to vilify their spouse to make themselves feel better about their behaviour and choices. It's also possible that the OW needs to vilify you in order to live with her own behaviour and what you're seeing in your H is the product of the many conversations they have to collude against you.

Hello OP.

Going through similar situation myself.

YOur solicitor will probably want to know about mortgages, joint income, assets like pensions and debts, and your reason for seeking separation (divorce?).

He may have to give spousal maintenance. This may depend on things such as income, length of marriage, who looked after the kids when they were growing up (i.e. you) and so on, and your personal current financial situation.

YOu will be told whether you qualify for legal aid and if not the solictor will estimate the costs of divorce (don't wish to frighten you but mine quoted upt to £10,000 if we have to go to a final hearing, but that is by no means a done deal if you can go to mediation with your H). From 6th April people who are divorcing are automatically asked to try mediation first.

Make sure the solicitor is one who specialises in FAmily Law. My solicitor could not act for me until I formally instructed him to proceed with serving papers on my soon to be XH. So all the docs and 'financial proposals', statments of income etc that my H 'kindly' put together for me to consider have remained in a folder because they mean nothing until an investigation into our finances has taken place. only a solicitor can do this. If your H has a record of lying to you then my advice would be to put your trust in a solicitor who deals with this sort of thing all the time and will have your interests at heart.

It's entirely to be expected that you are worrying about finance - you are automatically in a less secure position than he is by the sounds of it. But that's why you need properly informed legal advice. You will feel better once you know your position legally, even if it isn't all 'good news'.

You will feel more able to detach once you know where you stand. And doing this doesn't close the door on you and H coming to an amicable arrangement or even, if you decide, to work on your relationship. Actually it will send a message to him (and your children) that you are not a doormat and he better get used to that.

Hope this helps OP, its a shit, shit situation. You'll get loads of good stuff from MN though, I know i do!

i disagree that there MUST be another woman.

how many women on here have just left their husbands simply because they couldnt/wouldnt share their lives with them anymore

sometimes we get to a point where we reflect on whats gone and whats coming and want to make changes.

Thats not to say there isnt another woman, just that it may be that he has taken stock and decided he wants something different

If that were true dearyme then I think he'd be behaving very differently, as I outlined in my post. As it is, he is behaving like the men in the hundreds of threads on here over the past few years, who are having an affair but are too cowardly to admit it. This man would no doubt be hugely offended that he is following a well-worn script, but there is nothing new in any of this....

FC - thanks for replying, youngest is 13, so if we could manage to stay in family home that would be good - see what solicitor suggests. EF (love the name btw!) thank you, I don't feel lovely right now, believe me, but its nice of you to say so. WWIFN - thanks, I will get to see a solicitor soon, and as always everything you say makes sense. If there is anyone else then he won't admit to it and when I pushed him about it he acted all hurt as if "how could you think this of me...I'm not that sort of man". In a way I think it would be easier for me to understand if there was someone else, because his rejection of me and the kids, simply because "he no longer loves me" is intolerable. Sufarfreetea: thank you for your kind words, I'm sorry you are going through similar, and hope that you are coping. I will get all the necessary info together prior to going to solicitor. dearyme: you may be right - I suppose only time will tell. I just need to come to terms with what is happening/going to happen. Need to work on detaching and widening my social life. Have agreed to go out with friends Saturday night, and am trying to arrange a weekend in London some time in the near future, to stay with a close friend. Small steps.
Thanks again everyone.

It's really good that you're making arrangements to see friends. Try to get into the habit of never turning down an invitation and do have that weekend away too.

I agree it always makes it easier to know about an OW. Not that sort of man indeed .....as you might know from my posts, I believe there is no such thing as a "type", there are just vulnerabilities. Your H is no different, though I'm sure he thinks he is very special....

He isn't actually - he is just doing what millions of people find themselves doing the world over, but with an extra layer of lies and cowardice in that he won't admit it.

Once you accept that it wasn't anything you did, or didn't do - and that you haven't suddenly become unloveable, it is actually really liberating. It was out of your control and there wasn't a thing you could have done. The only people who could have prevented this were your H and the OW. I have noticed too that once a deserted spouse actually accepts this truth, it doesn't matter very much whether her H admits to an OW or not. Her own truth is enough for her and that bit of acceptance helps her to see him in a more realistic light and most importantly, helps her to see herself in a different light. In the best cases, it also helps to stop any self-blaming in its tracks.

This was not your fault.

Can I just add- I live in a small village and both scenarios happen regularly:

1. women leave for OM- often neighbours where I am!
2. women leave to be on their own
3. men leave for OW
4. men leave to be on their own.

There does not have to be OW in this case, OP.
I personally know of men who have left simply because they fell out of love.

It is possible that one partner has simply had enough.

In your case, the timing is awful- it's very selfish and immature, and shows he lacks any sense of responsibility as a parent.

However, it does not mean there is someone else.

For your own peace of mind, I would discount that until itis proved otherwise- you have enough to cope with emotionally without throwing a possible OW into the mix.

Massive hugs and empathy from me, although I can't really add to the excellent advice already given.

I'm in a similar crappy situation to you. My H dropped the bombshell last September that he was having an affair (we have also been married almost 22 years). I wasn't really surprised because our relationship had been in dire straits for many years. In fact, I felt almost relieved that he had given us both a good reason to end the marriage.

Although we went to Relate for several weeks to try and salvage something 'for the sake of the kids', I think we both knew (especially me) in our heart of hearts, that it was well and truly over.

Anyway, we have a DS doing GCSEs in a few weeks, and we made the decision to NOT formally separate until he's finished. I'm hoping that I will look back and say we did the right thing. We were never very lovey-dovey, touchy-feely type people, so our DCs haven't noticed anything different - if they have, they are certainly not showing it. I told both DCs last year that dad and I were having problems and we might be splitting up, and although they were both upset at the time, they seem to have forgotten all about it for now.

I know we'll have to break the bad news in June/July, but I don't feel as if I have any other choice, ie, there's no way I want to risk my DS going off the rails now. I know it's lying and pretending, but it's for the greater good. Also, there is no reason for my DCs to know the real truth..... not for many years at least.

So my only advice would be, hold on until the Summer if you possibly can.

Take care.

There is an OW the obsession with his appearance strongly indicates that!
If he was leaving because he had fallen out of love/got bored etc, he would be behaving very differently.
I would stake next months salary on there being another woman!