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Original poster

After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

572 replies

Saffysmum · 11/04/2011 21:41

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

OP posts:
BeforeAndAfter · 31/08/2011 18:57

Ah, horse riding and canoeing. TCH's is ice skating...

Spot the trend.

Wisedupwoman · 31/08/2011 19:07

Ice skating. Grin.

Wisedupwoman · 31/08/2011 19:09

there's probably a whole new thread in that- after separation, what crazy, fool hobby did your H take up that made him look even more twatty than he looked before

MangoMonster · 31/08/2011 19:19

I'd wait till after the exams and then kick him out. You don't need this rubbish, it will be hard but you will be better off without him.

BeforeAndAfter · 31/08/2011 19:59

It's a virility thang isn't it? Clinging on to the vestiges of youthfulness before the joints start to creak too much.

wiseoldowl · 31/08/2011 20:15

Oh girls, you have made me laugh so much catching up on the hobby posts.
My STBXH has just had a lovely romantic weekend away at ... well cant say exactly where in case OW reads but put it this way its got rollercoasters!!! Mid life crisis, young again - you bet!!
Now if it was me I would be going for log fires, four poster beds,bottles of champagne ..........ahhh a girl can dreeeeeammmmm (not that I would at this point you understand, I'm with Saffy - scares me to death).

clam · 31/08/2011 21:16

Has he also started dyeing his hair? That'll be next. Or he could buy some jeans that come halfway down his arse.

NotQuiteSoDesperate · 31/08/2011 21:25

My dear old Mum has a name for men like this: Last Chance Trendy.

We used to have a game spotting them when out for walks - sounds like a few of your XPs would fit?

BeforeAndAfter · 31/08/2011 21:30

NotQuite WHAT a great name - LCT. Love it, love it Grin

NotQuiteSoDesperate · 31/08/2011 22:04

B&A Closely related to Medallion Man Wink

RoxyRobin · 31/08/2011 22:12

And The Oldest Swinger in Town Smile

drfayray · 01/09/2011 04:26

Kayaking for the twunt I am still married to...and he has lost weight and has been dyeing his beard and tash. DD said he should really shave it orf...

Also buying younger looking shirts. Before I found out, I saw this see through black shirt he had bought..i was like Shock and thought maybe he bought it for DS who has borrowed it and looks fab...no no for HIM. (OK not like transparent but gauzy Wink).

Pah...talk about a script.

Original poster
Saffysmum · 01/09/2011 09:10

Changes Twunt has made to his "image" and lifestyle in the last couple of years (in date order).

Started jogging.

Started going to gym and weights.

Started using L'Oreal for Twunts eye wrinkle diminishing gel (this is my personal fav).

Lost weight

Stopped drinking pinks of Adnams for glasses of Chardonnay (hands off my wine Twunt).

Started wearing the Lycra he wore for jogging and working out around the house. Picked daughter up from friend's house wearing it - and DD didn't speak to him for a month.

Fake tan

Grew hair in a floppy fringe thingy (cos lots of people say he looks like David Tennant - it's the brown eyes - they used to make me melt), so he decided to go for the whole look - although DT is a good 10 years younger. Wish he'd got a bloody Tardis too - and pissed off around the universe in it - sorry, I digress).

Stopped listening obsessively to Radiohead.

Started listening obsessively to Rhianna.

Stopped buying nice grey suits for work from Next, and started buying snazzy suits with St Pepper style collars on line.

Stopped buying Polo shirts, T shirts from M&S, and started getting too small style shirts/T' Shirts from trendy shops like Bench.

Started horse riding

To be continued........Wink

OP posts:
Chrononaut · 01/09/2011 13:57

OMFG, i just spend a few hours reading this thread from start to finish!! saffysmum I have the following statements to say

Your brilliant!!!! your dc's are amazing and your XH is probably weeping each night at what hes lost and cowering at the thought of your SHL(if hes not then he should be!)

vole3 · 01/09/2011 20:50

Hey Saffy, are you in East Anglia or does your x have really bad taste in drinking ditchwater Adnams?
I'm just outside Norwich so if you fancy meeting up for some x bashing I'm all for it :)

Wisedupwoman · 01/09/2011 22:22

Arf at all that!!!!

Do they not realise just how dickheady they look?

drfayray · 02/09/2011 00:27

Sadly, they do not. Is there a male term for mutton dressed as lamb?

Sound like the job is going well Saffy. That is good to hear.

Wisedupwoman · 03/09/2011 19:45

Just checking in Saff. Hope they're treating you with the massive respect you deserve. Who am I trying to kid? You won't stand for anything less any more!!!!

Wisedupwoman · 04/09/2011 12:37

Saff back to the knitting briefly. have completed two lovely scarves and now knitting patchwork quilt for DD's bed in blues, mauves, pinks and creams. Two squares down, only a zillion to go.

wiseoldowl · 04/09/2011 17:52

L'Oreal for Twunts- because they're worth it (only in their own minds)

Changed from Radio 2 to Kiss FM (the OW's favourite)

Original poster
Saffysmum · 04/09/2011 20:50

Thanks Chrononaut; meeting up for ex bashing sounds good Vole! I'm in centre of Norwich! Jobs going well thanks DrFay - just very busy and I'm still trying to get used to doing 4 twelve hour shifts per week - feel permanently knackered at the mo! Well done on the knitting Wisey - glad you're enjoying it.

Thanks for lovely messages everyone - nothing really happening re Twunt at the mo - will keep you posted Wink

OP posts:
wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 05/09/2011 13:30

I do like the saying TWUNT last chance trendy . glad to hear you are doing ok

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 08/09/2011 09:41

did I just kill this thread .

wiseoldowl · 09/09/2011 18:09

HI SaffysMum,just checking in, hope you're ok. I know you're v busy and hope work is going well.
Just re-read lots of the early posts as am needing a bit of strength at the moment.
Have things come to a bit of a standstill now? Are you waiting for divorce petition? If you have any advice re what happens next would be grateful as look to you (& several others) for my strength and you have already helped me more than you know.
Have a good weekend X

Original poster
Saffysmum · 09/09/2011 23:35

Hi Wise Owl - things are dragging a bit - I'm further ahead in the divorce than Twunt is: there's this financial document called Form E which both parties need to complete - long and very involved. When it's complete, then you have to swear an affidavit in front of an independent solicitor. I did this last week. Twunt has most of his complete, but my solicitor has been chasing his new solicitor, and they should be complete by end of next week (awaiting pension figures at the mo). Then Twunt will swear his - and then SHL and his new sol will thrash out a settlement. Then, when SHL has got me the deal I want (and she will!) we should move quickly. SHL said it should all be over by Christmas latest.

Sorry to hear you're struggling - can I help?

OP posts: