Support thread for the recently ditched No.13

[Teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

This thread is for anyone who has recently been dumped ditched. A safe place to share your woes and to support, advise and give virtual ((hugs)) to fellow dumplings each other, as we walk this journey as one, to find the new us: fabulous, strong and full of serenity.

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Sorry last post was meant for other dumpling thread x

I have had a couple of counselling sessions which do help a bit. I know being amicable probably won't affect maintenance but maybe it will buy me a bit of time to think about what I really want and while he is here I have access to joint account. I know that mentally I am paying a price for that but it would be difficult to make him leave.

No worries hmh and I am not judging u at all but much easier for him to manipulate u if ur worn down.If u want him out u will find a way to move things along ,did counsellor think this was the best set up for u ?

from personal experience I would set hima target date to move out. That way he knows you are serious. You have to call the shots. That date need not be next week, it could be in 2 months (so you still get your thinking time and joint account) or whatever but please think about setting it. That way he will have some pressure on him to actually look for a place and not just flick throught he Right move website. At the moment he has an everlasting and comfortable (for him) set up, and I think perhaps more importantly, he is playing you emotionally.

I will highlight a downside to setting a date....as I found if that date gets extended due to unforseen events it will unsettle you.

I also want to say...again from personal experience that on my good days I have been in control, maybe not 100% but I have felt in control. The days where I have fallen to pieces (and the guys here will tell you there have been a few!) have been where someone else has taken control from me...the estate agent changing his moving date for example. Might not be the same for you but it has had a hige affect on my mood and emotions.

Whatever you do it has to be right for you though.

I can't believe the W^%ker I used to live with.

Only B*&^dy invitedOWDD to tea with my lot.

Am absolutely fuming. No....there aren't words strong enough

Need to work out how to go forward cos I can't trust him to respect my wishes in them not socialising with them

I have given my X several deadlines for everything, child maintenance, paying his share of our (well, his) debts, removal dates etc. and it's shattering that he can ignore these deadlines. I wanted to solve our probs so badly that I always ended up extending the deadlines rather than accepting that he really doesn't care. It has been pretty damaging to my self esteem and confidence and I can really relate to you HLL. I agree that the best thing about being alone is having control over my own life and finances. Still struggling with the counsellor's "what do you enjoy doing?" questions though as feel like I have lost myself in the process.

Hi all,

I ahve a quick question before I go to bed.

Does anyone know if I have any legal (seieng as moral ain't cutting it) to stipulate that XP only sees my children if they do not see OWs DC at the same time?

I don't think so HLL.Only my knowledge from these boards though.As I understand it ,unless dcs are at risk he has every right to socialise the kids with whoever and its non of ur business anymore .Speak to ur lawyer ASAP ,like I say my knowledge is only from MN.big hugs x.

Ur in ur cocoon America ,a little bit more time away from ur X and u will appear anew beautiful butterfly.U will pick up things that bring u joy all along this road to recovery.step by step u will rediscover urself x

Sorry Haunted. You don't. Life just ain't fair. All you can do is grit your teeth & try & make it better for your DCs for their sake, whereas really it's for his sake. I know it's hard to believe, but it can be as bad for you and DCs in the long term if your X & OW he lives with won't even tell your DCs her name or his real address or if she's got kids or (in the case of several sisters) if she's pregnant, even if DCs ask him off their own bat - after over a year (lots of guys like me & that on threads) .

Thanks,

Didn't think so but was hopeful.

Still worth getting legal opinion

Going to CAB this morning

Hello. Can I join this thread please?

H and I been married 11 years and have DC aged 7 and 5. Things not been great for a few years probably but still wasn't prepared for finding out in November about his affair.

I wanted to try and work on our relationship but don't think his heart was ever in it tbh and he is moving out next Thursday. OW lives hundreds of miles away so at least I am spared needing to see her ever. Not sure what is happening with them (not that I want to know) but don't think that is the main focus to him going.

Am worried about the money side of things and when I can start claiming benefits and how long it will take to get them. Have transferred tenancy to my name from Monday but his new place isn't available until Thursday. Can see Easter and then Royal Wedding (Ha! Am against all weddings at the moment ) getting in the way and would like to set in motion as soon as I can.

Children don't know yet. H still here and is v hard. No particular abuse but I am worn down by it all. DC and I are going down to see my mum and dad for Easter so he can get all his things out then.

Think I'm trying to focus on the practical rather than emotional as then I know I'd fall apart.

hello lawrie,to exhausted to offer you much support but time is a healer,never believed it but its true.
Just dropping in to say hi/bye,will probably drop in on the other thread at some point with a different name.My H told me last week that up till recently he has been looking through my hotmail/facebook accounts and as i had used his phone to look at my hotmail once and must not of logged out,he has been having a good snoop but said he stopped a month ago and logged out so he couldnt do again,dont know if i believe that but have changed passwords.Anyway as i recieved a few private messages from this site he will have known my user name and may have come on her for a snoop,so can no longer post as fairygirl a namechange may b too obvious straight away so will be lurking and cheering you on from the sidelines.
Please any new dumplings change all your passwords,any personal information etc,i trusted this man with my life and he has let me down so badly.
Haunted-its awful about the ow situation ,i have told H that he cannot introduce dc to ow till they have been together 6months that way i know its a serious relationship and dc wont be introduced to new girlfriend every week,told him if he didnt agree i would stop him seeing kids and by time he took me to court the 6 months would be up and he could see them anyway,not ideal i know.

Fairy ,sorry u have to namechange that sucks !
Hope ur getting by r ur kids off on hols yet ?
Lawrie ,I would book an appointment with benefits people and tell them ur circumstances,same with housing benefit and tax credits.

Fairy, that's horrible. Thanks for the tip, I never thought about changing passwords. That's a bit silly of me as I found out about the OW when X forgot to log out of the MSN...

Lawrie, money worries are so stressing. I found that actually being a single parent and having been dumped at least got me to the single parent section of the jobcentre plus which meant speedier processing times. I was on benefits this time last year for a couple of months and surprisingly found it less humiliating than being a jobseeker in a bad marriage. I was lucky and found a contractor position and now work FT for the same company. I hope that things will work out for you.

Hi all, welcome to the newcomers.

Thansk for teh advice Fairy. Changing passwords in on my list of things to do I shall prioritise it. TBH the only place I have ever logged into various places was on the laptop and I made sure I cleared all the history, cache and cookies on that before he took it. He doesn't "know" my passwords but can probably work it out but will change it.

Well went to CAB....You were all right about me preventing access to OW and her family but I CAN change his access pattern (e.g. to avoid high risk interaction times) and he can only over-rule that with a court order. Had a rather heated debate on teh doorstep where he denies inviting OWDD to wind me up but admitted that he didn't tell me about it and knew it would wind me up (not sure there is a difference TBH). He doesn't want me to change access pattern (not surprisingly) but has agreeed that if he steps out of line wrt my DCs socialising with OWs family again that I will be free to do what I want regarding access.

I also found out today that I am entitled to maintenance...albeit a grand total of £5 a week, but I am still entitled. I wasn't bothered about claiming it but have been advised to for the sake of having an agreement that is at least reviewed regularly rather than having nothing to review and it slipping if his income goes up IYSWIM. Discussed this with XP and although "the girls won't want for nothing" his suggestion was that I go to him if they need something...erm no that is not the way ot works...you will pay it into my bank account thankyou very much...oh and that is the minimum you need to pay...so we shall see what happen. I am fortunate I don't need the money at teh moment but I might in the future and start as you mean to go on...

Oh and last thing that was discussed recently...and may be of use to some on this thread was the topic of wills. I was advised to write a will as a priority so that my assets are both protected (as we still have ajoint mortgage and my half would automatically go to him) and the children are well looked after in terms of providing him an income via trustees to ensure that they are cared for but in such a way that the income is to care for them and not to line his bank account. I must admit I need to give this some more thought but it does need doing.

Good you are starting proper maintenance agreement ,Haunted .Its the dcs money and like you say start as you mean to go on.
Good you got advice re visits ,its always good to know ur options .I think having boundaries is the only way to deal with these blokes or they just walk all over you and take the piss tbh .Sad but true.Did u get a holiday booked ?

Hopefully the boundaries will be honoured if not I can make things difficult without reducing contact and he knows it.

Oh and I also spoke to him about me being open with dcs...he wasn't impressed. You might expect his first reaction to be concern as to how dcs will cope...oh no it was 'so you happy for it to be the talk of the playground?' Which roughly translated means 'so ow dc and therefore owdh will find out'....nice demonstration of his priorities again .

But yes have sorted holiday....booked bustling for the summer. Have 2 days at alto towers splash landings and a travel lodge next week. This is my fab friend that has come from no-where to support me through this. Was originally planning to take dcs to eurodisney (under 12s free with a single parent is as cheap as I am ever going to get it), but she coerced me into AT as she thought I wad a bit mad so soon.

Have also planned a short break, cheap last minute, for the week after at a haven site if weather ok. I think I have bitten off more than I can chew but REALLY want to do thus so that this holiday can be ruined by sentiments and emotions (first non family holiday etc) and then have a nice holiday in the summer. Does that make sense?

Oh and other big event of the weekend (first day of school hold here) is dd's birthday party on Sunday. Not looking forward to it :(

Hope every else has a better weekend than I am expecting.

Sorry predictive text...booked Butlins!

Haunted, what did you decide about the birthday party in the end - are you & H both going?

Hmm....I suppse so. Don't really "want" to but can't not I don't think.

I have a friend going with me for moral support and have told her to have lots of jokes ready so we can sit and have a laugh whilst XP is the one sitting in isolation.

XP has said that he will drop her here so I can be the one to actually "take" her IYSWIM, think I might do that

Oh and I am absolutely exhausted.....any tips?

I either go to bed after midnight and sleep for 7 hours straight through and end up very tired

OR

Go to bed "early" (say 10pm) and end up awake half the night and probaly get less than 7 hours sleep...

I have DD3 coming back here after her tea as XP has no hot water to bath her and she needs to be treated for headllice...I could kind of do with veging....and have no motivation to sit over tghe bath with a nitty gtritty comb for half an hour

I always took them out the bath & lathered on the conditioner & then combed with them on my lap or sitting in between my legs while we watched tv, then ran the shower over their hair. Used to do that once a week, all 3 whether they had nits or not. Were so serial offenders in KS1 & 2 who reinfected regularly. Is much easier. Did their own from year 8 but that was catastrophic for DD in Y9.
I would go for the late sleep exhausted model myself. Could you get sleeping pills from doc? Am sure they saved my life even though he'd only give me 2 weeks at a time.