After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

Sorry you are going through this.

Well as you are no longer a couple I assume is he moving out of your bedroom and will be sleeping on the sofa/spare room? There is no way in hell you should still have to share a bed with him. Get a lock on the door. He has no right to invade your personal space and you need it. He has been out of your marriage emotionally for over a year from the sounds of it and you need time to come to terms with it.

Also now you are no longer a couple he has to wash his own skiddy pants etc. That is no longer part of your remit.

It is only for 12 to 16 weeks but that is going to seem like forever for you. Stay strong and come chat to everyone on here it really helps!

Thanks for the latest replies. WaitingforJuly - sorry you are going through similar, nightmare isn't it? Have you seen a solicitor yet? Oldwomaninashoe:please don't bet next month's salary on him - pass it to me to help me get a solicitor! Lol. Xales - he's sleeping on the sofa, except when I work nights when he's in the bedroom. The days are really dragging, feel in limbo, feel I'm living a lie. Really want to move on and get it all out in the open, so that I can start to heal. But I will do my best to stick it out for the next few weeks - the kids come first and my time can wait.

Thanks all - off to work shortly so will catch up tomorrow.

Saffysmum, yes it is a nightmare, but not all the time. Fortunately, my H has always treated me well, and he couldn't be any nicer at the moment due to his guilty conscience, so I'm making the most of it (plenty of Retail therapy)! No, haven't been to solicitor yet, can't face it. In fact, haven't told anyone in RL yet for various reasons.

Like you, I'm desperate to get it out in the open and move on, but, as you say, the precious DCs come first.

I didn't mean to hijack your thread but sometimes it helps to hear of others going through similar, and let's face it, there seems to be loads on the Relationships section lately.

Another thing I wanted to mention; I agree with other posters that there is a strong possibility of an OW. A few months before my H confessed, he had lost a bit of weight, starting using Lynx, took much greater care over personal hygiene, etc, etc, and was spending a lot of time 'socialising with work colleages' and rolling in at 3am. I didn't think too much of it, but in hindsight, these were the classic affair signs and I feel foolish for not spotting them. I'm just saying, please don't rule it out.

WaitingforJuly: You aren't hijacking my thread, like you it does help to know that I'm not the only one in this situation.

I saw a lovely man (yes, they do exist!) at CAB this morning, and feel better for doing so. He gave me loads of leaflets and advice, and it helped to talk to somebody. It was the first time I heard myself say those words, "my husbands leaving me and the kids" out loud. I feel stronger and more in control for having taken this small step. He said to read all the leaflets, and look at the websites he advised. Then he recommended a lawyer.

I then hit Monsoon with a passion, and put a big dent in joint credit card!

I am going to digest all the information, then see the solicitor he recommended next week. Waiting for July: he said that knowledge is power and forewarned is forearmed - so please think about going to your CAB and at least finding out a bit more. It really does help to feel that you are in control of your future. He also said that is my H goes off earlier than arranged, then I will have everying in place, and my head around what might happen.

I too, apart from a close friend, who doesn't know the whole story, have told no one in RL, because I feel the kids should know first. But I do plan to tell a couple of close friends soon, because like WWIFN says, we do need support.

I am totally open to the possibility of OW - but right now I don't care. There's no going back as far as I'm concerned.
Take care.

saffysmum you are definitely not alone in this situation. My H left 18 months ago for OW, we have been married 22 years, together for 28.

He also denied there was OW for many months, he too became obsessed with his appearance, gym, cycling, new clothes, worried about his hair etc.

We have 2 DC and when he left one was in first year at Uni and the other studying for A levels. A bad time for him to be leaving, yes, but it wouldn't have mattered to them when it was, they were/are totally devastated.

We are in the process of divorcing, I got advice the very next week. He is being very difficult re: spousal maintenance, as I am on a very low income, I cannot at the moment support myself.

I live in limbo, trying to sell the house, thinking of moving nearer to family, considering a change in career/retraining, so much to deal with.

Please do tell as many people as you need to, there is no need to hide it once your family are aware. You will need the support of all your friends, work colleagues, as well as your family.

Ask him to leave, so you can begin to detach and get on with getting better, getting over the shock and trauma, do this asap. My H stayed in the house with me for 2 weeks, while he dithered and basically made me being in the same room as him unbearable.

I can't believe how far I've come and there is still a long way to go, I wish you well and hope you get a resolution sooner than I have.

Thanks partytime and anothermum92. Partytime: I am determined to grin and bear this for our eldest two dcs for a couple of months.
I realise that it will be hard but I have always put the kids first, we are very close and they mean the world to me. That he can consider doing what he is doing to them makes me feel he is a stranger, and that he has put his own selfish needs before us, especially when we are all grieving for my sis, is unforgiveable. But I am determined that his selfish behaviour will not affect our eldest twos exams, at least if it does it will be him and not me. I tell myself that I am lucky, I only have to live with him for a couple more months, he has to live with himself for the rest of his life.
Anothermum92: after seeing Cab today I am going to focus on detaching, and getting as much info together as I can, then seeing a recommended solicitor. This will end in divorce, because I simply don't want to spend the rest of my life with a man who could contemplate doing what he is doing. Losing sis was dreadful, but if I have learnt one thing, it is that every day is a gift.
Thank you for your messages of support, I'm pleased things are improving for you - it really gives me hope when I read of other women getting through this.

I am sorry you are going through this. You sound like you are doing brilliantly. In your position I think I would wait until after the exams too.

I bin bagged my stbxh late July last year on the day I confronted him. But my children were 2 and 3 at the time and there were no exams etc.
I confronted him after he was bizarre about his mobile phone and I got access to his online bills (when the paper bill arrived I counted them and he had been sending 88-153 texts per day to someone). When I confronted him he said he hadn't loved me for years (I had asked him and he had been calling me paranoid and insecure) and he had done it as I made his skin crawl (yet he had still been having very regular sex with me?!).

It was/is unbelievably painful and awful tbh, but having a plan re. divorce, finding out about CTC etc all really helped.

Anyway, he did say he was happy to sign the equity in the house over to me so our children didn't have to move. I went to see a solicitor and have my free half hour. She told me to get the house signed over prior to the divorce as due to a case setting precedent this would not be undone during the divorce. I therefore also got him to sign the more expensive car over to me. I also waited to start divorce proceedings until he gave me a big proportion of his bonus to balance our overdrafts (we had somehow paid most of his off prior to the confrontation by adding to mine).

I also kept the copy of the phone bill as my solicitors will be using that as evidence of his unreasonable behaviour to attempt to get him to pay the costs of the divorce.

I have now sent all of the necessary docs to a solicitor and will be starting divorce proceedings asap.

Try and be focused during your free half hour with a solicitor - take a pen and paper and a list of any questions you would like to ask.

Take care xxx

p.s. this is a bit silly, but on light-hearted note every cloud has a silver lining as I have gone from a size 14 to a 10 due to the stress!

panicandanxiety: thanks for your kind words. I think it took a lot of courage to "bin bag" (loving that phrase!) your H on the same day you found out - especially with two young dcs. I have to say, it would be my gut instinct to do the same, and I would if only my eldest two didn't have a lot of exam stress. I will certainly go to solicitor with a list of questions - thanks for advice. I get the impression that you are very strong and together, and I hope it all works out for you, you skinny minny! X I am eating, but only about half of what I normally do, and have lost almost a stone in a couple of weeks...so yes, every cloud and all that!

The bin-bagging didn't feel like a choice really - he was just so nasty at confrontation and didn't show any remorse or a willingness to try to work on our marriage.

In the days and weeks after confrontation he even used to walk up the path to collect the children / sat next to me watching DS1's swimming lessons openly texting - while I was still in shock and just devastated. Like you, I have realised I wouldn't want to be married to anyone that selfish. He caused DC1 to have terrible separation anxiety, as he chose not see them for a couple of weeks, was too busy with his new social life to see them at weekends and so on. At 3 DS1 was too young to really understand and thought I would leave too. Anyone who could do that to his own children just isn't for me. It does help to keep remembering that.

For months I felt like it was all my fault for being a terrible wife. I'm very far from perfect, but I think he had made me feel like I was rubbish at everything. Not by arguing with me. He was just being negative (or at least very unenthusiastic) about everything I did or said. But never blatantly, so if I ever tried to discuss things he always made out I was being ridiculous. It is nice not having to deal with that now. I'm sure you too will feel that a cloud has lifted when he does move out.

People in RL keep saying how strong I am but it feels like they are talking about someone else. But thank you for that - it was kind of you to say. You seem very together too, especially for so early on.

The losing weight does make retail therapy more fun too!

Your DH sounds like a real prat. I am really sorry about your sister xxx

Hi Saffysmum, thanks for the advice re CAB, solicitors, etc, I'll take that on board, I promise.

Nice to hear you sounding a bit more positive about your awful situation, and I meant to say earlier, I'm really sorry about your sister.

My H has been away on business this week. TBH, it's been really nice, and the DCs don't seem to have missed him at all. My DS say he finds it easier to get motivated to do revision when his dad is not around. Although H was/is a great dad, he does have a tendency to nag DS about schoolwork without really meaning too.

Anyway, I'll be watching this thread with interest and thinking of you. x

PanicandAnxiety: Your words about feeling like it was you being a terrible wife really resonate s with me: During the last year I've felt like I was being judged on everything I did, said, and found lacking. God knows why they do this, I suppose it's to make themselves feel better about their decision to leave. If I had a disagreement with a friend, he would automatically take the friend's side, without even hearing the full story; if I dressed up to go out, and my daughters said I looked lovely, he would glance at me and just smirk. He would sigh and act like I'd asked him to climb Everest, instead of taking the rubbish out....I could go on and on and on. All of it chipped away at my self confidence. Also, like you say, some of it was so subtle that he could say it was my imagination, and then say (and I got this so much) that I was oversensitive, and it drove him mad.

Waiting for July: When I have gone through all the stuff the CAB sent me, I could PM you with the websites that they recommended, regarding finances. Would you find this helpful?

I don't feel as positive today. I think I've been running on anger and adrenalin the last couple of weeks - today I feel very low and exhausted. Ho Hum....

That would be very helpful - thanks!

I know what you mean about not feeling positive, some days I feel like that, but my anger has disappeared this week with H not being around. Then I have days where I could easily stay in bed all day... but gotta keep strong for the kids......

WaitingforJuly: have just pm'd you.

Saffy - just read your thread...really feel for you but wanted to say what a wonderful mother you are, you are doing the right thing. Your children need to get through this stressful time in their lives (exams etc...) and your lack of selfishness shines through.

Hold your head up high, btw does your hubby knwo you have gone to CAB and seeign a solicitor? Do you think he will back down once he knows your taking control of your life?

Thanks dontdillydally: I just want whats best for the kids, and at the end of this horrible situation, I want to feel I can live with myself, and that I haven't done anything to make things worse than they need to be. Detaching is very hard but I'm taking it a day as it comes. He's mooching around looking like a kicked puppy, whereas my parents came round yesterday (they know nothing of this) and both commented on how well I look! How funny is that? He's doing what he wants, I'm in bits inside, yet to other people you'd think I was ok and he was the hurt one!

He has no idea about CAB or solicitor - none at all. I'm keeping my powder dry and playing my cards very close to mychest. He'll find out when I want him to, probably via a solicitor's letter!
Thanks.

Sorry meant to add: Don't care whether he wants to back down, breakdown, or whatever. The sort of man who can do this to us, is not the sort of man I want to breathe the same air as! X

Thanks Saffysmum, got your PM and have replied!

I know what you mean about putting on a front, I've been doing it for over 6 months. I saw my parents and sister yesterday, and it's hard acting 'normally'. I feel bad because they are all going to be in complete shock when I tell them.

WFJ: I know exactly what you mean about acting normally. I too feel bad about the shock and sadness they will feel. But we need to remember that this isn't our doing, we didn't ask for any of this. I am going to use the time between now and the day they are told to get myself as much information as I can, and to detach, detach, detach. My parents will be very upset, but I'm sure that if they can see that I am coping, (and coping I will be by then,because I have no choice), that I am capable of sorting out the legal/financial stuff, hopefully that will ease it for them. At the end of the day, this isn't our fault; it's a horrible situation, and we have to get strong to cope with it. I'm trying not to take it more than a day at a time. I'm much happier at home when H is at work or out in the evenings. When he's here it's horrible - having to act for the kids. When they aren't around I have minimal contact with him. He started going on about the football he was watching the other evening, whilst I was reading, I just said nothing, got up and went upstairs. It's hard, but it's called self preservation! Remember, we have had this dumped on us, we will have to deal with the fallout with kids, parents. So please use the time inbetween to detach, get legal advice, and get strong. Not easy, but I'm talking to talk, because hopefully soon I'll be able to do the walk! X

Ditto everything you have said.

In my case, although it has been dumped on me, there have been problems and faults on my side as well. So I can't completely blame my H for having an affair because I've pushed him away over the years (for lots of different reasons, not all my fault, I hasten to add).

So therefore, when I tell my parents, I'm going to be honest about why he chose to have an affair. On the other hand, as WWIFN always says, my H had a whole raft of other choices and took the worst possible option. That is definitely not my fault.

By the way, I think you're doing the right thing in not telling your parents yet, after so recently losing your sister. x

WaitingforJuly: But do you really KNOW why he chose to have an affair? I agree with WWIFN, that he had choices...he could have discussed how he felt pre-affair, he could have walked away from having an affair. I just don't want you taking responsibility for his mistakes - you need your parents support when you tell them, and your DCs will as well. I don't mean to gloss over anything, but please don't accept responsibility for his affair. It was him, and him only that did this. So many men act as if they are not in control, which is rubbish. We are all tempted, I've been tempted (doctors in white coats swanning around me at work!) but I've never acted on it, and I never would. He crossed the line. Just please don't be too hard on yourself.
Take care X

Daughter (who is taking GCSEs in July) has rumbled that all is not well.

We went to lunch today, her, her younger brother and me. Lovely. Then she said, "so what's going on with you and dad?". So I said, "What do you mean?", and she said, "well you two hardly talk". Then youngest son (nearly 14) said, "you always go out with other people, so does he, you two don't go on dates like other mums and dads".

I said, off the top of my head, that things weren't great at the moment, but that there was nothing for them to worry about.

We carried on having a lovely lunch. Then we were home, daughter really sent me reeling...said that she felt that I had a right to know that a couple of weeks ago, she went on the family computer, and that there was really disgusting porn on there. Said that she told H that she was disgusted, that he should be ashamed at looking at stuff like that, that some of the girls were about her age, and how would he feel if it was her that old men were looking at (she's her mum's daughter all right!). She said that he seemed a bit defensive, said all blokes do it, then said he would erase it.

She said she can hardly bear to look at him. I am fairly relaxed about him watching porn - personally what he does is no longer an issue for me. Leaving pornsites available for the kids to find on the family computer is an issue though.

Daughter said he lives in his own bubble and she's fed up with him. I was non commital, told her that I loved her.

Now its the weekend, and I hate the weekends...and why is he moping around like a victim? He's the one who put this bomb under his family...

Thanks for reading.

That is awful about the porn. Your daughter sounds like a fab girl.

I hope the weekend isn't too bad for you. At least you can count the days now until you no longer have to live with him.

Thinking about you

xxx

Thank you panicandanxiety. Hope you are ok too. Yes, daughter is lovely. How he can walk out on her and her lovely siblings (although I know its me he no longer loves) baffles me. Anyway, yes, I shall count the days until I can get rid! Hope you have a good weekend. X