After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

TimeForMe: Yes, I might just do that in his Bodyshop stuff, good thinking. One of the cats brought in a dead mouse this morning (yuk). I scooped it up through half shut eyes, with a dustpan and brush, and dropped it into his pair of work shoes. LOL!

Thanks Viva: I found one of his payslips which has his pension details on!

Just a thought but would they actually miss him if you asked him to leave but didn't tell the children? If they are social butterflies and he is staying out as he seems to be doing, could you and him come to some sort of arrangement by where he moves out but puts in an appearance to give the impression he is is still living with you?

Forgive me if it's a daft idea but I so feel your pain, I would want this man out of my house if at all possible. And tbh I'm a bit worried that you will suddenly explode too. I have a feeling that things are heading that way.

Well done for disposing of the mouse in a most appropriate way

I have thought of that too TimeFor...because he does work away sometimes, it could be viable, but I wonder if it just makes the web of lies more tangled, if you see what I mean? I just don't know what to do. I think I need to focus on the practical stuff, and then I might be able to get things in perspective, and get over my anger, which is bubbling away. The rational part of me says I need to talk to him to discuss everything, but I just can't, I'm scared I'll break down and cry, or I'll chuck him out. I'm not composed enough to talk to him in the way I need to; I can do detached - cool, minimum contact, but talking in a calm manner just isn't an option - I'm too emotional inside. Thanks for caring, it means a lot.

I can understand that. This is an extremely emotional time for you, you have had your World turned upside down and you are carrying the burden of it all yourself while he comes and goes as he pleases as though he hasn't a care in the World!! Are there things you need to discuss with him that couldn't be done via the solicitor? Or maybe you could email him, keeping it business like and detached.

I think focussing on the practicalities will be a good diversion for you, once things are in order you may feel a little more relaxed about him being around until after the exams.

Thanks for the link babybarrister.

Yes TimeForMe, everything could be done via a solicitor; there really is nothing to talk about with him, and I can't trust what he says anyway. Perhaps I could email him, I'll mull that over. Thanks loads.

You are welcome, I am pleased to be of some help

I hope you manage to work through your thoughts and form a plan which brings you at least some peace of mind until such time he can leave x

So the house insurance hasn't been paid? Anything else not paid up? Please get in touch with everyone you owe money to and see if payments are being made. Especially insurance, life insurance, car, etc., and any payments for utilities or credit cards. Which of you is responsible for bill paying?

I agree that the DCs' question to you over lunch was probably a long time coming and took a lot of planning wrt wording. They know what's going on, I'll bet. The DD who found the porn will definitely have formed her own conclusions.

This is horrible for you -- carrying the can and trying to be brave for everyone, in the face of your sister's death too.

Saffysmum, I've just served divorce papers.

This is what my sol tells me.

I'm going for a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Adultery is one of the grounds. nowadays the OW is not named.

the petitioner can request the court gets the respondant to pay for the divorce £1000-1500.

A statement of finances is done by the sol on both parties - includes all assets and debts. only a sol can do this in law. (i think)

Mediation is now offered by law, but you don't have to do it until you are ready (psychologically, emotionally etc). You have the right to choose your own mediator who can be a specially trained Lawyer Mediator. This doesn't necessarily cost more than your local mediation service.

You might get a lawyer who is a member of 'Resolution' which aims to take the heat out of divorce by giving the respondant the opportunity to comment on, challenge and amend the petition before sending it back. The sol must tell you this but they must also give you the choice to just serve the papers without this option, particularly if you have unreasonable behaviour.

You can hop off the process after the statements of income have been done and then go for mediation using your sol to advise on the proposals your H is offering. If mediation isn't working your mediator should pick up on this and put a stop to it, and advise you to go to court.

The whole thing in court from beginning to end, if you end up having to get a barrister is prohibitively expensive (well, it is for me!) at about £10,000.

Sol advised that even the most reasonable H's get shirty and gamey when they realise that the grass most definitely isn't greener just because their DW's seem to be giving them what they want (i.e. the freedom to shag everything that moves).

hope this helps, although i realise it doesn't help at all really. you'd much rather all this wasn't happening.

BTW, i was advised to serve quickly because whoever the petitioner is can request the respondant pay - this means if your H wants to, he could serve you and you'd be paying possibly - a huge insult to add to your injury.

It sounds really hard, really feel for you, especially as not many people in RL know what's going on. The more RL support you can get the better.

Is totally unfair that you are having to do all the worrying about the kids. Will you, when the event comes, speak to them together about what's happening?

Perhaps you could get the kids' exam dates / times / locations (and any other important stuff that's happening for them) written or printed out on a calendar thing.

Might help you to keep on top of that side of things and support them in practical ways, and to focus when the red mist descends (assuming you do decide to wait til after the exams to kick him out, not that there would be anything wrong at all if you didn't wait!)

My dad was unemployed when I did A-levels and younger brother did GCSEs, it was a difficult time for the whole family and parents had some probs at the time, but he did the print-out thing and made (or bought and heated!) us lovely food, cups of tea etc. while we were revising and send us into every exam with a v good brekkie/lunch! I still remember some of the meals now. Was especially touching as he never normally cooked.

Is there anything that would help you to get through this next few weeks?

mathanxiety: thankyou for your message, as soon as H realised that insurance had lapsed he took out a new policy, everything else is being paid. The kids now things aren't right, but they don't know H is leaving; although being realistic they probably know on a sub-conscious level at least that it could happen. Yes, it is hard after losing sis to be going through this, but in a way, losing her was the worse than this, which is why I think I'm mainly coping ok with this, although obviously the grief is still raw. That he has done this so soon after losing her, has made me realise how self-centred and utterly selfish he is.

WUM: Thank you so much for the detailed info re the divorce process, it really helps.

Dozer: I am desperate to tell people in RL: I feel extremely isolated, I am considering having counselling - don't know if it will help, but the thought of not telling people for 8 or more weeks is awful. I always felt that I didn't want others to know before the kids - so have only told close trusted friend. She's great, a MH nurse too, and she's been through similar. I've always envisaged him telling the kids, with me present, to reassure them that he still loves them etc., with it being me that he no longer loves. I've also considered telling them myself, then them talking to him...I just don't know. Either way, it'll hurt them.

I have got a list of the exams now, and I am organised now - I just knew they were looming, because most are in June, the one next week caught me on the hop. Lovely that your dad helped and supported you so much through your exams. I recently got a BA with the Open Uni so have helped the kids with revision times (and the odd essay!) and planning, etc.

I don't know what could help me get through the next few weeks - I'm trying to take it day by day, detaching mentally from him (hard when he comes and goes as he pleases), focusing on the kids, seeing more of friends (although going out is hard for some reason, I don't like being away from the home - which is strange). Also considering seeing a counsellor, but a bit wary about this. Have seen my GP, who was put me on low dose AD, (had ongoing bouts of recurring depression since having youngest son). I just want it all to go away, but that's not an option.

Thanks everyone.

I've thrown him out!

This is what happened: Eldest son came home from school and said he needed to talk. Said that eldest daughter (who found the porn) told him about her discovery late last night, and ever since, has felt uncomfortable around her dad. Said that when her friend (blonde and gorgeous) came around, she hated the fact that her dad might be looking at her. Eldest Son said he had talked to his sisters and they all knew that I was unhappy. Then he told me to put myself first, that home was much happier when it was just us. That he had no respect for dad anymore, because of his selfishness. That they all knew I was the one who kept the family together, who really cared.

So, I am absorbing all this, and in walks H. He has a bad back. Bless. He often gets a bad back when he is stressed. Last night, after he said he was staying out all night, and after I had told him my solicitor needed to know about our outgoings, he came back quite late and slept on the sofa.

So tonight he comes in, hardly speaks, then goes upstairs and I cook us all dinner. He leaves his, after daughter repeatedly calls him. I am still absorbing eldest son's bombshell. And then a lightbulb switches on in in my head. I go upstairs, tell him that he has a hour to get packed and leave. That I've told the kids. That I can't take anymore. He says he can't leave because of his back. I say I'll call him an ambulance, he just has to go. That if he isn't gone in an hour, his clothes will be all over the lawn. I go downstairs, and eldest son is there with a glass of wine for me. His girlfriend is there, telling me that I'm doing the right thing. Daughters appear and hug me and tell me that they need their dad, but they have always realised that I'm the one who's always there for them. I say how sorry I am, both daughters say that I've nothing to feel sorry for, they KNOW what he's like. Younger daughter then says that when we were on holiday in Malta two years ago, she borrowed his Ipad and found lots of porn on it. Oh my god! We are all sat cuddling each other, when he hobbles downstairs with his overnight bag. He has gone to BIL's! Yes, my dear BIL who recently lost my dear sis. He texted daughter to say that he was sorry that mum made her find out this way, and that he would be in touch soon.

Youngest son just got in after being round a friends. He has no idea, eldest son said that he and I will talk to him tomorrow after school. Then, after a day or so, we will tell my parents.

So, the thing I've dreaded has happened. All I know is that I reached the point of no return. And right now, it feels good. The kids who know are ok. Eldest son has been a tower of strength. He said he will pass his A Levels with or with his dad, because his dad hasn't really been there for him for years. Just need to tell little one tomorrow. Then my parents. But, at least I can breathe again tonight in my own bed.

Oh goodness, what an evening! Well done you. Your children sound amazing, a credit to the way you've brought them up. They will be fine.

Now drink your glass of wine and try to relax, the worst bit is over!!

Been lurking ...
Well done for throwing the tosser out. I would now pack up the rest of his stuff and deliver it to your BIL.
Your DC's sound lovely and l am sure are a credit to you and you will all support each other through this. It seems they have been protecting you from him for some time, the porn on the ipad must have been an awful secret for your DD to carry around for 2 years;
I am not surprised he has tried to turn things around and blame you for throwing him out but your DC's will see through this
Sleep well tonight..x

Wow! You/your kids sound amazing. Glad you can start being more open about stuff, all this pressure you've been under. Hope it is easier now he's not there.

This is progress!

Such a tosser. Sorry, but I hope his back really hurts!

Carlywurly: Yes, I am proud of my kids. I have always put them first. Since H went over an hour ago, it is wonderful to see that they are all fine: Eldest son and girlfriend watching a movie, daughters are fine and watching Friends together on E4, giggling away. Youngest son on
Xbox. Doha: I don't know why tonight was the end of the road; probably when daughter said she felt uncomfortable with her friends being around her dad - I just thought right that's it. He can come back and collect his stuff as and when he's ready. Right now, I just want to focus on getting us and kids through the next few days. But, all I can say is that I feel relief, and very, very proud of my kids.

Sounds like its worked out a lot better than you could have hoped for. Your kids sound so thoughtful and so strong. I'm sure you'll get through it with you all helping each other.

They sound great and just what you needed for that last push You sound strong and ready for this Good luck xx

Thanks Dozer! Yes, the relief is great - it's been like waiting for a timebomb to go off. My kids are great, and I will lean on them and them on me, and I know we will get through this. As for his back - well I've had years of nursing him with his bad back....he gets stressed, his back plays up. Well, he can now look after himself...he caused this stress, he can deal with it.

Well done Saffysmum! Your children are as amazing as you are! I think you were so far towards the end of your tether that you just needed a valid reason to kick him out right now! And you certainly got it. I am so pleased for you, you can now relax and breathe easy in your home x

Been lurking

Well done Saffysmum.

Just to say that i think you should change the locks tomorrow, so he can't just come and go as he pleases. This might not be entirely legal if the house is jointly owned, but I'd do it anyway. Also, i would transfer any money from joint accounts into my own account and would get my name taken off any joint accounts and joint cards. If you are second card holder on his credit card, then you can continue to spend on those until he cuts them off, because he is liable for that bill.

Not saying you should go silly with spending on his accounts, but it might be handy to pay the solicitor with it.

He might not run up debt on joint accounts, but best to be on the safe side imo and remove yourself so you don't have liability.

Wow, well done -- I am in awe of your DS and your girls. You should be very proud of your children and they obviously love you to bits. It will be hard telling your youngest but if you are all able to rally together and support each other, talk plenty and be kind to each other, then hopefully it will go ok.

My oldest DD found a lot that my exH had been up to on the family computer, and she hasn't spoken to him beyond necessary rhubarb since then. Her discovery is the thing that still makes me sit up sleepless at night. It's a huge betrayal of a child.

Make an effort to get to bed at a regular and reasonable time every night, and force yourself to eat healthy food over the next few months.