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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Support thread for the recently ditched No.13

232 replies

Teaandcakeplease · 27/03/2011 20:51

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

This thread is for anyone who has recently been dumped ditched. A safe place to share your woes and to support, advise and give virtual ((hugs)) to fellow dumplings each other, as we walk this journey as one, to find the new us: fabulous, strong and full of serenity.

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

OP posts:

HauntedLittleLunatic · 04/04/2011 20:04

Erm....it is XP and OW that are still practically walking arm in arm down the street...making a mockery of both me and OWDH

HauntedLittleLunatic · 04/04/2011 21:02

Oh I don't know....I guess revenge would be a by product....but I REALLY hate having been asked to keep this secret. I guess now the pressure of my exams is off I am seeing through the fog a bit, in a way that I had been blocking out for the last few weeks.

As for OWDH staying away...I think that he has been told that I don't want any of the family here, and is therefore staying away because he thinks I want him to stay away.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 04/04/2011 21:03

Oh and yes they are involving DC in maintaining things.....which only adds to my anger.

Mymymble · 04/04/2011 23:26

Haunted, you're in an awful position but... OWH's your friend - you told him about the affair. I would leave it there, if he chose not to believe you because of lack of "evidence" or maybe to believe you and pretend to himself and everyone else it isn't true, that's his right. Revenge is sweet too, but if it led to the breakup of his kids' home earlier than would have happened otherwise then you'd probably feel bad too at least in the short term. The other question is your maintaining the lie - you shouldn't have to do that. Your have to share the truth with people - it's not your fault and no reason why you should hide XP's secret from everyone, just maybe as most of us are saying don't force a confrontation on OWH with a text.

fairygirl3 · 05/04/2011 00:05

haunted-you have to do what feels right for you and none of us know exactly what you are going through.Did you post another time about thinking they might all be invloved or about to be involved in some kind of 3some? i think you talking to owdh about your suspisions would of placed him on alert,if he wanted to its up to him to investigate further,maybe he knows but does not want to face it? I just think how ever you say it you will just come out of it looking like you are either making it up or saying it because your bitter i understand this is not true and why you want to do it but i think its just sucking you into the drama of it all.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 05/04/2011 14:16

Oh I don't know.

You are right about teh 3some thing but after more digging it seems likely that the source of that was some info OW put ouut to protect herself.

I just feel that as things are I am putting myself through termoil maintaining hte secret. If I let it go I could gain some sanity for the fact that it is nothing to do owith me and I can stay out of it. The worst I (think I) can lose is OWDH as a freind but TBH it looks like that has already happened in teh sense that OW is keeping him away from me.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 05/04/2011 14:21

Oh I don't know.

You are right about teh 3some thing but after more digging it seems likely that the source of that was some info OW put ouut to protect herself.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 05/04/2011 16:21

On a different note I am annoyed.

I went to bed early last night...thinking I would get an extra hour much needed sleep...No....I wake up at 5 o clock in the moning having had a bad dream (about being caught up with drug smugglers on the Aussie series Home and Away of all things ) and was only just dropping back off when my alarm went off at 7:15...so instead of getting more sleep I actually got less

Original poster

Teaandcakeplease · 07/04/2011 09:46

Good advice Haunted from the others What did you decide?

How is everyone today?

OP posts:

HauntedLittleLunatic · 07/04/2011 15:54

Have sent text. Got very mixed advice from this thread, another thread and RL friends. Will see what happens.

Glad to see I haven't killed thread :)

I am supposed to have 4 weeks off....was planning to catch up on my lecture notes but have done nothing. Aced my exam though...95% top of class even with all this extar that I could do without so v happy :)

Mymymble · 07/04/2011 16:46

You are brilliant, Haunted. Kids must be so proud of you.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 07/04/2011 17:31

Thanks mumble.

Can't believe I would have ever scored that without all this going on. Am .

Might even treat myself to a takeaway :)

Hope everyone else is as happy as I can be.

Original poster

Teaandcakeplease · 07/04/2011 19:22

at takeaway. That is so great about the exam result! Well done.

OP posts:

fairygirl3 · 07/04/2011 21:11

well done on the exam haunted

HauntedLittleLunatic · 07/04/2011 21:22

amicable · 07/04/2011 23:10

Hi ladies

Can i join you please? Discovered my Hs affair at Christmas, we have been through a cycle of working on it, then finding out more lies, working on it again, more lies (you get the gist).

Anyway, somehow was dragged back into a cycle of thinking that there may be some hope, (that'll be because he told me he loved me, had not gone off with the OW since our latest version of separation, and that there 'was some hope') and ended up at Relate today.

He was quite negative about stuff during Relate which didn't chime with how he'd been over last few weeks. Talked about this in the car afterwards, and he confesses to me that he hasn't been in touch with the OW. But INSTEAD he has shagged some NEW woman last weekend. But the good news is that he still loves me, and that he 'saw the light' WHILE HE WAS ACTUALLY FUCKING THIS NEW WOMAN, that actually he doesn't want this new life of screwing around, but no, it is actually lovely ME that he's wanted all along. Aren't I just such a lucky lady.

So, I am in total shock. AGAIN. And desperately need help to detach from this monster that my husband has turned into. I also need the biggest hug in the universe.

How can this decent loving supportive husband, who I've been with nearly 20 years, have turned over the last few years into this vile lying prick, who is happy to string me along emotionally , whilst doing all this destructive stuff.

Sorry, bit ranty. Think am in shock. Have now left the 'recovery after affair' thread for good, and need somewhere to go! Can I join?

Original poster

Teaandcakeplease · 07/04/2011 23:21

Massive ((Hugs)) Amicable. Of course you're welcome to join, that's awful x

OP posts:

Patienceobtainsallthings · 07/04/2011 23:38

Amicable big hugs
ps that isnt a bit ranty and yes you are in shock x
Look after urself v well atm and post what you want when u like if it helps ,this is a safe place and no one will judge you ,this is shocking behaviour from ur H .

Patienceobtainsallthings · 07/04/2011 23:40

Self preservation is a must amicable .

startingovernow · 08/04/2011 00:03

Amicable, also sending you big virtual ((Hugs)). So sorry you had to go through this BUT this too shall pass & you will have happier days ahead. Make sure you eat well & take care of yourself.

pompeyc · 08/04/2011 09:51

Amicable huge massive hugs to you and sending love down cyperspace. I am so sorry that this has happened to you .... it is soul destroying i know. But you must remember YOU are NOT to blame, he has the and youa re still fabulous. It will get better xx

HauntedLittleLunatic · 08/04/2011 16:19

Welcome Amicable. Sorry you are also in this position. Whilst it is not a nice place to be.

XP has been gone nearly 2 weeks now...and do you know what, I have just put some rubbish in teh bin and for teh first time in months realised that I am not "looking" for discarded receipts etc. as evidence of the affair I suspected for a long time :)

amicable · 08/04/2011 21:34

Thanks for the hugs everyone. I needed them .

Still in shock today I think. I don't know why, his first affair was discovered on Christmas Eve (nice) and then I've had lord knows how many new mini-discoveries since then. So why am I so blown away by this one!

I just cannot get my head around it. It seems just such a bizarre and destructive act. I've got barely any sense of jealousy or any nonsense like that, and the fact that he's screwed this new random woman has freed me from worrying about the first woman! Because clearly this is all about him, and nothing to do with whichever female he is bestowing his great gift upon. Twat.

But how on earth do I detach? I have talked to this person nearly every day for the last 19 years. It is so hard. I have already emailed him once and phoned him once today. About money stuff, but really just because I needed that contact. I want to scream at him 'look at what you've done' 'you have destroyed our family, destroyed your self'. I want to punch him extremely hard in the face. But of course, all this really means is that I want him to love me, for this to not have happened.

I know that it is over now, but I need to convince my feelings of the same. So advice on how to start detaching would be really good. I have blocked him and his friends from Facebook so that I cannot stalk him too much, but unfortunately he has a 'public' page that anyone can see, so I can't block that as such. Have looked at it about 3 times today. why am I such a pathetic doormat, why can't I just hate him and have done with it? Why do I still love this utter shit? How do I stop loving him, wanting him to still be my best friend? How can I cope with losing my best friend of the last 19 years?

I just feel so ill. Did not sleep til 3am last night, aching all over, feel like I'm going to be sick, all that stuff. Cannot believe I am STILL in this place, when I discovered the first affair 3 months ago. Cannot believe I kept getting sucked in and believing that his 'love' for me had any meaning. I fucking hate him.

amicable · 08/04/2011 21:40

Haunted, I totally identify with what you are saying, and think that it is a very positive thing for you to not have to stress any more about 'is he isn't he'. That dreadful state of being in limbo that is so destructive.

Glad that you are already seeing the positives .

Original poster

Teaandcakeplease · 08/04/2011 22:39

I think in some ways as you were trying so hard to work things out, the second affair is a double blow and is even more hurtful in so many ways. Your mind is probably in overload and you're reeling.

I'm now divorced from my H and also struggled in some ways to detach, in fact we still talk quite a lot and text quite a lot about the kids. But I no longer wish to be with him or have him back. But we have remained good friends.

The heart can take a while to catch up with the head. There's so much to process right now. Try and be kind to yourself right now. It's a very hard road and you're at the beginning of it. Counseling was a big help, reading good books about it all and of course crying and sharing on here. All helped x

OP posts:

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