"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Snowdrop , you ok love ?
Have had wobbles like yours in the past myself. Its good your getting treatment , and the meds will soon work properly if you keep taking them.

Keep posting , dont be embarrassed , most of us have been "down the black pit" ,you dont go through childhoods like ours and not battle depression on some level. You will beat this , i promise.

Thanks Doves

Family support worker has just left. I had 5 triggeres in 2 hours and spriled very fast.

But now i'm worried about moving house as we cant live with four people shiring a bedroom.

Life is never easy

I need a meditation to be more posative.

Snowdrop , i know what you mean...too many triggers and its like a switch gets flipped !

Carefull with changes to your meds. When i was on ads every time the dose/med was changed, id go a bit .
I also went suicidal when i tried to wean off them the first time... it took 4 years to get off the ads (after i was stable for 12 months).

Its really good you have a family support worker .

Any time you want to pm me for a chat about ads (or anything) youd be very welcome.

Thanks

After this sort of stuff it always shakes my confidence and i feel as if i'm starting for step one again

I'm just taking it easy today and i will sort everything out tomoro.

Also yes its like a switch that goes.

step one is still one step in the right direction !

Taking it easy is good. Be kind to yourself. try and get some pampering done....i know it sounds daft but it really does help get that confidence back...heck even a nice bubble bath will do !

Snowdrop , i like you . You are funny and kind and sweet and always have time to comfort and help other posters . When you talk about your dh and son , there is such warmth and affection... you really love your little family. And from what you say about them , they love you too.

I wish you were my RL friend and not just a Mn friend. Give yourslf a hug and a and put your feet up lass.

Thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me

.

I have a question, my head is all fuzzy at the mo and i'm not sure if i'm being unreasonable.

My eldest sister called me last night. She has twin boys and i havn't been to see them but i did send a card via moonpig. She wanted to know when we were going over to see them. Isaid we were not due to the fact i'm not talking to mum and dad and Middle sister and Brother are not in contact anyway. We have no where to stay and its not fair on a 2 year old and pg woman to be in car for 4 hours in one day. Also we have no money right know. Its my Birthday next Wednesaday and she asked if i was doing anything then - i said no. Then she said that everytime she goes to mum's she said how much she misses my son. That its not fair to stop my son seeing his grandpearents and that he will grow up not knowing then as he is so young. I asked her to email me pic's of twins but she told me she was busy and that i should go see them!

She will not send photo's as she is trying to guilt me in to going over there - right?

Am i being mean? Unreasonable?

DH said its up to me what i want us to do as its my xfamily.

Even if i had the money i wouldn't want to go see them now!

You're not being mean.

Remember you don't have to give reasons for why you won't do something. "No" is a complete sentence! Don't give them something for them to argue you round with.

Yes, your son deserves grandparents. Put he deserves decent grandparents who love him for who he is and want the best for him. No grandparents wins over toxic grandparents every single time.

I would suggest next time you're in contact with eldest sister that you're very firm. Tell her that's the way it is and you're sorry if that hurts her, but you're not going to change your mind. Don't let her get into any tit for tat. It's her choice if she doesn't want to send photos (a painful one for you, but her choice all the same). She should respect your choices if she wants any kind of relationship with you.

Hi Snowdrop

"....she is trying to guilt me in to going over there - right?"

Yes...and from what you say she is also trying to guilt trip you about contact with your DS's grandparents.

Your sister had no need to tell you what your mum said re your DS...if your mum was that bothered about contact the logical thing is to approach you directly....not moan to your sister so she just happens to mention it to you!

As for not sending you photo's....well, that's just plain silly old game playing...same as my lot...if you want this - then you have to do as you are told! Grrr!

Glad you are feeling a bit better sweetheart. xx

I have been snooping around here for a while, and I am not sure if I am entitled to be here even. It is not me that has the family trouble, it is my DH, and it is not something he even realises, but it is very obvious to me. I have issues with my MIL, who is the best grandmother in the world, but has big issues in letting my DH go/grow up. DH was battered quite regularly when he was a child by his father, but he seems to have accepted it, and my MIL does not accept that this has any bearings on the problems he has now (problems with anger and things that I have got so used to that I can't even see anymore). Am going to lurk around here and see if anything rings any bells with me.

Welcome Femalevictormeldrw (love the name )

MD - thanks its game playing and i need to take myself out of it and just leave her to it i think. I can't force them to give pic's. I'm sad that not one of my xfamily members can be nice.

Is it too much to ask for, that my xfamily are just nice and civil to each other - to me?

I'm upset that i dont have a nice mum to get excited with about "Newbaby", to pick out clothes, to have a meal out with, to talk to and just feel like i belong to a loving extended family.

Hi femalevictormeldrew lurk all you like...

Snowdrop

"Is it too much to ask for, that my xfamily are just nice and civil to each other - to me?"

This is going to sound abrupt...but I don't know any other way of putting it...so brace yourself....xx

Yes, I think with our types of families it is asking too much. Not because we don't deserve their love and respect but because they are incapable of giving it.

They don't have the capacity to love, care and cherish others. The more we 'wish' for things to be different the more we hurt...the saddest thing of all is the only one hurting through their lack of love is us. They don't hurt because in their eyes the way they are behaving is the correct way. I now feel sorry for them (my blood family) rather than myself....I know what real love is they will probably go to their graves never knowing.

I didn't have the 'newbaby' joy from my lot either...tbh you really don't want to know what their opinion is regarding children, suffice to say they didn't think it was one of my best ideas!

I was lucky I had friends that shared my joy with me instead...all the things I should have done with my blood family, choosing the pram, decorating the nursery, choosing the babygro's etc I shared with my chosen family ie my friends...well, my 2 friends!

Can you 'replace' your family's input so to speak with other people who are truly happy for you Snowdrop??

Will us bunch of dysfunctional people do to share your joy with?

I did tell her but she didn't care.

Golden brother's wife is due this month so no other grandchild exsits now.

Hi hariboegg

It took me ages to make some real friends...but I was lucky I had 20 years away from my blood family...this gave me the time to establish the friendships before my latest engulfment.

Don't give up...I'm a great believer in friends being the family we chose.

Hoping you are Ok Snowdrop and I wasn't too blunt?

I just wanted to point out NONE of this has anything to do with you...you are perfect just the way you are...they are the ones who are missing out. x

Can I ask a question please? Can anyone tell me in simple terms, or point me in the right direction to what Narcisstic means? I have some idea, and I have tried googling but it brings up loads and loads of stuff. From what I do know of it, it sounds like traits in my MIL, but I want it cleared up for me!

Here you go...lots of links to other info' too...

www.bullyonline.org/workbully/npd.htm

Gone for a read now, thanks MizzyDizzy

MizzyDizzy - not too blunt just true.

Sorry i missed your post first time! then i had to get Air from nursary, make tea then bedtime stuff and when he eventually went to sleep at 10pm i was so tired i feel asleep with him!

I only have one friend and that its a distance friendship. We meet at uni and have been friends ever since. But she lives with her mum and dad and has now classed her self as A sexually! My DH thinks she is gay but not coming out! I like her cos she is none judgemental.

My other friend is a male who is very camp and i have known him since i was a baby. He is a youth councilor and works with challenging children. But we are not close at all and only see each other once every 2-3 years.

My other "friend" is an eco worrior and an anacist! She is an Enivronmental Scientist and wants to join Green Paece!

My Xfamily have never liked any of my friends and has openly insulted all of them

I have known all of then for 11+ years and everyone would help me bury a body if i needed any help

In friendships i tend to look for none judgement easygoing people. Not like my xfamily.

I keep people at a distance and i find it hard to form close relationships.

Even with my Husband i have so meny walls up and if he triggers me then they all go back up and he feels like its starting from step one again with me.

Think people find it hard to make a connection with me.

Hey Snowdrop you have more friends than me!

Your xfamily don't like your friends because they are YOUR friends...and beyond their influence. Cool!

I don't know about you but acquaintances I can pick up at will....taking the relationship to the next level where they become friends is my problem.

I think it's to do with trust...they want me to trust them as this is the natural pattern of friendships, but whenever a relationship starts getting beyond general chit chat I often find I suddenly have nothing to say! It's like my mind goes blank and I just clam up.

I don't worry about this too much though I feel that learning to trust again is part of our recovery...so at least for now am going to just go with it hoping that more friends will be made in due course.

I must admit even after 20 odd years of being with my DH it is very easy for him to say/do something completely innocent and for me to be triggered into doubting everything I ever thought I ever knew about him...we usually talk it through though and it does become easier... but doesn't seem to go away completely.

I'd love to have the self belief and peace of mind my DH does about stuff...maybe one day?