The real reason I am not pregnant yet...

[Bewunce]

... is because dh and I have not had sex for years.

God. I hope this thread doesn't turn horrid. I really could do with having somewhere to talk about this. It is so stupid, and it is not something I could ever admit to anyone irl.

We had an enormous showdown and lots of councilling and agreed the following:

1. We love each other very much and we're sorry we let our relationship get so bad.
2. We're staying together regardless, because we like each other and adore our children and family life just works.
3. We both really want to have a sex life again. Somehow.
4. We both really want another baby, and the time is NOW.

So... we need to have sex. And for the past 4 or 5 months we have agreed that we will have sex. Definitely. Any minute now... just not tonight because of some terribly important reason. But tomorrow for sure. Without a doubt.

Oh dear.

We are both terrified. There are SO many complicated feelings that it is impossible to put it all in a forum post.

Basically, I am asking for some support to help me have sex with my husband.

And if the thread goes wrong I shall destroy this name change and never speak of it again. But I am feeling pretty wretched and some helpful replies would be good.

what does ejaculation have to do with anything? men and women are people and people can experience sexual dysfunction for many many reasons but once potential medical causes are ruled out, men and women should receive the same level of understanding.

and i write this having been in the OPs position and walked away... i think that while they both have the desire to make it work, they should be encouraged to continue to do so.

blinks- I agree with you - almost!

I just meant that - being really blunt- if the OP's Dh got aroused- what stopped him orgasming? Women can take forever and some never do- but for most men it is pretty mechanical once they are aroused.

I wish the OP would be more honest if she really wants advice- rather than being sarcastic when she doesn't get the response she wants.

Have read the whole thread and just want to say 'good on you Bewunce' I think you and dp are doing a brilliant job of sorting this out

It will never be a quick fix and if it were - i would not feel confident that it would last. This slow and steady -easing back into things sounds really positive and optimistic

Good luck and keep up the good work!

i just think there was a barrage of negative reponses at one point which put OPs back up...

i disagree about it being 'mechanical' once they're aroused- men are just as complicated as us and it's all mind over matter isn't it... if you find it hard to 'let go' and don't deal with pressure (to perform) well, then it can cause the whole thing to come crashing down. i know at least one man who could sometimes have intercourse but not ejaculate, for example.

i agree with that blinks. I just wish the OP could actually say what was goig on then we might be able to help.

cabbage i feel you are being a bit insensitive, op is being very open about a very sensitive personal issue

no , not insensitive- blunt perhaps.

The OP is a very good writer but she avoids really being frank.

OP. I am in a similar position (although I would dread to have another baby, so this is certainly the best form of contraception ).

We saw a counsellor a few times, but had to stop because of dh's work situation. The most helpful bit for me, was the counsellor basically saying how emotional intimacy leads to physical intimacy. I don't feel at all 'close' to my dh, we have led separate lives for a while, even at times when we're both taking care of kids, we're taking it in turns. If you have kids already, you may have neglected other aspects of your relationship, not just the sexual side of things. We're just not close, so it is not surprising the sex doesn't happen.

Have you tried spending time together, just talking, about deep stuff? What you're feeling/ thinking/ going through. Not the kids or the schedule for the week! Talking about hopes, fears, dreams etc. When you feel really close it'll make it a lot easier. Not sure if this is your issue at all...

bewunce - yes, despite a thorough medical and blood tests etc. I think it DOES need to be specifically mentioned, depending on the mechanics of the issue. If, as cabbageroses says, he's able to get an erection but not to ejaculate, there could be a problem in his testicular area - this is unlikely to have shown up on a random medical. If he is not able to get or sustain an erection, there are possible physical reasons, although more probably psychological, and they might not have been picked up in a routine medical.
However, some of the health conditions that have been mentioned (thyroid, diabetes) would have been picked up.

It IS worth mentioning to the doctor, in specific detail, just to have the area specifically checked out, if nothing other than to rule out a physical problem.

And in the meantime it would probably be useful if he could get away from the idea of "fucking" you if it's so distasteful to him - much though I personally loathe the "making love" term, it's more appropriate for him to think of it in that way.

cabbage, I really love your frankness, you do cut through. I need you to do an analysis on me - genuinely. You're great! And I think OP should answer your questions, because they are genuine and answering them will help...(though I do assume her dh didn't have a long term issue with sex if they already have children).

I agree tw that 'fucking' is probably filling OP's DH with shame. But 'making love' hasn't been working either, in that he doesn't keep his erection and avoids it like the plague etc. I had a boyfriend with similar, though slightly different, issues - he was like a chaste choirboy (at nearly 50). He had major issues about his mum (perfect) and first wife (perfect); was totally in awe of me like I was a goddess, and could only imagine 'making love' to me (preferably in a meadow, with flowers scattered around - literally, he said this). Erm... ok now and again but tbh I wanted to be fucked sometimes - I fancied him like mad and couldn't understand the chaste stuff. Suffice to say, my ardour got the better of me and I was able to express myself and not die of shame when he got embarrassed and turned off. I initiated phone sex at one point and when I said a very rude word he blurted out "gotta go!" and put the phone down!

I'm very happy to report that things turned around and he was a new man . I think the phone sex helped a lot - it was pure sex for sex' sake, within a loving and trusting relationship; I also wasn't there and he could be embarrassed but I couldn't see him being embarrassed. IME men often respond well to an(y) idea which you leave with them to germinate and bear fruit. After the abrupt ending to the rude call, he obviously thought about it and, next time, he wasn't so coy - particularly as I didn't make a fuss, didn't even mention it - I forgot! Things progressed slowly and eventually, by jove, he got it - he finally got the gist that women like to be fucked senseless sometimes, like to be rude and dirty-little-whores-in-the-bedroom (or wherever) sometimes: not just 'dirty' women, but all women, ' perfect' women (dare I say it... even DH's mother ).

YOur DH does respect you OP - I'm wondering if you could successfully lead him astray if you put your mind to it .

Springydaffs- how you describe your experience of this man wanting meadows and flowers etc- it falls into what therapists call the Princess-Prostitute syndrome. The man puts the woman (en) on a pedestal and cannot fuck someone they are in awe of , or really care about. yes, they have an issue and they need help usually to get over it.

My experience of this was with a 35 yr old virgin.

Bewunce- I am giving you the benefit of my experience here.

We lived together part time- he had his own place and so did I but we would spend weekends together and some weeks at at time depending on our work situation.

After an enthusiastic start, he suddenly drew back from having sex, using excuses such as tiredness, fear of me getting PG, as well as "what would people think"- he was my boss but we were both single and consenting adults! He'd had a very upper middle class upbringing, public school etc- and had managed to get through uni in the 60s without having sex with anyone.

After 2 years of nothing but pecks and hand holding, ( he wanted to get married but how could we with this situation?) I saw a sex therapist. I didn't tell him, as I wanted to see what someone thought of it all.
He suggested this Princess-Prostitute syndrome, and of course, the chance he was gay.

His advice was:

1.Step back and do not mention it- let him come to you without any pressure.
2.Jump on him- and see what happens.
3.Find another boyfriend - have an affair- and take the pressure off yourself

1. cuddle up but don't have sex- in fact agree NOT to have penetrative sex (This is classic advice- worth noting.) we never got that far though..

I was not very good at 1. I could go for a few weeks then i would explode at him.
I tried 2. He just rejected me in a very embarrassed way.
I did even try 3. I had a no-strings affair for a year. It took the pressure off and he knew nothing. I must add that he and I had an agreement that if I met anyone else I should pursue it- he was that generous- as he knew I wanted kids and wasn't getting any younger. So I did, but I didn't tell him as I loved him and hoped it would still work out.

He told me that what worked for him was my taking the pressure off. I don't know why. To this day, ( and this was 30 years ago now) I cannot see why we had the problem- he was desperate to marry me-within 3 months of meeting- and keen to get me into bed. Then one day he simply "didn't feel like it" - too tired-- and the next weekend, and the next, and so on- with some excuse.

In the end I walked away- I met someone else who is now my DH. The ex is married too , to someone from another culture, spoke practically no English when they met and was uneducated. Go figure.

I know you think my posts have been harsh but I know how horrible it is to be in your shoes.

I think you are in danger of making it worse by "seducing him" and "trying". Poor guy is probably scared shitless at failing.

Maybe you should think about getting emotionally close, having fun together, putting the idea of another baby right off the menu for a while, and the same for full sex. let him make advances to you- and if he doesn't, then you will have to think again - andhe will have to take responsibility and seek help.

merry when you say you are in the same position do you mean you want to, but your DH can't or won't?

OP just to add, we did have sex- it looks from my post above that we never did- we did. But after a few months he did a U turn, and had issues.

Thank goodness somebody posted - there I was, left being a tart, overnight

the 'princess' thing was why the relationship didn't work in the end cabbage - I couldnt be doing with the adoration, too unrealistic and, as it happens, nothing to do with me at all, all about him.

Don't think your situation is the same though OP. You obviously have a very loving, solid marriage, with years of love and respect. Can't think of a better vessel to introduce a bit of va va vroom. I'm not suggesting it is straightforward but you loosening up will, imo, go a long way to breaking the deadlock. Can't have two of you dying of shame eh.

springy- I think you are very confused I am not talking about my current relationship- I was writing about one in my 20s with man who had issues. we were together for 5years until I moved-on due to us not resolving these sexual issues. My post was about the advice I got at the time- and how it might help the OP now.

I was talking about OP's relationship cabbage, though I could well be confused, all round. Yep, could be .