The real reason I am not pregnant yet...

[Bewunce]

... is because dh and I have not had sex for years.

God. I hope this thread doesn't turn horrid. I really could do with having somewhere to talk about this. It is so stupid, and it is not something I could ever admit to anyone irl.

We had an enormous showdown and lots of councilling and agreed the following:

1. We love each other very much and we're sorry we let our relationship get so bad.
2. We're staying together regardless, because we like each other and adore our children and family life just works.
3. We both really want to have a sex life again. Somehow.
4. We both really want another baby, and the time is NOW.

So... we need to have sex. And for the past 4 or 5 months we have agreed that we will have sex. Definitely. Any minute now... just not tonight because of some terribly important reason. But tomorrow for sure. Without a doubt.

Oh dear.

We are both terrified. There are SO many complicated feelings that it is impossible to put it all in a forum post.

Basically, I am asking for some support to help me have sex with my husband.

And if the thread goes wrong I shall destroy this name change and never speak of it again. But I am feeling pretty wretched and some helpful replies would be good.

try not to over analise everything
does he have self pleasure (wank)
if he does find out what he thinks about when he is doing this, try to get into the fantasy, and make yourself his pleasure
and same for yourself

Bewunce can you try online counselling? Counselling via email? If it's something like your identity you don't want revealed and you want the privacy?
Or could your DH go alone? The therapist we saw was clear that both people are best attending sessions together so that one doesn't move forward leaving the other behind. That's not to say separate sessions wouldn't be useful.

He finds sex yucky and embarrasing. I don't. But I seem to have 'caught' it from him.

Well I'm sorry to say this but he needs therapy for this. Of course you don't feel sexual with him. And you won't while he feels this way. I'm sorry to sound negative but that's a bit of an elephant in the room! You didn't even mention it in your OP when it's the most significant thing. He finds sex yucky and will try to force himself to do it anyway - why are you accepting that? I'd be too humiliated, which it sounds like you are. You have developed incredibly negative feelings around sex to match his, probably as a result of feeling humiliated that he forces himself to have yucky sex with you. Oh dear. Poor you, you deserve much, much better.

How does he feel about having any more children?.

Has there ever been a time when you had sex regularly? has he always found it embarrassing? i think that a partner's embarrassment is a real turn-off and a bit of an affront to one's self perception of 'sexiness' (what???@?@! I thought I was sexy but I'm weirding him out!!!!), and can well see how it then becomes a vicious circle. It destroys (speaking for myself anyway) any sense of being womanly and desirable, because an embarrassed partner seems like less of a grown-up, less manly, but tio even express that to him sounds like a critisism of something he cannot help. it's horrible. I really really sympathise, empathise.

Yes, he's the one that needs sorting out I'm afraid. The fact that it's got worse after having DC means that his attitude is quite probably a madonna/whore complex - for him to have sex with you would be 'yuck' as you are now Sacred Sexless Mother of Children. Unfortunately men who have this attitude often have affairs or even pay for sex, if they don't work on getting that disgusting attitude changed.

Oh dear.

Well. Firstly thank you for the understanding and sympathy that this is hard for me. It is. It sucks.

It is also hard to read criticism of dh. He cannot help feeling like this. I often feel furious with him about it, but to read other people rounding on him makes me want to defend him. He is a product of his flawed upbringing. He is less misogynist woman hater, and more bumbling duffer.

I think he might even be a bit a-sexual.

He definitely does want another child.

So. Rightly or wrongly we need to somehow have sex. In our own imperfect way we get along quite happily. We love our family life. We are happy and our children are happy. We would like another baby. We just need to have sex to concieve. And if we manage to build a sex life too that would be perfect.

And this is the part where everyone (a) tells me off for wanting to bring a child into a flawed relationship, and (b) everyone focuses on dh being an arse when he's not.

Online counselling? I do think therapy is the way to go, I don't think you can solve this through google unfortunately bewunce

Link Here

and

Here

We have tried online counselling. It helped a bit.

In fact, email counselling won't be much different to posting on MN

ah xposts.

What do you think you need to do be? Do you have any ideas that you are toying with? What does your DH say?

If the pregnancy is the focus (ie you'd be happy not having sex if your family was complete) might AI or other assisted conception be an option for you?

Hi bewunce

Couldn't read your post and not reply.

Just wanted to say you are not alone in this! I have been with DP for 7 years, and since DC1 was born 6 years ago we have had sex three, yes three times! Twice was about 6 months after DC was born as I wanted to see if everything still 'worked' and was determined to make it happen so to speak. The third time was when we conceived DC2 18 months ago, lucky for us it happened on the first attempt as I don't think either of us could have taken a long period of 'trying'.

I think some of the advice you hve been given on here is spot on, particularly with respect to your DP needing to have some counselling himself first. I hear what you say about it not being an option but really things won't be able to move forward without him overcoming/understanding his feelings around sex, as this seems to be the heart of the matter. As others have said maybe online or telephone sessions might be an option if he is unable (for whatever reason) to go face to face.

With my own DP,sadly his issues stem from 'issues' in his childhood. Fot the first 6 months or so (really until DC1) was conceived, which evidently caused a bit of a 'psychological crisis') we had a fairly good sex life, although in hind sight we were both party animals and so most of the time we were rather tipsy shall we say which probably helped Dp to mask his issues. Once DC was born (who he adores!!) he once said to me 'i wouldn't mind if I never had sex again'. This was a really profound moment for me and I knew that the relationship was never going to be able to fulfil me sexually.

I have suggested counselling either seperately or individuallly with my DP but he does not wish to go down this route. I do believe that counselling has to be entered willingly and positively and it is important to realise that it doesn't work for everyone so it is not a magic pill type of solution. For some people (my DP being one of them I suspect) it can bring issues to the surface which may be best buried. Not suggesting that this would be the case for your DP but really just wanting to make the point to those posters who have suggested that is he wont go to counselling he must be a terrible or selfish person, its not always as simple as that!

For me, I have almost (will probably never completely) come to terms with the fact that there may come a day when I want to express/experience my sexuality with someone other than DP, for me this is far preferable than breaking up a happy (in every other respect) family unit on the off chance that someone equally 'good' plus highly sexually compatible comes along. This must be one of tjhose 'bargains' that WWIFN talks about a lot!
Yes that might happen but in all likelihood not, and the feelings and needs of my DC are paramount to me now, much more important that my own sexual needs.

Am sure lots of people would disagree strongly with this outlook but all I can say is that life is not always perfect and we have to make the best decisions we can with the options we have available to us.

Also I understand that sexless marriages/relationships are much more common than sociaty would have us believe, so they must work fairly well in some respects for the people in them.

I really really feel for you Bewunce and wish you all the best in your relationship, i feel there is definately hope for your and your DP if only he can find ways to overcome his fear of/embarrassment over sex!

Take carex

Bewunce,

I don't think anyone here has said your DH is an arse. But from what you are saying, he is the one who has the biggest problem.

So my question is : you say that you can't go to counselling. but you have been together before. Would it be possible for your DH to go on his own?
If he manages to relax a bit, then it will be easier to use any of the other methods other posters have proposed.

I think you need to be clear on what you want to acheive though. Do you want to have sex with your DH? Do you want a baby? Or do you want a sex life?
If you both really want a child (and that's what's really bothering both of you), you could go DIY.
If the problem is more the lack of sex life, then I think you need more counselling each on your own.

He's not an arse, or a misogynist, from what you have said. But he does have a major dysfunction relating to sex, and unless he addresses that, the sex will not happen.

"In our own imperfect way we get along quite happily. We love our family life. We are happy and our children are happy. We would like another baby. We just need to have sex to concieve. And if we manage to build a sex life
too that would be perfect".

You may never have a sex life ever again with your H, the longer this continues the more difficult it could be to get your sex lives back on track. This elephant in the room could well lead to further resentment within your marriage.

Denial is also a powerful force (re we are happy). You don't seem at all happy from your postings. If you do want another baby then having sex is a prerequisite to this happening and you're not having sex.

What will you tell your own children about sex?.

What if you it came to pass that you cannot now readily conceive and one or both of you need fertility treatment?.

Attila - perhaps the OP is well known and therefore going to counselling would not remain private?

bewunce - I reckon that sometimes it's easier to put it off than 'get it on' and with busy, stresssful lives, sex is often way down the list of iimportant things to do.

Your list though is very positive: you both want to have sex, you love each other and your life together and would be heartbroken if you split up.

So it's not really about rescuing a marriage but relighting it really.

Does your dh say why he thinks sex with you is yucky? That really isn't a good way for him to phrase it to you

Any counsellor is bound by the rules of confidentially to any person so being a celeb or otherwise is frankly an irrelevance.

I feel for Bewunce; I think the she and to a lesser extent her H are going around in circles and so the barriers re sex and procreation remain firmly in place. It may well remain so for the rest of their days, someone has got to draw a line in the sand here and move this forward.

hmm, you're right- okay .

You don't need to have sex to have a baby. My BF and her DH haven't had sex for years (both happy with this, BTW) and conceived their DCs at home, in the kitchen, using a turkey baster. Literally.

Does your DH masturbate? Or is everything of a sexual nature repulsive to him? Does he get an involuntary erection in the morning?

I also don't think your DH is a bad man.

Could be barking up the wrong street here, but if counselling is not an option because you or your DP is 'well-known'...Relate see well-known people, and there are other 'non-name' practitioners - check COSRT web site.

I'm so sorry you think f2f sex therapy is not an option - I'm sure it would work for you. It sounds like you love each other. It also sounds like you are dealing with the specific burden of physical rejection - counselling just for you might help with that?

I didn't say her DH was 'well know' - I just thought perhaps that might be the case sorry bewunce if I've jumped to completely wrong conclusion.

are you otherwise affectionate with each other, kiss, hold hands etc?

bewunce, just taking the bit of your post about wanting a baby - you do know that a couple can achieve that using diy methods without sex dont you? this is the way that many lesbian couple conceive aka "turkey basting" (charming!!)

doesnt help with the other issues as all, but noticed that you dont seem to have thought of it