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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband kicked DD1, am leaving in the morning

207 replies

lucyintheskywithdinos · 01/04/2011 00:34

I'm sat here in floods, twat is in the other bedroom. Anyone around to keep me company?

We were having a tough bedtime, not unusual. DD1 4 is bouncing happily around, we're both grumpy. She jumps on him, he kicks her. I'm horrified, he doesn't react until after me. Since he has been trying to tell me he 'moved her with his leg' but is now admitting it. DD1 has only just gone to sleep.

Fuck. Am calming down again now, will pack bag tomorrow and go stay with my Mum. What do I need to take? Am going to run to the toilet now.

OP posts:
FABsBackAndIsWell · 03/04/2011 14:24

Why did he hit the cat and is the cat okay?

helpmeifyoucan · 03/04/2011 14:32

I would second BertieBotts Lundy Bancroft suggestion.

Original poster
lucyintheskywithdinos · 03/04/2011 14:36

The cat seems fine, he hit the cat on the bum as cat was sitting down, so not much chance of injury. He hit the cat because cat was in the way sat down in front of his feet.

OP posts:
FABsBackAndIsWell · 03/04/2011 14:37

That is awful.

Original poster
lucyintheskywithdinos · 03/04/2011 15:26

I'm lonely and sad.

I want him back...not the man he is now, but the really lovely man he was when we got together 11 years ago.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 03/04/2011 15:27

oh lucy - of course you do! That's a natural reaction. Hope he does take this all seriously and finds a way to get through his anger issues.

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 15:28

i remember feeeling like that lucy,when i split with my ex it seemed easier to just have him back. but those feelings did pass eventually,and i'm glad i stuck it out.

its like you're in mourning,grieving almost

Jacksmania · 03/04/2011 16:24

((((LUCY))))
Of course you're lonely and sad. Completely understandable. I so hope he gets the help he needs. Thinking of you.
(Sorry nothing really helpful to add but wanted to add my support rather than not post Blush.)

ladysybil · 03/04/2011 16:30

i read teh op this morning, but havent posted as was too appalled. However have been thinking about it all day. As their mom, I know that i have at times, been far too physical with my kids. I even left them at home alone and walked out the door, driving a good five or six miles away before calming down/coming to my senses and coming back home to some very worried little ones. If i could be forgiven for that lapse in judgement, then why cant the father of this little girl?

I'm not saying that its right to kick a child, or leave them at home alone coz you have lost the plot. I'm wondering if the rules are different for mothers and fathers..

plopplopquack · 03/04/2011 18:26

ladysybil I think you are right. As I said earlier up the thread I have smacked a few times (which isn't something I want to do) and I have shouted and said bad words (again something I never intend to do). None of us are perfect and it is bloody hard being a parent with the stress and the pressures, it brings out a new side of us sometimes that we need to learn to deal with. I remember my dad smacking my legs, I doubt he was proud of it but I don't hold it against him. He was doing his best as we all do.

I also agree with wannabe when she said-
Imagine if someone posted on here "last night I lost it big time and I lashed out at ds. Now dh says it's over and he's taken the kids because he doesn't trust me with them." Would people be saying what a wonderful caring daddy he was for keeping his children safe? Or would they be saying "op, you lashed out, everyone makes mistakes, you know you were in the wrong, and if you feel you lost control you perhaps need to get some help to deal with those issues, but your dh cannot take the children away from their mummy."

plopplopquack · 03/04/2011 18:35

I have been thinking about this all day and keep thinking to myself about your childhood OP. It is hard to know exactly the situation in your house from your brief descriptions but I do wonder (trying to think how to put this . . . ) if your own views of what has happened are skewed by your own childhood. (pretty sure I'll get ripped apart and it's not helping that I can't seem to explain this very well!) We are all products of our upbringings I think is what I'm trying to say, and the way we see things depends on that.

During my childhood there was violence. When I then went into an abusive relationship I didnt notice so much because it seemed normal. Now that I'm in a happy relationship, even if my DH even raises his voice I get scared and think there is more to it then there is and worry about what he is going to do.

I'm doing an incredibly bad job of explaining this which is weird because when I was walking down the road earlier I wrote it in my head and it was very clear. If someone can understand and put this more eloquently I'd be grateful.

KeepCalmAndCurryOn · 03/04/2011 19:00

Brave post, Plop

plopplopquack · 03/04/2011 19:06

Or stupid! No, I actually mean it in the nicest way and I do mean to help the OP as I feel I can relate a bit but for some reason my brain isn't working! Might have to try and explain again when I can make more sense as I'm sure people will think I'm saying that she's imagining it or something which isn't what I think at all. Oh crap!

swallowedAfly · 03/04/2011 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

plopplopquack · 03/04/2011 19:39

I've accidently pulled mine's hair. Brushing their hair, they started running off and I held on for a second too long. Ouch!

mathanxiety · 03/04/2011 22:46

Well I only found out after separating from exH about a kicking incident involving one of the DDs and exH, and it is constantly on my mind that there may have been more, that the DCs can't remember or things they don't want to talk about. I was in the house when he kicked the DD but not in the room.

Lucy, he kicked the child because he could dominate her; she is smaller than him and wouldn't kick back out of fear. He kicked the cat because of the same need to dominate and the same knowledge that he wouldn't be kicked back. Not because the cat was sitting in his way but because he wanted to both get the cat out of his way and dominate both the cat and everyone who saw the incident. There is an element here of demonstrating that he will brook no challenge to some supposed position of authority that he thinks he has. Kicking the cat was intimidation in other words.

I think if he was serious about getting help or acknowledging problems he would have reached down and moved the cat gently out of the way.

CalamityKate · 03/04/2011 23:38

Plop I got what you mean.

It's like someone who is scared of spiders mistaking every puff of cotton on the carpet for a spider - seeing things that aren't there, because they fear it so much.

BluddyMoFo · 03/04/2011 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 23:58

what is? someones relationship being in trouble?

ElenStone · 04/04/2011 01:04

I agree mathanxiety. He's obviously using people who won't fight back as an outlet for his anger.

I do think though, if he does the work to get to the root of the anger, he could work through it and come out the other side a different person. I had similar problems with anger when I was a teenager as a result of some stuff that happened when I was a kid and I managed to work through it (I didn't kick kids or cats though, just beat the bejesus out of a girl I caught dropkicking cats and stubbing cigarettes out on a dogs nose!)

FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 01:16

He sounds like he has anger issues and needs anger management.

With regards the finances you are going to have to give the card back and claim benefits, he will have to support you via child maintenance, he is obviously going to need the bulk of the money to pay for a seperate place to live, and by rights if he earns it it is his not yours to decide how it is spent.

plopplopquack · 04/04/2011 10:58

CalamityKate thanks for getting me!

There could be 2 extremes to this.

  1. He hit the child, kicked the child and hit the cat.
  1. Gave the child a tap/smack as a warning/punishment which obviously wasn't the way OP wanted to parent, and so he agreed not to do things that way again. Some time later moved the child with his foot whilst annoyed and tapped cat on bum to move out of way.

I think if it's the second it would still not be the way the OP wants things to be in her house and she would be more sensitive to this due to her own childhood.

It's impossible to know though going by the descriptions as you change a word here and there and it takes on completely different meanings.

IntergalacticHussy · 04/04/2011 11:22

Lucy, it sounds like you're staying with him, and letting him stay because it's easier.

What a cop out. You know anger management takes years to have even the tiniest effect, and in the meantime anything could happen.

I was so proud of you for leaving in the first place, and everyone was shouting 'stay angry!' for a reason; like your own mother, you are choosing to stay with an abusive man, despite the future consequences for your children.

You're letting dreamy ideals of love and committment endanger the little people you love the most.

It's cowardly of you.

kerstina · 04/04/2011 11:35

Elenstone think I might need restraining if I saw someone abusing animals like that too.Sad Read somewhere that RSPCA and NCPCC share info as animal abusers often go onto abuse children.
I understand what you are saying too the OP may be hypersensitive to any physical action. She has made it plain to her husband she will not tolerate this and he should take notice .He would be aware of OP s background.

kerstina · 04/04/2011 11:41

Go back and read posts properly Intergalactic hussy she has asked him to leave again.

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