"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

[MizzyDizzy]

hariboegg

My sister was the one who copied me re decor etc, she also made a move on my DH in my presence, whilst living with me.

I gave her a place to live when she was supposedly in dire need - she wasn't in any need at all, just wanted 'out' of a relationship and told some huge lies to manipulate me into rescuing her.

To this day I believe her ideal goal was for something to happen to me, so she would step right into my life where I left off.

I don't have contact with her now.

I found keeping a sort of blog - a memory diary if you will, a useful way of balancing out what really happened - this allowed me to then make necessary decisions in a more calm way.

[MizzyDizzy]

hariboegg

I think my sister just wants what I've got (huge sense of entitlement) and due to our (mine and hers) crappy upbringing she has no respect for others boundaries, unfortunately this makes her a risk to my chosen family's (me, DH and DC's) stability. So for self preservation she had to be put at a distance.

Tbh the more I read about this stuff...I don't think people/families like ours regarding your mother and my sister are that unusual.

I gave up trying to unravel my lot a long time ago...their behaviour is so odd that for me it doesn't seem to matter how much I dwell on it, none of it will ever make any sense.

They behave how they behave...all I can do is prevent me and mine from being hurt by it all.

I understand how you feel about paying a price for your family's 'help', all I can say is for me the price was always too high.

Hopefully your counselling should help you work out where your personal boundaries lay and how much you can deal with at one time, maybe you can afford to pay the price - maybe not - only you can work out what's right for you.

Good luck for tomorrow. xx

[Snowdropfairy]

Hari

I think you have too much to sort throught all at once. The councilling will help you fouces on whats important right now.

I'm not a perfersional but i would say get you and your son in to a routine, in your own place. I understand that now you are rethinking your life because what you do with it is up to you. You can do what you want, go where you want to. There is a lot of freedom in the knowldge that you are an adult and can do what you want. But the fact that you are not getting the love and support from your mum and dad is so soul destroying.

I had a huge bust up with my husband and i had PND, a 16 month old, no friends, no family support, i was living in a new area, i didn't know how to take care of myself and the responsibility of looking after my little one was too much. I wanted to kill myself, i wanted to throw myself under a train. I didn't i got help but from the mental health team, my health visitir, my doctor and adult soical services. I worked hard to put my life back together but i will never forget how i felt on that day.

The huge hole where my families support and love should be - i was truly on my own and its fucking scary. I couldn't call my family for fear of being up down or hurt more. I just couldn't be.

In the end i went to say with my mum for a week and told that i could not live there even thou they had room. They would have seen me in a refusge or on the street. They know i was very low and they still had a go at me but my mum and my sister. My HV was so worried about me that she arranged for the HV by my mum and dad to come out and see me.But my family did not help my how i wanted or needed them too. I had 4 days of stay with them and that was them helping there daughter. Job done.

The lack of support and understanding and love is horrific to me.

Now i have sorted the things that i needed to make me feel safe and scure i can look at what is wrong with them and in the end distancing myself from them was the best thing to do for me.

But everyday i hurt because i didn't get the mum and dad i wanted.

It helps to write it down and then in a few weeks moths read it back and review it. You will be suprised at how far you will go to self healing.

Sorry i think i rambbled a lot

[thisishowifeel]

I think that the boundary thing is incredibly common.

I think that my "mother" and goldensister, are actually insanely jealous of me and my life, because despite everything I have done ok. My kids are wonderful, my career is ok. I am what they believe they should be, and they absolutely hate and detest me for it.

Hence my mother sleeping with my first h.

One thing that I've learned is that my instincts were ALWAYS bang on. The things I had a feeling they were doing, they were. There are a million examples. I now KNOW, that "mother" was the force behind the endless custody battles and court appearances, which of course inculded wicked character assassinations, every time. I knew it wasn't exh, he couldn't care less, but was very easily manipulated by her

I know that she will continue to try to destroy me. I believe that a smear campaign about me in my work was probably started by them. I know that a prolonged and personal attack on me on a workplace forum, was probably her. I have absolute proof that she was the one responsible for the near destruction of my current marriage. She didn't manage that, but it was perilious.

I can't see why she would stop now, and I am terrified of them.

[Snowdropfairy]

Thisishowifeel - that is so bad.

I think i would move and not give them my new address and move jobs.
I would completly disapper if i know my mum was out to destroy me. I would also get a restaining order.

I would want noting to do with her after she sleeped with my xhusband.

When i lose my temper i can be very nasty and even violent (as i was shown no other way) I would have let rip and told her she was too old to be me. And how did she like my left overs. I think i would have made her fear me but then i would have been as back as her

Its def about walking away and being the better person, thats what i have to learn.

To not be like my family. Finding a better way.

[RubberDuck]

AAARGH.

My mother phoned today. Instantly felt a pit of fear in my stomach as soon as the caller ID came up. She was perfectly polite though - too nice, it's got me on edge.

She's clearly brushed everything under the carpet. She will not apologise or ever admit that she's anything other than perfect. Even though logically I know this niceness is part of the cycle ("see how perfectly reasonable I can be, it's YOU who is unhinged") I'm feeling very unhinged and powerless.

Fortunately though, she's going away for a month so I'll have some breathing space before I have to speak to her again.

Sorry, snowdrop, I know you want a summary of everything. I just don't have the emotional strength to write it all out at length today - I just couldn't bear it to be out there and anyone to say see you are imagining it all, you don't know how lucky you are.

[RubberDuck]

(so unhinged I said it twice)

[Snowdropfairy]

RD - Its ok ((((hug))))

Also no one on this thread would ever say that to you.

[Snowdropfairy]

This thread is very supportive and it is a safe place to say what you want

[MizzyDizzy]

RD (((Hugs)))

You are safe here. x

[TeachMySelfBalance]

Hi everyone,
ManicPanic, here is a link to a thread about a lady that did call the police about her abusive father. Hth.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/816671-Toxic-Dad-150-sorry-a-bit-complex

Sorry, I have not read your other thread yet.

[TeachMySelfBalance]

RubberDuck,
I get the seizure from my sister on the phone. But that is rare since I don't do things her way (anymore) she won't have much to do with me.

I name changed; I used to be TooManyStuffedBears.

My mother was bipolar (back then, called manic depressive) and an alcoholic. She was either on booze or vallium. My oldest sister was adopted and had the common issues associated with abandonment. She was scapegoat child, abused physically. Middle sister was the golden child; got all of mother's attention/nurturing (that was available anyway). I am the youngest, the invisible child. I was a 'tom-boy' but really just an athlete before it was ok for girls to be athletes. I was rediculed, dismissed, degraded, ignored. Shamed into silence.

I have a good part of the list of traits for ACOA. Communication is difficult because I have the tendency to over process thoughts for the possible ways that I'll be misunderstood thus rediculed, etc. My brain scatters in 8 different directions and I find it hard to trust myself in choosing which response is the right one, or the one that is expected to be heard, iykwim. Being shamed into silence removed years of developing skills.

Dad was a good sort. Workaholic in the 60's/70's to provide for the family and probably to avoid mother. He lost his hearing in WWII so there wasn't much conversation with him. He could hear with a powerful amp type hearing aid and lip read so we could talk but spontaneous conversation just didn't happen. He was quiet; more quiet for me, but it was safe for me to be with him and I was his helper-in the workshop/farm/yard etc. But he was in denial about mother's mental health issues; oldest sister had to take her to the hospital at one point.

Mother died when I was 18 (1980) (she was 54); Dad died in 1998, I am now 49.
I studied architecture in college and graduated with honors but now realize that so much time in the studio was effectively just hiding. Still no social skills-like how to deal with office politics. I was toast in the professional setting. Being a sahm was a very easy choice. Hiding out with the dc. I have two teens-18 and 16 and our surprise angel is 3. My dh is very responsible and nice but he isn't so chatty and works long hours. His dad is very chauvanstic and dh sometimes crosses the line with degradations, but I am able to call him on it in the moment and he apologizes.

My biggest problem (besides my freight train of issues) is my middle sister who shows NPD traits (not for me to diagnose not even with decades and decades of exposure) along with codependency habits. She is single/no dc/ never had a serious relationship. She transferred herself into the matriarch role after mother died and exponentially so after father died. I was sister's golden child and oldest sister was the black sheep. She had had other targets for her supply, but then slowly driped it on to me and I got to the point where enough was enough. I set severe boundaries when pregnant and have not seen her since Christmas '07 (contact gifts for bd/xmas - and the required properly written thank you notes). She has not seen my dd2 as she was so bitchy about my pregnancy that I just didn't want to see her when I gave birth or afterwards.

Sorry for the essay. No physical abuse. For years I believed I had a normal childhood...myth. The emotional abuse was negligence, lack of nurturing, no affirmations, never advocate on my behalf. No love from mother.

[Snowdropfairy]

I have just slit my wrist but the knife was too blunt i just have scratches. Then i took a handful of paraetol but i dont think we have enough in to kill myself.

I'm so useless i cant even kill myself

I just sat here in floods of tears wishing it was easier to just die.

Rant over - thanks for listening

[Snowdropfairy]

I was late getting my pills from doctor and only had half the dose as i have ran out.

I went shopping and found out i have no money, my son is scraming at me, my husband has told his mum who i hate that we have no money and i'm getting cramping pains and think i'm losing the baby that no one else but me wants.

I think i should get get rid of the baby as i'm not a good mum as i cant even put food on the table as i cant work and my husband only got paid half wages due to have two weeks off ill.

I can cope and just want to die right now.

I think i have lost the baby.

[Snowdropfairy]

I'm ok

I will be ok

My husband thinks i'm just on a down momment.

I dont think i should have a baby if i'm like this.

[Humber]

Hi Snowdropfairy are you still online? I am a thread newbie but here if you need someone to listen

[Snowdropfairy]

I hate that my MIL knows our business and that she had to call us to tell us she knows that FIL give us money and that she is worried and to find out why we needed the money.

I'm angry that my husband told her. I hate other people being in our relationship and i just want to tell her to fuck off

[Snowdropfairy]

Its ok

Husband made me spite out all tablets and counted them.

He has locked all knifes and tablets away. He is on siacide watch again.

[Snowdropfairy]

I just cant stop crying.

I hate being like this but i just cant stop myself. I feel so bad about myself, i should be better than this.