Support thread for the recently ditched No.13

[Teaandcakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

This thread is for anyone who has recently been dumped ditched. A safe place to share your woes and to support, advise and give virtual ((hugs)) to fellow dumplings each other, as we walk this journey as one, to find the new us: fabulous, strong and full of serenity.

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Posted on old thread:

LifeMovesOn Wed 30-Mar-11 13:47:52

Hi Dorset - found you on here

We'll have to swap notes on the mowing of lawns. I managed mine last weekend (just as well cos it's raining here today). First time I had to do mine last year (and it was the first ever time since (D)H would never let me near his precious grass), I was scared sick, but my big brother came over, introduced the technicalities of the lawnmower to me, did the first up and down and off I went.

Now it's not my favourite chore (I lump it in with the ironing, yeuk), but there is a huge sense of satisfaction when it's done!!

Of course I did ask the solicitor in front of DH how come he's entitled to half of everything yet does nothing around the house/maintain the property now he's pissed off. In the eyes of the law, because he's living elsewhere, he is not legally obliged to either do anything or pay towards anything since he will be maintaining the property where he lives (sneakily with his latest girlfriend now). However, a year down the line I don't want him anywhere near my house, that's a good feeling.

But there he still is, expecting 50% of the proceeds of the sale of the house. Not really fair, is it - but then over the last 18 months I've learnt there's a lot of unfairness around when you're the 'innocent' party.

Life sucks - but we crack on with our new ones undaunted and enjoy what we have and what we're building

Cheers my dears

Posted on old thread:

gettingeasier Wed 30-Mar-11 14:44:15

All this mowing the lawn talk is making me smile

Lifemoveson I was never allowed near his precious lawn either and gradually absorbed the opinion I couldnt possibly cut the grass. Then a few months after he left and our lawn was desperate to be mown he said to me " Whats the big deal you just walk up and down with the mower" which was priceless and a perfect example of his complete change of heart to suit his own needs which appiled to all sorts of other things too.

I move in 3 weeks to somewhere with a tiny lawn and I am taking the electric mower ( he can have the petrol 10 ton mower )and will relish cutting it any old way without some arse commenting.

Hi guys,

Can't hang around - lots of revision that needs doing in the next 2 days. Just thought I would poke my shiney new head round the corner....must catch up soon.

Yay! So glad to hear that.

Im wondering if this is normal..but strangely since H finally went..I feel happier..Im confused by my feelings..

had a nice peaceful weekend..me and the DC's went out and tidied the garden up, then I went to Homebase and bought a basic flymo and cut the grass with it whilst leering at the huge petrol mower H bought..I think I shall bung that on ebay this weekend

he is staying with OW yet still denies actual physical affair..Im actually laughing at his stupidity

Yes it can be, it can be freeing if you've been living in a stressful environment with them for sometime, whether it's just an atmosphere and nagging suspicions or more. Sounds like you're doing so well. You'll have good days and bad but over time the good will outweigh the bad.

well he made his revelation in September so I had been living in misery and anxiety since then so I guess its as if a huge weight has been lifted..I need to tackle the body now..its not in good nick

Urgh me too my body is very squigey, I lost a lot of weight in the divorce and I'm now a 14 but it's all wibbly.

No wonder you feel free having lived in that situation since September. Do you find you still miss him? (How he used to be, not who he is now). I found that.

TACP..oh yes..I think back to the man I first married and I miss him so much..but then I look at the man he had become and I dont miss that..

I even dreamed about him last night..how he was when we first met..

I am a size 18 and have the self esteem of a table mat right now..I need to work on getting that back..Id love to be size 14!..I beleive Zumba is supposed to be really good for toning etc

off for a free half hour with solicitors this morning..doubt I will find out much more than I already know

Hi all... well things still the same. I feel ok for a while and then get overcome by very powerful emotions and cannot stop crying. Happened in teh car and just screamed and screamed until my throat ached. Everything seems very bleak. Can anyone recommend any good books to help? I have never read any self-help books but feel like a need some extra wise words - something to look at while on my 4am insomnia madness. I am a size 16 at the mo and have also been on the new me/new toned body thought train too x

Pompey..Oh yes the crying that physically exhausts you..have done quite a bit of that..Im early days but I guess those days start to be fewer and fewer..

Went to the solicitors and have instiagted divorce proceedings..no time like the present I guess.

Solicitor outlined what I would be entitled to finacially from H, what his obligations are etc..as he appears to have no fixed abode/car yet..I have agreed to the solicitor asking him what he would like to propose re access to the children but agreed with my stipulation that it was too early for OW to introduced into the proceedings.

She has suggested that unreasonable behaviour is the best thing to go with as she said he has mentally abused me by conducting an EA, telling me he didnt love me but staying in the marital home refusing to leave

Hi everyone - sorry for being quiet - busy week at work and working through some issues in my head and trying to be clear about what i want from the future. I think i am beginning to hate my H because of his feckless and selfish behaviour - and want him out of my life which i know is impossible because of DD but some of the things that he has said to DD would make your toes curl. I have also been on the divorce/separation diet and lost nearly 2 stone - but need to tone up.

Chins up - it is nearly the weekend! love Dorset

oh gawd been wailing and sobbing for last hour while DDs were out. It feels like a great big whole inside of me that has opened up! I know its only two weeks but i just want to feel better... oh memorylapse I hear you on teh exp sat telling you he doesn't love u anymore .... i still hear my ex in my head saying it over and over again ....

pompey..its soul destroying isnt it when you hear those dreaded words "I dont love you"..that sickening feeling in your stomach when he says it..my H said it to me 6 months ago but stayed for 6 months..he finally said it again a couple of weeks ago before he left..

time is the best healer..cliched though it may seem..

Pompeyc ? the pain in your situation seems so much harder as it all seemed so sudden to suddenly tell you over the phone he wasn?t happy and he didn?t love you anymore. Especially after a romantic break together a few weeks before that went so well. You have no answers, no closure really and you cannot reconcile any of his behavior to the sudden phone call and now he won?t even talk to you at all. You?d built your life around him, you?d been with him for 5 years, he was your best friend and your whole world and you do not have a big support network of friends.

How are your lovely girls coping with it all? Could your mum have them for a few days? I know everything looks so so bleak right now but things will get better. Patience has a great thread with books to read on it here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1083006-All-New-Road-to-Recovery-for-the-Recently-Ditched-Book-Club Perhaps going on a separation/ divorce course may help you as well and it?s a great way to meet new friends. I went on one last November and it was great. Could you ring up any old friends and rekindle the friendships so you?re not so isolated? You need people you can really talk to at the moment. Where do you live?

agree with TACP..a support network in RL is invaluable..Im lucky in that I have some lovely RL friends, we have just booked a group trip to C enter Parcs next year which Im really looking forward to and have some nights out planned

I didnt realise that your XP broke the news to you over the phone..what a coward

My support in RL came from the most unexpected people and people I thought would be there for me weren't,but u discover who the strong /loyal ones are.

Hi Everyone - keep meaning to pop by and post and say hi, but new job is manic (am sure that I should still be in the cushy, long lunches, web-sufing stage still ).

pompeyc - keep strong and you will get there. It is so, so hard (am at 12 weeks since ex revealed his going-ons), but we will get there. I echo the RL support. My counsellor also suggested the samaritans if I ever needed a rant/rave/vent session in the middle of the night (or day) and no-one in RL was around......

memorylapse - well done on getting to the solicitor and clarifying your rights. I cant imagine how strong you have been/are being after having your H in the house for 6 months.....

Thanks for the book link, TACP......

Dorset - I think I am at the same stage....really, really cant stand ex (cannot bear to look at him these days - esp as he has now taken to wearing contacts all the time, when he used to wear glasses when we were together), but have to interact with him for DS, though working at keeping this to the bare minimum....I think its a cycle of emotions?

love and hugs to everyone, x

Thanks everyone for the kind and encouraging words... and thanks TACP for teh books link I will def be purchasing a shed load. i do have a small support network in the RL and am looking into some councelling too as am finding the lack of closure and my emotions overpowering at times. I just want to scream and scream .... but I suppose it is only two weeks and should try to take one day at a time. I live in Hull if anyone out there is going through the same thing. I have looked for a separation/divorce course but there is none here ... AARGH! Keep smiling everyone and big hugs xx

There's one in Keelby, is that close enough for a drive? Here: www.drw.org.uk/locations2.php

The course I attended was in London and took me 50 mins drive each way for 6 weeks, it was a slightly different course though. But I'm sure this one would be helpful?

I think the more screaming, kicking bean bags, shouting and crying you do now the better. It's good to let it all out (when the kids aren't there or are asleep )

I don't mean you can't be honest about being sad to your kids, I just mean leave the screaming part out perhaps, unless alone? I'm probably making no sense. LOL

Good morning.

Exams all done...in theory I now have 4 weeks off but in practice LOADS of work, housework and paperwork to catch up on that have accumulated over the last 6 weeks.

Last night was their first "proper" night away. They have been spending some weekends at Grandma's until he go sorted but they went to his last night. They have told him they don't want to stay tonight though cos they want to give me my mothers day gifts in my bed . I was woken at 8am by DTD2 ringing me to say good morning ish but :) . I then dozed til about 11:30 when I finally got out of bed. I haven't done that in years but I am so physically and emotionally exhausted from lack of sleep, XP stress and exam stress that I obviously needed it.

Anyway I have a house to find under all this mess...so I best get on. Thanks for all your useful words of wisdom over the last few weeks...I am sure it will continue.

OK....3 hours later and I have actually done NONE of my jobs and am still sat on MN

Haunted that's great. How lovely of your daughter to ring you to wish you good morning, very of the lie in. Especially cute how they want to be there for mothers day morning first thing. Hopefully the rest of your day was good and productive

another one jealous of your lie in haunted,when i said to H last week that we needed to think about different access visits and him having dc overnight he had a look of horror on his face.
Nothing changed with my situation.