"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I had such a lovely Mother's Day. My son gave me a wonderful card that he'd obviously spent so much time on, and in church I didn't even stand up for the hymns because I was enjoying cuddling him so much (he is a giant 6 year old). I just kept thinking 'He does love me! He does love me!' We've had a rocky road and I think he feels an understandable ambivalence towards me. I just keep trying to repair, repair, repair without losing all healthy discipline boundaries. Hard job with my parents as poor role models!

hi hariboegg your mum sounds mean and selfish and horrid. What fun growing up with her. I must dash though, sorry. School run! My story another time...when I can summon the strength. :)

Hello, I have lurked for a while and admired the strength of those who post on here. I wonder if I could join you too? I have just spoken on the phone with my dad and as usual the conversation ended in an argument with him putting the phone down on me and me feeling like a child. I feel so drained yet guilty as I don't want him in my life

Welcome, Humber - simply come and sit in the circle and we will love bomb you and tell you that you must wear orange at all times.

Nah not really, just pull up a chair or tie dye beanbag

I think a good measure of whether you should have a relative in your life is if they do more harm than good. And obviously we don't mean poor old Auntie Edie should be cut off as she needs a few bits getting from the Co-Op once a week, I mean people like my mother who do damage psychologically or emotionally just by being around.

Hello Everyone

Welcome to:
Reddaisy
Islavalargeone
Ivysedai
Podsquash
Quiddity
MizzyDizzy
ManicPanic
Hariboegg
Humber

There are lots of new people and namechangers. Could we have an introduction form everyone? I'm getting confused who is who. I have read the whole thread but i'm finding it hard keeping up (not unusaly for me )

My mother has Narcissitic Personality Disorder to a high degree (she is aware of this and told me so when I was a child) andy my stepfather was an alcoholic with a sexual thing for pubescent girls. Because of this delightful set up, my stepdad got away with making my life a fucking misery from age 10, my mother had made it miserable enough before that. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder due to a number of issues caused by my upbringing. I am also an ex anorexic, ex-drug addict (heroin, methadone, crack, sleepers, take yer pick)

I haven't seen either of them for 5 years, tbh they are not really bothered, it has been a relief and has allowed me to start sorting my shit out.

Currently going through my 2nd bout of depression. On anti anxiety meds (yay! ) and having counselling. Will be having psychology input in the next few weeks. I currently have a thread in mental health called 'I was abused, should I call the police?' and I'd appreciate any input from you guys there if you feel able.

I have 1 dd who made me realise my priority was to protect her from my parents

I like to use fancy words so you will all think I am clever
I am fairly outspoken in a nice way
I am a big softy and want to give out lots of especially on this thread

Mumsnet has got me through some very hard times of late and I'm on here to help as much as I can and read Friday night naughty threads

Hi Humber

My mum, sister and my Dad all hung up on me. In fact my Dad never said goodbye on the phone he just hangs up.

I find it so upsetting that they would not listen to me even when i did not shout but i tried to point out the logic of the situation and they just would not listen and then they would hang up in frustration that i did not accept that what they think was right.

Now i just dont talk to them and i feel so much better for it.

Iremember once when i had my first period after my son and it was so havy that i was sitting on a waterproof sheet and change pad every 30 mins. I could not move or i would leak on the floor (sorry TMI). My son feel off the sofa and my husband and MIL took him to AandE to get checked out.

I had my mum screaming down the phone saying i should have gone with them and that she was coming to take my son away from me as i clearly could not look after him. It ending in her hanging up on me. Then i had my sister calling me and telling me that he was my son and i should have gone with them even if i bleed all over the waiting room and that i was a bad mum for not going and that i was pathetic and i did not desever a son as i was an unfit mother. Then she hung up on me.

Um no wounder i had PND and had such a low opioin of my skills and abilities as a mother.

I really hate them for the way they treated me. They still think that they did nothing wrong and that they were trying to help me.

Hi Snowdrop and Manic, thanks for the welcome

(takes deep breath) here's my story

I too grew up with a narcissistic mum. Complete lack of emotional support and constant put downs from her meant that we had a rubbish relationship until the day she died 10 years ago.

Looking back, my dad had severe depression my whole childhood but didn't do anything about it. He has lots of supressed anger and exhibits some frankly bizarre behaviour. In his eyes there is always someone to blame for all of life's shitty events and it was usually me (yes, I am even to blame for cancer you know). We have limited contact but I feel enormous guilt as he is old and on his own.

I have 2 gorgeous kids whom I adore. Having them has made me starkly realise what was missing from my own upbringing and what the parent/child relationship should be like. My self esteem has gone through the floor and I so envy people with seemingly normal loving families. I am having counselling and I hope that it might help me properly believe that I'm not the piece of shit they have always made me believe I am. Reading this thread also helps :)

My turn

OK so i was an accident, my mum was 40 and my dad 43. They had two girls and the golden boy. My mum didn't want me but was too far along to get rid. She had depression when i was born and went back to work when i was 2 months old leaving my 16 and 18 year old sisters to raise me. In the first 5 years i had scolds, brusies, i was put out side on a boat to sleep on the engine so she could not hear me cry, i feel throu the banniser and landing in my pram, i went under the sea when they were on holiday and my Auntie saved me and my brother would scare the hell out of me. I was allowed to wounder the streets til 10pm, i had 9pm bed time at 5 on school nights. I was never taken to the doctors or dentist - i took my self at 10 years old. It was up to me if i wanted to go to school or not and i got myself ready and wealked to school on my own at 6 yo.

I woulod get hit buy my mum, sometimes she would use a stick or pot spoon, my dad and brother would hit me so hard i would get dead legs or arms. I was shouted at and swared at and throw out oif the house to sleep on the wall at night if i was naughty. My brother would tei me up and beat me unless i could make it to the bathroom in time and lock the door.

At 15 the SS got involved and my dad told my brother he would be kick out of the house for good if he hit me again. I also pulled a knife on one of his friends that was kicking me when my mum and dad was on holiday, the friend latter got done for 2 accounts of rape. But it was my fault as i pulled a knife so i was in the wrong!

When i went to uni they ignored me and didnt help and made me pay for my room when i said with them.

When i had my son the first time i called my mum she asked if i was talking to her as she had been calling the hospital but i didn't talk to her, i was a bit busy looking after a newborn.

From before the baby was born they put me down shouted at me and took away my confidence of raising a family.

My brother would not even look at my son and didn't talk to my husband as he is disabled and there fore i'm sick to want to be with him!

I haven't talked to my brother in 10 years and i will not even as he is scum.

I'm on antidepressents for PND after a huge blowup of my whole life and i'm slowly rebuilding me and my life.

I have a 2 yo son and my husband and 2 guiny piggs and i'm 5 weeks pregnent with my second child. I have been none contact with my family for 2 months and it feels great

Oh i'm going to be 29 years old on the 13th April.

Hi again everyone...no visits for me so far...phew!

For Snowdrops benefit...and anyone else who cares to read.

Tbh I dunno where to start...

I had the usual childhood for us it would seem...neglect, beatings, being told I was too sensitive, all 'pops' were them 'only joking', dismissed, undervalued etc basically scapegoated, all their ills were my fault.

My sister was/is the goldenchild, my brother was/is the invisible child.

Had minimum contact with parents for nigh on 20 years...then they moved in next door without any prior knowledge.

I went from a confident happy go lucky person to a quivering anxiety ridden wreck over the space of 4 years.

Father would 'visit' via the back garden without invite or reason up to 4 times a day, at it's worse, it got to the point where I would jump every time there was a loud noise as he would never announce he was here...I was hyper vigilant in fight or flight mode all day every day. I got out of the shower at 2pm once and found him stood in my kitchen reading my bills. Father is also violent, so I spent 4 years in child mode being scared he would beat me should I disagree with him. Mother used to telephone (from next door!) and demand my appearance immediately in their house...didn't matter what I was doing, I had to drop everything and attend her whim or father would be around to ask why I was upsetting my mother.

Mother is a perpetual victim...the world is mean, she is too weak to cope, so needs everyone to 'look after' her. Her needs must be placed before every and anyone else's. She is not weak she is a covery manipulator and will have almighty tantrums should you NOT put her needs first. She also feeds my father's temper.

My sister is a clone of my mother...but also has no morals/ethics beyond her own bank account/ego.

My brother is a 40+ y/o man child, still dependant on my parents for his opinions...and scared of the wider world.

So, here I am trying to lose the 'hold' of them all and return to the person I was 4 years ago before I got enmeshed again in the madness that can be called 'my family'.

Forgot to say...been no contact with parents since just before xmas.

Mizzy

God they sound completely toxic, not just to say completely and utterly barking mad.

I take it as read your parents are still living next door (shudders).

In an nutshell both my ILs and BIL are toxic. They'd make a good case study for a clinical pysch and I would dearly love to get the them assessed. BIL is a narcissist and cut us off thankfully some years ago after my DH refused to help him with an outrageous request BIL put to him. How my DH who is the salt of the earth managed to survive them I do not know; I know that he left home as soon as he was able to do so.

My relationship with my parents these days is very much a superficial one. I do not buy either of them cards for either mothers or fathers day (its actually a bit easier for me as my mum does not like mothers day anyway).

I was trusted, well left actually, by my parents to get on with it from the time I was 14. Didn't realise it at the time but see it all too clearly now. My brother who I get on well with even now was and is treated differently by them (my mother sees it as her mission in life to clean house for him as he lives on his own). My brother can say jump to my mother and my mother will reply, "how high?".

Hi Attila,

Sorry Attila in my rush of explaining I forgot to say...

I am lucky...they moved house just before xmas, about a 40 min drive away, mother didn't like living in a house like ours - she felt that as they were now retired (have been for roughly 4 years hence them landing on my doorstep!) they should have something grander than us to show for all their hard work and the inconvenience of neighbours was just too much to bear.

They bought a very large, multi bedroomed detached house in the countryside - just for the two of them!

As the dutiful daughter I was/am still expected to accommodate their whims though just as if they were still next door.

Mother even told me the DC's were not having any xmas presents unless we went out on xmas day to collect them. She needs to show me her new house, money is everything to them and ego's must be fed. The withdrawal of xmas presents was done so I had to visit...this is why I still have no contact details for them...if I want contact at all I have to present my request for an address and phone number in person. I won't do it.

I managed to 'play the game' until the day they left...then went no contact as soon as me, my DH and DC's were physically able to be separate.

None of them have contact with my DC's.

During the moving process there were a lot of will we/ won't we move guff....this stress lead to my missing a period completely and all my body hair fell out!

To say I am glad to be rid of them all is an understatement.

My mother is cluster B. I don't know which particular PD she has, her GP said borderline, but that was a long time ago, and I had never heard of anything like it before.

My father just hid, usually behind a book. He simply didn't interact with us at all. My other was a serial adulterer. It was a small village. Everyone must have known. It must have been very difficult for him. He was pretty self absorbed though too, and his mother, my grandma, was an absolute nutjob, albeit a very charismatic and intelligent one. She must have been one of the first women to go to university. Education played a ludicrously important role in her life and her four children were serial over-achievers, doctors, judges and the like, and ludicrously competitive with one another, and she encouraged this. I supect that she may have had a PD too. Grandad hid too. He watched the motor racing.

My "mother" lost her dad early. There are markers for alcoholism, sexual abuse and extreme religion there. Missionaries and the like.

And so they met and married VERY quickly and had golden girl, who looks like "mother" had her hair like "mother", was dressed like "mother" and was "mother's" confidante. She was party to, from a very young age, my "mothers sexual dalliances, and got to hear ALL about it, and was asked for advice. At the age of 8 or 9.

I didn't realise that my sister was being sexually abused, all I knew was that I was excluded from the secret whispering that was happening behind the bathroom door.

There was only one photo of me as a baby. "mother" said I looked demonic. She thinks I have ESP. She thinks I am evil. She has said, in writing, that I need to "be stopped" and "when is someone going to take thisis and her problems seriously and put a stop to the damage she is causing".

Her best quote however. "she'll fight to the last drop of blood for those kids". Silly cow thought this was a bad thing!!!!!!!!!!! It had to be explained that no, that's normal!!

She has actively attempted to wreck my career, my marriage, she has tried to have my children removed, countless times, complained to SS, she complained to MHS when they said there was nothing wrong with me. I suspect that she still is actively trying to wreck my life, but then I would, because according to her, I have a persecution complex.

I'll stop there. Sorry.

Oh and she slept with my first husband. Where's Jeremy Kyle when you need him.

Carry on thisis if you need....sometimes it's good to get it all out.

Funny...religion figured big in my familys history too.

Hi Hariboegg,
I read your post about your mother (viewed on page one) with interest. Sorry I didn't have time to respond in the moment-then my thoughts were swept away by life my three year old and zing another week has gone by. (So much for excuses [bulsh] but I don't like the feeling of writing with invisible ink either, thus my feeble attempt at an apology.)

It is so heart stabbing to endure being treated that way.

Is it like she is baiting you to exist then blanks you for another superiority dig at your expense by treating you as if you were invisible?

I have thought of supplying a cardboard cutout of myself in such circumstances...or at least act like one. The dynamic is all about them and not you or me or anyone else on this thread. It is really hard to take. So I suggest beginning an emotional disconnect-that is not to say act like the cardboard cutout; but perhaps emotionally and intellectually Cardboard Cutout has a point . Don't give them any more brain space.

With all the Mother's Day discussion (mine isn't until May/US) I was thinking these ole bats probably figure if they can't shit on their dauthters, then who the hell can they shit on? Just pathetic.

Someone once said that the worst kind of bad man is the religious bad man, I think that person was correct.

Religion also hung big on my FILs side too and the dysfunction within his family is generational as well.

blush not bulsh...bulsh*.

Cluster B Personality Disorders are evidenced by dramatic, erratic behaviors and include Histrionic, Narcissistic, Antisocial and Borderline Personality Disorders.

hariboegg

I've just been back and read your post...from my completely amateur perspective it seems as if your mother is competing with you??

This happened with my mother a lot ... she couldn't stand my father giving me any positive attention at all. It's as if I was a love rival rather than her DD.

I know this sounds odd but I hope you 'get' what I mean...does this sound possible??

Hariborgg Could you tell us some more please?

I think the texting your xhundand was bad. What was she trying to achieve? How did you find out? Did you confront her?

Do you have any siblings?

Did you tell her she has no legal right to your son and its up to you if he has a relationship with her or not?

Has she always with held? Even when you were a child/teenager?

Have you used the link to see if she has a Narc personality?

When she copies you have you said anything to her?

Sorry lots of questions but there was a lot in your first post and i just want to brake it down. All of it is important and its good to write it down.

It helped me writing it all down to have a clear thinking path and to see what issuses i wanted to work on. My first set of counciling was spent going throught all my relationships and who i felt about everyone else. I didn't even get to me! But once i opened up and started looking at what was upsetting me i felt better and found a path throu the maze back to me.