Dumpling no more? Only the strong survive and we did no. 4

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support

I have no idea what that means starting,but I will mark it as a positive achievement.
Went to see my pals lambs today ,dd and Ds cuddling them .Another one just been born lots of twins.

Sorry X is being an arse x

Hi all. Haven't posted in a few weeks as all has been ticking along.

Had organised last month to purchase H's share of the family home. I applied for maintenance, as I haven't had a bean since he left. He was very upset about this as he said that he could not afford £60 per week for the 2 DC.

I went round today to collect the DC and the door was answered by a heavily pregnant GF. The DC then peep up "We're having a baby". DC were having so much fun with H that they wouldn't come with me and he did not make them or encourage them.

Had a bit of an argument with H on the doorstep about the fact that he had hidden this, despite me having a cheque for £50k to give him and having said that he can delay paying child maintenance if he was feeling the pinch. His GF told me that it was my fault that he doesn't phone or see his children as I'm always so horrible. That I can't blame him from moving on. That they are broke and the new baby has nothing ready for it.

There was lots more said but it was around a child protection area, which I'd better not disclose on here.

I feel so utterly useless. Unloved. Even my children, who I have worked my ass off for since H left in May last year didn't want to come home. Right now, if I could run away, I would.

WHY? Why, just when you think you've dealt with everything that you might have to face, does he think he can just throw something else in to the equation. He's now going back to his solicitor to see if he can get more money from me (out of the home) despite me obviously having to care for his first children. GF also has an 8 year old DD who doesn't live with her...so three children all living elsewhere.

God. Please tell me if you think I'm overreacting and need to get a grip.

Thanks Patience & likewise sister in solidarity

DCS, oh God I do not think you are over-reacting & that sounds horrific. Had you no idea the GF was pg?? On a practical level you need to get legal advice on the finances. If he's not in a position to pay maintenance could you have some of the lump sum put into a trust fund so that maintenance could be paid from this? On an emotional level ((Hugs)). Can you get any RL support atm?? Keep dumping on here also as it sounds like you're going to need as much support as possible. I know it's very painful about the dc's not wanting to come but try to look at it as being the novelty factor.

Thanks Starting. I've just booked a Relate appointment for tomorrow night to help me get all this into perspective.

I had no idea that she was PG. H didn't tell me, yet there has been many drunken phone calls lately complaining about how crap his life is and how little money he has.

The CSA bizarrely telephone me yesterday and stated that they didn't think they should pursue this as H wouldn't give them his bank details. They suspended the case and the arrears and said that I should sort it out privately with him. This was before I found out about the pregnancy so am wondering whether H told CSA of his "difficulties".

Family lawyer won't return my calls, never has. Divorce hasn't progressed a jot since last June, when I found out about GF. I am working 25 hours a week in a shitty little job to make ends meet. All of the money I have went into the house, as did H's. There is £115k equity in the house, and I was paying H £45000. Only one mortgage company will lend to me, as I only earn £9000 per year.

I am terrified that an order will be put on the house, meaning that I have to pay H out in 12 years time, when youngest DC turns 18. It feels like I will have to spend next 12 years as a Mother, and when my children are old enough to flee the nest, I am then made homeless as my job is done as Mother. H then nets 50% of the profits, after raising his new family nicely for twelve years.

I seriously kick-ass as a mother. I provide for my children perfectly. H has not been involved and done piss all. On my meagre salary, and paying whole of the house loan, I send my children to gymnastics, swimming lessons, drama and beavers. I run a car. I know that, at ages 8 and 6, the DC won't understand what sacrifices / hard graft I'm doing for them but right now, today, this minute, I am utterly fucked off.

To have to deal with this bombshell and then leave non-responding DC at H's has killed me today.

Sun - you poor thing, I feel so bad for you, you must feel so shit.

You cant let him hold that over your for the next 12 years for him to then get 50%, try as hard as you can to get him to finalise now, so you can get whats due to you, surely his guilt should help this.

Dev - I admire your strength, you are doing so well in such awful circumstances. I feel sick when I even think about the other woman let alone see her on a almost daily basis.

Thanks Romney. Wine is dulling me. must go to bed soon. Am tired of weeping and wailing, 'tis not good for a Dumpling no More...

Sun - I know how you feel, I think if I found out my H's OW was pregnant I would be devastated, that is what apparently he and OW want, children! he is 53 she is 27, and never in our years together did he mention that he wanted more children.

Today is a bad day, tomorrow will be better, I know now when I have a bad day that the next day will probably be a better day! Sleep as well as you can and weep as much as you want.

Jesus Christ........Sunhill, what a kick in the teeth. i can't imagine a much worse day than you've had today. I'm so so sorry. when I found about my exh brand new offspring (I still can't say the b word) my sol said that in law his new b came before our older DC. I can't remember why cause I was so dazed, shocked, confused, devastated at the time. It doesn't seem likely now Sunhill that you'll get any maintenance from him so try and fight tooth and nail not to have to give him any more money. You've been treated so badly. If the family lawyer won't answer your calls then you need to find another one ASAP.

Keep strong. xxx

Romney, I remember that earlier in the Dumpling threads I mentioned that H having a new DC would be my worst nightmare. And now it's true.

Pinksmarties, thanks for your post. I can't think straight. I feel sick. I feel that I could gently bow out of everything and noone would notice. Worthless.

Sunhill - I know why your must feel like that and I thought like that for so long, but you have to carry on. I cant believe how cruel and selfish these men can be, it totally astounds me.

I fear that it will only be a matter of time before I hear similar news, and in a way I hope I dont find out.

Keep strong Sunhill.

Ah DCS, that's really dispicable that he didn't have the respect at least to forewarn you. I'm glad you've helped to numb yourself for tonight at least with the wine & relate sounds like a really good idea for tomorrow. I think Pink is right though you really will have to fight tooth & nail to get what you can for you & dc's. I certainly wouldn't be handing over the cheque until you've got legal advice & like Pink says if you can't contact your solicitor you might have to look into getting another one. God, I really feel for you DCS ((hugs))

Hi Sunhill. I am so sorry. I wish that we could all be there in RL for you but keep posting on here. I know, or I think I know, that if an exh has children with new partner then you get less maintenance, which I have always found very hard to fathom...I worry about my exh having kids with his gf too. It sounds like it is a complete mess at his end. Child protection issues - her kids not living with her (which as a teacher I know to be HIGHLY unusual) and your ex not exactly sounding over the moon about anything.
I agree that if your sol won't answer your calls it is time to immediately get a new one, or in the short term go immediately to CAB. I realise this is probably the last thing you want to do atm, as you are reeling from the news, but you must try and do it lovely lady. DON'T give him the cheque and take legal advice first, about maintenance and the house. You shouldn't have to have any part of the house "bound over" for him if you now are the sole owner on the deeds but go to CAB straight away and check. Get the practical and legal things as clear as possible now, as this will ultimately give you space to deal with the emotional issues. As for your kids not wanting to leave - think absolutely nothing of it. They are kids, in a house that is all new to them, thinking in a childish, immature way about a baby. They know nothing of life, bless them, and certainly have no concept at that age of what you are feeling. Also, I know you can't discuss child protection issues on here but if new woman does not have her dc because of one of these issues then you need to seek legal advice about whether exh should have unsupervised access to your kids if she is there when they visit.
All my love - stay strong - you are in the middle of the storm, or it's just hit, but you will get through this xxx

Sunhill, the thought of my H having a new dh was my very very worst nightmare too. I found out in the sols office.......after it was born. I remember thinking 'the worst has now happened, there's nothing worse he can do to me'.

The thought of another dc calling him daddy makes my stomach churn. It's so so wrong. You'll get used to it. You will.

You are not worthless, YOU ARE WORTH TONS AND TONS AND TONS.

Have you got good friends/family ? Go to bed and cry and watch telly and listen to the radio. whatever you need to distract you. It's shit but you'll get through it I promise.

Your H is a wanker and his gf sounds like a cow. It won't all be a bed of roses for them. IME babies test relationships to the max and if they are that hard up then it'll be a huge strain.

It must hurt so much what with your DC being all exited but they might be being whipped up in a sort of fake frenzy deliberately by exh and gf. Try not to worry about it, fucking annoying though it is. They love you and they need you. Life is short and your h is an areshole, let him rot.

I hope you're on ADs, they saved my life. x

Goo, that is a very good point you have raised about the child protection issues & access!!

Hello everyone,
Here's me all set up in Ireland now! Give or take a few boxes! My broadband is v wonky and temperamental due to proximity of the mountains so I may not get on as often as before. So far i have settled v well, i love my house and garden and it is so fab being close to my family again. The boys are all happy and my 8yr old is enjoying school and more freedom to go places without me all the time. X has been once, he stayed elsewhere but spent a lot of time around here which got on my nerves big time. He comes back again on thursday for a few days again. I'll grin and bear it!
DCs What a harrowing time for you. I hope you get on top of this one soon. Kids can be v disloyal but they will catch on fast that you are the one that has always put them first and come round again to you. Like the others say keep that cheque on hold and do whatever makes you feel better for a few days.
I will catch up on this thread again soon waves to starting, getting, googs, patience,pink,rom,happy,elsie.
xxx

Hi Maybee!!!!!!!
SO glad things are working out for you - I knew you'd all be happy back home x
Never mind about ex - you can grin and he can bear it eh?! :) Keep posting - we want a N Ireland meet up lovely fabulous woman! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Maybe good on you for the move, really pleased you are happy and love your new home.

I have a small house I rent out on the Kent coast about 2 min walk from the beach. My dream is to one day move there, it's one thing that keeps me going.

Ooh Rom - have you got a website? Might be interested :)

Waves to everyone,mf how did it go?
Sov how Ru ?
MB good to hear from u.
Dcs thinking of u ,big hugs,I agree if lawyer not happening not fucking good enough ,u need to boot his sorry arse into touch.u might not get any maintenance atm but protect the money u have.just remember this is a marathon not a sprint,u will flourish x

"just remember this is a marathon not a sprint,u will flourish" v wise words!!

Starting all I know is we were comfortable moneywise,never rich but no debt,yearly holidays a bit of money in the bank.that is all gone ,chances are I won't get money for the kids .chances are we will struggle for a few years but u know what fuck it ,the guy is a complete arse for putting us through this ,he will have to live with this forever ,long after I have healed and moved on.he can do what he likes with his life now and I will do what I like .

Morning everyone

DCS what a shattering situation and your ex is a complete shit for letting you find out gf is pregnant like that. Hang onto the cheque and find a reputable family law solicitor asap , sending you hugs

Maybee lovely to see you and I am glad your move has been a success

I am aching all over from packing but doing well and hoping we exchange contracts today moving in a week now

Feels strange and keep encountering tear jerking stuff , my own fault for hoarding every bit of memorobilia imaginable but I am quietly getting through it all.

The dc are helping me loads which is lovely and they are really excited so thats helping me keep smiling atm

XH will be coming probably today to do loads of stuff , I find it strange having him here because its been so few times in the last 16 months its like having an extra in a film around the place

If I find my mouth going down turned I just think how close I am to the finish line now and everything will soon be in place

Waves to everyone you know who you are

Thanks ladies. You all are so kind.

I barely slept last night. The "heart attack" type of pain that I had when H first left is back. I feel utterly bereft.

I've telephoned the CSA and they have reinstated the claim. Thought it was better to have a middle man. I've not had any money in over a year though so I won't hold my breath. They are going to telephone him today which makes me feel anxious as my DC are with him and I am scared that he will take his temper out on them, or start to discuss inappropriate things with them.

Why do I feel so guilty in taking money from him?

In my doorstep confrontation with the pair of them, H and GF were telling me that this is basically all my fault for "kicking him out and calling the police on him". GF has no idea of the control and abuse behind the scenes, and the fact that I had to call the police because he was acting so strange. No doubt all his family believe and feel the same.

GF is accepting of his drink driving. The child protection issue is towards a member of H's family, who I have forbidden the children to have contact with. GF yesterday stated that she has assessed the risk and has decided that her children and the new baby will have contact with this man.

In some way, it was good to hear that H had shared the child proteaction "secret" with her as it's a secret that I have carried around for 13 years and now perhaps I can let it go.

The money is not yet ready for the house, I think last night I was metaphorically talking about a cheque for him.He still owns a share and has not yet signed the papers to give me sole ownership. The future now seems scary.

My mum is in intensive care in hospital and she has been taking so much of my energy understandably. Someone drove into the back of me four weeks ago and I'm still having physio for a poorly shoulder. I am normally an upbeat positive person but, today, I could simply disapper.

I'm looking forward to Relate tonight.

Yes dcs have a good off load tonite,good for u re csa,can u organise a third party for pick ups and dropping off kids.glad u have got time re house money.can u break down each issue into little bits.top of ur list is You.would a massage help ur shoulder ,anything including relaxation.This is a pile on ur plate ,but with help and advice u will do it,big hugs and best wishes to ur mum x

Waves to getting,I remember the removal neck and shoulder packing pain.Def get a massage massage