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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband kicked DD1, am leaving in the morning

207 replies

lucyintheskywithdinos · 01/04/2011 00:34

I'm sat here in floods, twat is in the other bedroom. Anyone around to keep me company?

We were having a tough bedtime, not unusual. DD1 4 is bouncing happily around, we're both grumpy. She jumps on him, he kicks her. I'm horrified, he doesn't react until after me. Since he has been trying to tell me he 'moved her with his leg' but is now admitting it. DD1 has only just gone to sleep.

Fuck. Am calming down again now, will pack bag tomorrow and go stay with my Mum. What do I need to take? Am going to run to the toilet now.

OP posts:
dizietsma · 03/04/2011 00:31

Disagree with you Wannabe. Completely inappropriate to bring the smacking debate into a thread of this sort, I think it would be best if everyone would take their opinions/justifications elsewhere.

Stay strong lucy, you did the right thing.

Original poster
lucyintheskywithdinos · 03/04/2011 11:17

I'm ignoring the debating. But well done, those of you you thought I was overreacting, my friend thought the same, because her partner has.done similar and convinced me to return.

This morning he hit the cat, again an impulsive angry lash out. Lots of you will think I'm mad again, but I have asked him to leave. He actually said thank you on his way out as he knows he needs serious help to deal with his anger, now he might actually have the.motivation to do it.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 11:19

so you had let him back?

Bucharest · 03/04/2011 11:25

And he's gone again?

Original poster
lucyintheskywithdinos · 03/04/2011 11:27

Yes and yes

OP posts:
Stac2011 · 03/04/2011 11:28

it will just get worse if you keep puting up with it, will the next step be hitting you? Obviously he cant control himself you have to stay strong then maybe he will get help

junojuno · 03/04/2011 11:32

Haven't read all posts. My DH did this once in similar circumstances. DS didn't want to go to bed and after several attempts at rapid return kicked DH. DH kicked back.

There is a huge range of responses in between thinking it is OK and throwing him out for good. If he has anger management issues and recognises this is a good start. Asking him to leave for a while, also good.

I think it's a good thing to teach children that adults can behave badly and have to work at their problems, but that in a family people will still love you whilst you work it out.

I'm not condoning DV at all. I'm just saying I think OP has acted very sensibly. No thR behaviour will not be tolerated but it doesnt mean their marriage is over.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 03/04/2011 11:33

Stick to your guns. He needs to deal with his anger issues. It's in his long term interests too. Imagine how he'd feel if his lashing out in temper had hurt his DD? If he can't control his reactions he needs help.

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 11:37

how do you feel about it all now Lucy??

fwiw i let my ex back one last tiem,as i did wonder if having him leave had made him see sense....no,it hadnt

Original poster
lucyintheskywithdinos · 03/04/2011 11:49

I feel panicky, the DDs are stressyand my mum isn't answering her phone. Have asked him to email me on Tuesday, hopefully he'll be on the way to getting help and we can talk.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 11:51

what help tho?? if its anger management,dont pin your hopes on it,in my experience it doesnt work. not with everyone. and nothing is an overnight cure.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 03/04/2011 11:56

I am amazed that anyone would imagine the OP would chuck her OH out on a whim. It is obvious there is more to this than a grumpy parent giving a child a smack.

Asking an OP to leave or leaving yourself is a huge decision. If it wasnt why would so many women stay in dangerous situations?

Lucy I hope things work out for the very best. I do believe that people can change and grow. I wouldnt write him off but I think you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
lucyintheskywithdinos · 03/04/2011 12:02

I don't know what help, but our relationship depends on him proving that he has had help that has actually helped. Am keeping busy by doing washing and will make a picnic lunch to have in the garden soon.

Feels oddly lonely, mum is coming round tomorrow.

OP posts:
EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 03/04/2011 12:06

Most 'help' depends upon the person actually recognising that they have a problem, wanting to change and putting the work in. You can't make someone change.

Flisspaps · 03/04/2011 12:07

Lucy. I think you're doing the right thing making him leave. He hit your child then promised 'never again'. Then he kicked her, and said 'never again', but within hours of being back in the house, hit the cat as an impulsive angry lash out.

I hope that he does seek anger management help. And I hope that you very seriously consider not allowing him to set foot in the house again until he has not only sought help, but actually undergone it. It's not worth risking your children's, or your own, safety especially as he's lashed out TWICE in a matter of 48 hours.

Even then, he has to be very clear that any further lash outs, whether it be at the door, the dog or at another person, will result in the door being firmly closed.

Flisspaps · 03/04/2011 12:10

I would add that for me the kick to DD would have been enough to send DH packing for good, and him seeking help wouldn't shift me one bit, but I understand that everyone is different and don't want to be seen to be yet another voice shouting 'Leave him!' from behind my pc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/04/2011 12:11

Lucy,

This whole issue is not about anger; this is about power and control.

Anger management is not appropriate at all in cases of domestic violence.
He can control his temper with others but chooses instead to lash out at you and his child.

I don't think your Mum will actually be of much use to you here; I note that she stayed herself with an abusive man for years.

Would suggest you talk to Womens Aid or at the very least read their webpages.

kerstina · 03/04/2011 12:17

Just want to add my support to you Lucy. Your DH obviously has serious issues that he needs to sort out before he can be trusted to control himself near vulnerable children and animals. It was not a one off.
Thinking of you xx

Original poster
lucyintheskywithdinos · 03/04/2011 12:22

Well, he does (at the moment) recognise that his behaviour isn't normal.

I don't know what I'm going to do next his parents don't have room for him long term so as it will take a while he's going to have to get a flat, which he will resist. I have a couple of days to think first though.

OP posts:
EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 03/04/2011 12:24

Has he ever hit you?

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 12:26

well realistically,a flat will take time to obtain....so in the meantime?? this is where it all goes wrong....no money/suitable accomadation,so he returns.

a flatshare
bedsit
rented room

Flisspaps · 03/04/2011 12:27

Lucy, recognising that his behaviour isn't normal IS NOT enough.

As for his parents not having room for him long term, that is not your problem. That is HIS problem. His actions must have consequences. He is a grown man and sorting out alternative accommodation because you're not having him back in the house until you can guarantee the safety of yourself and your children is one of those. He can go to a B&B or stay on a friend's floor/sofa.

thumbwitch · 03/04/2011 12:40

Lucy only you can know whether or not your H is honestly remorseful, and whether or not he is prepared to do some serious change work to stop this happening again.

It is possible - but he has to believe he has a real problem, and he really has to want to change it, or anger management classes/counselling will be of zero use.

I hate to jump on the "depression bandwagon" - but is there anything else going on? Is he stressed/depressed? Is there something/anything he could discuss with the GP and get some help there? Or is he just a bad-tempered git who lashes out because he can't be bothered to control his impulses?

I hope that he does seriously want to do something about the situation - but he has to commit to doing it. Preferably while living elsewhere. And having seen the GP.

Original poster
lucyintheskywithdinos · 03/04/2011 12:54

I meant, at least he recognises that its not normal, of course it isn't enough.

I a SAHM, Home edding so money is all joint. I have the only bank card though atm. I'm going to start sorting out money tomorrow, my Mum can run round after the girls for a few hours. She won't try to dissuade me, she thankfully has learned from her mistakes. On the phone she simply agreed with me.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 03/04/2011 14:19

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book? I don't know whether it is 100% appropriate to your situation or not, but it can't hurt to read it. There is a really good, long chapter about changing behaviour like this (through therapy etc) and signs that it has really changed, or whether the changes are only temporary. I think you might find it helpful :)

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