After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

Yes, I will, thanks SugarPasteFrog. Been wading through lots of paperwork today, getting bills together, etc., to sort out where we are financial. H is away for a couple of days - such a relief, like being on holiday. Says it all really....

Hi - haven't posted for a week. Things aren't good, I really don't think I can take much more. H stayed out "on business" last Tuesday, and it was so really nice to have space without him here. He came back on Wed, and things were frosty, but from Thursday onwards he was falling over himself to be nice and kind and civil. I found that quite disconcerting, but was polite and civil, without being over friendly. It was a struggle being in the same house as him over the long weekend. I really think there is an OW now - he keeps texting at odd hours of the day/night, always when he thinks I'm out of the way. He phone often beeps really late at night (over a bank holiday weekend, it can't be work) I really don't care - our marriage is over. It is very hard though, thinking that I have another couple of months of this.

The kids realise things aren't right. Our daughters have asked why we aren't sleeping in the same room (told them some rubbish about their dad's snoring) but they aren't stupid.

I can't talk to him - I just can't. I'm sick of the situation I'm in. Earlier this afternoon he said he was going for a drive - at about 4.00. He has literally just walked in 5 hours later - missed dinner. I'm sick of this. The funny thing is the kids didn't even realise he'd gone out!

I'm seriously considering biting the bullet and kicking him out Friday. Then me and kids have got long weekend to get ourselves together. I just don't think I can take anymore. He doesn't tell me where he's going, what he's doing...we don't talk. It's like he's been replaced by a total stranger.

What would you do please?
Thanks for reading.

I would most definitely kick him out. No two ways about it.

Can you pop into the DCs' schools this week and let them know what you are thinking of doing - and asking their advice about the perceived pitfalls/benefits of going public now? Most schools have a good pastoral programme that can swing into action for just this eventuality and if he leaves now, between you and the school(s) you might just manage to pull this off without it having any negative effect on their exams.

Your H has obviously got no intention of acting like a reasonable human being and instead, appears to be enjoying rubbing all your noses in his other life. Of course there is an OW and it doesn't surprise me in the least that the evidence is mounting up.

The DCs are probably noticing far more than they are letting on to you and sooner or later, it could be that one of them goes hunting for evidence themselves. That would be a horrible discovery for a child, so I would absolutely support you in acting swiftly and bringing this misery to an end. It must be a truly ghastly atmosphere for you and the DCs and the peace that will follow for his departure might make all the difference in these important weeks coming up.

He's already left, emotionally and mentally.

I don't understand his effort at being nice though.

Is he going to be the one to tell the kids that he wants to go?

Good luck, glad that you posted to let us know what is going on.

Saffy - only just read this thread. It really does sound like he's having an affair. I'm sorry.

Have you got a very good idea about contents of bank accounts, etc, have you photocopied statements, etc so he can't hide money/pretend there isn't any. I'm not saying things will go nasty but my parents divorced after 30 years and the financial arguements were huge. Mum was convinced that dad hid a load of money from her.

I don't know what I'd do about kicking him out on Friday. Only you know how bad it is and you've certainly given it a good shot of staying together till after the kids' exams.

Thanks TimeForMeIsFree - I'm starting to feel that I can't take anymore, so I think you're right.

WWIFN: Kids at all the same school -High School with 6th Form College. Big school, but always seem approachable. I'll phone tomorrow and make appointments with the Heads of Year. I feel that if I am going to do this before the exams, then it needs to be very soon. I just can't live like this anymore - it's like being in a bad dream.

I feel in a way that I should stick in out until after exams - but I just don't think I can. I need to talk to him, but I just can't - I just don't know him anymore, and whatever he says - I can't necessarily believe him...I haven't been happy for weeks, but now I literally dread being at home with him. I'm going to tell a close friend tomorrow - I think it's time I turn to others now - bottling all this up is intolerable.

Thanks.

Saffysmum I think if he leaves now then you are going to feel a whole lot better and the atmosphere in the house is going to improve massively, this can only benefit the children. I know that I couldn't live as you are having to and I would have to ask him to leave. Now.

As for him being nice, that could be a guilt thing, he could well be picking up on the fact he is on borrowed time and be trying to keep you onside.

I think you have done amazingly well to get this far without cracking up! I'm pleased that you are planning to open up to your friend, I am sure you will feel a lot better for doing so x

Hi Saffysmum.

just popped in to say that my DD has dealt with her D's affair and subsequent exit surpisingly well. And she is in the middle of exams. when she realised what her D was doing she made a decision that this won't ruin her chances of 6th form. so maybe your kids are stronger than you'd think.

It's a good idea to open up to friends, they'll want to help. I can't imagine how intolerable your life must be with him still around and messing with your head. he needs to go and once he has you'll be able to put all that energy into something worthwhile - you and your DC's.
(hugs) to you.

Thanks for your messages since I last posted.

I fully intended to phone school today, and make appointments with the kids Heads of Year. But early this morning I went on the school website to check the exam timetables...daughter (who found the porn!) has her first GCSE exam next week! It's Art (she wants to study Art post 6th Form) so obviously it's a biggie. This has really put a spoke in my wheel regarding kicking him out at the weekend. Have discussed exams with the two relevant kids - basically daughter's start next week and end 28th June; 6th form son's start a bit later and end a bit earlier.

So it looks that I'm going to have to stick with things the way they are for at least 8 more weeks. What a nightmare. Because I've been preoccupied, I didn't realise the GCSEs started in May, not June. This has thrown me a bit. I feel torn it two - part of me wants him out asap because I hate him being here. Like WWIFN said, he really is rubbing my nose in it. I feel he has the upper hand - it's all going to his timetable. He got home from work early, then said he was going out, and would be back tomorrow night. I said "fine". Then as he was walking out the door, I told him that my solicitor wants a copy of all bills/monthy expenditure asap. He paused, then said "Ok, I'll get everything together". Then he went, without saying goodbye, or even speaking to the kids, who all went back to school today - he didn't ask them how school was, how they were...nothing.

I spoke to close friend today, and told her everything. She said she thinks there must be an OW. (I think so too). She said I should try and stick it out, because of the kids, but that I need to try to get the upper hand with him. She suggests that I get my solicitor to have everything ready and then serve divorce papers or the paper work for a legal separation asap, even before the kids know. What do you think about this? Should I wait until the week before he goes, or get this started now?

This is going so against the grain, seeing him do as he likes, with me keeping this huge secret. I am telling myself that I am separated now - I just have to share the same home as him, until we part properly - but it's horrible.

Any help will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

I would certainly do stuff like see a solicitor, make sure you have photocopies of bank statements, etc in this next 8 weeks. If nothing else it will keep you busy/take your mind off things. Hope the next 8 weeks go quickly.

Saffysmum, I am so sorry you are going through this, I can really appreciate how difficult it must be for you.

I would certainly instruct the solicitor to have everything ready to go, I don't see any harm in that and it may help you in that you will feel more in control of the situation, you may feel he has less of the upper hand. I think you should do whatever it takes to make you feel better, give you strength and help you through these next few weeks.

Your H is being incredibly cruel It's a shame he isn't of the same thoughts as you when it comes to putting the children first.

I do think under the circumstances your children would be better off if the atmosphere in the house was not so bad, it cannot be good for them.

Once they know what is going on they can come to terms with it and deal with it.

In the meantime they are left wondering wtf.

Thanks VivaLeBeaver, I have a lot of info already about monthly outgoings, the CAB were very helpful in advising me about this a couple of weeks ago. I suppose I need to decide whether to go for a Legal Separation or a Divorce. Can anybody advise me on which would be better? The marriage is over, so I have to put me and kids first. Financially, which is best? Also, the CAB guy told me that all divorcing couples have to have mediation now - a new law just brought in. Does anybody know what mediation involves? Thanks

PS Start quietly packing up his possessions and winter clothes etc too, get him ready to go!

Thanks TimeForMeIsFree and FabbyChic. He is being cruel, I agree. I can't believe that he has changed so much, but he has, so I have to accept this. I agree that things will be better at home when he's gone, but I have no idea how the kids will take this - and that's the problem. Daughter who is taking exams is vulnerable - split with long term first boyfriend recently; was very close to my sister, and still upset and grieving. She found the porn, and it upset her greatly - I would hate her to think that her finding the porn is the reason why we are breaking up - even though it isn't, I can't imagine that, knowing her, she won't at some level, think "if only I'd kept quiet, mum wouldn't be so angry". Just a hunch. Perhaps I'm thinking too much, but the kids are all I've got and they mean the world to me - I know we will be happier without him - it's just the timing.

Personally I would go straight for divorce, I would want rid of this man, why delay the inevitable and prolong the agony of being attached to him?

AFAIK mediation is where a solicitor will get both of you to try and come to agreement over everyhting from child access to finances to selling the house without going to court. The idea is that it saves you both money. My mum and dad were offerred it but things got nasty so they went to court and spent about 15k on solicitors!

I'd have thought that divorce was better than legal seperation - more final. My parents had to seperate for 2 years before divorcing if I rememebr though as neither was prepared to admit adultery/unreasonable behaviour so thats what the solicitor advised.

TimeForMe: Believe me, if I didn't have the kids to consider, all his stuff, his weights and treadmill, his stupid Body Shop for Men rubbish, would be scattered all over the front lawn by now!

Thanks - yes, I think as it's going to end in divorce, it makes sense to go straight for that, without the additional costs of legal separation. Will discuss with solicitor asap. Think that if I get the ball rolling, then I will feel I am doing something positive, thanks.

Thanks Viva for advice about Mediation - solicitor will advise about this I suppose. So, if I take a list of bills/outgoings, mortgage, etc., and my/his payslips, is that enough? Do I need to take anything else to first solicitor's meeting? Thanks.

It's a difficult one re the kids. There is never a good time to tell them you are splitting up but maybe it would be better to wait until after the exams. I suppose it depends on how bad the atmosphere at home is and whether or not they are picking up on it. This could affect the outcome of the exams as much as him leaving could. On the other hand him leaving could affect the outcome of the exams in a positive way. I think this is one decision you have to make yourself as you know your children better than we do

I do think though that we underestimate our children sometimes, the are pretty resilient and handle situations such as this much better than we give them credit for, I think sometimes we as parents as guilty of projecting our own feelings onto them.

Wee in his Bodyshop for Men stuff then take pleasure from thinking of him using it.

I would take details of any Isas, savings accounts and also pensions. My mum was entitled to 50% of my dad's pension.

Yes, totally agree about them being resiliant TimeFor...trouble is, I think, that one will be fine (eldest son), middle two girls - well one will be better than the other, and youngest son will be gutted. That's how I think it'll be. I know I have to decide what to do and when, but I will only know if it's the right thing when I've told them, and then there's no going back. I really think that it would be better if I can stick it out. Although you're right - the atmosphere isn't great - but luckily the kids are busy social animals, and all have lots of friends, etc., and we have a houseful of other kids, or often they are out and about. Still, obviously they know things aren't right...what a mess.

I need to see how the next couple of days go, I suppose. Worried that I'll just suddenly explode and chuck him out - because deep down, that's my natural instinct - that's it really: head says stick it out; heart says chuck him out!
Thanks