The real reason I am not pregnant yet...

[Bewunce]

... is because dh and I have not had sex for years.

God. I hope this thread doesn't turn horrid. I really could do with having somewhere to talk about this. It is so stupid, and it is not something I could ever admit to anyone irl.

We had an enormous showdown and lots of councilling and agreed the following:

1. We love each other very much and we're sorry we let our relationship get so bad.
2. We're staying together regardless, because we like each other and adore our children and family life just works.
3. We both really want to have a sex life again. Somehow.
4. We both really want another baby, and the time is NOW.

So... we need to have sex. And for the past 4 or 5 months we have agreed that we will have sex. Definitely. Any minute now... just not tonight because of some terribly important reason. But tomorrow for sure. Without a doubt.

Oh dear.

We are both terrified. There are SO many complicated feelings that it is impossible to put it all in a forum post.

Basically, I am asking for some support to help me have sex with my husband.

And if the thread goes wrong I shall destroy this name change and never speak of it again. But I am feeling pretty wretched and some helpful replies would be good.

He may not be gay, he may be basically asexual. Some people are.
I can see that the OP doesn't necessarily want to end the marriage over this, but if you have a problem in a marriage that your partner thinks is either not a problem at all or just your problem, then the option of your partner's behaviour changing is one you have to rule out. He is happy with the situation as it stands.
So, you can think through (and maybe even discuss with a counsellor at least via email) whether the good things in your marriage are enough for you to feel you can accept a celibate life. Or you may want to consider discussing with the H the possibility of you having other sexual partners, discreetly, now and again. Remember that a person who refuses to have sex, avoids sex, will not make any effort to rekindle the sexual side of a relationship forfeits the right to insist on sexual exclusivity.
Or you may want to decide that you will have other discreet sexual liasons and keep it from your H. Up to you.

Was going to ask if he was gay as well, as I have had a relationship with a gay man in denial. It is still possible, even if he says he isn't (or as a gay friend of mine once put it, he could be "so far in the closet he's in fucking Narnia")
But he could really not like the whole icky aspect of it - is he particularly fastidious in other areas of life?

If it's a libido issue, I have recently found out that acupuncture can help with that - is acupuncture available in the country you're in?

And in the meantime, I do sympathise - I have a non existent very low libido as well and would probably not mind if we never had sex again, but I know DH would be sad about that so I expect we will. But then it's easier in some respects for women to do that for their partner - they don't have to maintain an erection to "do their part".

Test

Name-changing here. I am in same situation as OP and sex is the Elephant in the Room. I have a much higher libido than DH. He is just not interested and do wonder if he is gay sometimes. Or just asexual. It's been like this for years - there have been numerous and very tough personal / work / stress related issues (excuses) and he refused to have sex with me when pregnant. Since our DC was born 3 years ago we have been sexually active with each other 3 times.

I find it hard to talk to him but I have told him that I want to have a regular sex life and there is always another excuse - tired, DC, stress, feeling unwell. He's now talking about GPs having DC so we can have "time for ourselves" (this is a standard ploy). This morning I realised that the last time GPs had DC, we went to see a film where Mila Kunis went down on Natalie Portman and had the bedroom to ourselves all night - and nothing. [hollow laughter] If that doesn't turn you on surely you're beyond saving

I have a strong fantasy life but it's not enough. I can't face it being like this for the rest of my life. Our marriage is great in every other way and he's my soulmate.

Any chance of you booking a night away in a hotel? No children to comment on daddy's pantlessness; sharing a room so fewer chances to 'miss' each other; perhaps a bottle of wine to dull inhibitions; a sense of being able to pretend afterwards that nothing happened because you need never go back to that hotel/room; a chance for you to put your 'mummy' role to one side so you can see each other as people instead of parents.

At least with fewer distractions and excuses, it might let you focus on what is actually stopping you from having sex.

I will post my experience OP as a kind of Asexual?
I say kind of because it is something that is new and im confused over but I will do my best.
I have just come out of an 8 year relationship, I to had the feelings that sex was disgusting, it made me cringe to think about it and actually doing it made me vomit. I couldn't shake the feelng of disgust and shame I felt when doing it and this isnt something that stemmed from childhood my mother was very open about sex and was honest with us, she always said she wanted us to enjoy a healthy sex life.

I would really break out in cold sweats if ex suggested sex or anything of a sexual nature, I would make the excuses and stay up late to avoid it, we would have blazing rows and in the end I had to say for the sake of my sainty that we would NEVER have sex again and left it to him to decided what he wanted, he stayed for another year after but then I ended the relationship becuase his cruel jibes over it and other things were to much.

I have never felt a longing for sexual contact, I have never been 'horny' I could never understadn what the fuss was about. I was/am asexual.

Its hard forpeople to understand, a lot of people simply don't belive in it.

However. This bit confuses me so please be kind.

Since splitting with ex a weight has lifted from my life and i am so relaxed and happy, I don't have the thought of 'Im a failure' 'Im wierd/wrong'.

I chose to see a councellor to try and help me decipher my feelings about a lot of things, it's been really helpfull, she agreed that yes I was asexual but she also helped me see that it doesn't mean I can't have a sex life.
She has really helped me shed my fear and revolsion about sex and I am now left feeling curious about everything in that department. It's like being blind for years but now I am seeing things different. I am still not feeling sexual urges and longing but as I say, im interested in people as sexual beings now, I'm intrgued about sex and want to explore it, so I guess what im saying is that if your DH is asexual, hope is not lost.

I hope you get things sorted out.

Thank you for posting TBS - it's encouraging to read. I do believe that dh and I can probably get things going again. I am just not sure how.

Pip - I think a night in a hotel could be a good idea. Unfortunately not remotely possible as quite literally no one to leave the children with. Also, I am fairly sure we would stay up late chatting and then 'accidentally' fall asleep. It might seem like a lot of pressure to do it.

GirlwNoName - sorry you are in this boat too. I hope things improve for you.

SGB - yes, I imagine discrete affairs in later life. I agree that if he won't have sex then he loses the right to monogamy. But no one need know about it, least of all him.

Bloo - why do I want another baby? All the usual reasons :) My family isn;t complete. I am ball achingly broody. We always talked about having a big family. My children are so awesome I want more . We can afford more. We have a big house. I am not working anyway. It is just the right thing for our family.

Am losing track of who to reply to now. Someone said something about it being easier for a woman to just go along with it. YES. The thing is, regardless of the past and who is to blame, what we now have is two adults who are hopelessly ineptly trying to get a sex life together, and it HAS to be about HIM because I can just go along with it, whereas he HAS to be aroused or it physically doesn't work. It's all about HIM. It pisses me off actually.

And before I got into all those replies, I was coming on to say; take now for example. The children are asleep in bed. They are dog tired and won't squeak for hours. I finish putting ds to bed and wander out thinking that now would be a good time to have a bit of nookie. But dh is downstairs watching some crap on tv and it literally hasn't occured to him. I could suggest it but I don't know how. It's always me who suggests it. And it never works. He's there minding his own business and I say "hey! fancy some sex then?" and tbh he doesn't so he either politely makes an excuse and I feel like shit, or he politely goes along with it until complete lack of errection forces us to both admit that it isn;t working for him in any way and it's just embarrasing. Shit. It's complete shit isn't it. And THEN I think why bother going through all that palarver when I am not going to get pg tonight anyway.

Oh ffs. Maybe I should just get a turkey baster and a rampant rabbit.

Has he been to the GP about it, Bewunce? Would he go?
There might be physiological reasons for it as well - low thyroid function, low zinc levels, low testosterone levels - all of which could be tested for. And it would probably be a relief if it was one of those things, for all concerned - because it takes any guilt out of the equation.

Atm, your DH probably feels immensely guilty that he doesn't feel like having a shag, and that puts more pressure on and reduces the chances of him achieving - upsetting for him and frustrating for you but adds to the vicious cycle, which ends with "if you don't try, you can't fail".

Send him to the GP - it's the least he can do for you and himself - assuming that wherever you are has the facilities to test for these things.

Sorry to leap in....been lurking and just something you said about you thinking that it was a good time for sex once the DC were in bed etc made me think...is our DH knackered? Could he just be really tired?

I never want sex when my DH does...is it timing? How hard does he work in the daytime?

That is a good point Skinit - my DH is hopeless in the evenings. We have to find time in the afternoon (I really can't bear the thought of early morning sex, ugh) when DS is napping or out with MIL.

Personally the ONLY time I MAY want sex is when I go to bed...there's a window of time around 11.00pm....but if I havent had decent amount of alone time then there's no way I'm into the idea.

Does our DH like his own company? Does he have much time to himself?

I can't ABIDE the thought of morning sex either Thumbwitch...gross morning breath!

bewunce- i'd have sex with you. i hope this helps.

Again sorry to jump in (can't sleep). Just a question Bewunce - if you didn't want another child would you be content in a sexless marriage? I'm not passing any judgement on that at all by the way - many people are.

Second thumbwitch's advice to send him to GP to get checked out. She's very wise, that TW :)

DO you know if he wanks at all? Because if he can't even get an erection to have one off the wrist then a) there is a strong chance that it is some kind of medical/physical problem and b) that's going to rule out the turkey baster approach to having another baby, as well.
Have you discussed the turkey baster idea with him? It's worth talking to him about it to see how he reacts as this may give you more clues as to what's going on (whether, for instance, he wants another baby or whether he is just saying he does but not doing anything, in the knowledge that by avoiding the sex he doesn;t want, there won't be a baby either).

i love early morninmg sex
really sets you up for the day!!!!

Have you tried focusing on the fact that you want a baby and that sex is something you just have to do to get there, I guess almost taking the idea that it has to be romantic etc out of it and looking on it as more of a practical activity!

When we conceived no.3 we had not had sex for ages and I took a bit of a "right if we are going to get pregnant we need to shag today" approach. Had sex every other day for a week and did the same the following month. Focus was on getting pg rather than having fun, which really helped to take the pressure off. Was quite enjoyable though and did result in us saying "we really should do this more often!"

Bewunce - I understand your frustration at his apparent lack of interest to resolve this. My DH used to be completely disinterested in sex and as he didn't need it then obv I didn't either .

I used to be green with envy on girls nights out when inevitably after a few bottles the conversation would turn to being chased around the bedroom by their husbands and the tricks they used to get out of sex again.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you as my marriage ended (with my DH having an affair with a girl at work ironically, I was more insulted that he had had sex with her than that he had been unfaithful to me )

I wish you all the very best resolving this. I'm tempted to tell you that if he can't get an erection then you should demand he goes down on you but I know how soul destroying coercing sex out of someone is.

Good luck

Right. Sorry. Lost Internet connection for a few days. Still here and still reading everything everyone is taking the time to write.

So. Got the kids to sleep early tonight, sauntered along to the bedroom and read my book on the bed. Knew dh would be passing the bedroom door on his way down and planned to casually both end up on the bed and then seduce him, or something.

Then I had a mad panic and raced around looking for the laptop to ask you guys for advice on how exactly to seduce him, and he came in while I was still trying to log in.

So, we chatted for a while (about politics - sexy eh?) and I was casting wildly around trying to think of a way to bring sex into the equation. I said i might have a shower, hoping he might want to join me, but he didn't get the hint. In the end I went for "err... We could have sex? Umm..." which I think was both seductive and smooooth, I am sure you will agree.

He said he has a horrible stomach ache, possibly wind, from eating a dodgy chicken sandwich at lunchtime. Could we postpone until tomorrow? To be fair, I think he is telling the truth re stomach, but still, I rolled my eyes and pointed out that there is ALWAYS an excuse. He agreed and said that he hadn't meant to get stomach ache and we would definitely do it tomorrow.

!

What would happen if you were watching tv with the dc and you asked dh to rub your shoulders as you've got a neck ache? Would he run a mile? Can he touch you in a non-sexual way?

Are you two so far away from each other you can't touch each other casually?

Well good luck tomorrow, but from your experience so far it sounds very unlikely that you will succeed - sorry.

I used to wonder if my husband might be gay, or asexual. When we first married we used to have daily sex - but we didn't spend hours over it, or do it more than once in a session. After a few years it dwindled to nothing. I remember saying to him that I didn't want my sex life to be over at the age of 40, and he just shrugged. We carried on for several more years - we got on very well, were really good friends, he was a good father, etc. etc. But then he had an affair and it just hit home that it wasn't that he was gay, or uninterested in sex - he just didn't fancy me any more and probably never had done all that much.

I could have stayed in the marriage, but I think you need intimacy or you are just friends who share a house. We are still friends but we don't need to be married to be so and with hindsight I should have ended the marriage a long time ago.

I think I am saying that if he doesn't desire you (nor, maybe, you him) you are not going to be able to regain a sex life together no matter how much you would like to.

Sex is not everything, but a marriage without it is seriously lacking and does terrible things to a woman's self-esteem.

Bloo, what does your ! Mean?

We do touch each other affectionately, just not sexually.

If I asked for a shoulder rub he would give a few perfunctory squidges of my muscles and that would be it.

'we will definitely do it tomorrow'
sounds like taking out the bins or sorting the spare room, not an act of love :(

wind, closely followed by constipation is the ultimate seduction tool.

poor you, that's shit.

is he a bit of a stephen fry type? all woolly jumpers and repression?