I'm continuing to let my family fade away, itsme. It's funny, I was thinking about it this morning, before I read your post. I've been going through a rather odd, unplanned process of reviewing each relative according to their deeds - it's not a pretty picture. There's only one whose actions I don't condemn (the Lost Child) and he's the one I know least well!
This morning's revelation was that, the longer I go between contacts, the greater my clarity of view. Last month I decided not to return calls; there've only been a few, since I've been distancing for two years now. I'm also beginning, tentaively, to feel like I could get back in touch with a handful of real friends - without shame for my long silence. I suspect that, as my relations take up less space in my head, the extra room is slowly being filled by healthier thoughts and feelings.
But I will not actively sever contact. I'll go to weddings and funerals if I'm asked. I'll send Christmas cards. My aim is to put my family members into the same emotional place I keep for people - co-workers, friends' partners, neighbours and so on - with whom I have friendly acquaintance but do not particularly like. It's not for me to judge, only to set and affirm the boundaries of my own life. My new and, I dare say, most important boundary is that I've stopped overlooking obnoxious behaviour. I've put a lot of work into fixing my blind spots. I think that, now I've started "minding", they will choose to stay away.
I want to stress that this is the way I do things; I'm not saying it's better or worse than anyone else's approach. It's comparable to the way I dealt with my drink problem. I went to rehab, did my meetings and (still do) my steps, and, after 8 months sober, learned to drink reasonably again. It is more logical to stay away from alcohol and, I am sure, more logical for many to stay away from their families. Nonetheless, everyone's problem is their own and everyone has their individual attitude to it.
I am an alcoholic who drinks. I am a toxic family survivor who sends Christmas cards. Either of those may change in the future; I don't know, because a pivotal part of recovery is to give up 'black & white' or 'eternity' thinking! I used to envision concepts like flexibility and adaptability as soft and stretchy, like fabric or plasticine. They are gaining more assertive qualities for me now, like the insistent adaptability of life forms and the strength-giving flexibility of sprung steel.
I haven't answered your question but maybe you'll identify with some of my words?