The real reason I am not pregnant yet...

[Bewunce]

... is because dh and I have not had sex for years.

God. I hope this thread doesn't turn horrid. I really could do with having somewhere to talk about this. It is so stupid, and it is not something I could ever admit to anyone irl.

We had an enormous showdown and lots of councilling and agreed the following:

1. We love each other very much and we're sorry we let our relationship get so bad.
2. We're staying together regardless, because we like each other and adore our children and family life just works.
3. We both really want to have a sex life again. Somehow.
4. We both really want another baby, and the time is NOW.

So... we need to have sex. And for the past 4 or 5 months we have agreed that we will have sex. Definitely. Any minute now... just not tonight because of some terribly important reason. But tomorrow for sure. Without a doubt.

Oh dear.

We are both terrified. There are SO many complicated feelings that it is impossible to put it all in a forum post.

Basically, I am asking for some support to help me have sex with my husband.

And if the thread goes wrong I shall destroy this name change and never speak of it again. But I am feeling pretty wretched and some helpful replies would be good.

Shoulder rubs should not be taken as signs of intimate affection, ditto foot rubs, IME. DH is more than happy to have sex most times but will manage about 30 secs of any kind of massage before whinging that his thumbs hurt..

I have to admit - if DH is in a horny mood and I'm not, then yes, flatulence is the ultimate deterrent!

Enough with the negativity people! Tonight's the night.

I am shitting a brick.

Any calming words of advice?

We only have enough water in the tank for one shower. Maybe we could share? I really have no idea what to do any more :(

But I am STRONG and I can do this. WE can do this.

I have also fleetingly wondered about putting a couple of useful things in a bag so that if he makes another lame excuse I can storm out and stay in a hotel without telling him where I am. Is that the talk of a mad woman? It doesn't sound like something I would do, but desperate times, and all that.

I am every bit as terrified / horrified as he is, but for the sake of his sodding erection I have to be vaguely competent and relaxed and 'turned on' (I won't be).

Have a drink or several (you) and give him a couple only.
Take some rescue remedy if you have any in the house.
If you have any massage oil, you offer him a massage - slow and sensual. And naked.
Get some lubrication stuff - hell, if you have the time, go and find some special lube! Do you have the KY his'n'hers stuff in the UK? It's been advertised over here in Australia, apparently it "warms things up" but I wouldn't know, haven't tried it.
Do you have a 'rabbit'? Can you use it to get yourself going a little first? Would he want to watch or is that outside the realms of anything either of you are prepared to deal with?

Sorry if that's not the most useful set of things, I'm none too good at this myself!

Does he have normal reflex erections during the night?
All your attempts at getting him to have sex will be meaningless and leave you feeling utterly rejected if he can't actually get physically aroused - getting him in the shower and soaping him up/getting him excited should be the easiest thing in the world but you seem to see it as some impossible task.
You seem to know nothing about his sexuality at all, you haven't answered questions about whether he masturbates - if he doesn't then he would have nocturnal emissions every few weeks, you would surely notice that? If there are no signs of this then he must have an outlet, men cannot physically go more than a few weeks without ejaculating, whether deliberately or during sleep, ejaculation is vital to mens' health, by his actions he is actuallydamaging his future prostate health too.

What do you honestly think his reaction would be if you straddled him naked in bed ?

you could dress up or summat?

Have you actually read the thread blinks?

It's gone way past that stage - he is massively sexually dysfunctional.

It's probably so far beyond the realms of most peoples' reality that nobody really understands the extent of the problem.
A proper psycho-sexual counsellor is probably the only person who has a hope in hell of helping this couple tbh.

Well yes Mal, but I still reckon a basic trip to the GP to rule out some of the commoner causes of male erectile dysfunction would be a damn good idea!

eh, yes i've read it. i offered to boff the woman for gods sake. i was being light hearted fortheloveofgodwoman.

It's not really a very lighthearted subject though, is it?

How does a happy, stable couple get to the stage where sexual contact is utterly anathema to them and they are unable to function in a sexually healthy and positive way?

Agree Mal (not seen your name around for a few weeks, thought you'd left), it's not really a joking matter.

Good luck tonight Bewunce!!

First lower your expectations, (perhaps mutual masburbation instead of full intercourse), concentrate on enjoying the sensations/feelings and being close/loving.

Talk about how much you love him and what a fantastic man he is, how special he is and how much you appreciate him in your life.

Really hope it you both have a positive outcome, something that leaves you both feeling closer and wanting to repeat the encounter.

Boot xx

Bewunce

I would agree with Malificence's reply of 15.45.

I also feel that tonight's attempt is also going to be unsuccessful particularly if you have not had sex for years. You sound too desperate as well as nervous as well and he will likely find some reason not to have sex with you again.

Where is your tipping point in all this, your marriage is a sexless marriage.

Do you honestly think or feel that you are going about this problem the right way?. If your H wants to fix things then what he is actually doing?. You have taken ownership of this problem but what has he actually done?. I think he is quite happy with the way things are.

I would agree Attila, but sometimes a person has to exhaust every avenue at their disposal first before seeking outside help.

Perhaps there maybe be a partial success. If they both enjoy the episode that is a step in the right direction is it not?

(I've named changed BTW)

ach whatever.

what's wrong with dressing up anyway? might be worth a try.

I am not feeling the love on this thread.

I am feeling defensive.

Things went a whole lot better than I thought they would and we're trying again tomorrow. Don't want to share any more than that.

Thanks all :)

Sorry Bewunce Bon Chance and best wishes x

bewunce- I think you need to forget about a baby. You have a dodgy marriage. Do you not think you should sort that out first?

Is it possible that our fixation with having a baby has destroyed your sexuality in your DH eyes? I know it should not but men react in different ways- it would be is problem- not yours.

Do you feel feminine- or like a baby factory?

You both need sexual counselling- Relate do it by phone and email.

marvellous. i applaud you.

OP- I did read 90% of the posts and saw you said both that you have had counselling- and that you couldn't as your DH is well known.

which is it?

What you need is a sexual counsellor- (google for their professional association and contacts) such people exist and he should go along with/without you.

It doesn't matter if he is David Beckam or Prince William- it's confidential.
Sorry if I have got this worng- I did think you said he wouldn't go due to being "known".

don't you think that says rather a lot- he would rather hide his problem which affects you rather than seek help due to shame/embarassment?

Not very loving behaviour.

he mayhave issues alone, or he may have issues with you as a couple- or both probably.

Get professional help- MN is great but this needs an expert.

And stop focusing on a baby- I'd say that is a recipe for disaster- it's akind of avoidance behaviour from you - distracting you from the problems in your marriage.

He is playing games with you. And it is destroying your self esteem despite your exterior levity.

Give him an ultimatum about counselling and getting to the bottom of this.

All this talk of discreet affairs later in life -- pah. The pickings are slim once you get over 45. Actually they are bald and fat and come with Baggage. And toenail fungus or BO more often than not.

Of course he says he is not gay. What do you expect? A confession?

bewunce - glad things went well-ish - small steps! Work on those, but I would say that you really should make sure that you carry on tomorrow because you don't want to lose the momentum, or you'll be back at square 1 again. Even if it's just a snuggle on the sofa, anything to continue the intimacy.

And make him go to the GP, please.

Hi Cabbageroses,

I originally asked why the reluctance re counselling this time around and this was the reason given:-

(OPs post of 28/3)
"Lol re being well known. I was trying to give as little identifying info as poss. The reason we cannot go for counselling is because nothing of the sort exists in the country where we live".

Sad isn't it?. I am wondering if all avenues were fully explored before they arrived at this conclusion.

I fully agree with your advice btw even though Bewunce had a better night than she herself expected.

AtillaYeh, I saw that when I had a re-read.

If the OP can't access counselling face or face- maybe you live overseas OP or in the wilds of Scotalnd or something- then Relate do offer email counselling at around £45 a session. That is available to anyone.

I know you are not posting anymore. I think you will still be reading. Is this because you were getting answers which actually hit the spot- and made uncomfortable reading?

Please listen to what people have to say.

FWIW, I'd say the reasons for your DH's problems are one- or more- of these:

*He is a closet gay/bi-sexual ( you'd be surprised how many married men are)
*He has a medical problem which means he is impotent
*He has baggage from childhood which makes him see sex as dirty
*He has the Princess-Prosiitute ( or Madonna/Whore) syndrome- so you banging on about another baby will only compound this.
*He simply doesn't fancy you- but still wants the security of marriage- and loves you as a "friend".

Whichever of these it IS, the sad fact is that he is not taking responsibility for his issues.

Avoiding sex with a "not tonight dear I have a headache/upset tummy...." has been going on for years. It's not fair on you- and if he really loves youhe should start by being honest with you- and himself.

If he does not know the answers then the very least he can do is try to find out why he is treating you like this.

It is also vital that you shelve the baby idea. It is possible that you have turned yourself into a baby making machine which allows you to avoid confronting the real sexual issues. Your marriage is not happy- why bring another innocent baby into this mess?

Hello Op :)

I think you need to forget completely the notion of having another baby - can I gently suggest that possibly a baby would be lovely for both of you as it would mean you could both concentrate on that rather than your relationship, it would take the focus off the fact that somewhere over the years something has going very wrong?

Sorry , if that's harsh, I know this must be incredibly difficult for you to talk about.

If it's simply a matter of being out of practice, I think you have to almost 'just get on with it, accept that the first time will probably be a bit shit but next time will hopefully be better. Or if it is just a matter of neither of you wanting sex - use a baster as someone else suggested.

BUT from what you have said though, I think there is far more to this especially as you said counselling helped 'last time' - so this has been an ongoing problem?

Forget about the baby, you both really need to sort things out, but I guess you already know that or you wouldn't be posting :)

I'm trying to imagine where you live that has no counselling whatsoever......................

almost all this thread focuses on the reasons why OP' DH doesn't want sex. but maybe the real issue here is more simple: he doesn't really want another baby.