Support thread for the recently ditched No.13

[Teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

This thread is for anyone who has recently been dumped ditched. A safe place to share your woes and to support, advise and give virtual ((hugs)) to fellow dumplings each other, as we walk this journey as one, to find the new us: fabulous, strong and full of serenity.

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Hi all. Mymble - I was married to a bully for 6 years. He called me and the kids all the names under the sun. Left me like a wreck. I haven't read this thread for a while (I go on the other one and I can really only keep up with one as I am crap!) but please let me know if you need any advice. God knows I'm not the best in relationships but I do nknow about bullies. Anytime you want to speak to me or pm me, I'm here x And btw - your NM sounds EXACTLY like my recent exbf. I feel for you.
Pompeyc - you poor soul - we all know that feeling so well. Sending you lots of love and hugs. All I can say is that it will get better. Slowly but it will. When you reach the lowest point there is only one way forward. Up. x
Hi everyone else - sending you all big love xxx

Just gave H a total bollocking. He came to put the kids to bed, I went out, but then when I came back instead of leaving he sat down and tried to start with the "I don't know what I'm doing" bullshit. I said, among other things,

• lots of people have affairs. Less people pretend to work on their marriage for 4 months, while still seeing OW. Even less will then move out, but still try and keep stringing both women along (ie saying he doesn't want me to start investigating divorce). When will you decide enough is enough with this tortuous, disgusting behaviour?

• half the people in this country will tell you to go with what makes you "feel" good. Probably less will say you should do what is right, ie not walking out on your 3 children under 6. But find me one single person who will think that what you are doing right now is ok, by any stretch of the imagination.

• you can sit down in my house when you are not fucking some other woman on the days when you are not here. In the meantime FUCK OFF.

Phew! All vented

VENT AWAY! Feels like to sort of conversations I ahve at teh moment....only although I mean all that I am a bit more subtle....and imply all that....maybe I need to take a leaf out of your book!

Thanks spook :) He just sat there with crocodile tears in his eyes. I just can't fall for his lies and bullshit, if I let him he'll tell me that he knows something inside him isn't right, that he wants to fix everything but doesn't know how. But without ACTIONS (not shagging someone else for a start!) it is all LIES.

If I'm honest I don't particularly want to piss him off and push him towards OW even more. But, anger is good. Feeling furious is better than feeling sick, shaky and in pain any day.

(That 'me' shouldn't have been in italics! )

Go Suff

Yey amicable! sorry didn't reply to your post on my thread, meant to say wasn't self indulgent at all . Still in limbo? Me to if I'm honest, part of me so wants to believe all this tortured soul crap that H is spouting. But I'm ACTING as if we're done, for my sanity really, hence posting on this thread and lurking on the 'recovery after an affair' one

You so brave Suff. Thank you Mama - is big step posting... Patience I realise I always hoped H would come back till NM left me> I asked H several times before NM & during to come back though I didn't realise how unrealistic that was and unfair on NM (didn't tell him but...) til he dumped me. How wierd was that. Got legal aid for mediation before christmas but it was costing H £400 a session so he only did one. You're so right about the sleep thing with H. We are just money in a ledger or a child to take to pix not real people he'd been with for 28 years (me) or all their lives DCs..I so wanted to tell NM about H shouting today & NM said - ring him - but can't - not when he doesn't want to be part of our lives. Did I attract NM because I was abandoned & weak? Or did he leave me for the same reason? . Has anyone else gone through the whole "Women who love too much" victim thing? Is it even true or a way of making women feel guilty for trusting guys? Maybe NM & I could get back when divorce is over but what's the point when we're both such shells of who we were last year?

I don't think NM is that positive an influence from how u described him.yes I am a fully paid up member of the woman that love too much and I've only just broken free.I needed a complete rebuild though mymble ,I have read loads,ask away if u want x

Thanks for all the suport and wise words. I think the worse thing is I thought he was also my best friend and usually the one I turned to for advice/comfort/reassurance so it feels that i have lost both my partner and my best friend. He has just severed all contact - will not answer the phone and its like he has evaporated from existance. Although we did not live togethre and he lives in next town, he was texting me about twenty times a day for five years, we spoke at least once a day - right up til three weeks agio and now NOTHING! Its like a big empty black hole has opened up in my life and sucked everything into it! It was so unexpected and sudden.

Oh Mymyble I feel your pain. I gave everything to my NM after I broke up with DDs dad and NM has dumped me after five years. I keep attacking myself too for loving too much, for trying too hard but think it is something that we women do - we are natural care givers and nurturers. Why do we beat ourselves up because of it? A friend of mine made a resolution to be (in her words) a b*ch after she was dumped and her NM has to cope with her new b*ch self. Don't think I can do that but it works for her.

I think also, Pompey, that guys who take on a damaged woman and her hopefully not very damaged but fatherless kids, particularly 40-60 (don't know how old your NM is but mine was 59) have a particular mindset - part Sir Gallahad and part wanting the family unit they didn't have (though my NM has a grown-up daughter he's a great relationship with now). Is just what happened with NM & XH - he wouldn't talk. Give him a break (timewise not metaphorical - he's behaved really badly). Text him or leave a message every couple of days, not begging. Say you miss his friendship too - because that's true. All the strong ladies on this thread won't agree but you love him - fight for him but only by giving him space to miss you & the happy times with your DCs. You won't bump in to him when he lives in the next town but one day, if you don't turn stalkerish, he'll answer the phone by accident & you can meet for a friendly drink, get back together & work out the problems from there. That happened to me with NM & we had another very happy year together - though whether that was a good thing is questionable!

Aw thank you you are right my ex-NM is 46 and had never had a relationship over 18months before me ... so alarm bells about commitment and staying the distance should have being ringing loud in my ears i think. I cannot ring him as he made it patently clear he does not want me in his life .... it just hurts so much.... Love to everyone on here xx

5 years would have been a hell of a long time for alarm bells about his committment to be ringing in your head so you shouldn't beat yourself up over that. You were different to him from the women he'd gone out with before, it's just maybe he couldn't be as different as he thought you'd made him (not very well put I know). Often lots to do with parents, too. My mum & NMs dad both in POW camps in the war (mum as a kid) so lots of issues. XH's dad a commercial travellor & gambler so H's issues all about domestic work & money. Neither OM's or H's mums ever worked. Wish I could get counselling - did wonders for my neighbour about dealing with loss. xx

I think also, Pompey, that guys who take on a damaged woman.........

Mymble great you are going to counselling soon.Dont ever think some bloke is doing you a favour for being with you when X left.He is lucky to have known you and your brood.I f you feel damaged this is excactly the time in your life for some ME work with your counsellor.These things happen in life death,divorce ,illness,but we can learn to roll with them and love ourselves.Only them will we find a true partner not someone to fix us or our past x

Hi suff and other ladies. Yes suff, I am totally in limbo, so don't really know where to post at the moment!!!!

Spent last 2 days (with kids away at Hs) feeling frankly suicidal (thanks PMT) and devastated about end of marriage, and desperately wanting H and me to fix things. But then now the kids are back, I'm not so sure.

There is so much worth saving in our relationship, but so much damage. H claims he has stopped contact, but we've been here before eh! Plus, I just don't know if I can stand being that bitter, suspicious woman if we get back together. I was never that person before. And whenever I start looking at the OWs pics on Facebook (which I kind of do every day, know I should stop), I can just feel that hurt starting up again. How can I ever trust him again when his job puts him in the way of tons of young women who admire him and where he travels loads with his job. What chance do we really have? I was thinking about my midwife, who last time I saw her said that her H had just been kicked out, he'd been cheating. H had cheated a few years earlier, but she'd forgiven him and taken him back. She now felt that all those years were utterly wasted. Don't think I can stand being that person.

I suppose there is a lot of safety in our current position, where we are separated, but H is not in touch with OW (allegedly), where we are having friendly chats but not really having to deal with the bitterness / suspicion /hurt because we are not 'together', and so do not have to put any trust in each other. But we cannot stay in this holding pattern for ever. So separated, but not.

Sorry but not surprised to hear that you are still in limbo, and still holding out for your Hs self pitying crap to actually mean something. My H is also doing the whole 'what am I doing, what is wrong with me' line. I saw a comment on solost thread earlier saying how it was unusual for an H who has gone off with OW to still be emotionally 'dangling' false hope in front of the abandoned wife, but actually I bet it is very common.

How do you ever properly emotionally disconnect from that person? I can imagine some women still feeling hope even when their H has married someone else. Do you only properly disconnect when you meet someone else? God, it's all so depressing.

You sound like you are doing the right thing though 'acting' detached. I have noticed that whenever I have any contact with H that I feel much more emotional, so probably cutting contact to the bare minimum will help you to genuinely detach.

hugs

Hope you other lovely ladies don't mind me posting here, I'm not sure where I belong at the moment!

Amicable I joined this thread when I was in limbo many moons ago and some women on here even gave it a second with their partners before finally quitting. So it's a good place to be. all welcome and no one judged.

My original thread is here from when I was in limbo land: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/914075-How-do-you-know-when-you-should-just-give-up I still love the advice I was given, so it's worth a read.

The Shirley Glass book was the one that helped me the most on discovery of the affair. Not sure if you have it, but it's well worth buying.

BTW I am truly detached from my ExH now and his relationship with the OW is now falling apart and I do not want him back, so it can happen - but it all takes time. That T word again

Sorry for the multiple posts.

Thanks Teaandcakesplease, I will read your thread. Already identify with its title!

Yes I must finally order that book.

That is good to know re your detachment. Argh!! I hate that T word!!!

Hi amicable :) While in limbo (but not really, I'm pretty sure he's not coming back) I have been compiling my list...

I love being single because...

I get loads more wardrobe space.
I am in charge of all the money, which paradoxically means we will probably be better off.
I get to spend less on food and (some) bills.
I have lots more time in the evenings.
I can watch what I want.
I have lots more free time, when H has the kids, to see my friends and do things for me.
It has proved how amazing my friends and family are, and how much they care for me.
I do not have to try to trust, believe or forgive someone who has proved themselves to be a lying, cheating scumbag time and again.
I get to be the one who didn't desert and betray their children.
There is no one to argue consult with on decisions about decor etc.
There is more freedom regarding what the children and I eat and when we eat it.
I have less work to do around the house - less laundry, less washing up, less tidying up.
I sleep better, in my eNORmous bed.
I am being tested, challenged, more than every before in my life, and I am still standing.

So, some frivolous reasons, some not so frivolous. Things I miss? Someone loving me (a fiction). Someone thinking I was the only woman in the world (another fiction ). Someone to share moments with the children with.

Actually I think that if I knew for sure H would stay enthusiastic about seeing the children, I would be pretty ok with all of this.

(off to read teas thread bed...)

I was emotionally attatched for a long long time suff due to all his lies ,bullshit and manipulation ,
but even way back in the early days the sense of freedom away from this dickhead was immense ,i just thought well if the grass is greener then FUCK YOU !!

Love the list Suff. I completely agree, I love being alone now for all those reasons. And he is enthusiastic about the kids still and see's them lots. So I'm a positive story but sadly some men never step up to the plate on the kids.

Thanks patience, thanks tea :)

Tea I read your thread, I was so :( for you. I couldn't believe the tales your H span, mine was similar towards the end, unimaginably devious and manipulative. Plus I'm so sorry about the whole church thing. I go too, and my H used to do the music and teach Sunday school :( . Do you still go, or did it just put you off?

No I still go, I love it, the community, the kids work, friends, all of it.