The real reason I am not pregnant yet...

[Bewunce]

... is because dh and I have not had sex for years.

God. I hope this thread doesn't turn horrid. I really could do with having somewhere to talk about this. It is so stupid, and it is not something I could ever admit to anyone irl.

We had an enormous showdown and lots of councilling and agreed the following:

1. We love each other very much and we're sorry we let our relationship get so bad.
2. We're staying together regardless, because we like each other and adore our children and family life just works.
3. We both really want to have a sex life again. Somehow.
4. We both really want another baby, and the time is NOW.

So... we need to have sex. And for the past 4 or 5 months we have agreed that we will have sex. Definitely. Any minute now... just not tonight because of some terribly important reason. But tomorrow for sure. Without a doubt.

Oh dear.

We are both terrified. There are SO many complicated feelings that it is impossible to put it all in a forum post.

Basically, I am asking for some support to help me have sex with my husband.

And if the thread goes wrong I shall destroy this name change and never speak of it again. But I am feeling pretty wretched and some helpful replies would be good.

There are specific counsellors that can help you with this. Would you consider it?

How about starting with tonight is the night that you have a cuddle/massage? Sleep naked/semi-naked? Agree no sex yet but start with some intimacy.

Then tomorrow bath together?

And so on and so forth. You need intimacy first.

This is a very typical reason that couples go to sex therapy. Would you consider it? I couldn't speak for all therapists, but the way Relate do it, there are no 'activities' in the therapy room - nothing embarrassing, and your problem is truly not unusual.

Would you consider Relate sex therapy, or ST in general?

Good luck.

Bewunce, after our ds was born, it was too painful for me to have sex for a year so I know how you feel reg the whole want to, but don't know how.
For us, it was deep breath and jump in. That's not to say we didn't want sex anymore but we were in the habit of not.
Think back to when you had a good sex life. What were the types of things you did to work each other up? Maybe a rude text or email. An outfit? Candles, essential oils..... find something that makes you feel like the sexiest woman on earth and he will not be able to resist the twinkle in your eye.
Best of luck.

Google "sensate focus" and maybe give that a go for starters?

Are you intimate, do you sleep naked together? I'd say that was a very basic pre-requisite for resuming a sex life, naked cuddles and stroking - does you husband have any sexual issues, erectile dysfunction etc.?
How did the "no sex" come about initially, was it after a difficult birth or anything?

Sorry for all the questions.

I'm sure it can be resolved with a little effort.

i wouldnt plan a time for sex, that makes you worry and stress as the appointment gets nearer

cant you go out, have a nice meal, lots of laughs and just let things develop spontaneously

easier said than done i know :(

Agree with showofhands, that maybe no sex, and make that clear, just cuddling and touching

then move on to more touching but still no sex for quite some time

You're overthinking this. You love and like each other, you're married... snuggle up, kiss cuddle and go for it. I bet you anything you will be glad you did.

Is one of you more reluctant to have sex than the other? If so, do you know the reason why? (physical problem, past trauma, upbringing which made sex something a bit 'not nice for respectable parents to do'?) As one or oth of you has been stalling for five months, it does sound like you need professional help to untangle this. Because if the pair of you start having gritted-teeth sex in order to have another baby, this will actually make the relationship worse. Because it's not that likely that conception will occur after one incident of PIV sex, you may well have to do it a few times, and if you haven't sorted out whatever the block is WRT sex itself (which is, after all, something that people enjoy) then doing it dutifully as a means to conception will probably make the sexual activity itself very perfunctory (just PIV as quick as possible) and no fun, which will make one or both of you even leass keen to it.

Oh, and start masturbating, feel sexual again, and talk about things - if your husband is used to masturbating to porn for example, then he needs to stop and concentrate on wanting sex with you.

Yeah you need to build the intimacy back up. You can't just jump in the sack and start going at it. No wonder you both feel awkward and terrified.

The best way to eat an elephant is to carve it into bite sized, pieces.

Fear is awful. It doesn't actually matter what the fear is over, it could be a fear of flying, fear of going outside, fear of spiders, fear of intimacy. It doesn't matter, fear can be crippling.

There is only one way to overcome fear, and that is to face it. And then it truly diminishes.

I think a good way to face the fear and overcome it, is counselling, and with the right support, taking baby steps to stop the fear.

A good start is the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. Although it doesn't address intimacy problems, it deals with fear in general and can give you both some clues as to what is going on.

Can you name some of the feelings you have over this?

how ridiculous some of the replies are... sorry, but I have been in a sexless relationship and I know what it's like. You can't re-ignite it. If sex comes on the tv you are both mortified. If he's become like your brother then no amount of candles or cheeky talk is going to make you see him differently. It's much more likely that you will feel comical, ridiculous and humiliated.

Nobody is forcing the pair of you to have sex though. You both feel you ought to be having sex with each other, but the good news is, it's not compulsory. You don't have to overcome your mutual unwillingness to have sex with each other! What a chore.

whether you split up or stay together I can't say as I didn't have children when I finally ended my sexless relationship, but don't go to such lengths to do something that feels so unnatural! It wouldn't be intimate, it would be hideously awkward. I bet that's why you're really afraid to have sex with each other. Terrible situation. But would you really want to bring another baby in to a family that could snap and just dissolve one day?

Are you physical in other ways? DH and I didn't have sex for 6 months after DS was born (I didn't heal after the c-section for 4 months and then as you say, 'out of the habit') and I found that by starting to touch him more (which with a new baby seemed to have faded away) we got back to it. It started with just touching him as I went passed him in the kitchen etc, then holding his hand whilst watching tv, then stroking his hand, then cuddling in bed and finally what 'made it happen' was stroking his chest lying in bed and knowing he was getting turned on meant I got turned on. Led to the best sex from before we were married probably and it's still going on. Definitely agree that 'making an appointment' for sex just leads to the pressure when really you just need to get physical rather than have sex.

Hope that helps.

Going on holiday might help - being off the usual routine and excuses.

But I agree strongly how hard it is to start up again from nothing. Can you work on touching more, just like hugs or pats and get some sort of physical connexion going again?

If you can get over the hurdle of the first time, then it'll probably get easier.

You say you like him, but do you fancy him? (I know that sounds teenager-y but can't think of a better word).

Your OP makes it sound like you are staying married because of your existing children and the one you want to make. You say you love each other but is it the right sort of love?

If the passion has gone, or there is resentment, frustration or boredom then you may need more than a bubbly bath and some saucy knickers. Have you thought about psychosexual counselling?

I hope it works out for you.

How about going out for a meal together, or a nice evening at home, but ban sex, make a pact that you will only kiss, hold hands or hug - nothing more, its baned

then each time you go out for a meal, have a nice evening at home etc allow a bit more contact

DH and I didn't have sex for a year after DD was born because I found the birth traumatic (large episiotomy, ongoing pain, I hated my vagina).

I eventually broke down to my GP and she referred us for psychosexual therapy. It took a while for the appointment to come through but it was a great help. We moved counties part way through our course though and so didn't finish (DH was reluctant to start again with a new therapist) but it seems that what we did have was enough (though I'd have liked to have seen how we'd have been after doing all the sessions).

I had lots of advice like "just get drunk and do it" and "try having a bath together" but it all felt like pressure and I couldn't get past it. I knew I could lie there and do it, probably, but I couldn't bring myself to. I needed the therapy to get over the issues which were stopping me wanting to have sex.

We're expecting DC2 now and, like you, that had been my big worry.

Have you tried your GP? It was such a relief for us to be able to talk to each other in front of a therapist. She stopped it escalating into another row, helped each of us get our point of view across and probably saved my marriage.

Good luck.

Fast moving thread. Will try to keep up and answer questions.

First - yes councilling. Would both LEAP at the chance but simply not even remotely possible for reasons that would be too revealing. Trust me. Not possible. Not an option unfortunately.

Will google sensate focus. Have obviously heard of this before, and tbh, I think I would feel just as ridiculous "sensually stroking" as gritting my teeth and going for it. It just seems to be a way of prolonging the embarassment. I can't quite articulate why, but jumping in at the deep end seems like a less terrifying proposition.

"Just go for it" - he he - nice idea but we are a little too far gone for that unfortunately.

Vallium - yes, oh yes, sex on the tv is excruciating. Anything to to with sex is SO embarrasing.

I am not sure how on earth we got to this stage. It never used to be so.

We did try and have a go a couple of months ago. Dh lost his errection both times.

We are both at fault, but a lot of it stems from him. He finds sex yucky and embarrasing. I don't. But I seem to have 'caught' it from him.

p.s. Like you I knew I wanted to be with DH but I just didn't think of him in a sexual way anymore. I actually didn't think of sex full stop. So whilst I can see why some posters might think if you don't fancy him then that's the reason you don't want sex, there could be more to it.

The hardest thing I ever said to DH was that I didn't fancy him. He asked if I ever thought about sex when I looked at him and I had to say no. I did wonder if that meant we'd fizzled out but we fixed it. It can be done. I fancy him again now.

I do fancy him. Well - I could very easily fancy him. It's not a black and white issue. He is sexy. I can see that. I would be happy to have sex with him. But the 'sexy' him is also the him who thinks having sex with me is rude and yucky, which is not a turn on.

He does want to fix this though. He really does.

Resentment. Do you resent him for losing erection and for finding it embarassing? If you find a way to fix this, please let me know

No. I don't resent him for losing his errection. Actually, that wasn't even awkward. We love each other. We had a chuckle and a cuddle and said we'd try again another time.

I DO resent him for not wanting to touch me intimately.

And sometimes resent him for not trying harder. But that is not as clear cut and I am probably equally guilty on that score.

Bewunce,

Re your comment:-

"First - yes councilling. Would both LEAP at the chance but simply not even remotely possible for reasons that would be too revealing. Trust me. Not possible. Not an option unfortunately"

That is just sad beyond belief really if this is indeed the case. You had counselling before so what has now changed?. This is yet another barrier that has been put up and the two of you are likely not be able to solve this problem by yourselves. You haven't been able to up till now so nothing has really changed.

Did his own upbringing play a part here - I ask this as such attitudes often stem from parents with inflexible and rigid ideas or religious beliefs regarding sex.

Dirgeinvegas - yes, not being with him would be worse than being with him with no sex. But Ideally I would like to be with him AND have sex. And a baby.

Hi Bewunce,

"He does want to fix this though. He really does"

Does he?. What's he doing or has himself done to try and address this long term issue.

You both need to take responsibility here because both of you have played a part in getting the relationship the way it now is.