After 22 years he wants out: How do me and kids cope with this?

[Saffysmum]

Got married 22 years ago - thought it was for keeps.

After 4 kids - now teenagers, he's decided that he no longer loves me and he needs to move on.

Last year he told me that his feelings had changed. I was gobsmacked. He insisted that there was no OW. He said he no longer loved me. I told him to leave, but he than backed down, said we needed to get "reconnected". He made no attempts to do this. We both work hard and long hours although he earns 4 times more than me (I work a couple of nights a week as a Mental Health Nurse).

I didn't work at all whilst bring up 4 kids ( born within 5 years of each other). I went back to work part time when youngest started high school.

My darling younger sis was diagnosed with cancer late last year - and sadly a couple of months ago lost her fight. It didn't bring us closer, he offered no support at all to me. My elderly parents were naturally devastated. He somehow made it all about him, IFYSYIM. He "grieved" alone, like it affected him more than me.

Anyway, two weeks ago, he said that he needed to move out. That he no longer loved me and that my sister's death had made him realise that he had to live his life as he wanted to. I have been reeling from this.

He said that he hopes we can remain friends for the kids sake.

The kids are all teenagers btw, eldest DS has A levels looming, whilst younger daughter has GCSEs in a couple of months. They know nothing of this.

I cannot forgive him - he is like a stranger to me. If I didn't have the kids then I would have thrown him out two weeks ago. I feel absolute contempt.

My parents are still grieving, and they think he is wonderful. Everyone thinks he is.

I think he is going through a mid life crisis - he is obsessed with his appearance, his weight - is constantly working out or running. If I wasn't so gutted I would laugh at him. He is sadly turning into the sad old git we all scoffed at in the nightclubs years ago.

He said it will take him a couple of months to find somewhere else to live - and that by then eldest two will have taken exams.

I want him out now-but also realise that all kids will be devastasted - and that older two need to take exams which are stressful without the added stress of coping with us breaking up.

I have always, and always will put the kids first. I will fight tooth and nail to get them what they deserve. How do I cope with this though?

Morning.

Slept better than I have done in months. Thanks for your messages. I am very proud of my kids, thanks for your kind comments about them.

The final straw was daughter who found the porn telling me that she felt uncomfortable around him. Then telling me that she felt uncomfortable having her friends around. That she couldn't get the images she had seen on the computer, that he made no attempt to hide, out of her head. Then other daughter saying she saw stuff on his Iphone on holiday two years ago. I realised instantly then that exams or not, he had to go. As MathAnx says its a huge betrayal of a child.

Eldest son is up and about, and said a few minutes ago that if he'd known that a year ago his D had told me that he no longer loved me, he would have told me to kick him out then.

This afternoon, when youngest gets home, I am going to tell him that D and I need a bit of space, so D is staying with his uncle for a while. I think that's all he needs to know for now. He's a quiet lad, and the one I'm most worried about, but I know the others will help him.

I've told eldest three that he will always be their dad, that he loves them, and that the problems are with H and me, not them. I'm not going to be derogatory about H to them, just support them and answer any questions they have. I hope that their relationships with him improve now, and will try and make them see that this is a positive move.

They only have today at school and then are off until Tuesday. I will make appts today with their Heads of Year for next Tuesday hopefully, and put them in the picture. Although girls and eldest son have said there is no need, they have all known that this might happen, and they are fine with it. I still think I need to tell school though. Then I shall see a solicitor early next week.

There are no joint accounts, mortgage is in both our names. I have my own bank account, have no credit cards, but am second card holder on his mastercard (which I've just done a big Tesco online shop on).

Apart from telling youngest, next hurdle is telling my parents. I don't plan to rush this though, and just want the holiday weekend to spend at home with the kids, so we can all have some time.

H will come back here to get stuff, may be when I'm at work later and the kids are at school - or he might come back tonight/tomorrow. I won't change the locks, he needs to get his stuff, and at some point, when the dust has settled I will arrange a time with him to sit down and talk. Right now, he makes my skin crawl, and I will keep out of his way if he is around over the weekend.

That he went last night, without a word to the kids, then texted them to say sorry that they had to find out this way from their mum, says it all. Bloody coward. Youngest daughter said, "he didn't even have the guts to talk to us". He then sent all three kids the same text (not youngest because he was out when he went), to say he loved them, was proud of them (WTF?) and would talk/meet them whenever they wanted to.

So far, so good.

Thanks so much for all your support - I think in the long term we'll be ok, but it's going to a bit of a rollercoaster.

X

You are going to be just fine Saffysmum You are an amazing woman with amazing children, you cannot fail, you will go from strength to strength. On the other hand your EXH appears to be a very weak and cowardly man.

Have a great day! X

Just caught up with the amazing developments Saffy. Well done and I'm so relieved for you that this has come to a head. Your children sound wonderful!

I can quite see why this became the defining moment for you. I have a feeling that all is going to be fine with the DCs' exams and that the new peace and honesty at home is actually going to be beneficial to them during a stressful time. It's really wise to let the school know though.

Good luck with your little DS. If he's an introspective little chap, he might not say very much at all today or tonight, but try to get him to open up to you over the coming days and weeks. He's bound to know other DCs whose parents have split.

Keep posting, you've done so well and really, your life's (splendid) work is right before you in those marvellous children.

Just caught up, saw your update by chance. Am having a tiny little weep here.

I am happy things have come to a conclusion. There is a way to go yet, but you sound so resolved. he made it quite easy for you in the end, didn't he. Straws and camel's backs...it may be a cliche, but by 'eck it's a truism.

Your kids sound like an absolute credit to you and you to them.

All the very best. x

I've only just caught up as well...... I can't really add to what everyone else has said, except I'm in awe of the way you have handled an almost impossibly difficult situation, which was in NO way caused by yourself! And I hope my kids will be as mature and supportive as yours (when my time comes).

Well done and big hugs! I admit to feeling a teeny bit envious, as I still have to wait a few weeks to start my new life.

x

I've just read this whole thread from start to finish and want to say how immensely impressed I am by you and your children - what strength and love you are all showing for one another. I have a bit of grit in my eye.

Well done for kicking him out - I have no doubt that your older children with help your youngest come to terms with everything. Hope you continue to feel rested and relieved and are able to move on as a family unit.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Can't get in to see Heads of Year until late next week, so have written to them all, and just back from dropping letters round to school.

Told youngest son a few minutes ago. Told him that me and H were having problems and that H slept at BILs last night, and I needed space for a few days. He said OK. I told him he could phone dad or text him whenever he wanted. Then I asked him if he had any questions. He said, yes. "Could we have Chinese for dinner?" Isn't that priceless!! Eldest son is away this weekend with girlfriend, but they both said they will cancel their arrangements and stay here if I want them to. I said no way, absolutely not, and that they must go away - it will do them good. So they are going. Daughters have a friends birthday dinner tonight, and both are happy to go. Eldest daughter said, she hopes he doesn't turn up at home for a few days as she's angry with him - I said not to worry about that, that it's me who he has problems with, not her. I too am simmering with pent up anger.

So looks like it's Chinese for dinner then!

Thank you for all your support, encouragement and kind words. It has all helped more than you can imagine.

Will post later - bit wobbly inside, got butterflies - think it's reaction. Feel a bit raw, it all seems surreal.

WFJ: You'll be fine when your time comes...it's sad and scary, but most of all I feel (at the moment) relief.
X

have a spring roll for me x

Will do RF!! LOL!

Hello

Let's get the important stuff over first - didn't Princess Katie look classy and elegant, and didn't Fergie's two look like the dames in a Panto? Youngest son said one of them (never know which is which) looked like a tellytubby.

Anyway, H has moved to a B&B very close to where we live. He is texting the kids constantly, and telling him he loves them and is always there for them. Eldest son hasn't responded to any texts, but said to me "well he hasn't been here for us for over a year". Daughters are fine - one is out with friends then has a sleepover, other one spent a lovely day here with her boyfriend. Older one said she was impressed by how together I seemed, and I told her how impressed I was with her being the same! Then she said that he'd really left us all over a year ago. So true sadly. Youngest son is a bit quiet, but so far, so good. I have spent this afternoon rearranging MY bedroom, making it all pretty and girly again! I've packed up the rest of his stuff and left it in the garage. I'm not too bad - it comes and goes in waves...one minute fine and quite optimistic, next minute wobbly and guts churning, and repeat.

Will see solicitor soon. Going to go straight for divorce. Will tell parents when I feel a bit stronger - can't rely on myself not to become a weeping and waiting wreck with them right now - and God knows, we've all done enough of that together over the last few months.

BIL rang - said that H had stayed for a couple of nights, but he wasn't comfortable having him there. Said that his loyalty lies with me and my kids. He said after losing sis, the fact that another bloke has decided to blow apart a family is beyond his comprehension. Especially a family that (his words) are so bloody brilliant. He said that to do to me what he did, after knowing how close me and his dear wife (my darling sis) were, is just a step too far. I thanked him for his kind words, and told him I would tell my parents when I was ready. He said he is there for me. He said, "I think he's having a mid life crisis, bet you he'll want to come back when he realises what he's lost". I said, tough, he's out for good.

X is coming round tomorrow to talk youngest lad to rugby. This is there regular Saturday thing. I will go shopping, and both girls have said they don't want to see him.

X

Your BIL sounds lovely. I hope you feel buoyed by the good things the people all around you have been saying.

Your H must have really lost all sense of what is proper if he thought that staying with the BIL would be appropriate.

The texting by your ex to the children -- clearly they are not buying it and see it as cheap words.

Wow, you sound so 'together'

I agree, your BIL does sound wonderful and very supportive.

Onwards and upwards from now on!

Hi MathAnx: Yes, I do feel better knowing that so many are supporting us. To be fair, H and BIL have been very close for ages, and it is touching that BIL is in our corner. I can understand H going to him, because they have always been mates - he was our best man, hy H was their best man...but younger sister and me were so alike, in appearance and our ways. BIL worshipped the ground my sis walked on... and I have always loved him (BIL)without reservation. His daughter is like my own, and my kids are like his. This is why I found it so hard when H told me he wanted out, within weeks of my sister's death. We were all so very, very close. Somehow, he made out he was suffering more - yet in reality, he was the least closest to her - because he had "detached" himself from me and my family over a year ago.

Me and BIL: We have always been very close. When he goes back to work off shore in a few weeks, his daughter will stay with us, she is ours; our family. This was never in question, and before my sis died, I told her that I would have her daughter, my beloved niece stay with us if her H went back to work. It isn't an issue, it is the most natural thing in the world for all of us. I don't blame H for going to BIL, but I am grateful that BIL has given us his complete support.

Timeforme: Thank you; I've been ok today, but it is small steps. I never wanted this to happen, but I am doing my best to cope.

I really think BTW, that there is another woman; daughter told me earlier that she saw H sending a text to someone a week or so ago, and sending loads of kisses at the end. When she asked him who it was, he said someone at work who he is friendly with. I honestly don't care. If she is the one he's blown the family apart for - then she isn't available right now - which is why he is staying in a lousy bed and breakfast. And to be honest she is welcome to him!

Saffysmum
You sound so much better and I bet the atmosphere at home is a lot nicer.'I am so glad he left before the exams after all. It seemed to men he was a comPlete loose cannon and really someone you and the kids could do without at this time. Not surprised to here he tried to make it seem that it was your fault to have them find out about it but yourDCs saw through that!

Now that's the spirit. You're strapped onto a roller coaster of sorts right now, but at least you're no longer trying to hold everything down and shield everyone from reality. The lid has been blown off for a while now actually, and your instinct to save your family from the fallout are so good and so true -- and of course are still needed because you're the grown up here, but you need to also look out for yourself and to do what you need to do for you.

Oh Saffysmum, good for you. You sound wonderful and I am glad you have such lovely DCs and BIL. x

Morning

Thanks all for your messages of support since I last posted, just don't know what I would have done without you all.

Eldest son returned home last night after his weekend away, and he's fine. Said how much nice the atmosphere is at home - he noticed it immediately. Both daughters are fine, yesterday I took them and their boyfriends and youngest lad and his friend to the seaside for the day, and we had such a brilliant time. Daughter said isn't it lovely without dad here, he always spoilt days out! (And he always said it was me!).

Just told parents, waited until kids went to school, and got them round here. They are shocked and I bit stunned, but took it better than I could hope for. Both are coming back to see kids later when they're home from school. They've reassured me that they are 100% behind me and the kids. Think it will take a day or two for them to get used to the idea, but they seem ok, considering.

Such a relief. Told a few other people as well, and we're all adjusting.

I had an awful day Saturday, weepy and wobbly, but since then, have been fine. Going into work tomorrow, will tell my line manager then.

Biggest worry is youngest son, who was fine yesterday with his friend - but quiet and withdrawn since then. Told me he wants his dad back and for everything to be as it was. Told him that he can see dad whenever he wants to.

Girls don't want to see him at all - which is surprising - it's been almost a week.

Still, early days.
X

You sound like a woman who has had a weight lifted off her shoulders, Saffy, despite the wobbly day.

Don't expect your DDs to want to see their dad. Pornography is very shocking to teenage girls when they come face to face with it in their own home and they realise the lines their own parent has crossed.

Lots of hugs for your DS. Hope he realises this is not his fault and that there is nothing he can do to remedy the situation, that it's just between you and the H and that you both love him the same, just can't live together. Reassure him that you will both take care of him in your own way and if you think it wouldn't have a negative effect, make sure you do all you can to keep your H to his old routine with the DS (sports etc.)

Saffy good to see your update. I agree with Math about your daughters' reaction.

Regarding your DS, if it seems like he's bottling things up, it might be worth a private bedtime chat where you ask a few open questions - ones that won't get a yes, no, okay or "fine" response, so beloved of boys between 8 and 18!

You could ask him what thoughts he's had about Dad leaving? What is he looking forward to most at the moment? What has he told friends? What worries does he have, if any? What does he hope will happen? Gently does it, a couple of those questions at a time might start to open the dialogue.

The other suggestion I've often given to parents of younger DCs is to institute a "worry box" that can either be anonymised or signed. Then have a family discussion about what's bothering whom.

I'm glad your parents were supportive. They have a huge role to play in supporting the GCs as well as you.

Thank you MathAnx and WWIFN.

Yesterday H phoned to ask me if it was ok for him to pick up YS, with YS's computer to get it upgraded. I said fine (spoke only when I had too, cool and business like). He then picked up DS and off they went. When they returned H went upstairs with the computer to set it up again. YS in kitchen with me, chatting away as I was cooking dinner. Then H came in and it was really weird - I continued chatting to DS, and ignored H. H just hovered around like a bad smell, then said, "right, I'll be off then". I said "bye" and as he got to the door, said "your post is on the table in the hall". He said "ok, bye then" and sort of hovered again. Then he went. It seemed like he wanted to talk?

Then an hour later (this seriously pissed me off), daughter (who found the porn) came downstairs crying (first time she's shown any distress). H had texted her saying that he missed her and that he loved her and that he could really do with a hug! Can you believe that? This is the man who didn't even put him arm around me at sister's funeral - who hasn't touched or kissed me for a year. Who moved away when I turned to him when we got the diagnosis about sister. AND HE NEEDS A HUG! From the daughter who is coping with finding him watching girls her age (or thereabouts) on the family computer doing degrading, disgusting stuff.

What the hell is going on in his head?

Neither girls want to see him - its been a week, I've reassured them that its me that has problems with their D, and they must do what they want re contact with him, they must take it at their own speed. Yet he keeps texting them, asking them for contact. DOES HE NOT REALISE WHAT HE'S DONE?

As for youngest lad, he seems better today, brought a friend home with him from school and they had a right old laugh together. WWIFN: I have done the open questions, very slowly and gently, he seems ok. Because he doesn't know as much as the older ones, he isn't angry with dad, which is good. He is the only one who has said he wants him back here and for everything to be the way it was.

Mum and dad are reeling today - think it's catching up with them. I cannot believe this stupid silly selfish man has done so much damage.

Got solicitors appointment next week.

Eldest son has a couple of free periods today for revision, when I got home him and his mate had moved all H's stuff (weights, treadmill, etc) into the garage, and shoved the rest of his stuff in bin liners. Eldest son hasn't contacted him or responded to any texts.

Thanks X

I am moved reading your updates saffy

keep 'em coming

don't forget the lurkers too, who will be gaining strength from reading how things can be done out of such a shitty situation

I think your DC's are remarkable especially your elder DS who sounds like a real gem. You have the making sof a truely remarkable man there. I think this will be a lesson for him how not to treat your wife and family

Saffy when l read back to your original post l can't believe how far you have come in such a short space of time..

respect to you sister

No, he does not want to realise what he has done, and he is operating at a profoundly selfish and self-absorbed level - he has been doing this for a long time. There is probably no way to get him to accept the truth about his behaviour or to accept that he must now suck up the consequences. Stupid, silly, selfish hit the nail on the head here. There is no need for your DD to feel she has to reconcile, ever. I would be inclined to get your DD a new phone. It's a small price to pay, albeit a major inconvenience, but the risk of exposure to further hurt by her father is worse.

When my ex realised that DD1 had found porn on the family computer he had the nerve to ask me to tell her his pathetic and untrue excuse, rather than facing her and her wrath himself. He was and remains afraid of DD1, who is far brighter than him, and far more capable of playing a long game, sticking to her guns, living her own life and not looking back. exH otoh is too needy or he has ego problems that demand constant feeding; he needs to feel that everyone approves of him, he shies away from looking squarely at his actions and accepting their consequences -- having DD1's forgiveness or acceptance would mean that he could paper over his own faults and pretend that he is perfect and it's everyone else who has the issues, which was his line for years. DD1 is happy to be in a minority of one, always was.

Have that computer (DS's) examined by a professional.

Thank you AF - you made me blush!
Thank you Doha: my sister was an incredible woman, she was strong and brave and had such dignity. If I am half the woman she was, then I will be blessed. I draw my strength from thinking how she coped, and said to us all "be strong for be, don't waver, because I will beat this". Then at the end, she said, "I'm not afraid". A remarkable woman. (Tears in my eyes now, but of pride).
X

MathAnx: You are so right and wise. If he can get the girls onside, then as you say he thinks that the cracks can be papered over. You hit the nail on the head. He doesn't want to see the kids for their sake - but for his - to make him feel better? That's what I think. This man has no idea of what he's done - or what he's lost. Your daughter sounds wonderful - what a lovely girl.
X